My 80-year-old mom is widowed for 20 years and now has a new love interest (who is 65). Anyone have experience with these types of situations?

I know this post is old but, I wanted to clarify, legally you can put down any amount for a sale or purchase of property or a business at the assessors office, it is public record and some things are nobody's business, like what I sold my business for or what I paid for my house. If you checked the assessors office you would find I sold a property for 10 bucks, yep, because the true sales price isn't anyone's business.

Please do not use public information as a reason to assume someone's net worth, it can be very misleading.

I, personally, know 2 situations like this.

One is my brother and his 26 years older than him girlfriend, whom he lives with. Her home is set up in a life estate to ensure she can't lose it by any means. Which is a great thing, because my brother isn't the least bit responsible with finances and they could be homeless if he could get his hands on her money. They are very happy together, so good for them.

The 2nd is a long time friend that met a woman 20 years his senior, they hit it off beautifully and will spend the rest of her life loving one another. He thinks her 80+ year old self is beautiful and the best thing to ever happen in his life. Who can begrudge them a second chance at this kind of love? Not me. I wish everyone could be loved like this until they depart this life.

If your mom hasn't already protected her assets, it may very well be too late. However, the worse thing you can do is to disparage her happiness and this man. She will cut you out of her life if you make her feel bad about this situation.

Please tread carefully while trying to help her ensure her future financial stability. These situations require lots of kid gloves, understanding and love to keep them from turning back on you.

My dad married a whore, yep, straight from a whorehouse in Beatty, NV that sucked his millions dry and then divorced him when he was ill and needed care. There was nothing anyone could do but watch this manipulative, scheming thang work him like the idiot he became around her. So very sad but, it made him happy, so it wasn't a bad thing, just a very hard thing to witness.

I would go visiting, meet this man and trust what you see. This might be a huge blessing for your mom and her new love. Give it a chance before you decide.

Scary..my best friends mom did this, married the guy and then signed over her home to him. She died of Alz 3 years later and he got the family homestead! True story! A few months after the marriage he put her in a nursing home. When my mom found a guy who seemed iffy…her doctor recommended taking charge of the checking and credit cards. Good luck.

jane1265: Perhaps you'll be wise to do a full background check on this gentleman. Something sounds suspect from the jump.

You can have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother and help her protect her finances from a potential scammer. Like making you her POA and her not paying any bills for this man.
If she wants him to move in, that shouldn't be a problem. So long as he behaves himself and he has no access to her finances or credit.

You need to find her a lawyer to protect her assets. Maybe even hire a PI to get a background check on this guy.

He could have lost everything because he just paid a bunch of medical bills or he could just be financially illiterate or.....

When you are 80 years old, it is tough to find a new life partner who is in good health near your age.

Conversation is the most important thing you can do. Let her know that there are people who will try to fleece her since she is a senior. As long as her "love interest" does not benefit from her finances or move in, it shouldn't be a problem.

If your mother doesn't already have a durable POA both medical and financial, a living will, and will, then it's long overdue irrespective of this younger man having come into the picture. It's a new year, she's now 80, and it's a good time for you to have the talk with her about setting her up for success for the rest of her life i.e. about making her money and assets last so that she is comfortable for the rest of her life. If she clams up, that's a bad sign, and you'll have to hire a private investigator in PA to check out the man and also make sure that no one is taking advantage of her.

FYI my husband saved both of his parents from financial ruin when my MIL was still alive and has had to do the same for his dad who no longer makes good decisions and has almost fallen into several scam traps.

My wealthy grandmother at age 75 married her 40 something year old chauffeur.
My mother decided to respect her choice albeit knowing full well the motives of the groom. Nothing changed; we continued to have Sunday dinners with them, and as grandmother was dying my mother was at her side.
Her only sibling, my aunt, went ballistic and caused no end of pain for my grandmother during the 14 year marriage. She refused any contact with her mother’s husband which meant no visits in her mother’s home. She employed lawyers to stop the marriage and protect financial loss. And was endlessly angry.
It is your choice.

Jane, if you are still around on forum I sure would love to know what your decisions were in this matter, and how it is going now. Hope you will update us.

* Be her POA, if you are not already.

* Do a criminal check on him. Get his birthdate. As is possible, ask your mom for his DL #.

* Have you spoken to him on the phone ? Do you want to?

* As others mentioned, get an attorney and get all her property in a trust.

Gena / Touch Matters

A widower married a younger woman who wiped him out of half a million dollars and then divorced him. He’s broke. She’s long gone.

I’d talk to a lawyer about getting all her assets in a trust — or maybe just tell the guy everything’s buttoned up in an irrevocable trust and see if he sticks around.

Is this man on Facebook? If so, start there to check him out. If he sold a business, that business may have had an online presence. Check it out. Are you in touch with any of your mom's friends? Ask them what they think. Do that background check as others have said. I do think you have valid concerns. Lonely people are vulnerable to being duped.

Good Morning,

I couldn't help but think--I think they call this being a "cougar".

Basically, bottom line younger men dating older women--usually with money.
Men have been dating younger women for years for looks, however, in this situation, you need to mind Mom's finances.

Years ago, when I owned a business a tall dark handsome young man asked me out. I would walk on my lunch hour and our paths would cross. When he asked me out I actually looked around to make sure he was speaking to me.

He was a "want-to-be-actor" working as a valet, much younger than me. I immediately responded, thank you but I am too old for you, I have a niece and then I continued and besides "I don't have any money". "If you're going to choose an older woman you want one with $$$. That leaves me out".

I told him how old I was. I said I am in my 40's and he responded that's nothing my last girlfriend was older than that.

I knew I would encounter him on a daily basis so I said, "this is one of the nicest things that has ever happened to me...when I'm in my 80's and look back I'll remember you asked me out"! I had to save face, to part with him getting a compliment and I never opened my wallet.

Did you ever see the movie "Georgetown" with Vanessa Redgrave? These things do happen. Loneliness is another issue with the elderly and you don't want fraud, your mother to co-sign or even a marriage proposal which would give you no say over anything.

I would run a background check on him. How did they meet? Some more homework needs to be done immediately before it's too late.

Read what some readers said and do an anonymous background criminal and credit check on this man. Does he have any other type of income besides his current job? Your mother's boyfriend may be working to cover an income gap while waiting to claim full Social Security benefits as early as age 67 to maximum benefits at 70. Hopefully, he is not using her estate to take financial advantage of her? What kind of a job?

At 80 she can do what she wants why is there even a question, I hope she is HAPPY :)

Isn't it interesting that if this was an 80 year old man dating a 65 year old woman no one would think twice about? It sure is a double standard isn't it?
If your mom is happy after being widowed for so long then you should be happy for her as well, though cautiously.
Now that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go and meet him for yourself, and find out what you can about him(and yes that should be done if the man is older than the woman too).
Although your mom appears to be handling things on the homestead, I can't help but wonder if in fact she may not be as competent as you think, as I find it hard to believe that if you yourself was dating a man 15 years your junior that mom would be thrilled about that.
I wish you the very best going forward in this shaky territory.

I recommend you spend a bit of money to do a full background check (both credit and criminal.) There are services that you can pay to do that for you. Of course, you don't tell your mother or her bf this unless you find something major that she should know.

If she is competent, don't interfere! Be grateful that she has a friend unless or until you have a documentable reason for concern. She may not stay head-over- heels. It may be short-lived. Maybe it's nothing more than a platonic interest of likeminded people.

At 80, some unmarried women are tired of not having anyone to accompany them to social events. Maybe they don't drive much anymore. Their women friends can have limited interests, possibly sick, constantly involved with grandchildren, or otherwise busy. A friend who is a man may be just what they need to be happy, whether a romantic interest or not.

You might suggest that she enroll you as a trusted contact for her financial accounts. That doesn't get you access. It keeps her accounts private. But you are the one the banks would call if there were concerning overdrafts or many large checks made out to the same person. This would set your mind at ease and also protect mom.

If this guy was able to buy a trailer for a dollar, maybe he's just smart.

I think you are wise to be concerned. While it could certainly be a good relationship, you have to be wary that she doesn't end up signing everything over to him. And then when she's older and needs help/care, he will be gone.

In that situation, so many seem to feel that they must either move their parent in with them or go live with their parent and be the 24/7/365 caregiving slave. I'm sure you don't want that to happen!

I would suggest you check this out but sometimes these relationships are legit. My BIL lives in an adult 55+ community. When he was 75, he had a companion who was 90. She treated him like gold and he wasn't looking to take advantage of her. They just enjoyed the same things.

I suggest that you take a little trip and get to know this "younger man"
If mom is competent there is little you can do.
You say he is 65 and working a minimum wage job. That is what he is doing now. Is he retired from a previous job that he is collecting a pension or Social Security. And the reason he is working minimum wage job is to keep his earnings under a particular threshold?
I think before you pass judgement you should get to know this man. See what he is like, how he treats mom and how she acts around him.
All that and do a bit of background checking as well.

Is your Mom fully capable, that is to say not incompetent, not suffering from dementia? If so there is very little you CAN do. Being head over heels--just what, for your Mom does that mean. Does she see this as a romantic relationship? Does she see this as a "adopted child" she likes, who helps her, and who she can help?
Have you spoken to Mom about your fears, and if so what does she say? Because of course, the truth is that there is nothing whatsoever you CAN do about your Mom's choices, be they poor or good decisions, other than to speak with her.
I would for certain pay a visit. FOR CERTAIN, and now. A good way to meet the new beau and to assess things. Do know that you are well able to hire a private detective, and in my opinion might want to consider it dependent on what your assessment is when you visit.
I am 80. So I am forewarning you, that talking is where you need to start. If she will NOT talk with you (and you need to remain calm and gentle), then I would consider looking into background, but, heck, I might do that for my grandson's girlfriend, too, hee hee (only kidding).
Your choice how to proceed, but as I am said, I am 80, so I would suggest you do it with great caution!