First off you do deserve credit, tons and tons of credit, but that doesn't mean its teh best thing to do. I have to agree with pamstegma on this one. Think long and hard, then think again and again before you do this. We all start off with the best of intentions and with lots of love. I burnt out and could no longer cope. The guilt at having to admit that almost destroyed me. My mum has been in assisted living now for 9 months and hasn't lived here with me for almost 12 months, but I'm nowhere near back to being myself. Mum, on the other hand is having a wonderful time. Caring for an elder, let alone one who may have dementia, is nothing like caring for a child. You can look after your mother in many ways other than by sacrificing your life and that is what can happen. It is of course your decision, but please think long and hard.
Scottdenny, for a start off mum is not in a nursing home and I didn't say she was. I don't want to get into an argument, but I am an only child, no siblings, cousins, no one came and helped. Mum was here with me for 8 years, not 8 minutes or 8 weeks. Yes, I gave up my holidays, not the odd one, all of them, weekends, days out, afternoons out, evenings out. I gave up my job. I lost touch with friends (they get kind of fed up at always being let down). And I gave up my sleep. I did everything for her, until it broke me. You are obviously made of sterner stuff than me, lucky you
So here's the thing. Your profile says that your mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. These are progressive diseases. Your mom will deteriorate over time and need more and more hand's on care. She will need medical attention. She will need to be seen by psychiatry, neurology, dermatology, internist, have blood work done, dentist, hair appointments and on and on. Living at home, each one of those requires that she be bathed, dressed, diapered, cajoled into the car, gotten into the doctor's office, toileted in the office, gotten back home again.
At home, she will need stimulation beyond television; she needs human interaction.
Eventually, she may become incontinent and bedbound. Are you young enough and strong enough to reposition her every two hours? Are you able to go without a whole night's sleep often?
I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm saying that I've seen it done and it often kills the caregiver.
And no Scott, it AIN'T like taking care of babies. Babies get toilet trained.
I moved my mom in 2 1/2 years ago. She has dementia which is now progressing rapidly and it is destroying my family. Unless you have a great support system in place or tons of money to spend on respite care be prepared to have no life. Most days I can't get my mom to get out of bed. She uses a potty chair in her room so soon the incontenece will come I wait until someone can spare a minute to sit with her so I can go to the grocery store. You will give up your free time your personal relationships your outside hobbies. It is not like caring for a child A child grows into caring for them selves this is caring for a child who grows backwards
It's very, very difficult and will change you physically and emotionally. I know in the end I won't be sorry I brought mom into my home to care for her, but I wish when dad was alive that they'd moved themselves into a progressive place (independent living, assisted living, then the memory care for mom). My hope is frankly that mom won't go on another 10 years this way, which is possible since she's fine physically. I'm with Pam. I think I read that something like 40% of caregivers doing this die before the one getting the care (?)
There is a lot to think about, don't make any rash decisions. Educate yourself on the disease and take advantage of the resources out there. There is a lot to consider. Are you alone, will you have help? Are their resources near you such as Adult Day Care, home health care etc. Do you work?
What I miss the most is my freedom. For all those people out there who say we have to take care of our parents because they took care of us. That is the most ignorant statement. Each situation is different. Taking care of someone doesn't necessarily mean YOU have to do it; its finding out what is best for your parent. You still have taken care of them if you place them in a proper facility. A friend of mine - her father was just committed (against her mother's will) because he was becoming violent. This disease changes people, they lose their mind. As the disease progresses, they can't be left alone. What if you become ill or hospitalized (which happened to me); than what?
What worked for me:
My mom has lived with me 1.5 years; she is 92 has Alzheimer's and has recently been diagnosed with stage 3 bladder cancer. Currently she attends an adult day program for people with dementia and she really enjoys going. This organization provides a strong support system for families that has been invaluable. I do not know what I would do without them. But there are the days she doesn't want to go, so I miss work again; or I don't go to that Christmas party because she refuses to let home health care come in and tells me she is going to get on the bus and go home. Every day is a new day. You will never know how they will behave.
I also researched many assisted living facilities, have picked one out and she is on the waiting list. This is a very time consuming process and I would recommend it - because when the time comes when you no longer want to or can care for her - you already have a plan in place.
Being a caregiver effects your job, your personal life, your marriage and you become emotionally and physically exhausted. Your life ends and everything you do is surrounded around the person with dementia. If you are in it, you are in it for the long haul.
As soon as there is an opening, I am placing her. She has been on the waiting list since January; they expect an opening in September. I love my mom, I have cared for her, but I am done. It is not my fault that she didn't plan for the future. She is now beginning to wander, she wets her pants, the area of the house where she stays smells. She has ruined my carpet.
Her condition in only going to worsen and I am not turning my home into a hospice center. I wish you the best. If she can afford assisted living, that is what I would recommend. One that specializes in dementia care. Talk to other caregivers in your area and see what works for them.
That is daunting statistic.......40% , and I don't doubt it. I was confined to the house for a year and a half. People asked what they could do to help. All I wanted were lots of hugs and someone to talk to. But people avoid you so they don't have to help. Even your children stay away. They are afraid they might have to step up and take care of their beloved mother or father. They really have no conscience. I am very bitter about his daughters, three of them that don't even visit or send a card. Not even when I asked them to just send a picture on his 80th birthday. He loves to see their pictures. I am not sure if he remembers because he doesn't make any sense. But the other day when I was there I showed him a picture of his grandchildren and asked if he remember them. He said, "Yes I do. Do you think I am........garbled language?" I think maybe he was going to say dumb or stupid. It is extremely difficult to visit because I hate to see him and think about what he once was. He was a magnificent man with a brilliant mind and I am sure all the other men in the Veteran's home were too. I imagine them as important people, commander of a ship or maybe a general, or a business owner, CEO. It is just so sad that they all just waste away. He has been in the home for over 9 months now, and I am just beginning to get my life back. I am back in church, volunteering to help in a soup kitchen, attending as many free concerts as possible, watching an occasional movie by myself or with a friend. I try to go out to lunch as much as possible when ever a friend offers to go along. But I still feel guilty for leaving him in the home. When I go he always has a smile on his face. I don't think he know who I am although he seems to recognize me. He doesn't know my name or what a wife is. But he knows that I am the one who comes to see him and is kind to him and loves him. I tell him as much as possible. Mostly we just sit and hold hands because he can't carry on a conversation. I miss the man I loved for 40 years. I am not sorry I kept him at home for as long as I could. I love him.
I'm not sure that caregiving is something one can just "try to see if it works" because the move itself is so difficult for frail parents. If it ends up not working, you will be back in this position and a second move would be much, much more difficult on both of you. I think you need to make every effort to get it right the first time.
Now is the time for objectivity. There are geriatric nurse practitioners who make house calls to help families in your situation. Find a hospital that has a geriatrics service and find out what in-home evaluations they offer.
You also need to be objective about your own home. Do you have a bathroom that is ADA compliant? Will a wheelchair or transfer chair fit? Will a shower chair fit? Will rails next to the toilet fit? Is your toilet high enough?
You also need to think about your car because it will be the vehicle that provides her with transportation to and from doctors appointments. Will it fit a folded wheelchair or transfer chair? Can your mother get in and out of it? Imagine the process it will take to get your mother in and out of your car multiple times in one day. Where will you load her in? Do you have a garage or carport that is spacious enough to execute the transfer safely? If you don't, will you have to get her in and out of the car in the rain, snow, or blazing sun?
Errands. How are you going to get your grocery shopping done so that you can feed your mother three square meals a day? She will need a proper diet - perhaps even a special diet - and you need to think about whether or not you can provide over 1,000 meals a year.
Her personal hygiene. Read up on urinary tract infections. Aside from whatever ailments your mother already has, preventing UTIs is very important. Proper toileting is essential.
Laundry. Are you prepared to deal with all the laundry your mother will create? If you're lucky, it's just pee on the sheets. But when it's poop, it's a biohazard and you will have to learn how to properly handle contaminated laundry so that you don't contaminate your washer with human feces. If your mother becomes fecal incontinent, you will need to get a pail for soaking sheets, clothes, towels before you can wash them. That takes a lot of extra time but if you don't do it, you and your mother could become very sick.
Entertainment. In addition to doing all of the work for your mother you will also need to provide her with mental stimulation every day.
Exercise. Your mother will need physical activity in short doses every single day. Whether it's two or three short walks after every meal or physical therapy type exercises, she will need exercise every single day or her body will break down quickly, which will increase her risk of getting bedsores.
Are you the caregiving type? Are you a parent yourself? Will you work/job suffer? Be honest with yourself now and it will save both you and your mom much heartache later.
I have to agree with pamstegma on this one. Think long and hard, then think again and again before you do this. We all start off with the best of intentions and with lots of love.
I burnt out and could no longer cope. The guilt at having to admit that almost destroyed me. My mum has been in assisted living now for 9 months and hasn't lived here with me for almost 12 months, but I'm nowhere near back to being myself. Mum, on the other hand is having a wonderful time.
Caring for an elder, let alone one who may have dementia, is nothing like caring for a child. You can look after your mother in many ways other than by sacrificing your life and that is what can happen.
It is of course your decision, but please think long and hard.
I don't want to get into an argument, but I am an only child, no siblings, cousins, no one came and helped. Mum was here with me for 8 years, not 8 minutes or 8 weeks.
Yes, I gave up my holidays, not the odd one, all of them, weekends, days out, afternoons out, evenings out. I gave up my job. I lost touch with friends (they get kind of fed up at always being let down). And I gave up my sleep. I did everything for her, until it broke me.
You are obviously made of sterner stuff than me, lucky you
At home, she will need stimulation beyond television; she needs human interaction.
Eventually, she may become incontinent and bedbound. Are you young enough and strong enough to reposition her every two hours? Are you able to go without a whole night's sleep often?
I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm saying that I've seen it done and it often kills the caregiver.
And no Scott, it AIN'T like taking care of babies. Babies get toilet trained.
What I miss the most is my freedom. For all those people out there who say we have to take care of our parents because they took care of us. That is the most ignorant statement. Each situation is different. Taking care of someone doesn't necessarily mean YOU have to do it; its finding out what is best for your parent. You still have taken care of them if you place them in a proper facility. A friend of mine - her father was just committed (against her mother's will) because he was becoming violent. This disease changes people, they lose their mind. As the disease progresses, they can't be left alone. What if you become ill or hospitalized (which happened to me); than what?
What worked for me:
My mom has lived with me 1.5 years; she is 92 has Alzheimer's and has recently been diagnosed with stage 3 bladder cancer. Currently she attends an adult day program for people with dementia and she really enjoys going. This organization provides a strong support system for families that has been invaluable. I do not know what I would do without them. But there are the days she doesn't want to go, so I miss work again; or I don't go to that Christmas party because she refuses to let home health care come in and tells me she is going to get on the bus and go home. Every day is a new day. You will never know how they will behave.
I also researched many assisted living facilities, have picked one out and she is on the waiting list. This is a very time consuming process and I would recommend it - because when the time comes when you no longer want to or can care for her - you already have a plan in place.
Being a caregiver effects your job, your personal life, your marriage and you become emotionally and physically exhausted. Your life ends and everything you do is surrounded around the person with dementia. If you are in it, you are in it for the long haul.
As soon as there is an opening, I am placing her. She has been on the waiting list since January; they expect an opening in September. I love my mom, I have cared for her, but I am done. It is not my fault that she didn't plan for the future. She is now beginning to wander, she wets her pants, the area of the house where she stays smells. She has ruined my carpet.
Her condition in only going to worsen and I am not turning my home into a hospice center. I wish you the best. If she can afford assisted living, that is what I would recommend. One that specializes in dementia care. Talk to other caregivers in your area and see what works for them.
Good Luck!
Now is the time for objectivity. There are geriatric nurse practitioners who make house calls to help families in your situation. Find a hospital that has a geriatrics service and find out what in-home evaluations they offer.
You also need to be objective about your own home. Do you have a bathroom that is ADA compliant? Will a wheelchair or transfer chair fit? Will a shower chair fit? Will rails next to the toilet fit? Is your toilet high enough?
You also need to think about your car because it will be the vehicle that provides her with transportation to and from doctors appointments. Will it fit a folded wheelchair or transfer chair? Can your mother get in and out of it? Imagine the process it will take to get your mother in and out of your car multiple times in one day. Where will you load her in? Do you have a garage or carport that is spacious enough to execute the transfer safely? If you don't, will you have to get her in and out of the car in the rain, snow, or blazing sun?
Errands. How are you going to get your grocery shopping done so that you can feed your mother three square meals a day? She will need a proper diet - perhaps even a special diet - and you need to think about whether or not you can provide over 1,000 meals a year.
Her personal hygiene. Read up on urinary tract infections. Aside from whatever ailments your mother already has, preventing UTIs is very important. Proper toileting is essential.
Laundry. Are you prepared to deal with all the laundry your mother will create? If you're lucky, it's just pee on the sheets. But when it's poop, it's a biohazard and you will have to learn how to properly handle contaminated laundry so that you don't contaminate your washer with human feces. If your mother becomes fecal incontinent, you will need to get a pail for soaking sheets, clothes, towels before you can wash them. That takes a lot of extra time but if you don't do it, you and your mother could become very sick.
Entertainment. In addition to doing all of the work for your mother you will also need to provide her with mental stimulation every day.
Exercise. Your mother will need physical activity in short doses every single day. Whether it's two or three short walks after every meal or physical therapy type exercises, she will need exercise every single day or her body will break down quickly, which will increase her risk of getting bedsores.
Are you the caregiving type? Are you a parent yourself? Will you work/job suffer? Be honest with yourself now and it will save both you and your mom much heartache later.
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