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My heart is hurting over this, although I know she needs more care. She has been getting lost and showing more decline with her dementia.

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Glad to know there are good days and more to come.
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Reply to anonymous775364
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I know there will be bad days, very very bad days.
I am taking one day at a time.
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Reply to Bella7
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You really should not spend so much time there as she will soon probably be guilting & begging you to take her “home!” & then that is probably what you’ll do to give in ...& then she’ll start abusing you...so if you don’t want this scenario, just let her adjust to her new environment! Hugs 🤗
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Thank you , I appreciate all the advice.
Today was Moms first day in LTC. It went very well. Staff moved her last treasures/clothes over to her new room while her and I ate lunch and met new “friends”. I let them decorate her room etc., they seemed to enjoy it! In the afternoon she watched the staff make zucchini bread 😊.
Tonight I called and she is tucked in watching TV with her bed bound, 90 something roommate! I miss her tremendously, my heart aches big. ..and also know she’s safe and in the right environment. She’s thriving already! Seems too good to be true so far. I realize there will be down days but today, I feel thankful and blessed.
Passed through the IL area moving some of her things and some ol’ snooty woman said, “shall we ask her what’s going on or ignore her?” Grr, sooo glad moms not living amongst “them” anymore!!
The Momma Bear in me gets fierce when my moms messed with.
Thanks friends!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 3, 2020
Sounds like your mom will settle in nicely. Happy to hear it and I am glad that you will have peace of mind about your mom. I am happy that she had met nice people that welcomed her to her new living arrangements. Is the facility a lot further away from your house?

There are snooty people of all ages, young and old. A shame, isn’t it? You’d think that older people would have outgrown that type of behavior but some don’t. I am glad that your mom won’t be near her anymore either.

Of course, don’t kid yourself, I am sure her new facility has people with issues too. Not everyone is nice. Sad, but true. We can ignore them though.

Rude or unkind people aren’t worth our time or effort. Close minded people aren’t interested in admitting they are wrong or apologizing to anyone. That was a rude comment to say for you and your mom to hear.

She is probably someone who has to put others down to build herself up and feels a need to butt in other’s business.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Saying this with love for you and with experience- the things that are breaking your heart in two are not bothering her in the same way or intensity that they are bothering you.

You cannot change the fact that her life has been disrupted and damaged by her disease, and you have done all of the right things, learned all that you could, and done your best to soften the blows that you were able to anticipate.

You may now be experiencing “the honeymoon” but if things go terribly bad within the next few weeks, bolster yourself by thinking about how much you love her, and how beneficial her new life can be FOR HER, and move through it. It will change before too long, and may be for the better, but if not you know that she will be safe and cared for.
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My mom is 89 and has early stage dementia. She still knows me and my 2 brothers. She knows that my dad is in heaven and same with her parents. Really her mom. Not sure about her dad. I won't lie to her ever. When we had to move her from her apartment that she was living in to somewhere, because of her wanderings, 3 times, I told her why and asked her if she knew why she had to move and she said because you want me to move. I didn't go any further with it. We had no choice but to put her somewhere close to us. It was a memory care unit with assisted living attached to it. When we found out that her long term care insurance wouldn't pay for where she is, my brother and I had to move her to a place that would. We checked 3 places and I liked the place,where she is now, that focuses only on memory care. Dementia, alzheimers,etc. She seems to like it. There are people there that she can talk to when she wants to.
Mom doesn't have a roommate because she has been living on her own for more than 20 years.
Don't feel bad about your mom. It's all for the best. She will do fine. Continue to love her and tell her that you are very proud of her. She will hopefully like to hear that. My mom does.
My brother is her financial poa and we have been working together to get her to the place where she should be. More people have come to visit her than where she was before. I feel that she is doing okay. But the people that work there know better than we do. As long as she isn't hitting anyone or causing any major issues, we are happy.
Not sure if I missed it but how old is your mom?
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Bella7 Mar 3, 2020
She will be 83 in April.
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Praise God it worked 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾♥️♥️♥️♥️
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Thank you to all who have replied!
Since my post I have taken my mom on a “tour” of her new “home” ( it sickens me to think of this as her new home, but I know it’s what she needs and it’s best for her) 😢. She actually loved everything about it! Is this the dementia?
When we got back to her room at independent living (same building), she kept talking about how nice it was over there, so I felt that kind a opened the door for me to ask her how she felt about living there. I always get so confused when I ask her a serious question because I don’t know if she’s getting it or not or if she’s telling me what I want to hear...it’s so confusing! She said she think she would like to live there and that it’s more relaxing.
She know she’s not like the “others “ in IL. She feels paranoid in the dining room and would rather stay in her room to eat, she knows she’s got something wrong. Does not want to participate in any activities. It makes me so sad because she tries to keep up with the other woman and just can’t. After she eats she gets lost getting back to her room on the third floor. Some of the women look at her like she’s a misfit 🙁. I am there a lot and observe this. I do feel really fortunate and blessed that she responded like she did and hope that mindset stays when the move happens in a few days. I am being very careful with my emotions around her and never show how I really feel.
The last place where she lived, (AL, private pay) she felt more comfortable going to MC floor and participating there every day (meals and activities). MC there did not accept Medicaid.
This January I moved her to this new place (IL, private pay) because I knew sooner or later she would need to transition to LTC or MC which does take She’s really been struggling with IL. My husband has been so kind throughout all this and agreed to do private pay for her. Plus I was able to get outside help to come in and I’ve been there a lot.
So the time has come to do what’s best for mom, again! I do know moves are hard on them, it has been a tough last year!!
My next question is, is there a difference between SNF and LTC? I asked why is she not getting placed in MC and they because she’s not bad enough for that yet, mainly because she’s not wandering.
I’m a little concerned because the last place MC seems like they had more people like her than what I seen in the nursing home side where she’s going.

Ugggh, I hate dementia!!
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She may not be too alarmed if her dementia has progressed. Prayers sent
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Bella7 Mar 3, 2020
Thank you 😊🙏🏻 me too
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If her dementia is advanced, she may not remember being told. A minimal amount the day before and the day of the
move would be enough. She may be easily overwhelmed and anxious with too much information.
Dr. Gross
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Bella7 Mar 3, 2020
Agree! I have to remember every time to zip it and only say as little as possible.
I really miss how much my mom and I used to talk.
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Bella, I'm not sure of your care situation but is it at all possible to delay moving her for 2 weeks until the coronavirus plays out more fully? She will probably be at higher risk in the SNF (probably, but not definitely). I don't want to add to your burden and you can only do what works for you...just something to consider in these unusual times.
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Bella7 Mar 3, 2020
Yes, thank you, thought of that, and they tell me the flu has moved out for now, wasn’t the coronavirus I guess!?!?
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How much we’ll tell parents with dementia about future plans depends on the level of dementia. I suspect in your case mom doesn’t retain much so it’s probably of little use to go through the battle over and over.

I had a mom with slight dementia, who had some short term memory. With her it was THIS IS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER. My dad had deeper dementia, no short term memory, with dad it was YOU NEED TO STAY HERE AND HELP MOM. And then variations on those themes as they raised hell and were confused. Good times........

With dad I could keep diverting him fairly well by fibbing, mom I had to finally have the come to Jesus talk.....You can’t live at home, like it our not I have to make the decisions now to keep you guys safe etc. Good times......

Good luck to you.
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Bella7 Mar 3, 2020
Yes, I hear you on that! I get so exhausted going from one day to the next on how to fib to my mom!
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Most people do well. I know of people who have trouble adjusting to new roommates, but those folks are usually ones who used to share with a spouse... and the spouse has passed.

Be truthful and kind. I would say, "You need a little more help and probably some company. This move should help with both."
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One thing that really helped ease my Mom's move from AL to SNF was an increase in frequency and length of my visits. Getting to know the staff as much as possible, her roommate was very helpful for me to assist in creating a more homelike, less sterile environment and to act as the "glue" for Mom, introducing her to staff, other residents and bringing some lightness to what can be a stark change in environment and subsequent mood.
I know this sounds like an increase in your time and energy expenditure but honestly, it gave me more peace of mind when I left and I do feel she received a bit better care having built relationships with the staff. Hope this is somewhat helpful. Also, as said above be sure to label everything w/her name, take NOTHING of value or that you would not miss if lost and do a sweep for all essential items (toothbrush, etc.) each time you visit to be sure things are where she needs them. Prayers to you.
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Reply to LoveourMamas
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When my Mom was moved to a memory care home she did not even recognize that she had a room mate. However when ever she did fuss or question things, and now my husband does the same, I say "The Doctor said (or) advised this".
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Reply to Marylepete
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I have no help to offer, but a question: why a SNF and not memory care? Should my dad pass first, my mother will no longer be able to manage in AL, so we have her on wait lists for 2 MC facilities where she will be able to have a private room. She has no medical issues that would require skilled nursing.
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Reply to Judysai422
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As to the emotional aspects, all you can do is pray, discuss with head of nursing, and monitor it.  

You can help you mom with practical aspects.  She should take nothing of value with her.  You should see what drawers, storage she gets.  Make certain all of her stuff is labeled - but it will still disappear.   Other residents may not understand not to take things, and other issues.
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I was very concerned about my mom's move from assisted to SNF, but she didn't even notice. I was sad for her, but it was a blessing for me.
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Has anyone experienced having a family member move to a semiprivate room after having been in a private one for several years? What were the biggest problems/rewards?
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I hate dementia too. Big time. I will be in the same boat if my 93 y/o mother is still alive next January. I will have to apply for Medicaid to place her in a SNF at that time, and she will have a roommate as well. And.........she really dislikes women in general. Sigh.

God help us all, huh? I have no great words of wisdom for you here besides what TNTechie had to say. There's no 'easy' way to make a change here, let's face it. Hopefully, she will get a great roommate & they'll become fast friends........think of it that way. I'm sure she will adjust in time. Human beings have a way of doing just that. Good luck!
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Bella7 Feb 26, 2020
Thank you lealonnie1!
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Thank you for your response, I agree with everything you said. My parents are divorced, they used to live at the same AL but I moved mom to a new place last year. I do know this move is going to be harder on me so I will be working on that with positive thoughts.

Wondering how others parents adjusted to moving in with a roommate ? It’s hard because some days she’s like my old mom with no memory issues.

I hate dementia
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hickoryhunt Mar 2, 2020
My mom did poorly with roommates- Mary, who was further along in her dementia, told Mom to get out of “her house” multiple times per day. Joan slept in the nude and thus used the shared bath that way. Both disturbed Mom greatly. By the time (3 months) we got her a private room she was extremely distraught and never seemed to recover from the experience. No way to tell if it would have been different had she had her own room from the beginning, but I know what you mean about your heart hurting.
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Bella, I notice your profile states both your parents are in AL. Are they living together now? If so, have you considered moving both to SNF together?

I recommend waiting until the day before or the day of the move to tell your mother so she doesn't have too much time to fret about the change. The unknown is more worrisome than the actual change in most cases. Try to not telegraph your feelings. It's possible you are more upset over this move than she will be. If you treat it like a positive, she may too. Explain she is moving because she needs more care. Try to have her side of the room decorated with some of her things when she arrives and ask her if there's anything she would like moved over from the AL. If your parents have been together in the AL, assuring her how she will still see her husband will probably be her biggest concern.
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