Hospice provided me with 5 days of respite care for my Mom. The facility is incredibly nice (nicer than any rehab or nursing home she's ever been in) and people rave about the staff. Unfortunately, my mom has been crying everyday since she's been there and says "nobody is nice to her". She says she wants to go home and doesn't understand why she's there. I've tried to explain to her that she's only there for a few days and then I will take her back home. I desperately need this time to get my life (relatively) back on, relationships, a recent move, my mental health, etc. Today, she told me she is dying and wants to be taken home. I don't know what to do for her and I feel terrible since I'm the one who put her in respite. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, did your loved one decline or pass after their stay in respite? I'm terrified that this decision will cause her to give up as she's been fighting to hold on for months now. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

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I would stop talking to her. You said it is a great facility with great staff, she is manipulating you. Take the respite and leave her to the professionals.

If she dies it is because it is her time, no other reason.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Dear "sydneybritt87,"

I'm sorry that after all you've done to get this 5 days of respite that your mom is making it difficult for you to make good use of the time apart.

With all the good things you've heard about the facility providing the respite, it's not going to get any better than that so there's nothing you will be able to say or do that will reassure your mom. I think she is trying to punish you in a sense by saying she is dying.

In 2004 when we had in home hospice care for my dad while he was dying. We were given a chance to take advantage of their facility for a 5-day respite. But in our case my dad refused to go (he did not have dementia and was completely lucid). I think he was afraid that if he went, he wouldn't get to come back home. That being said, he still declined and passed away.

So what I'm trying to say is that it's not in our hands or control as to whether they die. If it's their time to leave this earth, they will whether they are staying in a facility while you take a 5-day respite or whether they are taken back home. If you can accept that fact, you won't keep feeling guilt. She can't "will" herself to die just because you put her in a facility for a few days to take care of yourself.

You've been in my thoughts and prayers since I replied to your previous post not too long ago and there you will remain. Please hang in there for your own sake!
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to NobodyGetsIt

Mom will be just fine. Why are you continuing to talk to her when you're supposed to be on a break from her? That's not how a respite works you know. It's meant to give you a break from the one you're caring for, and from the sounds of it, you are not getting much of a break are you?

So quit answering her calls and go out and have some fun!! Those 5 days are going to go by fast, so you best make the most of them.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to funkygrandma59

The facility is incredibly nice and people rave about the staff.

You are supposed to be receiving five days' *respite.* Go away! Stop picking up the phone!

If you absolutely must: call your mother once a day for no more than five minutes, just to tell her you love her, that all is well, and that you will see her on [whatever day].
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Countrymouse

This is respite for you! Stop checking in.
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Reply to gladimhere

I would also wonder if she is indeed CONSTANTLY crying, or if it simply starts when you are in contact. That’s the way it is for a lot of children in childcare – performing big time when parents leave or arrive, then playing happily a few minutes later. It’s usually proved by having somewhere in hiding from which the parent can watch after a fake departure. It’s possibly true for you too.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s guilt. But you need a break. No one can go full steam ahead without stopping.

Your mom will be okay. She’s being looked after.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

I sent my mom to the local nursing home for a week to check out how things would go when I had to be away later in the year, I checked in every day and found so many concerning issues - it was a disaster!! The thing is I still needed those two weeks later in the year and my pre planning did nothing to reassure me, although I was better prepared to understand NH life and what to expect. Bottom line my mom survived her second stay and I was much better off not knowing about the day to day.

If your mom's physical needs are being met then step away, many of the problems we encountered had more to do with my expectations and the inevitable difficulties of mom and staff not knowing each other.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to cwillie

When a plane loses cabin pressure, we are supposed to place the oxygen masks over our own nose and mouth before assisting others. Why? If we lose consciousness, we will not be able to assist anyone.

When you were small did your mom put you on “time out” when she needed a break?

If you are too exhausted and strung out to help your mom, nothing good will result. This exhaustion is what brought you to respite care in the first place. Your mom, in a younger and healthier state, would want you to be okay first. (Even if she wouldn’t admit that now, you will be able to do your best if you get a break).

Take a break so you can do your best. She will be very happy to see you when your break is over.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to ACaringDaughter

This is a case of shoring up the foundation so the house doesn't collapse. You can't help your mother if you deplete yourself.

Please try to focus on your own needs in the brief respite window you are being offered. Do it for your mother's sake.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Marcia732

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