I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now, he's 21 and I'm 23. He has been taking care of his mother for about 2 and a half years, and his father recently died of ALS about a year ago. I've been paying for the majority of his meals and some things for him here and there, as I have a full time job, and he stays home to care for his mother(he gets about 500 dollars from the state to do this, helping pay utility bills at home). She gets "survivor benefits" to basically stay home and not move(this covers rent and basic needs), although I know she's capable of caring for herself. She is manipulative, spiteful, and says horrible and cruel things to him and his brothers. I'm a little frustrated, because he seems stuck. He only gets so many hours for caring for his mother, and could get a job and support her better that way, but it seems like since he gets a little money, he will stay where he is until his mother dies(she has kidney failure, but has mobility and can generally take care of herself.) I'm planning on moving in to help with costs(and to not be divided between two homes), but I'm not sure if I should if he's going to be staying home all day, not making enough for us to survive on when she passes away, or even the effort it takes to get a job. He has said many times that we should put her in a home, or find another caregiver for her while he works, and move out. He has done a couple of construction classes, and has been working(very little) on a build site recently. However, I'm worried because he says he "doesn't like working" but I can also tell he feels rejuvenated when he does work(more accomplished).I love him a lot, and this is probably more me venting than a full question, but is this situation normal? Should I be supporting him this much, or should I stay out of the picture until he gets a job that can support us in the future? I know that his mom makes it incredibly difficult for him, but I just want to be able to start our futures together, and she doesn't seem like she'll be gone anytime soon. Is moving in a good option?
If his mom is so horrible to live with, why do you think your boyfriend continues to live there? Is it because he doesn't want to work outside of the home? Does he feel obligated to stay there? What will your role be in the home?
From my experience, people who don't want to work and tell you that they don't care to work, generally, aren't going to work, especially if they have someone else provide for them. If you don't mind being the bread winner and living with a woman whom you describe as spiteful, manipulative and cruel, then it might work out. It just sounds like you are volunteering to move into a dysfunctional situation.
It's not for me to say what you should do, but I would think long and hard before I moved in with someone who I had to support, especially, if I was going to be treated poorly by his mom. It's her home, so her rules apply. I would imagine that would be very stressful and I try to avoid stress.
ALSO, GET AN OPINION on her qualifications regarding benefits. I would explore IF his mom is getting state or federal benefits, YOUR income could be considered and it might have an impact on her benefits.
As for future accomplishments for the boyfriend one only needs to review his past accomplishments. If you do move in, you could be the main breadwinner for many years to come. Nothing wrong with that if that is what you want.
You have to do what your gut feelings tell you to do. The fact that you are questioning this tells me you are having second thoughts about moving in. I think your boyfriend needs to prove himself. He doesn't need to be sitting at home watching his Mom is she is able to do for herself, but it sounds like she is able to guilt him into doing so. This could go on for decades, depending on her health.
Put some distance between you. Meet other people. Date others. Or at least socialize casually with others. You have been tied to this youngster since he was 16. That is much too young for him to make adult commitments. Let him grow up some.
How old is his mother? In her 60s? This unhealthy situation of co-dependence may go on for 30 more years!
No, do not move in.
You deserve a young man who will bring as much to the relationship as you do, not one who is looking to you to do all of the heavy lifting because he doesn't like to work. Run!
It is a horrendously unhealthy family.
You MUST stop giving money, and do what cwillie said- encourage him but please do not move in with him- even if he leaves mother.
You are being held onto , you deserve much better whether you believe it or not.
Does even a tiny part of you think it *might* be normal?
You're 23 years old. Your boyfriend is 21. You have not even started your lives yet, either of you.
Do not move in with him. Lead your own life, and if you still want to then make space for him to come and join you in it when he's ready to leave home.
By the way. Your boyfriend's mother is in no way your responsibility. But don't you be too quick to assume anything about the capabilities of someone with renal failure sufficiently severe for her son to be her paid caregiver. You may not like this lady, and maybe she deserves it; but hold off on judging her. What happened 2 1/2 years ago, do you know?
I don't know if you're concerned about your boyfriend taking care of his mother. If you are, then realize he has siblings. They should be involved in the mother's care before you get roped into it!
Your b/f is 21 his mum is unlikely to be older than 66 tops and you are planning to put your life on hold before it has even begin my darling? please please think about this with the heart put to one side for the moment.
You might love your b'f to the end of the world and back right now but I can see a mile away that you will have zero life. If you think she is bad now you just wait till you're there and she can vent on you for taking up her precious boys time when he should be caring for her.
Be there for him as a friend but he needs to develop the balls to stand up to her on his own. Until he can do that he isn't worthy of you .
Sometimes, a professional can help us with issues that we may be too close to see ourselves. Getting that basis, might help you cope, regardless of which route you take.
It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought and that you want security and a place of peace and love. You sound like you have a lot to offer too. I'd be very careful not to jump to another place that may not meet that expectation.
I do wish you all the best.
Of course his mother loves you! It gives her something else to beat him up about, that she can't imagine what such a nice girl sees in him. How long do you think that'll last once you're living there?
For God's sake, find a roommate, get out from under your freaked-out stepfather, set your mother a good example, and see if your boyfriend follows your lead. If so, great. If not, you'll be free to enjoy life with people who know what normal looks like. Build your career, make your own money - it'll be a lot easier when you haven't got these people taking up so much space in your head. You've had a rough start, but it's other people who've created the mess, not you. Don't feel you have to join in.
Find a therapist and work on finding out what functional feels and looks like.
Please honor yourself and don't move in...He can still be your BF to the extent you care to accept him and his situation as it is, but do not move in, please.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Other option that you should consider is to leave that big city for somewhere much smaller, the cost of living is much lower. There are small homes in my community that rent for $400.00 a month. There are many towns across the country that are looking for workers and pay them well to consider moving.
You are not stuck in your current situation, nor is your BF. But, if you move in with BF you will only get stucker. You will be supporting them. How then will you get out if all your money is going for their living expenses. You CANNOT save or rescue them. That is for them to figure out, and it may NEVER happen. Find your own life, it lies ahead for you but only if you will grasp it.
One poster touched on the fact that you might have to care for your parents at some point. Yes, your stepfather is wealthy, but what if he dies and his money doesn't go to your mother? Then what happens to her? Will you be responsible for her? Certainly if she knows your are caregiving for a boyfriend's mother, it will be expected by all that you will do the caregiving for her. And what if your mother dies first? I certainly hope you won't be guilted into caregiving for your abusive stepfather?
Age 23 is a great time to start knowing yourself better, and to respect yourself more. There is a big world out there, and you deserve better than some 21 year-old who puts up with abuse from his mother (and who expects that you will put up with it, also).