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Your parent loses the environment she has lived in for X number of years, possibly her whole life. She loses touch with the friends she has made there. She loses her personal physicians and other health-care givers. She loses the stores she usually shops at and the clerks who know her. She can no longer drive to places she needs, such as a pharmacy, because she has no idea where it is. Thank God for GPS, but it's not the same thing.


There has to be a very good reason to force this upon her. It may be more convenient for the children to see her or to take care of her financial needs, but look at the trade.


Are you very sure you want to force this upon your parent?

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If my loved one was a danger to themselves or others and couldn't adequately care for themselves, then the situation would "force" my parent(s) to move somewhere that could accommodate their needs. If it comes to that stage, they have already lost their independence and the goal would be to keep them (and others) safe. If that meant AL or Memory Care, so be it. It is better than sitting back thinking their life can continue the way it was when they were younger and waiting for a disaster to happen, because it will.

If they need to go into some type of facility, it is no one's fault, and no one should feel any guilt. Old age has taken away their independence, not me. Of course, I would look for somewhere that was both convenient and suited their needs. Convenience for me, the caregiver, is important as I have other obligations and want to ensure I have balance in my life.

I wouldn't "force" this on my parent, the situation would force it as the alternatives are either not an option or are dangerous to their safety.
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This sounds like an awfully judgmental post. Some people have no other choice than to place their loved one in a LTC facility, whether if it's for safety reasons, financial reasons, or a million other reasons. Not everyone can be a caregiver for a variety of reasons and no one should be judged and looked upon negatively for having to make a hard choice such as this. Not everyone can afford to care for their loved one at home or hire 24/7 care, which is outrageous. Some of us are still raising children and caring for an elderly parent at the same time - my child's needs trump my parent's, sorry not sorry. Your post doesn't take into consideration all of the nuances people face when caring for an elderly loved one, it is not so black and white as you are trying to make it out to be.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2023
This sometimes happens on AC.
People make decisions for themselves and then want to make them for the rest of the world. I think there are a few subjects that just play into this. In-facility care is one, hospice is another. And the nice thing about it is that it gives others a chance to weigh in on their polar opposite views; it gives a sort of balance ultimately.

I was an RN and I just loved it. I always say I could be so compassionate working with (mostly) elders 12 hours a day three days a week. But it taught me my human limitations fast.
I had the best Mom and Dad and the best bro in the world, but I never in a million years would have been capable of doing in home care. Simply not in me. Those who can have my nomination for Sainthood, no questions, but we also do see many people come to forum feeling really broken after attempting this and failing.
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That is a fact of life, change and loss as we age is inevitable, and we are all living too long being kept alive by artificial means.

Force is a strong word, necessity may be a better word to use, no where is it written that we caregivers must give up our lives for a parent, we do the best we can.

We had to move our step-mother to a new MC to make her money stretch, so she would have more years as self pay. There is no way that my brother or I could or would care for her in our homes.
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Nelle - If we should live so long it comes to all of us. Either we continue in our old life where we are less and less able to cope and need more and more help which burdens others - or - we make some changes which usually involve moving to a place where our ever increasing needs can be met more easily and without such inconveniencing of others.

Those changes are often very big and as Alva says are losses. Absolutely!

I have made the choice to move from my community of 40+ years and family home to a smaller more convenient place - a seniors condo - in a location nearer to various resources. My daughter breathed a sigh of relief when I made that decision as she knew it was for the best. I hope when the time comes for the move to a facility, should I live that long, I will make that sensible decision myself. If not, others will make it for me.

The only thing that forces this upon us is life - the inevitable decline as we age.

It isn't easy, and there is sadness as we review the losses and have to process all the changes.

I didn't force anything on my parent. My mother made the initial decision to go into a facility as she found it harder and harder to cope with daily life. With family, she reviewed a number of them and chose which one she wanted. She had accepted that she needed more help. After some time, the medical system made the decisions (with her input) as to which facility was most suitable for her.

I wish you and your family all the best in any changes you are facing.
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NelleHtur Apr 2023
If we should live so long, but most of us are living longer now. The average age in any kind of facility is going up.
I know it's better to move when you're young enough to make new friends and find your own medical providers, but its a terrible cost to your lifestyle.
I may have to do this soon, to be closer to a kid, who can help us navigate everything including my smart phone, but I want to crawl into a corner and cry every time I think about it.
I don't think there is a good answer, other than the multigeneral homes families used to have.
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I think you are so RIGHT in all the losses you observe.
Our elders (and now I AM one) have loss upon loss upon loss. It is hard to see, and our hearts go out to them. They/we suffer and we/you stand witness to the suffering of ones we love.

And no, none of us are certain. That is why we have to count on our rational mind to take into account what our hearts will wish to deny.
And in THAT we need the counsel and the help of our physicians and good assessments by the neuro/neuro-psyc community to let us know when we must consider that our parents/loved ones (or indeed we, ourselves) are no longer SAFE alone.

For my own brother, it was his decision. He and I talked and talked about it considering and weighing every aspect. He had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's. We knew what was already there and what was coming. He wanted to remain in his last beloved little home as long as he could. I, not living in his area of our state, not able to "be there" couldn't help hands on a lot wanted not to have to make this decision for him. He made the right decision. A hard one. And we stayed cognizant of all the losses, discussed them.

You are right. This is hard stuff. But it must be addressed so well as we are all able. My best wishes out to you for bringing this discussion forward.
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All of our lives we/things are constantly changing(that will never stop)regardless of age, and it's up to us as to how we want to deal with it.
Some of us fight change with all we have and get depressed and anxious, and some of us slowly come around to accepting it, and some of us actually embrace change and do everything in our power to make the best of things and even find joy in our "new normal."
The choice is yours.
I hope and pray that you will opt for the third option of embracing and finding joy along the way, as life is too short and precious to waste time on what you may be losing. Instead try and focus on all the many good things you'll be gaining.
God bless you.
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