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The doctor has made the recommendation to hubby that he needs full time care, hubby was and is very resistant. I am to the point I can not handle him, I can not keep up with his care. Have located a very nice facility 2 blocks from the apartment with a certified Alz. unit. The kids agree it is for the best for everyone, problem is how to tell hubby and get him moved. And how do you get past the guilt....

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It sounds like him being in the nursing home is a good place. With his dementia, he could really hurt you and not mean to. If he were thinking clearly, I don't think he would want to do that. I'd just tell him that the doctors want him there for treatment and try not to take the ugly talk to heart, since it's not really him talking. When you place a loved one in a safe place where they can get treatment, you are doing a wonderful thing.

You have to keep yourself safe and it doesn't sound like that was happening when he was home. I'd discuss options for his long term care. I might discuss medications with his doctor as they may help with is anxiety and distress.

It must be a very difficult thing to go through. Do you have family or friends that you can talk to and get support? You can always come to this site. There are many other good people, who have been through similar experiences. Good luck.
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Bonnie, you ARE doing the right thing. "For right now, honey, the doctors say you need to be here. When you get stronger, we can talk about it again with the doctors.".

It's heartbreaking for you, i know. Hopefully, they will find the right combination of meds to ease his agitation and combativeness.
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My husband was sent to a Nursing Home after a two week stay in ICU in the hospital for kidneys failing and high potassium levels. He needed physical therapy and his angry behavior modified with drugs. He has been there for about three weeks and was doing well until he fell and hurt his knee. Then he got extremely combative and unable to reason with when he knew he would have to stay longer due to the fall. It has been downhill ever since. I don't think I can bring him home with this combative behavior, but I feel guilty putting him in a Nursing Home on lock down. He got on the phone (with the Nurse's help) tonight and swore at me and told me he wanted a divorce, and demanded I come to get him out of there. He is nasty to everyone when he gets like this. He has been physically violent with me and left bruises on my body. I have prayed for the right answers, but I am at a loss for the right answer. If anyone can give me help, I would appreciate it. We were married 52 years this year, and I am losing my life-long partner and love of my life. Bonnie O.
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thank you Mary
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Hi Donna,
It's such a difficult thing to do and my heart goes out to you and your hubby both. Find out where your nearest Alzheimer;s Association is. They have wonderful resources and support groups for the patient and/or the family. You can read their info, go to support meetings, or just talk to them on the phone. Our experience with them when my mother in law was going through this and living with us was great. We eventually set her up in an assisted living facility, then their Alzheimer facility, locked wing because she was a wanderer, and eventually into a full care nursing home. It was hard to "make" her take each step, but was the b best thing for ALL of us! She made many new friends, even if she didn't all ways remember them..., and had activities and care we could no longer provide at the level she needed and deserved.

Change is all ways difficult. Life is full of them. We can only ask of ours self's and others that we do the best we can. When loved ones need more then we can provide, it's time to ask for and accept help. In this case, a nursing home for your husband sounds like the most loving decision you can make for him and yourself.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. I hope this window gives you and your husband a better live. Less worry, more care, more energy to give him when you are together, a safer environment, the list of positives to moving him goes on and on.

Prayers for you both,
Mary
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thank you rettajane
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Donna-it sounds like you'd qualify for Medicaid.....we did-otherwise we could never afford a nursing home.There IS help for you-you just need some support&advice...I send hopeful wishes for you &your husband.
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Thanks, he has home health, PT, Nurse, Speech, and Psyc nurse. He is as they put it very non-compliant. I have sent all the forms into the social services office for medicade and anything else we are eligible for, but that is a very slow process, I sent them in 10 days ago and still nothing.
I keep searching for help and contacting agencies, it is a very slow process
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Donna, please contact Home Health Care. they will come out to your house and it is all covered by Medicare. 100%
They order physical therapy to come out, for blood test the lab comes out, occupational therapy to help with how he gets around in the home, the nurses are great! Your doctor can order one to come out. They will send the reports back to the doctor. Also, If you have lost allmanyMedicaid will cover the nursing home rent and care. He has to be qualified, so contact these agencies, there is lots of help out there. Medicaid will not take away needed assets from the spouse.
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Sorry to hear about your situation Donna. You say the Doc says your hubby needs full time care. Does he need full time nursing care? There are many other options if he does not require skilled medical care. This is a big decision so please check out all of your options before you make one. Getting someone into your home 8-10 hours per day to help care for your husband could be a big help to you and also don't overlook assisted living/adult family home options. Good luck to you.
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Thank you all,
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God Bless you, You do deserve a break. Please take care of you and let them take care of him. Then when you visit you both can enjoy it.
Thinking of you
Nita
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I can see why you said there's no way you can keep up with his care at home. You are definitely doing the right thing, Donna! You are amazing. Don't forget how strong you are and have been regardless of how you may be feeling right now. When he is in a nursing home, you will be able to take a deep breath and better start taking care of yourself and balancing your life. You need to, and, you deserve it.
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I thank everyone for all the suggestions, some are usable, thanks
Friends? we dont have any, we have been over the road truckdrivers for all the years we have been together until he was forced off the road by the diabetes and doctor. The last 5 years I have worked in house and cared for him, my job was 50 miles away so the previous lifestyle and job location were not conducive to making friends. I recently moved him into the city for closer medical help and because we lost the house, the last 8 months have been a living nightmare.The company I worked for shut the doors bouncing paychecks 3 days before christmas, Jim had been hospitalized in Nov, Dec, again in Jan 10 for halucinations, I have been hospitalized 3 times since Nov for pnuemonia and stress.
We live on his tiny social security check, I am trying to work from home for another trucking company but it is commission only and not going well.
Most of the great suggestions will require funds, I am struggling to just put food on the table and pay for his medications. The kids do what they can but they are not much better off, our son is in college and working full time, our daughter has a 1 1/2 year old and another on the way, her hubby is working his tail off and trying to get into the military.
When I was working outside the home, I did everything in my power to keep home and work seperated, I did not discuss my personal issues at work, not the place for it.
We were told in 1990 he probably had 5 years to live, he was off work for 3 years from a trucking accident and the doctors had him on 28 different medications, he was a zombie, one day he said "if I'm going to die, I at least want to be awake for part of time" he quit all the meds and was able to return to work within 6 months. Amazing how the doctors had over medicated him to the point they were killing him. He still had some medical issues we dealt with thru new doctors and natural remedies until December 6 years ago when his diabetes and neuropathy sidelined him permanently.
During the last 5-6 years he has developed treamors, had 1 eye removed, lost all sight in the other, developed alzheimers, the neuropathy has taken all feeling from both hands and feet, the fancy medical test gave % of loss at 89% in hands and 97% in feet. He has had the hospitalizations for chasing butterflies and talking to his mom (she passed away when he was 17, he is 65 now) and seeing trucks parking in the bathroom.
I cant leave him alone and it is a huge production to make all the arrangements needed just so I can go to the store.
Our life together has been just that together, 24/7 for over 25 years living in a truck working together.
I really do appreciate the suggestions thank you all for letting me vent
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If it's the right decision, keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing, Donna. Guilt comes from a place where we think or doubt whatever we may be doing, or have done. Others have shared great ideas with you that will help you and your hubby ease into the change, rather than take a head-on plunge. However you choose to go about it, have confidence that you are on the right path. It has to be the right path if you can no longer manage to keep up with your husband's care. What you're saying is you need help. That is always the right thing to do when we get to that point. It still will be emotionally draining for both of you. There's no getting around the difficult emotions for some of us when that day comes. All the more reason that you need to ditch the guilt. Your decision is a normal life transition. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable with your husband by letting him know that you love him and want the best care for him. It's going to be hard, but it may help to keep it real.
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Perhaps you migh try an Adult Daycare at first. Allowing him to socialize with others in similar medical or physical conditions. He will begin transitioning from home as much, then the permanent or temporary stay at the NH. Talk to him and get Power of Attorney over his healthcre, so that you will remain in total control over every decision regarding his healthcare. You may decide to take him out periodically from time to time for awhile. The Dr has made a recommendation, however, don't wait until the courts get involved or medical evaluations become a legal entity to involuntarily commit him, it will not be pleasant, nor in your control at that time. Try making his move a gradual one and don't forget to visit often and tell ALL his friends, family and acquaintences so that they can keep him company regularly. This will foster his environment and not make him sad or miss the life he has built. Once you give him all the support you can possible offer, making him as comfortable as you can, etc., the guilt will go away.
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We have to put my mother in a nursing home and are trying to get her to get more testing to see if a Dr can diagnosis her to help us. We at this time are at a loss. She has more bad days than good.
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Take him to dinner there. They are happy to do that for you. They usually will even let him come to some activites. This is so he can see it is not horrible and to become familiar with the place and people. That helped my mom a great deal.
You also can have him stay for a respite, as in staying a month to try it out. That is a daily charge and covers everything. Then you can set up the long term if you wish.
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Better check out that guilt that you say you have before you make the move. Is it possible to let him come home after he has been admitted?
Is it also possible for you to change your mind later...I mean three months from now? six months? How 'bout six weeks? Did you try added help in the house? Fast forward to the day of his death.....how will you handle this decision that you are making now?
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Donna, I am so sorry about your hubby. My husband and I just celebrated our 38th anniversary, and he also is a truck driver. Although he is NOT long haul ( he's LTL) I can not imagine seeing the man I've been with since I was 15years old, get so sick so fast, that alone is daunting. I have to ask myself if the roles were reversed what would I tell him to do with me? I would tell him that he needed help and that if in his judgment thought there was no other option but to put me in a nursing home, then I would trust him. So, give yourself permission to do this thing with a clean conscious. After all these years traveling together, raising kids together, loving each other your husband has got to have 'hands on' experience of knowing that you can be trusted. Doesn't mean he has to like it though, but not all decisions are going to be fun. So take a deep breath and tell yourself you're doing the right thing, and that you would trust him if the roles were reversed and NOT make him feel guilty either. You're supposed to have each others back right? Then this can be his way of having yours too.
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Getting past the guilt is the easier part-my Father's in your position with my Mom-we know it's the only option left-Dads' health is declining rapidly as he trys to do it all..Moms been very resistant to the idea that she&Dad need this.So now rather than lie to her about why she has to go to a nursing-home,Dads' decided to wait and see if she'll come 'round on her own.Unfortunately she gets very angry and combative with him to the point where she gets her way-99%of the time.I'm afraid she'll have a fall or something..have to go to a hospital and then staight to the N.H.
So knowing(that)this IS the BEST option for your loved one should ease your guilt some-I wish you the best:)
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