Yup…this is what they do..My mom loves me dearly. I am her everything..yet she told my brother “your sister has all my money and put me in this place”. {she set me up as POA years ago}. She tells me “all my clothes were stolen”. When I brought the winter ones to her this week she said “none of that is mine!”. I refuse to get worried about her statements. This is what they do when cognitive abilities decrease. Staff know that..In my 27 years of working as a Geriatric Nutrition staff member everyday I heard those stories. I got counseling and it helped. I do my best daily. It is NOT my job to keep mom happy..my job is to keep her safe. I watch over her money, her possessions and keep her in a great place. I change the subject when the stealing conversation starts..”oh mom look a cardinal just flew by”. Etc.. Good Luck…this job is rough!!
Those "missing" items truly seem stolen to someone with dementia. There is no convincing or rationalizing. The paranoia and accusations are hard to deal with, but, this behavior is really common and professional caregivers should be trained to deal with it. Is it that family members or caregivers won't put up with her, or mom doesn't want them there because of distrust? Find someone who's able to understand it isn't personal, and then try some distracting techniques or duplicates for what she believes is misplaced. If you're already stating you are exhausted, there's no way you can continue to do this alone.
That is very typical of folks with Alzheimer's/dementia to accuse others of stealing. I'm surprised that she hasn't accused you yet. If her care has gotten to be too much for you, then it's time to be looking into placing her in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to being her child, and not her caregiver. You must do now not only what is best for your mother, but also what is best for you, as you matter as well. I wish you the best in making the right decisions regarding your mothers care.
My own 93 year old mom did this to me since at least I was a young teen. I never had a chance to have a meaningful conversation with her as everytime I said something she always negated anything it. I'm not being flippant here. There were two instances of this behaviour that really stand out. One, the time she followed me out to the utility room to wash clothes and stood right beside me watching like a hawk, screaming in my face that I was breaking the washer. I was in my late 50s! The other was when I was driving her around town pointing out where my ex's parents had lived. She called me a liar and insisted it was across the street. She didn't even know the people. Ah, well, for my own sanity I had to stay away for years, only talking by phone or brief visits. It wore me out to where I became numb to it. Looking back - what a lifetime of wasted opportunities for both of us.
My Mom did the same thing and fought with her aides about quarters. It is so common with dementia for people to be afraid they have lost things, especially a wallet or pocketbook or money. They experience a loss of control and blame somebody else. It helps a bit to let them keep their pocketbook or wallet with them. If she thinks something else was stolen you can engage her in a hunt for it. ((She probably misplaced it). Otherwise, you just can’t convince her it wasn’t stolen but you might be able to engage her in a conversation about feeling vulnerable.
If she has dementia or some other cognitive decline that means she is accusing people of stealing from her - an almost inevitable stage people go through - I am wondering what she does or who is being employed as a caregiver that they do not understand this is perfectly normal. It isn't nice to be accused but the patient doesn't know what they are doing. Why don't the caregivers know and accept this. For you dealing with mother can you tell her you have removed "x" for safety and if she needs it you will be able to get it back for her, no one has stolen it?
If your mum has managed to chase people away with this behaviour and you need to employ someone - try warning them up front. Maybe just say that they may get accused of 'various things' and not to take exception! If they are experienced they will understand.
I’m wondering if you are speaking about other family members or paid professionals when you indicate her accusations have chased everyone away. As everyone else has said this is not uncommon behavior so professionals should be very familiar with this kind of thing and have suggestions for how to protect themselves and deal with it so you know they aren’t stealing. Family members is a different story and while. very hurtful they need to be made aware of the fact that this is common behavior from people with age related cognitive decline. They really need to see it as a stronger reason for needing their help, if it’s that difficult on them imagine how wearing it is on the person who is her main caregiver! Unfortunately there are many hurtles that make this so hard for the people who love and are closest to the patient, it’s heartbreaking. These hardships as well as the pleasures should be shared not all held by one person, even when that means the sharing includes paid professionals. It sounds like you either need new caregivers, caregiving situation or to collect your family for a discussion and regrouping. Explain how hard her behavior, their hurt and their reaction is on you and how much you need them to talk to, share with and yes share the work burden with too. There are many ways to help and it may look different for each person but this needs to be a village effort not an individual one. However you have to do it, shed some of the work, some of the burdensome parts and know that doing so only makes you a better caregiver. You have support here, good luck.
Lymie61 asks a good question about whether caregivers who were chased away were other family members or were hired aides. Accusations of stealing are almost universal as cognitive abilities deteriorate. The stealing accusations may be both how she explains things she has lost herself and how shr manipulates those of you taking care of her.
Why are you staying? Is it time for a facility for her?
If her care has gotten to be too much for you, then it's time to be looking into placing her in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to being her child, and not her caregiver.
You must do now not only what is best for your mother, but also what is best for you, as you matter as well.
I wish you the best in making the right decisions regarding your mothers care.
I'm not being flippant here. There were two instances of this behaviour that really stand out. One, the time she followed me out to the utility room to wash clothes and stood right beside me watching like a hawk, screaming in my face that I was breaking the washer. I was in my late 50s!
The other was when I was driving her around town pointing out where my ex's parents had lived. She called me a liar and insisted it was across the street. She didn't even know the people.
Ah, well, for my own sanity I had to stay away for years, only talking by phone or brief visits. It wore me out to where I became numb to it.
Looking back - what a lifetime of wasted opportunities for both of us.
Good luck!
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