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Mom has mixed Alzheimer’s and had to be placed right away. I researched five wonderful places but there was no room available.
I put her into one that had space. After two days, complaining started. Man went into her bathroom and urinated in the corner, scared mom so badly she started barricading her door. Then she escaped by opening all the doors until she found one that let her out. Many other complaints that were never addressed, so after less than one month I gave a week notice to move her out.
Now she was moved to a beautiful and well established place with lots of staff and activities to stimulate her. But she wants to go back to the horrible one! Even called 911 and said I kidnapped her and moved her without her permission. She was the one who called me telling me off and saying horrible things because I put her in the first place.
I'm so tired of this abuse I dont want to talk to her anymore.
Now the first place is demanding rent for February!
They have broken so many codes! I filed a complaint with the DDS and Ombudsman.
Any one with this experience?

When you signed up with the first MC home, you signed papers which stipulated you'd need to provide a certain amount of notice before taking your mom out of their facility. And, you'd need to pay a certain amount of rent in advance, probably 1 month minimum. That's what I've always faced when moving my folks out of one ALF into another. I always had to pay not only an extra month, but a cleaning and repainting fee as well.

Secondly, you will need to fact check every single thing mom is telling you. With dementia, they frequently make up stories that always need to be checked with the staff. My mother has told some doozies.

If she's using the phone to call 911 and it's in her room, the phone may have to go. My aunt was calling 911 repeatedly saying Help me to the point where there was no other choice but to remove the unit from her room. There is always a phone at the desk the residents can use.

Wanting to go back to the first MC is just another example of confusion on your mom's part and not something you can agree to, obviously. As long as she's safe and well cared for in MC #2, that's the best you can hope for.

My suggestion is to allow her to acclimate to the new MC and keep your visits down to a minimum. Things likely won't be 'perfect' at the new place, either, as residents have issues and chaos can sometimes prevail! This disease is so awful, and it is so trying to deal with our folks all the time, it's mind boggling. Take a break for yourself and don't feel guilty.

Wishing you all the best moving forward.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Eaglet333 Feb 1, 2020
If it was a minor complaint, no problem, but lack of communication was a big problem. I would call to address these concerns and no one called back. Only until I told them we were leaving did they respond. If it was just a few thousand, but I put out $10550 the first month!we started to complain about the safety issue the third day.
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My Lord, sounds like a nightmare. Best wishes to you. I am glad Lealonnie was able to give you sound advice.
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Ditto to fact-checking her stories; ditto to no more phone (I know this one is hard but at my MIL's facility the staff occassionally allows her to use the office phone and helps her come to the phone when we call there.) Hang in there!
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Eaglet333 Feb 3, 2020
Mom has no phone. She was in dining area, and saw a phone tucked away in the serving area. When the nurses and caregivers had a work change, she went there and used the phone. No other resident ever did that. Obviously, mom won’t be using the phone again.
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Dementia is awful and unfortunately everyone in a memory care facility has it.

Shocking bad things happen - things we find appalling and unacceptable - I remember one man peed everywhere - the dining hall, the tv room, and once on my mom's wheelchair - I literally had to demand that someone clean it up - they never stopped him because he became violent if they did

I'm surprised your mom wants to go back rather than go home - my mom never stops asking to go home

your contract might state you must give 30-days notice - what codes have they broken?
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Eaglet333 Feb 1, 2020
Mom doesn’t remember home. This place had no activities, no care or safety for the residents. Mom would have them call me so she could threaten to kill me if I did t get her out of this crazy place. She said they were all zombies. She tried and succeeded to get out three times. People there would scream and cry out for help and no one would help them. I’ve had family members and even the Gerontologist who placed her complained of the smell and lack of care.
I called DSS and asked if this lack of care and stimulation warranted a formal complaint. She said most definitely and reported to Ombudsman too!
Why would I keep mom there another month and pay for it? The didn’t provide the services on the agreement, so why should I?
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That’s a lot to go through for both you and your mom and it sounds like it has been a tough week. I am so sorry. You’ve already gotten great advice so I only want to share one thing. In my experience with Alzheimer’s, making a major change in their lives is like Armageddon. They can’t process or verbalize it but it comes out in their behavior and it’s awful. By your own assessment, she’s now in a wonderful place. Give her time to adjust and give yourself some time as well. Moving forward, remember that your mom isn’t the mom you remember and it will only frustrate both of you to ever expect rational thoughts and behaviors. It’s okay and perfectly normal not to like the person she has become but it’s obvious that you love her and you’re doing a good job.
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You are stressed. This is not abuse, you just perceive it. I just moved my mom mid month and I did have to pay both rents. It was in the contract for a 60 day notice. You may find that some have a 90 day requirement. Read your contracts.
Yes some residents do weird things. I wonder if you waited a while longer if that situation would have been rectified. My mom's new residence has a code of conduct so that the facility can remove the offending resident. My mom had a similar person who wandered into others rooms. Within a couple of weeks, he was moved into a different unit. Do realize that if mom's behavior continues with 911 calls that you may be contacted that mom has to move out. This is a two way street.
Ignore your mom's wishes and give her time to adjust with her broken mind. My mom tells me she is ready to go back home and in the next breath tells me she l9ves the place. Do take away the phone. It is not necessary in memory care. She is too vulnerable to scammers. Police do have to come and investigate calls but they should know where the call originates.
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She doesn't need a phone in AL. She needs to "lose" it. Make sure the staff and Administration knows u took it. At my daughters NH a report has to be made up and a search done only to find a family member removed the phone.

I would not let her know she can use the desk. If there is a problem, the staff will call.
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Thank you! I’m sure it’s one of those places that charge you a high price and do nothing for the residents. I feel sorry for them because no one comes to see them. Mom has taken on the responsibility of being their teacher. She was teaching them Hula and how to play porker. Mom wanted to go back because SHE felt she was their caregiver, her patients.
She felt like she abandoned them. She was fighting to get out and go back there.
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I had to give a 30 day notice of my moms move so had to pay for basically 3 weeks at one place and start paying for AL and new Community Fee as well. The community fund was 1,800.00 dollars but I negotiated for 1,500.00 dollars. I paid the community fee as I felt so bad for mom. Trying to help her have the money she may need in future.
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In regards to the payment to the previous facility, have you reviewed the admission paperwork? It's very possible that you re responsible for a month's payment. Some facilities have a 30 day requirement for leaving. In regards to moving you mother back to the problematic facility, hold your ground and don't do it. Given the memory issues It's not uncommon for adjustment issues to occur. She may be looking for familiarity. Have you decorated her room the way it was in the other facility? In all of this try your best to remember that her behaviors are due to the dementia. Perhaps medication to ease the agitation?
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Eaglet333 Feb 4, 2020
Thank you for your answer. Yes, everything is the same in her new room. Right now she won’t take anything by mouth; no water, coffee or food. She thinks the facility are trying to poison her.
I bought her a doll to care for. I read that they may need to feel useful and responsible again and that having a doll helps. I sure hope so.
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Your mother stated that a man urinated in her room. Was this incident seen by anyone else? My 95 year old mother has been in a very good AL for several years. She has periods where she relates incidents that have not been substantiated. An example: she was given the wrong meds by a nurse who she specifically described. She was so tired she slept all day as a result. The AL does not have a nurse fitting the description and a review of the common area video (where she goes to get meds) showed the regular nurse. The manner in which my mother tells these stories is so believable! At first I believed her but I have come to realize that the stories are due to her dementia. I see my mother 2-3 times a week and I know that she is very well cared for. So, some things that your mother tells you occur ma not be the reality.
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I just moved my mother out of AL to a nursing home. I have to pay a full month of February at the ALF because of a 30 day notice requirement. I felt I had no choice to move her. She was so unhappy and wanted out of the Alf as soon as possible. Even though her anxiety meds were increased but only helped for a while. I don’t think she received bad care. I think the unhappiness was due to minimal care and her overactive imagination. She begged me to get her out of there. She Said she was scared and lonely. I went to see her twice a day to feed her. but she often didn’t know me when I got there. I always told her who I am and then she would remember for a while.

I believe she needs more interaction with the staff and 24/7?nursing care. That is not what she got at the ALF. She has a fractured wrist with no reliable explanation how it happened. She can’t get out of bed on her own but constantly tried. She might have got her hand caught in side rails or by constantly trying to push herself up to a sitting position. she has a roommate now and hopefully that will help the loneliness.

The care she received was great... just not enough of it.

Good luck to you as your mom gets settled in the new facility!
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FWIW at least some nursing homes don't charge for the remainder of the month if a resident dies during the month. However, they probably consider this "unforeseeable" while a move is not. Of course they're keen to fill the bed as soon as possible, and charge the new resident. Some facilities are very greedy compared to others, but sometimes one can challenge them and win. However, if something is spelled out in the contract, then the facility is in the stronger position.
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Start by recording her conversations so if cps or police get involved you will have some sort of record. The new facility should be able to help if she calls 911 again, too. Once they explain the dementia issue, it should help.
As for the other facility, you might want to reply on their invoice the problems (especially man in bathroom and her escape since that placed her in danger) you experienced, date you told them you were leaving, and that you filed a complaint with XX authorities. Keep copies of everything you mail to them. Make it clear that the issues that came up in their facility put your mom in too great a risk to leave her there and these issues were all explained to XX authorities. The Feb rent will probably go away.
Dementia causes the changes in behavior. So can a UTI, so ask the facility to run a urine test just to rule that out. Anytime you see sudden changes outside the normal quirks, check for UTI. Infections are very common for older folks in hospitals and facilities and often they create wild changes in behavior. The behavior can be abusive, just remember it comes from a broken brain that can no longer reason or understand things clearly. Just come up with some kind of phrase for response - I'm sorry, I understand, No arguing because you don't understand what is really going on in her head and she certainly doesn't always understand/believe the point you are arguing. It's hard to go along with something you know is not true, but in her head it's as real as can be.
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Eaglet333 Feb 4, 2020
Thank you so much for your answer. It really helped me. You had some great ideas and I will mention the urine test to her new facilities. You gave me confidence to move forward.
Bless you!
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You may need an elder law attorney.
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Eaglet333 Feb 5, 2020
Thank you, we do have one.
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My daughter works dispatch and says the 911 calls happen a lot. They still have to check it out, but they do understand. I would suspect if the calls happen too often from one person they would recommend taking the phone away.

I decided not to set mom up with a phone when we moved her to MC. I wasn't worried about the 911 calls, but when she was living alone still she would call over and over about getting a ride to appt, turned off the ringer (would be okay at facility, but not when I was trying to call and got no answer for 2 days when she was alone!), and generally called me not my bros.
I also skipped the tv. I don't think she was watching anymore at home, probably couldn't operate or find the control. I also wanted her to be out among others, not holed up in her room. They have a TV in the common area, but generally she isn't watching it.
Her hearing is pretty much shot, so that's another reason to skip phone and TV!

Definitely get the UTI check and absolutely affirm what she says, commiserate and assure her you'll look into whatever it is she is concerned about. Hopefully the first place will drop the bill - depends on what their policy is on notice time, but given all the issues, esp the "escapes", they should pull back to avoid investigations!
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Eaglet333 Feb 6, 2020
Thank you. Phone in Memory Care facility was unplugged in the kitchen.
We know not to have a phone in room. She would be calling 911 telling them she was kidnapped.
we have reported the first facility and have consulted an attorney.
Yes, they should pull back but I want the money returned for damages and over charging. Let’s see what DSS and Ombudsman say.
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