My mom (86) was taken to the hospital and has a major bowel blockage. How do we deal with outsiders telling us what we should have done?

Vm, I'm so sorry that your mom is ill.

Ill-informed people will forever be ignorant. "You can't force a competent adult into a surgery they don't want" is all I would say.

"How do we deal with outsiders telling us what we should have done?"
We are responsible for how we choose to live and, although debatable as to how we might 'choose' to die, it would be fair to say we have the right to receive or deny treatment given our personal preference - be it to avoid pain and suffering, or to simply escape the turmoil of living for which the causality comes as a blessed relief.
Ideally, your mother would have expressed this in her own hand or been duly witnessed by objective third parties. What you 'should' have done is what your mother desired: to go in peace surrounded by loved ones.
Give outsiders their right to feel aggrieved - death is confronting for the living, but be comforted by honouring your mother's wishes.

Just tell them to walk a mile in your shoes. Nobody has the right to criticize when the choices were made out of love.

I am so sorry that you are losing your mom. May God grant you peace and wisdom during this difficult time.

I second what barb said to tell them. "You can't force a competent adult to have surgery they don't want".

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I cared for my dad last summer when he chose to come home on hospice. He’d had enough of this world for good reasons. I had a few nosy, rude people make comments and soon found answering either by saying “he made the best choice for himself and it’s not up for discussion” or even better, no reply at all worked best. You don’t owe explanations or trying to justify this. Take care of mom as best you can and ignore the noise. I wish you both peace and calm

You ignore them, and take comfort that you were able to honor your moms last wishes to die as she chose. Those ignorant people don't even deserve a response from you, so please don't waste your time giving them another thought.
Just enjoy whatever time you have left with her, and make sure you leave nothing left unsaid. May God grant you His comfort and strength in the days, and weeks ahead.

Your mom sounds amazingly brave and strong. Most people don’t understand that abdominal surgery is a much higher risk for the elderly. My step-mom (83) died during her bowel obstruction surgery, we never had a chance to say goodbye. For people who second-guess her decision - maybe a curt response of “you don’t seem to understand the situation” is enough and cut them off.

"Mom made the decision that was best for her. We decided as a family the best way to honor her and show our love is to support her and her decision fully. We would hope that everyone who loves mom would understand and support her choice as well."

I am so sorry for your impending loss, and I hope hospice gives mom and all of you the support you all need and deserve. When my mom decided on hospice, we had a few "helpful" bits of advice, but since we were in the middle of the pandemic, I think they were fewer than they might have normally been.

Prayers for all of you in the coming days.

Sometimes the best answer is NO answer. Just silence. OR if you feel you need to explain, you can say "Why in the world would you ask such a personal question?"

That will shut up the most aggressive soul--but I have only used it once or twice.

So sorry you are going through this. Outsiders who say such things don't deserve a response. Responding to them only upsets you and nothing you say will change their minds. A quick "Your opinion is shocking. I've got to go now" and turn and walk away might send the message that they have crossed a line. People like that have no manners and I wouldn't waste my time on them explaining your mother's difficult and personal decision.

I don’t know who these “outsiders” are but they are way out of line. If they are family it only makes it worse. Your mom was lucky to have you. I wouldn’t waste a second of my life having anything to do with these people.

It’s none of their business!!! Would these interfering nosy bodies be happier if she survived surgery..but then became incontinent, immobile & then get dementia? Then have all the family instead of remembering her in a loving way.,,she started to be mean & nasty to everyone? She would definitely need 24/7 care & God Bless her for having the strong mindset of NOT WANTING TO BE A BURDEN TO ANYONE!!!!! I admire her. She is choosing her path. Give her HUGS 🤗 from me💕

"We" couldn't have made a decision that was only up to ONE person: Your mother. She made her decision, and "we" are all respecting it, as everyone should be doing.

I have a story for you. My uncle just recently passed away about 2 weeks ago at 85 years old. He'd had a bowel obstruction and his children & grandchildren all convinced him to have the risky surgery which he agreed to. He never recovered from it, went into a coma, and passed away 3 weeks later. Imagine how the family feels NOW, after having insisted he have that risky surgery, and now burying him a month or so later?

I am sorry you are witnessing your mother's impending passing; I know how hard this is for you as I've gone through it myself with my father. Wishing you strength and courage during this difficult time and no suffering for your dear mom.

I don’t think they deserve any answer. A quiet stare and walk away should be enough.

You could tell them to discuss the matter with your mom.
I truly love Frances73's answer.
They really do not deserve an answer. And people that ask questions like this are not "friends" (frienemy or frenemy comes to mind.)
She was given the options, the risks and she chose what she wanted.
((hugs)) you and the rest of the family does not need their "help and support" at this time.

Sometimes when accosted by someone who is truly tactless, I put on my "dumb girl" act. I look at them blankly like I truly don't understand the question and say, "Why on earth would you say that?" or something to that effect. It works remarkably well to point how how completely out of line their comment is. Eventually they seem to understand that no sane person would ever say such a thing, so WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT and they usually back off.

My grandmother did the same thing. She was in a nursing home, had a bowel leak and they wanted to do surgery which would have meant a colostomy bag after that. She declined, and died shortly thereafter. The doctors told my mom that my grandma made the right decision.

As for the people who want to run your life, tell them you recently took a field trip learning to mind your own business, and that they should consider trying it.

Just tell them that this was mom's decision - she lived her life on her own terms. She was ready to go. We have to be happy with her decision.

Some people won't let up, so you might have to take tougher approach with them. I'm sure we could have done what you say and made her very unhappy. We could have taken her ability to make a thought-out decision. We have to accept what she wanted. Find a reason to excuse yourself to end the conversation

”I’m sorry but I prefer not to discuss Mom’s care”.

Sending my love and support to you and yours.

Our GP’s reaction when we guess something is ‘Where did you get YOUR medical degree?’.

So sorry about your dear mother. Ignore those people that try to make you feel guilty. She made her choice and in my opinion it was a wise one. When it comes the time for my mother not to want any more treatment for her severe UTI's I will respect her decision and stop them. My brother decided not to have chemotherapy for bowel cancer. The cancer spread to other parts of his body. I was relieved when he said he was not going to get treated, but at the last minute he decided to be treated and passed away in eight months. I respected his decision and our family supported him throughout his treatments.

I say ignore the outsiders. It was your mother's decision and it was supported by her family - that is what counts. Your mother is at peace and being well looked after by her family and hospice.

If you have to tell outsiders anything - tell them gently and with pride - that your family supported your mother's decision, which for your mother, was the right decision.

May you continue to be blessed with peace and grace and love for each other.

Her body, her life, her choice. You made the right decision by supporting her. The rest is just noise.

My stepmother had the perfect answer when an acquaintance asked why my dad was being cared for by hospice. She said "i can't imagine why you think that is any of your concern". In her sweet Australian accent, it shut people down in their tracks.

Tell them, "Mom is in her right mind so the decision is hers. We will abide with her wishes."

Another comeback could be, “I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

First of all, you truly don’t owe them an answer. In these circumstances, the person asking isn’t asking out of concern. They are nosey, busybodies that think that they know it all. Who knows everything in life? Truly smart people are continually learning throughout their lives. They don’t have a ‘know it all’ personality.

If you desire to give an answer, simply say, ‘This is her choice and we wholeheartedly support her.’ If they start spouting their shenanigans, walk away if you can’t stomach anymore or tell them, ‘I am not interested in what you have to say.’ Oh, whenever I have said that to an obnoxious person, they are usually stunned. Their egos are crushed!

‘Bullies or know it all’ types don’t like to be put in their place but I find it quite satisfying to do so when needed. Why should we care about offending someone who could give a ‘rat’s ** about us? I can’t think of a good reason, can you?

I am terribly sorry that you are dealing with this situation. I just lost my mom in April. She also had hospice care. Your mom made the best decision for her and that is all that matters. What others think is neither here nor there. It’s annoying but you know in your heart that their opinion is useless.

They are ignorant and most likely aren’t interested in changing their behavior. They may wake up if they end up going through a similar situation. Let’s hope for their sake and others that they will come around one day but I certainly wouldn’t hold my breath. Live your life exactly as you wish!

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult transition in your lives.

I can think of a variety of colourful phrases to tell them, but would probably get banned from the forum for posting them.

Good for you for carrying out her wishes.

Some people seem to always know what others should do... Usually they never have faced what you are facing but they know better of course. Better than you and better than doctors... Seem to be experts in everything...
I sometimes feel like answering sarcastically but I learned it is pointless... They usually aren't clever enough to understand sarcasm. Then I sometimes say I am just following the doctor's advice and I trust her...
Here we say that you should prize the coin for the value it has...
I wish you and your family all the best!

You answered your own question with a great reply....

 "She made the right decision for her. She was at peace."
"My dad & sister both died of cancer in their 50’s mom is content about reuniting with them & the rest of her family."