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I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now, he's 21 and I'm 23. He has been taking care of his mother for about 2 and a half years, and his father recently died of ALS about a year ago. I've been paying for the majority of his meals and some things for him here and there, as I have a full time job, and he stays home to care for his mother(he gets about 500 dollars from the state to do this, helping pay utility bills at home). She gets "survivor benefits" to basically stay home and not move(this covers rent and basic needs), although I know she's capable of caring for herself. She is manipulative, spiteful, and says horrible and cruel things to him and his brothers. I'm a little frustrated, because he seems stuck. He only gets so many hours for caring for his mother, and could get a job and support her better that way, but it seems like since he gets a little money, he will stay where he is until his mother dies(she has kidney failure, but has mobility and can generally take care of herself.) I'm planning on moving in to help with costs(and to not be divided between two homes), but I'm not sure if I should if he's going to be staying home all day, not making enough for us to survive on when she passes away, or even the effort it takes to get a job. He has said many times that we should put her in a home, or find another caregiver for her while he works, and move out. He has done a couple of construction classes, and has been working(very little) on a build site recently. However, I'm worried because he says he "doesn't like working" but I can also tell he feels rejuvenated when he does work(more accomplished).I love him a lot, and this is probably more me venting than a full question, but is this situation normal? Should I be supporting him this much, or should I stay out of the picture until he gets a job that can support us in the future? I know that his mom makes it incredibly difficult for him, but I just want to be able to start our futures together, and she doesn't seem like she'll be gone anytime soon. Is moving in a good option?

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Run. Run as far away as you can from this situation.
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No. Do not move into this situation.

Put some distance between you. Meet other people. Date others. Or at least socialize casually with others. You have been tied to this youngster since he was 16. That is much too young for him to make adult commitments. Let him grow up some.

How old is his mother? In her 60s? This unhealthy situation of co-dependence may go on for 30 more years!

No, do not move in.
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His what? His younger brother? What about his younger brother?

Of course his mother loves you! It gives her something else to beat him up about, that she can't imagine what such a nice girl sees in him. How long do you think that'll last once you're living there?

For God's sake, find a roommate, get out from under your freaked-out stepfather, set your mother a good example, and see if your boyfriend follows your lead. If so, great. If not, you'll be free to enjoy life with people who know what normal looks like. Build your career, make your own money - it'll be a lot easier when you haven't got these people taking up so much space in your head. You've had a rough start, but it's other people who've created the mess, not you. Don't feel you have to join in.
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Run. Run. Run. Here's my predicted scenario if you move in: you and her son will listen to ENDLESS harangues from his mom and they will persist 24 hours a day....Young people in love long for and need special private time together daily and for prolonged periods of time....(hours and hours.). If you imagine she will leave you two lovebirds alone after bedtime, I predict that she will not....My hunch is she would call out for him for this or that petty little thing frequently at night...Additiionally, she might likely work hard at dividing you and your BF by saying untrue things about you to him. It would go on and on.

Please honor yourself and don't move in...He can still be your BF to the extent you care to accept him and his situation as it is, but do not move in, please.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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Run, run far, far away from this situation. You sound mature and responsible, No one else you have talked about (boyfriend or his mom) sound remotely functional or emotionally healthy. They will pull you in and pull you down into their dysfunction.

You deserve a young man who will bring as much to the relationship as you do, not one who is looking to you to do all of the heavy lifting because he doesn't like to work. Run!
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You and your BF are both young. Has he ever lived independently or held a job long term? If he has shown he has the ability to function as an independent adult you might try to help him get free from his manipulative mother. Encourage him to find a job and move out on his own, perhaps to get therapy to process the awful feelings he must have in regards to his father's last years and his mother's narcissism. If he is unable or unwilling to take those first steps to keep you then you have to understand that you will never come first in his life and move on.
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Looking back - as us old folk tend to do - age 17 thru 28 was the most fun, carefree time of my life. I did it right. Went to school, had fabulous girlfriends, danced till dawn, had a few serious boyfriends but also juggled three gentleman callers at one point, changed jobs on a whim because I could - I had a blast! If I were queen of the kingdom I would decree that no one could marry, or have children before age 30. The person you are or should be in your 20's is very different from the person who's time eventually comes to settle down and be responsible in your 30's. KortiApple - grown up life lays ahead of you, with all its seriousness and responsibilities. Once you walk through its door there will be no turning back. Please don't rush to it - it's not going away - it will be there. Now that I'm an old fuddy-duddy with more responsibilities that anyone has a right to, sometimes I think it is my memories and experiences of those wild, fast-living, FUN filled years that sustain me.
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What CM said. No matter how many roomates it takes, get out and experience life ON YOUR OWN with no responsibilities but your own.

Find a therapist and work on finding out what functional feels and looks like.
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RUN, and don't look back.
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Kotri, this sounds like you are leaving the frying pan to jump into the fire. You are using BF's request/offer to get out of your family situation, to go into a family routine and dysfunction that you know little about. Because the house is being sold you think BF is your only option. It is not. It is the easiest and you will pay for it in many ways that you have not even thought about yet.

Other option that you should consider is to leave that big city for somewhere much smaller, the cost of living is much lower. There are small homes in my community that rent for $400.00 a month. There are many towns across the country that are looking for workers and pay them well to consider moving.

You are not stuck in your current situation, nor is your BF. But, if you move in with BF you will only get stucker. You will be supporting them. How then will you get out if all your money is going for their living expenses. You CANNOT save or rescue them. That is for them to figure out, and it may NEVER happen. Find your own life, it lies ahead for you but only if you will grasp it.
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