My mom (86) was taken to the hospital and has a major bowel blockage. How do we deal with outsiders telling us what we should have done?

Your Mom did what she thought was right for her. The family should surround her with love and understanding. Anyone else should be shut out as they don't have the inside tract to what is right for someone else. BE STRONG

I congratulate you and your family in supporting your mother’s wishes. Ethically and morally your mother has made the right decision which is also supported by her doctor and her family. Just because something can be done doesn’t mean it should be done. We in our culture have a difficult time dealing with death so there is an expectation that everything should be done. The simplest thing to say to those who disagree with your mother’s decision is: “I appreciate your concern and respect your view. It is not what my mother, doctor, and family wish.
Dr. Edward Smink

You could just say "thanks for your input but this is what SHE wanted and thats all that matters".......and then ask them to pray for her ease of passage. Praying that you all have good memories and cherish each moment. God bless.

"It’s getting so frustrating hearing people tell us what should have been done." They are processing the information, but it is her process in the end. Thank you for respecting her decision.

Don't answer your phone until they calm down. You don't have to answer to people that are not kind and supportive especially during this time. It's an emotional time. I know because my Mother just passed away about a month ago. She was in Hospice as well and decided to go on and join her sister (whom she really missed) and other family members and friends that passed on before her. The added negativity is not needed. Just enjoy as much as you can the quiet, special times with you and your Mom and with those that bring a sense of joy and kindness into the picture.

On an added note, my father-in-law had a bowel blockage. He had been in assisted living for a while recovering from surgery after a heart attack. He went back to the hospital due to the blockage and his doctor indicated to all of us there is little possibility that he would survive the surgery. And if he did, he would have quite a difficult recovery. The family all decided to not have him go through any more pain and trauma. He was older and had already been through a lot. Everyone was at peace with the decision. He passed in a natural, quiet way with all his family there.

How do you feel about telling them that you don't want to hear this - and please stop? - And if they persist, let them know their remarks are hurtful. If they are willing to listen to you, you might want to tell them how they can support you - what you need to hear from them right now.

You followed your mother's wishes, hard as I'm sure it must have been for you. Bravo!

tell them you did the 5 wishes, which is what she dictates what her future will be due to medical/health concerns. It's her wishes and why would you want to go against HER wishes I would say to them.

How very rude, to give advice to your family at this time. Not only rude, but annoying, wrong, and a waste of your time.

You can simply say 'thank you' as soon as possible and hang up the phone or end the conversation. By simply being polite you are rising above their intrusion.

You really don't have to say anything else except good-bye. Your focus right now is your mother, and I'm sure your family is happy to have this extended time to say farewell.

Finally, go ahead and say whatever is on your mind! Why do you have any reason to worry about these other people when you are in the midst of a solemn family occasion?

It is very, very, terribly common for people to openly question a decision made by someone else based on their own knowledge and beliefs. I would make a bet on it having being done by just about everyone at one point or another, including you. Did you never say to someone "oh, you shouldn't do that" or "oh, you should do this," and so on. It is terribly uncommon, unfortunately, to assume that adults are more or less intelligent and have carefully thought through their decision without needing help from people who weren't asked for help. I try to listen to people (who have typically have good intentions) for as long as I can stand it. If they don't give up, I say - pointedly - "I'm a Grown-Ass woman and I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions." Everyone gets my point, which is basically STFU!

Imho, in a situation like this, you are always going to have individuals verbalize to you their OPINIONS on the subject, BUT you do not have to give them an ear.

No, do not be sad about this, this is exactly what we have decided that is more important to always act so caring about others despite their rudeness and your own grief. Who told all of these onlookers? Family grief does not have to be public but someone called up these people and yes, of course they want her to choose to live abd undergo surgery and die on table or live in pain post surgery or just die a slow death, and of course your mother possibly made her decision but this was not Published either, so you guys are judged because you want her to die, you made her do this.

I would not have done any of this and that is why all if this was private and not to be told to everyone since now you are going to be judged no matter what. No one has to know your family business and the problem with Hospice decisions no one wants to think that the person making the decision chose this. So, this might have been what your family wanted along with your mother but someone chose to open this up possibly on Media and that is our problem now. No privacy and what you felt was her last days to enjoy will now be talked about, posted about, and so on.

Do yourself a favor end this with a very Private Homegoing. You know how this got out, do not allow this to be the end for what was a better design. If you and immediate family agreed with your mother, then create the Homegoing someplace and do not share with anyone. There are no rules people do what you want and Quit be Sheep to judgmental bullies. Politeness is never given to many but many people do not know how to confront rudeness. Learn to stop embracing others bad behavior. Who cares if they agree they would not be invited to anything else. You do not have to be nice to mean people.

I suppose it depends to a certain extent on who the outsiders are, and whether they have any business at all expressing any kind of opinion. But that said, I don't think I'd be sad at the nerve of these people. I think I'd be incandescent with rage. How dare they?

Do you absolutely have to have them in the house?

People act irrationally out of fear or just plain wanting to be control freaks. I'm glad your mom can do what she has chosen to do. God bless you in this time.

Stay strong. I can't believe how rude and ignorant ppl can be. Some years ago, I lost all of my hair during chemo for breast cancer. More than once, I overheard ppl say they would never take chemo. Relatives snarled their lips at the sight of my head in a scarf, but most memorable was the jerk that sat behind me during lunch at a restaurant one day. He didn't keep it a secret to anyone in the place that I completely grossed him out. Truth is, i scared the decency out of the little coward. And I had my scarf on anyway. What a whimp!
Now I'm all better, and everyday I get to thank Science and the Universe for another opportunity to shampoo my hair! Lol! You stay strong. They are not as brave and loving as you are. Poor things! Life is scary:)

during my 93 yr old mom's last weeks in late March/early April I was caught up in the things that could be done for her rather than the reality of her need for comfort. I suppose people will have their opinions and some of the suggestions may seem to be the right answers for medical options. But these can be the right answers to the wrong questions. When an elderly persons begins to move toward their end, they have a sense of that. My mom started mentioning going home one way or another back in January. She was not clear minded and had advanced dementia but I realize she was trying to ask for something like hospice in February. It was her time and I am so happy for your mom that you have supported her in her decision that this is her time. I wouldn't be concerned about the outside opinions at all.

All I can do is send you a huge virtual hug.

At 80 years old I was taken to hospital where they inserted a tube in my nose and removed the blockage. Not fun but she can live through this!

Mom absolutely made the right decision. She is in control of how she wants to leave this earth and chooses to not end up in assisted living draining family resources. The family does not need to give excuses. It is dispicable that people would even mention such a thing. It is nobody's business how we choose to die.
She is surrounded by loved ones, in her own home. Play some soft music and embrace death. We all have to walk that path ....... it can be a beautiful process.

Sometimes people believe that the internet and watching Dr. Oz qualifies them as medical a professional.
tell them "thank you so much for your thoughts but the decision is Mom's and we respect her decision and hope you will respect her wishes"

Tell.them what you just wrote so clearly Its NOTB by the way.

I would tell them that it was your mother's wish to die at home and try to switch the subject when they start to talk about it again.

You have done the right thing in honoring your mother's wishes. When others speak, all you need to do is tell them you appreciate their concern, but that your mother and your family have dome what is right for you and will not discuss it further. Many, if not most, people do tend to believe they know what is right for everyone [until one tries to tell them what to do]. I certainly understand your frustration. Recognize that others may mean well, but they do not usually have all the facts and you do not need to explain yourselves. [ I presume from your info that you have discussed all the options with your mom's doctors.]