My 91-year-old father lives with us. He is negative, mean, anti-social and rude. It really affects the entire house. What can we do?

Yes, if he gifted the money (no loan, no joint title), then you have done your best to fulfill the only obligation you have - which is moral, not legal, and you have done without success. That makes it very straightforward legally. As I wrote, “you can be clear about your ‘rules’. And if he doesn’t stick to the rules, he needs to find somewhere else to live”. What you need now is the strength of mind to implement it.

Think carefully – would you accept a gift from a stranger-giver that came with an obligation to give unending toleration to someone who is “negative, mean, antisocial and rude”? I bet you wouldn’t, unless you were starving or a slave. So don’t.

Perhaps this is a good time to buy and read the book “Boundaries”, and work out your own. Then tell Dad what they are, and what his options are if he chooses not to follow them. To make it clear that you are serious, lend him the book, give him a phone number for take-way delivery service, and stop cooking for him next time he goes over the line. Have courage, Margaret

DC, so dad gave money to both you and brother.

Brother does not appear to think that dad giving money created an obligation to house and caregiver someone who clearly needs a higher/different level of care.

Why do you?

Dad didn't "invest". He gifted.

What does ‘he invested in our home’ actually mean? Did he really ‘invest’, ie lend you both some money? That’s a different thing legally from ‘he is a joint owner, on the title with you’.

If he lent you some money, you can pay him back by borrowing from another lender. Then he no longer has ‘rights’. You still need to deal with the expectations that he can live with you, but you can be clear about your ‘rules’. And if he doesn’t stick to the rules, he needs to find somewhere else to live.

If he is a joint owner, you need a lawyer to sever the joint ownership – and you will still need to pay him back. More difficult, but still possible.

It may be worthwhile being the people who finally say “NO” by spelling out these options – and his if you use either of them. It will be very difficult, but he does NOT have you over a barrel. This could go on for almost a decade, so don’t ruin your lives.

More information about the legalities and any written obligations would help me explain the legal options.

Yours, Margaret

Correction: I see that the house belongs to you. Figure out what you owe him and that is what he gets if you have to make that “hard choice.”

I told my Dad that if he didn’t straighten out and be civil with the family to work with us instead of against us that we would have to make some “hard choices.” I don’t know why, but those words seemed to resonate with him and he has modified his behavior a little for the better. I am not sure I could tell myself or him exactly what “hard choices” means, but I think we both understood it would mean a major change to his living arrangement. In your case, it might mean that you guys move out and find a new place to live. He can then sell his house if he wants and use the $ for a facility. My Dad lives in his own house with my younger brother who has been exposed to behavior similar to what you describe. I have my mother at my house. She is bedridden. When we have a family gathering, my Dad can get out of whack and be like a wrecking ball. I am pretty certain with my Dad that it is a combination of his controlling personality, mild dementia, fear of losing his independence, fear of end of life and possibly a passing UTI or post surgical anesthesia effects. Who knows? But whatever it is it is not healthy to continue in that environment. I don’t have answers - just sympathy. Good luck with finding a solution.

Why is he angry?

If he's always been this way, he won't change. If this is new behavior it might be the beginning of dementia.

Others here have given you good advice. Find a plan and follow through.

Grandma1954 8/6/23

The only way around this is to repay what he has put into your home.
If he is on the mortgage it might be tough to refi without his signature.
If you have savings you could repay him.
If you have no savings and there is no other option he will have to buy you out. You get the money that you put into the purchase and then move on. Downsize if you have to.
If he does not have the money to buy you out it would then force the sale of the house and you would both get the cash you put in and any "profit"
I would consult an attorney for the best way to get out from under this.

When I used to work for a company that gave out pensions, we called it the "golden handcuffs"

I would suggest that you research where how and the cost for your Dad to move to an independent or assisted living center. Include in the cost, everything that you are currently providing for him, including meals and medication management and laundry.

Then think and put into words, what would he have to change for him to continue to live with you and your family. Is the list something reasonable or has life progressed too far for him to redeem himself? Be realistic.

Then I suggest there are 3 options for consideration:
1) sell your home and move into a smaller home, returning his investment plus a small amount for interest, and moving him out at the same time you downsize.
--or--
2) refinance your house in the amount that he gave you
--or--
3) write a loan agreement where you agree to pay him back x amount each month which will help pay for the independent or assisted living facility. The interest should be fair, but not outrageous. Use a mortgage calculator found on the internet (google mortgage calculator) to see how much the monthly payment would be for the different interest rates.

Then tell him that you would like to pay him back for his investment. Under normal circumstances, he would ask why. Talk about his behavior with him. Use your list of improvements. If he doesn't ask why, I suspect that he wants out of your house too and at least you will have done some research ahead of time for his future or he might be in the beginning stages of dementia.

I understand that he gave you the money to invest in your house. However, that shouldn't make you obligated to put up with bad behavior so that you no longer can enjoy living in the house. If he is a person with reasonable wealth and he was not like this when he was your Dad while growing up, this might be the jolt that he needs to alter his behavior.

If he is alone most of the day, he might be just bored or being influenced by the TV. In that case, maybe it is time for senior day care or he needs to have more daytime activities.

Dcoyne22: Perhaps your father should reside in an independent living facility. Your marriage is your priority.

Similar situation here. I just moved my 91 year old mother into my home 9 months ago. She is rude to my grandkids when they visit and hard to deal with. The tension in my home is here and I hate coming home. I had no clue that she was this bad. I work full-time and have to bathe her, feed her, etc. She cannot be trusted to be alone long and none of my siblings help or even care how this is effecting me and my husband. They tell me there is no other choice!!! I'm currently looking to find her assisted living because i will not be able to do this much longer. Had I known what I do now I would never have moved her in. Sometimes I sit outside and cry. I just found this site and am relieved in a way that I'm not the only one. I feel guilty not wanting to be her caregiver but I've come to realize that it's not fair to me or my family.

I posted earlier but would like to add to my post.

I seriously feel that basic life skills should be taught in all schools. I actually took an elective class in high school called ‘Marriage and Family’ because I grew up in a dysfunctional household. I was curious about the subject.

This was a very interesting class and the teacher was fantastic! We learned basic life skills about life if we decided to marry and have children. I only wish that this class would have covered caregiving for a parent! It would have served me well.

I wish that ‘life skills’ classes would be a requirement for all students to avoid future pitfalls in their lives. Many of us on this forum would make excellent teachers for this class.

As parents, it is our responsibility to raise our children to become independent.

We should never raise our children to feel obligated to us. I have made a conscious decision to never to expect my children to feel as if they are indebted to me simply because I raised them.

I have told my daughters that they will never be responsible for me in my older years. I want them to remain being my children. Relationships are damaged when prolonged caregiving is involved.

I have no desire for my children to become my caregivers like I was for my mother. I know firsthand how difficult it is. Each of my daughters respect how I feel and they appreciate it.

If parents choose to continually financially support their children they are teaching them to become dependent upon them. This is how FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) situations are created.

These situations are extremely different from the parents who temporarily help children get over a bump in the road. I’m not opposed to helping a child in order to be able to help themselves.

Children don’t ask to be born. It’s our job to care for them properly and ask for nothing in return.

It might be time to get him use to living at an age care home.

Start with a couple weeks of respite care.

How you ask?
Everyone needs a holiday, so find a great vaccination deal (a cruise, a trip to Europe or around Australia, whatever you like) and give that as the reason you're going and why he needs respite time in age care.

That would be a start.

Assess his reaction when you get back. He might even like it.

Then repeat.

I am imagining you feel trapped by the financial arrangement. I urge you to speak to a counselor for problem solving and then maybe an elder attorney for helping with financial plans. The good news is your 91 year old father is in good health. It is reasonable to tell him you love him but this arrangement is not working out. He could live 10 years or more! Before too long you will find yourself counting the days till he passes. You should act now while he is still in good enough health to move into a different living arrangement. He may find friends and activities that bring a little joy into his life. That will bring joy to you as well. Just because he moves out does not mean you will abandon him. This current arrangement is designed to meet his needs only.

Your marriage and your mental health will be affected as long as you live with him.

Because: You can't change him. Because he feels entitled. Because he probably has dementia going on (and that never gets better). Because because and because.

Time to real up and recognize the truth, and the truth is in my first paragraph. Accept that. Now, what is in your power to change? Make a list. Big long list. Then start working on it.

That's the only way out of this.

True independence will be your ticket to freedom. Start looking for your own place, on your own dime. When "help" comes with strings attached it's awful. So sorry you're in this mess and hope you can find a way out.

Makes you wonder if he made the investments to have a foot in everyone’s door bc his behavior would certainly get him thrown out.

If you don’t change things eventually it’ll start effecting everyone’s health (not his)

It is Your House with Your Rules. Follow some advice from our other readers. Your father behaves, or it's time to move him out to a facility. To get yourself more positive, seek professional counseling for yourself.

Which moving company do you prefer? Please get him evaluated for placement, then go check out some places that offer activities and let him choose which one....give him a number of days to decide and don't budge. Contact an Elder Law Attorney to figure out his financials.

Has anyone ever stood up to him? If he starts a cussing fit throw one right back at him. My father didn’t do that often but when he did I would start yelling back at him and he would back right down. I’m not a yeller so he wasn’t expecting that from me.

Next time he blurts out something mean, ask him why he would say that and that it hurts you. Don't engage in the back and forth. Give him enough time to think about it and respond.

Time to give dad an eviction notice.

Treat your Dad like the child he is acting like. At 91 there is some decline cognitively wise. His age does not entitle him to act like he does, nor does he investing in your home. You and husband need to sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him enough is enough. The house is yours no matter how much he invested in it. That was a gift. And that's how u need to look at it. Tell him living together is not working. That if he can't keep himself under control, he will need to find somewhere else to live. You cannot take this tension any longer. Me, I grew up with a sister u had to walk on egg shells with. Then an ex-husband. Its so hard to anticipate if what you say or do is going to set them off. So, I chose to not play into that anymore. I ignore it. They will stay mad or they will get glad again. Because its really not what I said was the problem, its the mood they are in. So, I walk away.

Look up "grey rocking". You ignore him. You act like he is not there. You only talk to him when u need to. I would tell him "Dad u act like a spoiled brat" Then walk away. "Dad if you don't like it here, we will take you to tour some nice assisted livings." "Dad, I am tired of you talking to me like that, it has to stop". Its not disrespectful to ask for some respect. Your husband should be standing up to him. Man to man. He should tell your Dad that he does not appreciate how he talks to you or his daughter. If he wants to continue to live there, then he needs to show him and his family some respect. If Dad mentions the money, tell him you will find a way of paying him back. Never let someone blackmail you.

If Dad has not had a full physical, he needs one. Physically and mentally,

Investing in your home does not entitle your father to continue his rude and antisocial behavior. It should be discussed that if he is unhappy with his living arrangements, he can make other plans.

The " financial" input from him may be contributing to his behaviors which reflect dominance, control, entitlement etc; on the other hand, his chronological age 91 may be contributing with unexpressed various fears about EOL , limitations on independence , loss of independence etc, or even feeling like a burden but unable to verbalize " feelings" it all comes out as anger,
" cussing fits" etc. On the other hand, when was his last PCP checkup?
Suggest:
1. Get him into PCP for " checkup" and have PCP assess his actual cognitive status ( he could be developing some dementia related challenges and often these are exhibited in behaviors you describe).
Share ( tell) the PCP about these observed behaviors at home and have him/ her discuss these with the pt. Get suggestions, referrals from PCP about symptoms mgt and, a referral to a Senior / Elder Care social services case mgr who can possibly make some home visits and provide support, assessment etc options for everyone to have a healthier improved quality of life in the home.
2. If PCP deems the pt. cognitively appropriate to understand and retain information, then have the boundaries setting conversation with him to talk about your needs and how the home can be more peaceful. You can thank him if you like for his financial input into the home but make it clear that you will not be held captive and directed by that. That IF you are all to continue in the home together there has to be changes. The Senior SW services may be able to help you have this conversation.
3. Confer with an Elder Law Attorney to discuss the dynamics, situation and get valuable information about how to navigate the care responsibility, accountability of aging person going forward. This may prove invaluable to you going forward.
4. Perhaps consider some form of Senior Day Care to get him interactive with other seniors out of home, give some struy, purpose to his days....perhaps it may help him be less aggressive, demanding when home. Check with Senior Social services case mgr and PCP re appropriate services options to consider.
5. Be absolutely certain that you have all POA, and other needed authorization decisions making documents for medical, legal and financial needs for him in place and signed, notarized etc etc to give you or whoever is going to be assigned the authority needed to make decisions for him as needed. Elder Law Attorney or perhaps Licensed SW can help you with these if they are not in place or need updating.

Trying to establish a compassionate approach to maintaining your sanity and health is important. Practice good self care,get counseling support, and make YOUR and whole family's happiness ,quality of life the priority while respecting the 90 yr old without allowing him to control,dictate and bully you and the home. God bless you.

I totally get it. I am dealing with it too but since I stepped back a bit it’s improving. It’s affected my health so much and my mental well being. I asked the same questions but I know we need to take of ourselves too. I feel your pain…❤️

But OP, I’m sure even if there had never been any financial help by your dad to you or your brother, you still would have helped him and allowed him to live in your house. You’re kind.

But he’s mean to you. It’s better you don’t live together.

This is why you never accept money from a parent unless you are willing to put up with their quirks and behaviors.

Most times, taking the ‘easy’ way out isn’t really all that easy!

Mixing up family finances can end up costing you more than it’s worth.

It doesn’t work out due to a couple of factors.

The person who received money from the parent feels obligated or indebted to them.

The parent who gives or loans the money holds it over their heads. They may also be sorry that they made a foolish decision instead of allowing their child to figure out how to make ends meet on their own. They start to resent their child and treat them poorly.

If a parent does provide assistance to their child from the goodness of their heart, they should never throw it up in their children’s faces. A gift is a gift that doesn’t have to be paid back in any way, shape or form