My 89 year old mom lives alone and insists on sleeping upstairs. She can hardly make it up a curb with a cane but won’t move back downstairs.

Change the room. She won't like losing her DR, LR or Family Rm but move existing things that won't fit out when she is out or upstairs. Move down the bed she is sleeping in now.
Move out old Master Bedroom furniture, & depending on space/function use it as a changing room only..unless a changing/ dressing area can be made in another room.

Privacy: Room Dividers, Curtains on did or tension rod ( no holes)..the ones with the metal circles are earliest to open. Or ceiling mount vertical blinds make. Visual wall when closed and open for 'normalcy' in daytime.

Try to have good light blockage so she can sleep better. Bring down the photo and personal items she is accustomed to.

When she objects, refuse to rearrange things. Tell close friends it is doctors orders! She will have the bed and furniture she feels safe with.

You need to respect her memories & fears of losing your father in the old Master BR!! These are strong, deep emotional..paint won't change! She needs to respect your need to know she is safe.

Yes, EMS can get her from upstairs, but it takes longer...time is brain function.. quality of life in an emergency! You want her to have the best quality of life in her home, and Will Do Everything That Requires, even if it is upsetting to her.

Her health dictated the need! It is hard losing choices, but this choice has been taken from you both!
Again, focus on respect of her concerns about room where her husband died! Tell her that was why you chose this option. Yes, her opinion does matter! That is why she is not sleeping I the room she doesn't want to sleep...die in... Don't say die, let her say it!

Good Luck

Whatever she is feeling, it must be scary and sad. I don't blame her for not sleeping in that room. I would be concerned she might fall down the steps. Try to get her to sleep downstairs.

I vote no to the baby gate.

I recommend going to a doctor’s appointment with her and asking the doctor to initiate the conversation about safety at home. Either that or sitting down with her and talking when you’re both rational. She may be stubborn like my husband and not like to be reminded of her disability and refuse to discuss it until she is ready, or she might see logic, but not be able to visualize where exactly she could sleep downstairs other than the bedroom where her husband died. This might be why she dismisses the whole idea of moving downstairs. Make suggestions for which room could be moved around and where her bed could be placed. It makes no sense to navigate the stairs forever, and she must fear that.

We have had the bed in three of the downstairs rooms (2 living rooms and the study), but then again I enjoy moving furniture and rearranging. Makes life more interesting!

My mother is 95 and going through the same thing. Cognitively she is fine. Has a great memory and CRAWLS up the stairs to sleep in her own bed every single night. She lives alone also. Not a damn thing you can do, I’m sorry to say. You can’t control her anymore than I can control my mother. I agree with parise, she has to learn the hard way and feel the burn. Get life alert for her.

Marykathleen thank you for being the voice of reason!!! We are all going to get old and die. Some older than others. Nobody wants to be treated like a 2 year old and told what do do. Let people die on their own terms. It’s the cold reality. If a person is 100 percent cognitive and doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or dementia you have to leave them alone. I learned this when I was in therapy. People are allowed to make bad choices. We can’t control anyone except ourselves.

Yes needhelpwithmom, I am done arguing with her so I leave her alone.

If I could wave a magic wand and get my mother to have someone come in to help her everyday or go to assisted living I would. But she says no and the law is on her side. Even her family doctor says how remarkable she is doing. She even says it’s probably because she lives alone on her own terms. She told me that.

Robinr thank you for speaking the truth!! I 100 percent agree with you!!! It’s called autonomy!!!!

Speaking from experience here - and I realize it might be different with your mother. My mother was similarly independent and stubborn, living alone and sleeping in the upstairs bedroom even when everyone begged her to move downstairs for safety. She adamantly refused.
It took 2 hospitalizations and the post-hospitalization rehabs at home until finally she couldn't pass the physical therapist's test and was too weak to walk up even one step, before she would stop using the stairs and upstairs bedroom. She had falls, but luckily never on the stairs - just in her bedroom late at night.

A caution: everyone thought she was amazingly perfectly cognizant, but now that she has had obvious post-stroke cognition deficits I realize that her unreasonable stubbornness about the stairs was an early symptom of cognitive decline. She couldn't conceive of doing anything differently and couldn't understand the very good reasons people gave her for moving her bedroom downstairs.

Again Acorn stair lift is worth every penny. Mom can get up and downstairs easily and safely and still give her independence. We have a Walker for upstairs and downstairs.

OP hasn't responded since the 19th.

I’m back. I was visiting the grandkids in England for Christmas. Well my sister brought it up as well as my brother in law and we got a big not going to happen. I’m thinking of suggesting that we get it set up with a pretty bed and new drapes for those days that she is too tired to go up the stairs. I’ll mention it would make us feel better just knowing she has the option ,then leave it up to her discretion. If she turns that down then she’ll have to take life as it comes . I’d like it if she would agree to wear one of those emergency necklaces but she is too stylish for it. It’s her life

Casually mention that you respect her wishes and that you will be available to discuss her options on the event of her inevitable fall and it's effect on her ability to stay in her own home. Bottom line: move downstairs and make it easier on everyone involved.