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I’ve never spoken about this to anybody before, even within the family it doesn’t get discussed, just brushed under the mat. There’s something wrong with Mum, I have thought for a while it was bipolar or split personality disorder as she can change in a second. It’s quite scary to witness, one minute she’s hysterically shrieking with laughter to a neighbour on the doorstep or phone and 2 seconds after they’ve gone or hung up it’s like a big black cloud descends and you know to leave her alone! It’s as if she hates me and my Dad. We walk around on eggshells around her, scared of her, this has gone on for as long as I can remember.
I’ve taken some advice I read on hear about documenting events when Mum’s in a particularly bad way. I have several videos of her screaming, pacing around the house and muttering that she wishes we would die of cancer, I’ve also been keeping notes in a book. I’ve found in Mum’s case a ‘bad’ episode will be preceded by a good episode. It’s almost like that saying, ”if you think it’s too good to be true.. it probably is.”
Like when she invited my sister and her family to stay for Christmas after years of them avoiding visits because of her behaviour, (telling her then 5 year old grandson to “F-off” at Boxing Day dinner) only for her to change her mind within a week and un invite them.
I reached out to my Aunty who lives halfway across the world and was very much let down by her. She rang and told her everything, (speaker phone) even though everything I’d said to my Aunt was true and I only asked if something had happened in their childhood around Christmas time to trigger Mum’s behaviour, like did a traumatic event occur? Apparently not, and anyway, it all got turned around and my siblings and I came out of it seeming like ungrateful brats. Whatever my Aunt’s going through she wrongly compared and consoled, don’t worry Sis, I’ve got one of those at home to suffer with too, I know exactly how you feel. Except she doesn’t and they’re not alike in the least, bubbly Aunt versus depressed and emotionally abusive Mother.
A couple of years ago I bought a SAD light box machine for her, she never even tried it, it went in the bin.
Dad has doted on Mum from the age of 17, lavishing gifts such as expensive jewelry, steiff bears and holidays on her, but even he is getting to the end of his rope, with his own health deteriorating at an alarming rate. Just before Christmas he stood up to her and told her he was cancelling their two holidays this year and the Rolex watch she’s never worn will be sold to help pay off the mortgage, I was really shocked but proud. He’s not done either thing he said he would.
Mum doesn’t drive, she never passed her driving test but we live in a small village about half an hours drive from anywhere, she works 2 mornings a week down the local shop for 5 hours at a time and walks the 250 yards up the hill to the house, there is always a cup of tea and her lunch ready waiting for her at 13.30 on the dot lovingly prepared by Dad. This drives me crazy, and I’ve told him numerous times to stop waiting on her hand and foot because she never does anything like that for him. In fact she waits for him to go to bed then eats packets and packets of biscuits and chocs. She doesn’t get how good she’s got it but complains constantly that Dad’s an alcoholic (not true) and a junky (also not true, it’s his prescribed medication) she even rang my Dad’s own Mother who is 86, has COPD, Addisons and various other health issues to tell her how awful he treats her and how horrible her only son is. Luckily my Nan is a tough lady and took everything calmly with a pinch of salt.
Im so worried I’m going to end up like Mum and this is hereditary. Her own Mother became a recluse refusing to answer the telephone or front door, she died on her own after an untreated cancer illness.
I very nearly got away from her a few months ago but with the virus, I lost my job & deposit on my first house. I feel utterly trapped.

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Is there anyway you can ask if you can get your deposit given world's circumstances now? Who expected this to happen so quickly and gravely.. I put my first mask on today to go to the grocery store...
It's hitting pretty close to home when the neighbor behind my friend's house, died of covid19, and his wife is now in quarantine. I go past their home almost daily over 20 years now..
It seems like the whole World is "trapped".. mother nature taking care of herself? We thought 911 changed US... Look what this is doing? We stand 6 feet away, don't you dare shake me hand... Why are you not wearing a mask? Then in a way, people seem to be more considerate.. nice.. understanding.
I always thought that this world was getting smaller, and it is, but it seems we are becoming more aware of others, and nice, so far..
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Your dad LOVES your mom... He's been with her since she was 17? You don't really see that nowadays..
Don't worry about ending up like your mom... You have your dad's side too, compassionate, and caring, else you wouldn't be there. Your dad needs you too.
My friend told me one time: "You do not have to accept every invitation." She meant arguments, confrontations, etc. I am listening to that more..
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Move away as soon as the ban gets lifted and you find another job. It’s not going to get any better with your mom, it’s going to get worse.
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I am so sorry that you and your father have endured her irrational behavior. It’s a shame that your father has not been able to set boundaries for her to follow. He certainly deserves respect from her.

I don’t think you should be concerned about becoming like her though. You clearly see how disturbing her behavior is and how destructive it is.

I feel it has effected you to be the exact opposite of your mom. You are the strong one.

You are not following her example. You have broken the cycle she started. Good for you!
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Clearly, your mother has some form of mental illness if this has been going on long term in her life. If it’s only begun as she’s aged then it may be some form of dementia. But either way, if your father isn’t willing to acknowledge it and attempt to get her to a doctor for help, then there’s little you can do. She doesn’t seem to respect your thoughts and opinions so I doubt she’ll cooperate with you. It doesn’t sound like she’s capable of being the mother you want or need. Keep your distance, don’t get into arguments that won’t help anyway, and plan to move away from it all as soon as possible. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
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