It gets depressing to watch the decline and be the one obligated (legally as poa, mpoa) and accused at the same time. While I am sorry you are going through this, I am glad to hear the comments. I have forgotten the accusations that mom made to other family members in recent years. It's impacted my relationships and for this today I am sad. With the impending loss of my mother, I've lost the rest of the family. Their enabling behavior and anger towards me seem to fit with the denial of mom's changed status. Family dysfunction continues. I've stuck in there with mom (as well as my aunt and a sister) and come through some hard moments. Somehow when others see her on the rare occasion she is able to look like her old self and reverts back to the impression of her 'normal' self. No one has truly seen the really hard times other than myself. And this means no help comes my way. That wall of denial makes it easier to believe that I stole from my own mother. It shocked me that this would be hurled my way after what I go through. I have nothing to prove to anyone except me surviving another loss.
Since she isn't aware of what she does, she should be sent to a care facility or full time in home help if you can afford it. You shouldn't be shouldering this burden all by yourself.
I have said it over and over again. Not everyone is able to be a caretaker and if the behaviors are impacting you very badly, stop being a caretaker - either find someone or place the person in a facility. Never, ever let them destroy YOU - you come first now. And as to the constant accusations, do the "nice" responses first but that won't stop them. So, rather than trying to hold it all in because of their broken brains, then let loose and explode - it may stop them long enough for you to calm down and keep a sense of sanity. In two minutes they will forget but it will relieve YOU.
This is a common issue caregivers face when looking after someone with dementia or Alzheimer's. It is a stage and it will pass. Sit tight. In the meantime try to hire people who are experienced, they will know she can't help the accusations as to her , her there one second , gone the next perception of objects is frightening and there can only be one solution: theft. If family members have used this as an excuse to fly the coop , talk to them and explain that how she sees the world now is distorted and scary so it isn't personal . If she accuses people of stealing , it's the only thing she can think of as a cause for items being so oddly and suddenly " gone". They'll either come around and help or they won't . I hope they do and I wish you luck
Unfortunately this is very common with people in cognitive decline. I have been the object of the accusations with my MIL many times, as have the staff at the AL/Memory Care place they lived. Fortunately most of them understand it is part of the job in caring for them. My FIL told us many times that his umbrella had been stolen. We found it--beside his chair in his room, but it blended in with the carpet. He didnt even notice when it was found, until it got "Stolen" again. We found it after he passed away--Up on his closet shelf near the back, where I'm sure he put it to keep from getting stolen. ;-). My MIL accused me of sneaking in to their apartment to steal her "valuable jewelry", which my husband found rolled up in the sheets in a drawer in their bedroom. I'm sure she put it there for safe keeping. The interesting twists on that story, were that A. It was cheap costume jewelry she had picked up at Souvenir shops on their travels over the years. B. She accused me of stealing it because I was upset when they kept the $$ my FIL's sister had willed to us. Can anyone say "Guilty conscience?" :-) You just have to be able to let that stuff roll off your back. It is the result of a broken brain. :-(
My Dad did that once when the Caregivers were taking trash out to the garage but let him know the bag was just trash.
Also saying they stole his money so He doesn't have any money laying around, I told him I put all his money in the Bank where it's safe and no one can get it.
I feel for you my mum is 81 years old and the same she thinks the Carers are stealing her sterident for false teeth,jumpers food from fridge etc it wears me down I find it easier to ignore her as before I was getting angry and shouting at her but felt it was a waste of time and all it was doing was stressing me out maybe time for you to get Carers or someone who can help but believe me its easier to try and ignore her accusations good luck
In her world, someone is stealing. My mom has 5 th stage ALZ, There is nothing you can do about the accuzations. It's time to put her in a home. You can't do it all, even if you think you can. Professionals are used to being accused. You should to. It's normal for people with dementia to blame others. Don't take it personal. Again, find her a home. My mom loves it in her new enviroment. She's so consumed with things to do and people to chat with, she's not accused anyone of stealing in months. Good luck to you.
That's just what they do, it is nothing personal. If your family could understand that, maybe they would start helping you with your mother. It isn't fait to put it all on you.
My mom, with Alzheimer's, would also accuse "people" (sometimes named and sometimes unnamed,) of stealing from her. I wrote a book about taking care of her called, " My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."(I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that this slightly broad "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) I have a chapter entitled, "Steal Yourself for Stealing." Once, she accused someone of stealing her dental bridge. You know where it was? In her mouth! She'd accuse people of going through her purse, where she had a lipstick and $5. As much as I tried to convince her otherwise, she was believing about "thieving." She'd forget where she put something, and so if she couldn't find it, the "logical" (in her mind) explanation was that someone must have stolen it. I just learned to live with these accusations, and tried to find a sense of humor when I could. Best of luck.
Lymie61 asks a good question about whether caregivers who were chased away were other family members or were hired aides. Accusations of stealing are almost universal as cognitive abilities deteriorate. The stealing accusations may be both how she explains things she has lost herself and how shr manipulates those of you taking care of her.
My own 93 year old mom did this to me since at least I was a young teen. I never had a chance to have a meaningful conversation with her as everytime I said something she always negated anything it. I'm not being flippant here. There were two instances of this behaviour that really stand out. One, the time she followed me out to the utility room to wash clothes and stood right beside me watching like a hawk, screaming in my face that I was breaking the washer. I was in my late 50s! The other was when I was driving her around town pointing out where my ex's parents had lived. She called me a liar and insisted it was across the street. She didn't even know the people. Ah, well, for my own sanity I had to stay away for years, only talking by phone or brief visits. It wore me out to where I became numb to it. Looking back - what a lifetime of wasted opportunities for both of us.
I’m wondering if you are speaking about other family members or paid professionals when you indicate her accusations have chased everyone away. As everyone else has said this is not uncommon behavior so professionals should be very familiar with this kind of thing and have suggestions for how to protect themselves and deal with it so you know they aren’t stealing. Family members is a different story and while. very hurtful they need to be made aware of the fact that this is common behavior from people with age related cognitive decline. They really need to see it as a stronger reason for needing their help, if it’s that difficult on them imagine how wearing it is on the person who is her main caregiver! Unfortunately there are many hurtles that make this so hard for the people who love and are closest to the patient, it’s heartbreaking. These hardships as well as the pleasures should be shared not all held by one person, even when that means the sharing includes paid professionals. It sounds like you either need new caregivers, caregiving situation or to collect your family for a discussion and regrouping. Explain how hard her behavior, their hurt and their reaction is on you and how much you need them to talk to, share with and yes share the work burden with too. There are many ways to help and it may look different for each person but this needs to be a village effort not an individual one. However you have to do it, shed some of the work, some of the burdensome parts and know that doing so only makes you a better caregiver. You have support here, good luck.
I totally understand!!! My mom done the same thing fir a long time! Sometimes she will still bring it up. But we just got to where we would say oh no I’m so sorry we will check into it and make sure it doesn’t happen again. And try heard to change the subject gently to something she liked as a child or just say well we’ll have to pray for them want we! because to them it is so real. I’m so sorry your having to do this alone I will be praying for you! Because it is exhausting! And you need help. I wish I knew where to tell you to turn to for help. Some places have adult sitting services so you can go get your groceries and go to doctors appointments. You take your parent there and drop them off for the day I don’t know how much they charge but it will give you a break! You take care of yourself!
If your mum has managed to chase people away with this behaviour and you need to employ someone - try warning them up front. Maybe just say that they may get accused of 'various things' and not to take exception! If they are experienced they will understand.
Yup…this is what they do..My mom loves me dearly. I am her everything..yet she told my brother “your sister has all my money and put me in this place”. {she set me up as POA years ago}. She tells me “all my clothes were stolen”. When I brought the winter ones to her this week she said “none of that is mine!”. I refuse to get worried about her statements. This is what they do when cognitive abilities decrease. Staff know that..In my 27 years of working as a Geriatric Nutrition staff member everyday I heard those stories. I got counseling and it helped. I do my best daily. It is NOT my job to keep mom happy..my job is to keep her safe. I watch over her money, her possessions and keep her in a great place. I change the subject when the stealing conversation starts..”oh mom look a cardinal just flew by”. Etc.. Good Luck…this job is rough!!
If she has dementia or some other cognitive decline that means she is accusing people of stealing from her - an almost inevitable stage people go through - I am wondering what she does or who is being employed as a caregiver that they do not understand this is perfectly normal. It isn't nice to be accused but the patient doesn't know what they are doing. Why don't the caregivers know and accept this. For you dealing with mother can you tell her you have removed "x" for safety and if she needs it you will be able to get it back for her, no one has stolen it?
That is very typical of folks with Alzheimer's/dementia to accuse others of stealing. I'm surprised that she hasn't accused you yet. If her care has gotten to be too much for you, then it's time to be looking into placing her in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to being her child, and not her caregiver. You must do now not only what is best for your mother, but also what is best for you, as you matter as well. I wish you the best in making the right decisions regarding your mothers care.
Those "missing" items truly seem stolen to someone with dementia. There is no convincing or rationalizing. The paranoia and accusations are hard to deal with, but, this behavior is really common and professional caregivers should be trained to deal with it. Is it that family members or caregivers won't put up with her, or mom doesn't want them there because of distrust? Find someone who's able to understand it isn't personal, and then try some distracting techniques or duplicates for what she believes is misplaced. If you're already stating you are exhausted, there's no way you can continue to do this alone.
My Mom did the same thing and fought with her aides about quarters. It is so common with dementia for people to be afraid they have lost things, especially a wallet or pocketbook or money. They experience a loss of control and blame somebody else. It helps a bit to let them keep their pocketbook or wallet with them. If she thinks something else was stolen you can engage her in a hunt for it. ((She probably misplaced it). Otherwise, you just can’t convince her it wasn’t stolen but you might be able to engage her in a conversation about feeling vulnerable.
In the meantime try to hire people who are experienced, they will know she can't help the accusations as to her , her there one second , gone the next perception of objects is frightening and there can only be one solution: theft.
If family members have used this as an excuse to fly the coop , talk to them and explain that how she sees the world now is distorted and scary so it isn't personal . If she accuses people of stealing , it's the only thing she can think of as a cause for items being so oddly and suddenly
" gone".
They'll either come around and help or they won't . I hope they do and I wish you luck
L
Also saying they stole his money so He doesn't have any money laying around, I told him I put all his money in the Bank where it's safe and no one can get it.
I'm not being flippant here. There were two instances of this behaviour that really stand out. One, the time she followed me out to the utility room to wash clothes and stood right beside me watching like a hawk, screaming in my face that I was breaking the washer. I was in my late 50s!
The other was when I was driving her around town pointing out where my ex's parents had lived. She called me a liar and insisted it was across the street. She didn't even know the people.
Ah, well, for my own sanity I had to stay away for years, only talking by phone or brief visits. It wore me out to where I became numb to it.
Looking back - what a lifetime of wasted opportunities for both of us.
Good luck!
If her care has gotten to be too much for you, then it's time to be looking into placing her in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to being her child, and not her caregiver.
You must do now not only what is best for your mother, but also what is best for you, as you matter as well.
I wish you the best in making the right decisions regarding your mothers care.
Why are you staying? Is it time for a facility for her?