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Won't move back to the master bedroom because my dad died in there 5 years ago. We’ve offered to redecorate but she won’t go for it. Like many other situations on here she is controlling, strong willed and independent and can be mean. We went through several years of this with my husband's parents and now my own mother. I’ve never felt close to her but I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing. Any tips on talking to her about her inability to get around? I’m kind of afraid of her. Ps. She is cognitively 100% able just has increasing issues with arthritis.

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Can you make the bedroom in a different room - reverse the bedroom and living room for example? Of course she is going to fuss and say it's unworkable but try to get her to see that it would be unfair for you to be the one who finds her dead or injured at the bottom of the stairs.
You might also have remove any bed that is upstairs so that sleeping up there isn't even an option.
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Reply to cwillie
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If you can afford it, perhaps get a stair lift installed. I know they are expensive but it is something that you and your husband might appreciate in a few years for yourselves. In Australia where I live, in certain circumstances the government will make a substantial contribution to the cost ... it us cheaper to keep people in their own homes than nursing home or aged care facilities.
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Reply to Shezza1
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One day she really won’t be able to climb the stairs anymore. In others words, events will happen that will make the decisions for you, or her in this case. She clearly wants her independence and you say she has her mind, so I’d say let it be. Climbing may be much needed exercise. One day it’ll be different and yes, an accident may happen, but that’s true for all of us
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Just leave her alone. she is getting up and down stairs today. Let tomorrow take care of itself. I think getting literature on stair lifts is a great idea. Then wait for her to not be able to navigate the stairs. If she falls, she falls. I recommend letting her do what she wants unless it impacts other people, like driving a car.

As an 85 year old, I do not want people telling me to stop something "for my own good". God, I hate those words. We are all going to die. Right now I have 2 friends and 1 relative on hospice. Most of us will end up in nursing homes. In the meantime, let us live our lives on our terms. She could sleep on the couch if she wants to.

I was at my husband's Cardiologist yesterday, he was telling us about a woman in her 80's that has Metastatic Breast Cancer all over her left side and neck. Her family wants to keep trying to save her, they want him to move her pacemaker from her left side to the right so they can radiate her entire left side. He said he hates to put her through it, but the family is insisting. Don't be one of those "loving" family members.

I think a security button (Help I've fallen down and can't get up) is great. Mention to her that she probably doesn't need it, but it will ease your mind. With my mother we set it up so they called me, then my daughter, then 911. My girlfriend who lived in Southern California and her mother in Montana (for those of you outside the U.S. about 2,000 miles away) had theirs set up so it would call 911 then her. That way she knew something was wrong.

I would remind her that you can't take her in to your home, and what does she want when she can't take care of herself? Then let her decide. Be grateful that she doesn't want to move in with you.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
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GraceNBCC Dec 20, 2019
It is more expensive, but also look at floorplan for an option of an elevator. They have ones that look like a closet door. The addition of accessibility should increase resale value.
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Would you want to sleep where your spouse died?!

Her behavior is normal. Stop trying to change her. Do you realize how many widows refuse to live in the house where a spouse passed away? My GF, an aunt and my own sister couldn't stay in the house. I lost my DH but this is MY house and I have no trouble staying here. My DH died in the livingroom, not in my bedroom. And I still had to replace the bed.

Until you walk in your Mother's shoes, please tread carefully.
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Reply to RayLinStephens
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robinr Dec 19, 2019
Everyone grieves differently. Some stay, some go, some leave belongings out, some get rid of them. I still recall someone years ago and had to have a chat with the person serving them who was annoyed that all this time later the person STILL had her husband's jacket hanging on a door knob.
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If he was in the bed, maybe she needs an entirely new bed, even a new size. My mom went from 2 twins to a full to make it "her" room.

Why do they have to be so darn stubborn?? Doesn't she understand that she could all too easily fall down those darn stairs and hurt or kill herself? Not too much you can do besides try to reason with her - but you can't be fighting with her about this regularly or it will just further damage your relationship.

Frustrating....
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Reply to againx100
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desiretolive1 Dec 19, 2019
You must understand that they are losing their independent. It is now your responsibility to be reassuring to them. As hopefully, they were to you when you were younger. Be patience they deserve it. Trust me, ONE day you will need that kindness also.
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Get her a stair lift if you can. They are very helpful.
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Reply to Robin1234
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desiretolive1 Dec 19, 2019
Yes
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Gather information on a stair lift & discuss with her.
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Reply to kdcm1011
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You might try to remind her that a fall down the stairs would most likely send her to a nursing home or worse.

Think about having an occupational therapist come in to evaluate her safety in her home. There are more problems than just the stairs. Her doctor could order it.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Maybe along with a new bed, redecorate some and ask for your mom’s input. She might warm to the idea over time as she sees the room transform. If not, it will be ready for her to move in when there is no other option. I get what you’re facing. Dad is 98 and maddeningly stubborn. Hoping for the best outcome for you both!
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Reply to SustainableCare
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Davenport Dec 19, 2019
My mom is 97 and maddeningly stubborn. She's got a caretaker 6 days a week, my niece lives with her (so she won't be home alone overnight), and my sister is there every minute in-between. That's 3 adults who make it possible to stay in her house. Makes me mad that she can't or won't see how selfish her 'cute stubbornness' is, or the lack of appreciation for those 3 adults. .. At least now I know how NOT to act when I'm 'there'.
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