How can we move someone with dementia if she does not want to go to a facility?

NO ONE wants to go to an assisted living facility. In the case with my dad, the doctor said that he could not live alone. My dad had every reason in the book and then some why it would not work. His arguments were exhausting. So we left the hospital and rehab and went to straight to assisted living. I already had his furniture moved in and his clothes in the closet. He pouted for about three weeks and that was tortuous for me, but he says now it is where he needs to be. My suggestion would be to get her doctor to talk to her, take her to the facility and let her look at it, and see if she will just "try it". Trust me, it is NOT an easy move for anyone involved, but sometimes we have to do what is best and safest.

I pleased and pleaded to have my husband in a nursing home. Finally I gave up and then one day a VA emergency room doctor came and said to me "do you really want to take care of this old man? I said no, and that go the ball rolling. They transferred him to a nursing home. At that time he had vascular dementia, was tube feed and had urinary incontinence. So, find a nice doctor, explain the situation, and hope for things to happen on the next routine doctor appointment. Beware, they take them wherever they find an open spot. Mine was 37 miles from our home.

I'll try this again. --- You need to get her declared incompetent. This process varies from state to state so check with your local office on aging and they can assist you. -- My mom has dementia too and for a very long time she sounded competent if you talked to her and people who didn't know her wondered why the family considered her incompetent. They'd say, "She seems fine." Don't go by that. I took her to a neuropsychologist and he tested her. He wrote a report that said that she definitely has dementia and Alzheimer's and detailed what she can and can't do. That's a legal document you can use to proceed to put your aunt in a facility that will properly care for her.

I understand where your dilemma comes in because no one wants their loved one in a place like a nursing home if they can manage at home. I guess you have to figure out what will fit into your own life and what you feel comfortable with. I have and still have a lot of guilt feelings about my dad even though he was not that great of a father. Since I was the MPOA, I am responsible for him being there and he of course doesn't like it. If I had more backup from family it might be different but I don't. I do know this: My father needs 3 meals a day, plus snacks, bloodsugar checks and medicine adjustments, He also has hi bp, is agitated beyond belief. He gets up at night and falls. When he could walk he spent all of his time trying to leave. I knew that unless I could clone myself 3 times I would quickly burn out. The dr visits alone for someone with my father's kidney disease, diabetes, gout, dementia, and now stroke, I knew that I cannot keep up with all of these things. I am thankful that he is overseen by professionals. He has meals that he can take in his room. He can do pretty much the same as he was doing at home which is to sit and watch TV in his chair. If I was ultra rich and had the money I would set that up at home but I'm not. Plus he gets the social aspect of it too. I can focus on enjoying the remaining time he has and he gets fresh aides and nurses around the clock who bathe him, feed him, minister to him where I cant. My father needs that but perhaps your Aunt isn't at that place.

Thank you Stephan and CarolLyn,

I have found all of the responses and other peoples stories helpful and is hope that the responses to me did nit take away from you Stephan. Our situations were similar so I hope you benefited from all of the stories too. CarolLyn is so right...each circumstance is very different and each family dynamic is different. Re: convincing to go to AL or NH...I am in the middle of that now so I do not know how to do it but I have no ability to provide 24 hour care in my home unless it can be provided through insurance which I am quite sure is not...my thought now is to find a place in my town or very close by so that I can bring her to my house as much as possible, but still have somewhere for her to be taken care of when I can't do it....not sure if I can get her to go along with this...she just wants to go home...and who can blame her. re: will insurance pay? It will for some I think..but if she doesn't have tons of money..you need to file for Medicaid for her..this requires a lot of paperwork so good to start early. It requires lots of digging through paperwork in her home and trips to her banks...etc. you need the POA to get the info from the banks and they need to bring that documentation with them to the bank. Good luck

Just because she sounds lucid to you doesn't mean she's competent. I can't tell you how many people thought nothing was wrong with my mother, yet when it came to competency, she couldn't remember the year she got married, her address or other essential details that help determine competency. If she is not competent, a guardian should be appointed for her.

Her daughters need to talk to her doctor, and have HIM tell her it's time to go to assisted living. I have sometimes found that the older generation takes the word of doctors as gospel and will listen to them before they'll listen to their own family. Just a thought.

A formal declaration of incompetency is a last resort. If it's not plainly obvious, and it sounds like it wouldn't be, it can be arduous to get (as it should be) and can take awhile.
I'd meet with your aunt's children and formulate a 'plan of attack' – if your aunt is thrifty, appeal to that "you paid a lot of money for your long term care insurance and you could be one of the few people who actually get to take advantage of it and live for free!" If your aunt is able to be persuaded by a guilt trip, have her children make the appeal "I can't believe you won't even consider this for me. Knowing how I worry about you and how much I love you, how can you not even give this a chance. You are taking support away from your grandchildren - I can't provide for them as I could if you would use your insurance...). But, given that her resistance sounds 'toddler-like', you may be most successful by just laying down the law. Her kids could meet with her together (to show how serious they are) "We can no longer afford to support you. You must use your insurance. We are going to look at a community today."
Personally, even if I had money to burn, I'd be damned if I'd spend it on aides for someone who has long-term care insurance!
Her children need to confront her with reality or just move ahead and make the plans without her. It's hard being a parent to your parent!

Stephan, my sister and I are in the same boat as you. Our mother has mild dementia and is living alone but shouldn't be. She has always told us she NEVER wants to move out of her house. She has told us that if we move her to AL, she will cry and cry, and then she will die within two days. She refuses to even go on a tour of an AL to see what it is like. Until she gets to the point of getting her POA activated by two doctors, there is nothing we can do about it. More than one professional and friends have told us that we are just going to have to "wait until something happens to her" and then we can get her moved. It's very frustrating. I understand what you are going through. Good luck.

Unless her daughters are willing to declare her incompetent, they are in a bind. I had to wait it out, until my mother fell and went to the hospital. Then, the doctor refused to let her go home.

Will she at least go to the AL and have a look?

Depending on the progression of her dementia, she might now be a candidate for AL, though.