Input for moving in with elder loved one in his home?

I moved in with Mom 10 years ago next month, after Dad died. She’s 95, has dementia, I love her and I'm happy to be able to help her stay in her own home. However, my advice to anyone contemplating this sort of service is DON’T DO IT. I’m on my own, no family in town, and can't imagine trying to maintain a relationship with a husband and child in the process. The experience is a challenge not only in terms of energy but also sanity.

Yes, the others in your household would be a help in coping with the extra workload. But will one of them be there at all times? When he's well, how strong is your FIL? Worst case scenario, would he be able to overcome you physically?

This is a perfect opportunity to find a place for him where his physical therapy can be managed and he can stay long-term. Just visiting with him and doing his errands will strain your schedule.

In my mother's case, we didn't have many options. Her financial and mental health limitations (even before the dementia) made my staying with her the only alternative I could live with and I don't regret this decision. However, if you have other choices, grab one and hold on for dear life. Blessings to you and your family in this transition.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to prevent your father-in-law from falling except to remove any possible trip-hazards (such as rugs, coffee tables, dog toys). If he is unstable, maybe consider getting him a walker or cane? But I would suggest you get an alert necklace or bracelet so that he can call for help if he were to fall. You talk like you may move in with him. Only you will know what is best in your family's situation, but understand that the dynamics change tremendously as a caregiver when you reside with the individual. And sometimes for the worse. Good luck!!

One word; DON'T. I would advise that you not move in with dad short term or long term; as vw9729 states; his situation will only worsen over time. You can take vw's suggestions as short term aids (making the house less dangerous to trips, falls, etc.) and have monitoring devices in place but his care needs will likely escalate and become more demanding and worrisome for you and your family. Consider hiring in-home care for a few hours during the day and at night if he can afford; or live-in caregiver. Not inexpensive by any means but your dad can at least remain in the home safely.

Time to have a discussion with dad about long term solutions and reality that with you both working full time; having children to chaffeur to events, etc. it is not practical to be full time caregivers nor do you feel you are skilled in the caregiving needs he will have in the future. Ask if he will at least consider moving to AL where he can have his privacy, remain relatively independent, but will have other advantages of activities, socialization, prepared meals, cleaning, and emergency access should he slip or need help when no one is around (realistically this still happens even in AL, NH or other).

Hopefully he will trust your advice. Good luck and wishes to you for peace of mind.

I concur. DON'T DO IT. What starts out as care and concern can only go one way - and that it SOUTH. It is reality. At age 94 he needs to get on a list to assisted living or a NH. Sorry, but we have 'been there - done that' - I have been the caregiver for my MIL for 8 - going on 9 years. It started out well and as things deteriorated with her health - so did the care-giving relationship. My answer to your question is still NO. Follow vw's advice and follow that with getting on some lists.................... asap

That depends, does your father have income that could replace yours? I moved in with my mother, as her caregiver. Her income from Social Security and her pension paid for all the expenses of the home. I did not need to work. Have you asked your father if he wanted to move into assisted living? He does have a say in this, if he doesn't have dementia. Way too many people are too quick to put seniors into assisted living, not knowing what really happens there. My mother was in assisted living and lost many things to the staff.

Something to put things in perspective. Since your husband works 2 to 10 pm, and your FIL is 94, he'll be sleeping much of the time anyway.

Since rehab wasn't available (is there only one facility ear you??) you might qualify for at home physical and occupational therapy. That would provide additional coverage in the short run and assist your FIL with recovery.

My mother had dementia, she moved in with me. I was her caregiver for 7 years, she passed away Aug 1st. I would give almost anything to have her back. The last 7 years, of caring for her, were the best 7 years of my life. It was very rewarding.

As far as his meds and vitamins, get liquid vitamins and add them to his food. Find out from the doctor, if you can grind up the meds and put them also in his food, separate from the vitamins. Sleep his life away? He's 94. My mother was 88, and I let her sleep whenever she wanted to. If he's sleeping, he's not a bother to you or anyone else. Let him sleep.

God bless you John, you must be an awfully sweet, patient man. I sure love my mom, but in truth, so far, this has been the worst couple years of my life in so many ways thus far. I am working on it believe me.