My mom has lived with me since 2005. My dad is deceased since 2002.
She has my name on her checking account so I can purchase her medication and other items needed.
She has a small savings account that she has her name and younger brother‘s name on. She also has him named as executor of her will. The will needs to be updated. She has a deceased brother’s name on it and so forth.
She is 93, Parkinson’s disease and has really slowed down. I have been telling her that she may need to go into a facility, either assisted living or nursing home at some point. I have explained that if funds are needed for the assisted living facility she needs to free up funds for her care. I do not trust my brother to release funds. He has never been responsible with money.
My brothers think as long as I am doing all of the caregiving that everything is fine as is. No matter how much I have tried to explain situations, they are clueless and basically uninvolved in her care or even just visiting her.
I think the message is finally starting to sink in with mom and she recently told me she wished to remove my brother’s name off of saving account and placing in my name because I have medical power of attorney for her. She also wants him removed as executor because she has realized he isn’t responsible or capable of handling the tasks that will be involved. He will just ask my older brother to help him. He doesn’t even know how to file his taxes. My husband has done it for him for years. I am the primary, full time caregiver in my home.
She also wants to update her will and leave some to my brothers and leave the bulk to me to handle necessary expenses, her burial in family plot and so forth.
She doesn’t get much social security. I will need veteran assistance if she goes into assisted living. If not she may end up in nursing home.
Do I discuss any of this with my brothers or just keep it between mom and me? Do you feel WW111 will break out if they aren’t told? What if she suggest telling them? I fear that. She loves them. They are her sons. She is disappointed in them at times and has made excuses for them as well, nevertheless loves them.
Do I need a lawyer for these answers or can anyone here help? Would appreciate views on online site Legal Zoom. Has anyone used it? Need a living will for mom too.
Appreciate any advice. Thanks a million!
I appreciate your answer very much. Very helpful.
You actually have the upperhand here. If you've been caring for your mom for 14 years, you should be in control of her assets and medical. As suggested, take mom to the bank and have her open a new account and transfer funds from old account (leave 100 bucks in old acct.). Get a financial Durable POA, referably through an attorney. You're also entitled to Caregiver fees. If younger brother objects, tell him to take over as caregiver because you are worn out. You know he won't do it, but it might give him pause enough to go along with her wishes.
When my 97 year old mother also realized her two sons were no-shows, and that I was doing everything for her, on three separate occasions she told me she wanted me to have the bulk of her assets when she passed. She made me JTWROS of all her finances and I have DPOA. I will decline b/c she is no longer mentally competent. I don't want any court battles in the future.
You have no idea how much your answer touched my heart, not to mention how practical your advice is. Thanks so very much 💗.
Answers from you will always carry more weight because you have walked in my shoes.
I tried to do this. The cemetery told me they don’t allow prepay to open the grave for family plot. Can you prepay for cremation? She has decided to be cremated. Was a shock at first because she had always said she didn’t want to be cremated. I don’t think it matters all that much to her now. She says she doesn’t want an expensive casket and funeral like my dad had and previous family members and considers it a waste of money.
My two cents...This is strictly my opinion based on personal experience and acquired knowledge while having to care for my mother who has dementia alzeimers. My wife and I experienced a lot of legal challenges and collateral situation of my brother and his wife.
It boils down to this....tell mother, "ok mother let's get everything done with your will, setup of you finances, etc., everything you have wanted done...let's do it. "
Obtain a good reputible elder attorney with whom you and mother will walk through all the things she wants done. She seems very specific in what she wants. You can at this time inform your attorney of the many years of your mother's care and welfare. That sibling never have cared.
If she's mentally capable, then enquire about a POA to cover the areas of care and management needed. This will protect you and mother when you proceede to the next levels of her care. It will be a sound platform if for any time or reason you may need to combat siblings to possible petition for guardianship.
If mother has a significant nest egg of finances, your attorney can inform you of ways to protect this (trust funds) while positioning her to qualify for state funding for assisted living, etc.
There will be flak from family siblings, but the POA will reinforce your your stand and actions legally.
Speak with your attorney regarding all these things.
Also, listen carefully of what path he or she may suggest you take. Elder attorneys are very much aware and have experienced a lot regarding what elders specificly go through or what's done to them and what can been done to protect them and their caregivers.
Get moving right away!!!
Hope this helps.
Blessings
I agree with you. Appreciate your input.
What you do have control over is what you do to help your mother. It is not your place to inform your brothers about your mother's personal business. Period.
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