Follow
Share

After struggling with the decision, we moved my mom, who has an Alzheimer's diagnosis, to Memory Care on Wednesday -- at the virtual insistence of the administrators in her senior-living building and on advice of medical pros. It went fairly well, but then that night and the next morning she was very confused and thought she was in a hotel out of town. By last night and this morning she realized she was in an apartment on a locked floor. I will say this: the two-room suite she has is truly lovely and large, with big windows and a great view. The unit itself is the best in the area, we are told. But it is still a secured ward, and she is enraged about that. She is now calling and accusing us of taking all her money and "incarcerating" her. Of course she does not remember any of the conversations we had about the move, at which time she seemed willing to give it a try.


This is very hard to take, especially since the outrage about being on a locked floor is totally human and understandable. I expected some upset, but now I wonder if my mother will spend the rest of her years hating me and distrusting me as she does today. I am an only child. There is a part of me that is tempted to say okay, forget the whole thing, and move her back to her old place rather than accept the destruction of our relationship for the remainder of her life. It is hard not to doubt a decision that is causing so much anguish. Can others say whether the anger and distrust wear off, or is this just pain we all have to live with now so she can be physically safe?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Alz/dementia or not, they're aware enough to lie to us and to play the guilt card HARD. For example, my mother who has moderately advanced dementia told my cousin she hurt her knee & leg when she fell last night (her 75th fall by the way) in her Memory Care ALF. When I spoke to her, she said she was fine and told my cousin a 'bit fat lie' b/c she felt like it. She wants others to feel sorry for her, plain and simple. She tells me how miserable she is and when I speak to the staff at the MC, they tell me she's yucking it up with the others in the activity room. This is typical behavior for lots of residents...........they save their WORST behavior for US (I'm an only child too) and their best behavior for the staff.

Stop paying attention to what your mother is telling you and focus on the reality of the situation instead. She's got Alz, she's been moved into a beautiful apartment in a great Memory Care ALF with top notch amenities where she's safe and sound. Period. Before long, she's likely to start confabulating wild stories ANYWAY about what a bad guy you are and all sorts of nonsense, so who cares if there is a 'destruction of the relationship' going on? It will happen one way or another b/c the disease is in charge now! She will accuse you of stealing, lying, whatever.........all lies that paint you to be a monster. If she's safe and sound, THAT is what counts, nothing else. The disease has robbed her of all rational thought and the mother that once was is no more. Your only job is to ensure her safety.

I know how hard all of this is, I have been going through it for the past 2 years my mother has been steadily declining in Memory Care, and the 3 years beforehand she was diagnosed with progressive dementia. It's all bad, all ugly, with only short glimpses of happiness thrown in once in a while. All I really care about at this point is that she's safe and secure; all the rest is just the dementia gibberish she is spouting off on a daily basis.

I recommend you take a break from speaking/seeing your mother to let her settle in. Then, go into the MC without her knowledge and lay eyes on her........see what she's doing, how she's acting, who she's engaging with. See for yourself that she's fine and then you'll know for a fact she's just laying it on nice and thick for your benefit when she's crying and carrying on later.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
disgustedtoo Jul 2021
Another posting that I would like to vote helpful 900 more times!

As others have noted, when we aren't around to be a reminder of days gone by, so often they are enjoying time with others, with activities, etc.

I would also recommend staying away for at least a week, perhaps even 2. If at all possible, try to "sneak" in and observe - be that proverbial fly on the wall, so you can see for yourself how she's doing. The staff is reporting her doing well, but you are not totally convinced. Seeing for yourself may give you some solace.

While there are exceptions, likely more dependent on the type of dementia, most residents do "settle in" and participate in activities, even if it's just coffee klatching with the other ladies. Then when we show up, it jogs memory of the before times and gets them wound up - sometimes.

When you do begin visits, bring little gifts to distract her, a bouquet of flowers, some sweet or treat she really likes, a book or magazine, something to "dress up" her room. Anything to take her focus off "home." (NOTE: home over time may become a previous place she's lived in. Nine months after moving my mother to MC, she was focused on her mother, gone 40+ years, and the house she/we lived in prior to her condo, which would have been then too.)

You've done the best for her. You didn't do this to hurt her or lock her away, but rather to ensure she's safe and well cared for. It also allows you to resume your role as loving child rather than grouchy nurse! Staff has reported she's doing well, socializing and eating. While it's hard to listen to her rant and accuse, take solace in the fact that she IS doing well.
(5)
Report
IN this place she should be examined by a psych doc who can prescribe some meds to calm her and perhaps even help her, mentally. She could get much better and easier to deal with.

Or, she may just stay the way she is. You prepare yourself for either and hope for the best.

And, nobody is making you answer the phone, right? Just that nasty old guilt. Only talk to her when YOU call HER. If she's calling you, she's probably amped up about something and you don't need to carry her anger around.

It IS most important that she be safe, and it sounds like she needs to be where she is. I'm sorry for what is obviously causing you pain---but it's what's best.

Time is the great healer. Give yourself a few MONTHS and see how she does.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Rabanette Jul 2021
I was going to mention the same, re: psychiatrist and medication. If the anger and abusive language seem to be part of a mental health issue, then they may need to address that at the facility.
(5)
Report
Squid, she will get over it.
But buckle up buttercup, as it will take a while. Usually a facility will encourage you NOT to go an visit them for a short initial period of time. Maybe week / 10 days so they can acclimate and get on whatever medication management so that they are all even. Let it play out. Don’t let her guiltify you. If she has always been unhappy, she will stay that way too. Enjoy your 4th and next week.

here’s my moms story, moved my 90’s mom from her beloved yard & home to an IL in a tiered facility (went from IL to AL to NH w a hospice wing). We had looked at several and she did couple of “play dates” at it prior. All agreeable. Day of move she is wringing her hands, crying, walking in circles in her bedroom, saying you can’t force me, yada yada as the movers are in the room shrink wrapping her furniture. Loads of drama. I had to go outside where the van driver is taking a smoke break. He asks hows it going & very matter of fact he tells me, just make sure she doesn’t throw herself on the truck lift. Anyways van gets quickly loaded. We go over to to IL, furniture & art gets placed. I had outfitted bath & kitchenette in advance; a resident gets mom to go w her an activity. She comes back, she is pissy too, I leave. Admissions heavily suggested wait a week to visit for IL (2 weeks for AL & NH). So instead I called ea morning to see how the nite went and to make sure she placed her door hanger outside (this is how this place made sure all ok, as had to put hanger on hallway door by 8:30 AM). All seems good first few days, but she is still pissy. Then 1 morning I called no answer, waited a bit & did again, still no answer, then again, I go into OCD mode, get dressed and about to run over imagining the worst, call one last time & she answers the phone. Me: You ok? Mom: “yes” (terse), me: you sound out of breathe, feeling ok? Mom: “yes I told you that, I heard the phone from the hallway and had to rush back to answer, I need to go, the van is coming, we’re going to Steinmart”. She hangs up on me.
Hangs up. Yeah, IL is different than locked ward MC, but they do adapt. Let her vent, wait it out, then visit as if nothing has happened.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

She has dementia. She needs to be protected. Her emotional reactions to those who are lovingly caring for her are not authentic or rational.

You are the rational, responsible individual who has assumed that position out of your love and concern for her welfare.

She doesn’t remember conversations that included her in the decision regarding her move because her brain is damaged by a vicious illness. You must use your compassion and understanding to accept the fact that she is not saying what relates to her reality but what relates to her fear.

Many MCs request that family-in-charge stay away for a few days, until those in charge of her care can see how she relates to them and to her new environment. It’s probably a good idea to ask them now, if nothing has been said to you, how and when they want you to resume contact, and whether or not they think you should or should not answer the phone calls.

It does go away, when the new faces become more familiar, but the actual time frame is a little different for everybody. My LO was pretty tough, and the MCU approved psychiatrist was a major help.

Your description of the pain of keeping her physically safe is so apt, and so true, and there are NO good ways of dealing with her discomfort. You will need to remind yourself many MANY TIMES that the hostile anger isn’t really aimed at you, no matter how focused it may seem.

In time you will that if love is present in each difficult decision you make on her behalf, you’ll never go wrong.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Your mom has Alzheimer's. Her brain is broken and can't think and reason like it used to. Of course you already know this.
She doesn't hate or distrust you. The disease does.
You did the right thing moving her into AL for her own safety, and if she has moments of lucidity, in those moments she knows you did too. Sometimes the right thing isn't the one that makes everyone happy. Don't beat yourself up over it because it's beyond your control.
When she calls and starts accusing you of having her incarcerated and stealing her money, just keep telling her it's not true. Don't take all of her calls either. Let some of them go to voicemail. Cut a call short if you need to. Take care of your own mental health because it's important. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to do anything for your mom.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This is where the rubber meets the road….we do what is appropriate for their next level of care regardless of how much they hate it, hate us etc. yes, this is not abnormal behavior. It’s a loss for her and grieving sets in, denial, anger all those things. Sometimes they get over it and sometimes they don’t. So it’s hard to say for sure. But steel yourself for several months of this. My dad was very angry and accusatory. And yes, it is hard to take, but there was no other way. It’s difficult to see them unhappy when you know it’s in their best interests and even harder to take the brunt of it. But stay strong and resolute. Life doesn’t guarantee that we get our way all the time or that we will be happy (applying this to her not you). Also, understand that you can’t reason with her. Just listen, knowledge and redirect. And don’t answer the phone if you’ve had enough.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

It's just plain hard to see your loved one go through this. It's hard for me to hear your anguish, and I'm pretty sure anyone on this forum can relate to it.
Keep busy. You did the right thing and do not move her back to her old place.
Your relationship is not destroyed. The relationship you had was with your mother whose brain functioned properly. If you think about Alzheimer's as brain damage, then you can understand better what you are dealing with. That brain damage wreaks havoc with communication, understanding and so on.

Also it goes back and forth, from moments of lucidity to moments of unknowing. She didn't know where she was, as you mentioned. People with working brains know where they are.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I had to focus on the move being for my dad’s safety, the safety of others and my mental health. I had to remind myself that “caring” for him meant providing him with “safer” environment where he was kept clean, received excellent meals, was medically and emotionally monitored.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Only child here also...we are going on month 3 of AL for my Mom who has vascular dementia. At the request of the facility RN, we did start some meds in month 2, when she still hadn't settled down. She was pacing endlessly, and it was hard on her hip replacement, and her ankle swelled up really badly. The facility also sends me pictures of Mom interacting with others, and smiling, and playing bingo. But when I visit or talk to her, the only conversation we can have is 'when are you going to take me home?" "this is NOT living" "I'm soooooo miserable here". I have tried visiting more often...that just made it worse. Right now I am only visiting once per week and calling every other day. I think she will always complain to me, but the reality is when she talks to other people, she's mostly happy. I just try to remember that her brain does not function correctly, she's not the mother I once knew, sadly. Dementia is the weirdest disease, she knows how old she is, (82) tells me she thinks I am around 40 (thanks Mom! I'm 57) but still will insist that I am the oldest and she's been "following in my footsteps" all her life....??? I think she gets me confused with her older sister. Take it easy on yourself. If you trust the facility and believe she's in a good place, take comfort in the fact that they know better than you how to deal with this disease. Maybe in a couple of months, we will both have a happier story to tell! Hope your Mom and my Mom both settle in and can enjoy (to whatever level) the rest of their lives....((hugs))
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Squid62 Jul 2021
Thanks so much. I am amazed to read how many people have experiences of relatives in MC apparently doing fine except when the son or daughter calls.
(3)
Report
You are seeing her frustration and outbursts regarding something she can not comprehend and does not remember conversations about. She is upset since it is not her usual routine, Once she settles in, it should get better.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter