Moved Mom to respite care and she is constantly crying. How do I deal with this?

I would stop talking to her. You said it is a great facility with great staff, she is manipulating you. Take the respite and leave her to the professionals.

If she dies it is because it is her time, no other reason.

Dear "sydneybritt87,"

I'm sorry that after all you've done to get this 5 days of respite that your mom is making it difficult for you to make good use of the time apart.

With all the good things you've heard about the facility providing the respite, it's not going to get any better than that so there's nothing you will be able to say or do that will reassure your mom. I think she is trying to punish you in a sense by saying she is dying.

In 2004 when we had in home hospice care for my dad while he was dying. We were given a chance to take advantage of their facility for a 5-day respite. But in our case my dad refused to go (he did not have dementia and was completely lucid). I think he was afraid that if he went, he wouldn't get to come back home. That being said, he still declined and passed away.

So what I'm trying to say is that it's not in our hands or control as to whether they die. If it's their time to leave this earth, they will whether they are staying in a facility while you take a 5-day respite or whether they are taken back home. If you can accept that fact, you won't keep feeling guilt. She can't "will" herself to die just because you put her in a facility for a few days to take care of yourself.

You've been in my thoughts and prayers since I replied to your previous post not too long ago and there you will remain. Please hang in there for your own sake!

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s guilt. But you need a break. No one can go full steam ahead without stopping.

Your mom will be okay. She’s being looked after.

This is respite for you! Stop checking in.

The facility is incredibly nice and people rave about the staff.

You are supposed to be receiving five days' *respite.* Go away! Stop picking up the phone!

If you absolutely must: call your mother once a day for no more than five minutes, just to tell her you love her, that all is well, and that you will see her on [whatever day].

Mom will be just fine. Why are you continuing to talk to her when you're supposed to be on a break from her? That's not how a respite works you know. It's meant to give you a break from the one you're caring for, and from the sounds of it, you are not getting much of a break are you?

So quit answering her calls and go out and have some fun!! Those 5 days are going to go by fast, so you best make the most of them.

I sent my mom to the local nursing home for a week to check out how things would go when I had to be away later in the year, I checked in every day and found so many concerning issues - it was a disaster!! The thing is I still needed those two weeks later in the year and my pre planning did nothing to reassure me, although I was better prepared to understand NH life and what to expect. Bottom line my mom survived her second stay and I was much better off not knowing about the day to day.

If your mom's physical needs are being met then step away, many of the problems we encountered had more to do with my expectations and the inevitable difficulties of mom and staff not knowing each other.
🤗🤗🤗

I would also wonder if she is indeed CONSTANTLY crying, or if it simply starts when you are in contact. That’s the way it is for a lot of children in childcare – performing big time when parents leave or arrive, then playing happily a few minutes later. It’s usually proved by having somewhere in hiding from which the parent can watch after a fake departure. It’s possibly true for you too.

AMEN to all of the above! Try to enjoy your time off..... please?

My mom and I discussed whatvis to happen when she dies. She wants to be donated so people can study her conditions. She even said what she wants played at her memorial service and who is to sing.

When a plane loses cabin pressure, we are supposed to place the oxygen masks over our own nose and mouth before assisting others. Why? If we lose consciousness, we will not be able to assist anyone.

When you were small did your mom put you on “time out” when she needed a break?

If you are too exhausted and strung out to help your mom, nothing good will result. This exhaustion is what brought you to respite care in the first place. Your mom, in a younger and healthier state, would want you to be okay first. (Even if she wouldn’t admit that now, you will be able to do your best if you get a break).

Take a break so you can do your best. She will be very happy to see you when your break is over.

Follow her wishes. If she wants to come home do so. Otherwise you will never forgive your self. I lost my wife of 55 years of marriage because of curbed 19 ( the virus) In Bristol assisted living. I blame myself for not take her out sooner and governor of NY for letting positive patients from hospitals into nursing home infecting over 10,000 seniors and their deaths. I am still grieving. she was my best friend Stay safe

This is a case of shoring up the foundation so the house doesn't collapse. You can't help your mother if you deplete yourself.

Please try to focus on your own needs in the brief respite window you are being offered. Do it for your mother's sake.

Yes, putting someone someplace they don't want to be can make them give up on life.

She can be scared and unhappy being in an unfamiliar place.

You should bring her home and ask family and friends to donate a 4-8 hr shifts ea to cover several days, so you can get a break.

You can also hire a Caregiver for several for the week.

You should have your mom home where she feels loved, safe and happy and hire a Caregiver for a 8 hr or 24 hr shift once or twice a week so you don't get burnt out.

Also, places can be deceiving. They can be beautiful to the eye and of course everyone will be nice to you as they want your business.

When you talked to people who rave about it, are they people who actually lived there or people like you that put a loved one in there?

Big difference.

I wouldn't put my loved one anywhere unless there was a camera installed where I could view what's going on 24 7.

I have a 96 yr old Dad that is living in his own home where he wants to be and fir a year now he's had 24 7 Caregiver Care and I have Cameras installed in his home so I can always see how he's being treated.

sorry for the situation but YOU do have to care for yourself also otherwise you can't take care of anyone or anything else. Your mom sounds like she was just upset about changing out of a routine she was used to, plus she probably thought she was being ignored, being left for good. I am guessing she has some dementia which could also explain the being upset cause it was a change in her routine. I haven't had this situation but my MIL (long passed) would fuss and fume over being placed in a good NH cause she wanted to go home. MY dad had to be placed in same good NH due to my mother no longer being able to care for him. He would fuss about wanting to go home, he did not realize that he was in a NH (he thought still hospital after his fall), and we never told him any different (he had dementia). I kept telling him he would go home once the doctors said it was okay. I think I would just keep telling her that YOU will take her home once you get your rest. That you were not feeling well and when you get better you will bring her back home. NOW.......make sure you are better in all ways before bringing her home.......caregivers need to time to "rejuvenate, regenerate, and get back on track"........wishing you luck.

Chances are, if you refuse to discuss it with her, she will be fine! She won't even give the new place a chance as long as she thinks she can get you to change your mind. It's not a permanent situation, after all. And you would not have heard all the good things about the place if it was really sub-par. Take the respite! It sounds like you need it.

The more important question, though, is how does the facility say she’s doing? That is the true barometer of her stay, not what she’s saying. If you want to check on her, while she’s there, call the nurse’s desk once a day. Your 5 day respite should not include calls to or from her - that’s not really respite, now is it?

I hate to say this but...
Respite is for you to rest, refuel your soul and to have some time for yourself.
I would not call her.
If there is an emergency the facility can call you.
Other family members can call her
YOU need a break not just physically but mentally and you are not getting that if you are constantly going to worry about how she is handling the transition.
Any move will cause this reaction. Like the little kid going to kindergarten, the first week they cry, they don't want to go but they settle in and everything is fine.
you need this time for you.

Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you take care of yourself, else you fall faint and ill and are not good to anyone let alone your mother. Prayers sent

My dad said he was tired of me being tired of dealing with him trying to clean up and change his own diapers in bed, so we got to exploring the respite care and I thought he might just hold on so got to filling out the Medquest forms for Long Term care, but we just needed some common ground like him not to get poop everywhere by trying to change his own diapers, and so I could focus on the important things like not always working cleaning but the important time to talk and keep him company. I think my dad was just running me through the motions (since he couldn't himself being bedridden) so he could finally get it right, even if it meant me spending money here and there for things he didn't need.

I told him that I was NOT going to say "it's ok to let go," NO, but "dad, if you have to go I understand," and he seemed to really appreciate that. And he told me God had told him he was going to be a great teacher in the next life so why he put himself through so much in this one. Things with no context here but mean a lot to me. He asked for a mirror and shaved himself with my help on the last day, and looked in the mirror and said "I still got it" and he was radiant. I bought him his scones, and supplements, and soda, and last ice cream bar and he didn't want two.

With 60 mg of liquid morphine the morning before his passing he kept asking for more for intestinal pain that morning. -- I should have known but told myself he was just getting habituated (he was 90 lbs with 13.4 BMI so the nurse had told me his b/p was going to get so low that his kidneys would stop and the catheter bag would be less and less, those signs and the minor dry rasping breathing the week of) -- He stayed up and waited for me to get home in the late evening with the said scones, ice cream and soda (he ate the last couple meals I cooked for him with relish even though I knew he was full) and on 10-18-2020 the next morning he passed.

I wish he died in my arms. Do take care of yourself first but try to find a system and a routine you both can agree on so you can read to her, keep her company and hug her like I didn't my dad. Watch out for when she rallies and know that is like the two days you should really have as your mission to spend as much time as you can and resolve anything with mom. My dad's passing was sweet and a gift, the rally I get now. All the best. Mike

(I had originally used up all 4,000 words and then accidentally closed the browser, but there is so much, soo much more in this year when the whole labor of dying got really going)

Do watch "Magnolia" with Tom Cruise
And "The English Patient"

One helped me get the complexities of it, and the other kind of inspires you to be a good caregiver

If your mother is crying and says "nobody is nice to her," believe her.

Best believe, I would take mom home.

Sounds to me your mom is precious. If you only need "a few days" surely someone would stay with mom.