Not sure if this just a vent or a plea for help.
Some background, I will try to keep it short. *warning* I failed to keep it short!
My step-MIL lives with us and I am her primary caregiver. We bought a retirement home in NV about the same time she moved into our WA home (about 2 years ago). Our plans for moving to NV have been pushed up, so we have been packing and preparing to fly out on Friday.
She is doing everything in her power to stop this move ie: says she can't walk, making herself sick, stopped eating...... I have taken her to her Dr. and all say she is fine. I am at my whits end with the stress of the move, packing, arranging for pets to move, I don't know what to do or tell her any longer.
We (my husband & I) are the only "family" willing to care for her. She is 92, almost totally blind but until the last 2 weeks got around ok. No dementia, ate well etc, so isn't in need of NH care.
She has 2 choices, get on the plane and move to NV with us or go into a nursing home. She needs full time care with dressing, cooking, laundry, toileting, all areas of daily living. I quit working when she moved in and have been providing all her care except the 2 hours in the morning a caregiver comes in to help bath and dress her. She has LTC insurance that covers that expense.
How can I help make this transition easier for all of us? I have set up her suite in NV to be as close to the one she has here, have packed and made room for all the things she thinks are necessary, have tried to accommodate and be sensitive to her anxiety, but I am about to loose it!
She is mad/upset about her son (not my husband) not caring that we are moving her out of state. He see her maybe once per year if I call daily to harass him, never calls her unless he needs $$$ and has told me "I hate her" .
Her granddaughter has told her she would move her to the city she lives in, but that she would have to live in a nursing home as granddaughter is unwilling to care for her in her home.
*end vent*
Thank you
Annette
Your stress levels must be off the chart.
But the good thing is, so must hers. Which means this could be a passing crisis, at fever pitch just now because of the upheaval.
You've made all the arrangements, you've got it all set up, all you have to do now is get through this week and get to your new home. Meanwhile it is going to be hell, hell, hell - but that's moving. The late Jack Rosenthal wrote a very good play about this, the name of which will come back to me any second… or not… based on the seven deadly sins. Bamber, the main character, has a refrain that goes "the thing about moving is it's upsetting. People get upset." He then warms to his theme but this isn't really the time for that.
Screw the absentee son. Nice idea re grandchild but neither here nor there just at the moment. The important thing is that you and your husband have made a good plan for yourselves, which also tidily accommodates your step-MIL. See it through, if necessary with the aid of duct tape, rope and a hip flask (I draw the line at chloroform); get to your new home; give her a defined period in which to calm down and settle; then see where you are. If she's still keening and creating, NH it is. But I'm betting she won't be.
In a nutshell, I'm not surprised you're fit to be tied, anybody would be. But you're very nearly there. Grit your teeth. All will be well.
But I would be ready to move her into a NH if she continues to be such a pain in the neck. If she understands that she has two options - NH in NV or at home in NV with you, she might settle down. Hang in there, you'll be moved shortly!
She has never been a nice person, so this isn't a personality change for her. She has just stepped up the resistance. She will go to a NH in NV if she continues to decline. I can not monitor her care long distance nor can I afford to fly up here every time she calls me.
I would forever worry about her if I left her here. Her Dr assures me that her health is fine and that she is ok to move. How do you just walk away from someone????
If there is a way to keep her in WA I would do that.