I have been mother's caregiver for over 10 years, but she is leaving everything she has to a grandson. Is this fair?

She feels you have an obligation to take care of her without any compensation.

And, apparently, so do you feel that. Otherwise, why have you been doing it?

If your mother is on Medicaid then presumably she won't be leaving very much of anything to anyone - as I understand it, the usual practice is that Medicaid will be entitled to recoup much of her estate after she passes away.

So it's not really about the money, is it? Isn't it more about your continuing to hope that your adoptive mother will eventually, in some way, acknowledge your right to expect a loving relationship with her?

Does she know about your fiancé? Is she aware of being an obstacle to your moving ahead with marriage and your future?

I'm no tax expert , but I have heard that if inheritance is passed to grand children versus children , there is no tax penalty. Again. Do not know this as a fact. One of my aunts has apparently done this. By passed her children, and everything is going to grand kids

This would p*ss me off. You need to have serious talk to her - now. Can you consult with an elder attorney about your situation?

I'm an only child with no other relatives in the country. I gave up my career, freedom, friendships, relationships and the such to care 24/7 for both parents, now one as the other is deceased. I provide the best care possible for them then if I put them in a nursing home or even in a small group home, according to my mother's doctor and nurse. If I put my mother in a nursing home, I would be getting calls from the nursing home staff saying Mom is being non-compliant - and they'll kick her out. She would kick and scream until someone drove her back to our home. Even though she's permanently bedridden, she's got a serious temper when she's mad and can beat shit out of me! I work my ass off being their caregiver and now just to Mom...it's like taking care of a disabled child...I do everything hands-on including all the business stuff, like dealing with insurance issues. While taking care of her, I'm working on creating a small business and I'm also studying for graduate school - so I'm trying to do something to better my life while caring for her. Growing up, I didn't dream of ever becoming a full-time caregiver to my parents. Hell no. Who does?! But for some reason, this is the path I'm supposed to be on so I've accepted and I'm making the best of it. I've become a better person from this caregiving experince - no - nightmare! I deserve whatever is left over from Mom's care! I'm on the title of the house so I get it right away after she passes. I'll be renting this home out for capital for my small business because I want to avoid taking out loans and also I'm going to graduate school, working towards my doctorate.

Dear mbr944,

I feel for you. It is hard being the daughter. Are you able to talk to her about changing this with an elder law attorney?

In our culture boys are shown more favoritism even though its the girls that do the work. My grandmother had left everything to her two single sons. Last year my aunt was upset about this and said you have to change it to be shared evenly between the 7 kids otherwise the siblings will break apart over this. It was my aunts that helped my grandmother the most, so I agree with her. My grandmother is still sound mind at 92 and did make this change.

Personally, I would be so resentful that I would say "fine, let your grandson handle your care." But I know its a lot easier said than done.

If you can, have that conversation with your mom. Tell her everything you have told us. Let her know how you feel. Its worth a try. And depending on what she says, maybe make a choice that suits you best.

She does not live with me, I live 5 blocks away. I'm the only daughter. I got her medicaid years ago so she would be able to have help. At present, she has two caretakers who come in cook, and do light housekeeping. This helps, but everything else I do. She calls me on the phone, and demands things be done and has never thanked me on anything I do. We have never hugged or kissed, or even an affectionate word between us. Relatives say she doesn't love me. I was adopted and wonder if that is why. My grandson is 19, trying to go to school and works. She raised him for 10 years and feels he is her son. He also has a 3 year old daughter but not married. She feels I have an obligation to take care of her till she dies, without any compensation. No, I do not get paid to take care of her. I don't know what she will do if something happens to me. I have had to put my life on hold. I have a fiance I want to marry.

Is this fair? On the face of it, no, obviously not.

But my question is, is it a surprise? Only you can know whether or not this decision is something you would have expected your mother to plan and follow through. We don't know what her rationale is. If you don't either and it still bothers you... I'm afraid it's a bit late, unless your mother is not significantly impaired by her dementia and is therefore able to change her will if she wishes to.

When did this information come to light?

You say your mother lives alone, yet your profile says your mother lives with you. ?

Is your mother mentally competent? If she is, then there is no reason that you can't have a chat with her about why you get nothing in the will. What is she paying you to live with you (assuming she does and does not live alone, which is unclear)? Anything?

PLEASE don't tell us that you pay for and do everything for dear Mama!

I am angry for you.

It's amazing how many elderly parents seem to think that care is provided out of love and devotion and that no compensation should be necessary, even if the parent can afford to pay it. My own mother has said that if she had money to leave behind, she would leave it to all of her children equally to show that she loves them all the same. I personally think that's crap, and I will make sure that every cent she has is spent for her care and needs while she's still alive. One of my sisters have not even visited in years, but she'd be the first to have her hand out if anything is left when Mom dies.

I paid the down payment on Mom's house, and took the title jointly with her so it becomes mine on her death. My greedy sister may scream, but tough. I'm also the executor of my mother's will, and I plan to take whatever personal property I want before selling the rest upon her death. After giving up all these years of my life for her, I feel entitled to whatever is left when she's gone.

JEssebelle is exactly right.

Even though my Mom was clear that my brother was to get nothing...it was so disrespectful I could not honor it after she was gone. AND...he did nothing!

I would have a serious talk with Mom...and if she feels that this is all you deserve...then...hand the reins over to grandson and get on with your life. But, be sure  to tell her exactly why you are leaving, because if you don't, you will always regret saying nothing about it.

10 years ... this is it?

I agree with the others that it's unfair. Does her grandson help out at all? Has she discussed her reasoning with you? Unless there are other circumstances that would explain it, I agree with the others that it may be time for you to have the grandson take over her care, so that you can rest.

Are you being paid to be her caregiver?

Your profile says that your mother lives at your home and has diabetes. Is this still the case? Has your mother always been passive-aggressive with you? I don't understand her rationale for leaving everything to a grandson and leaving you nothing.

I agree with Jessie Belle.

If the situation is that you already have more money than you're likely to need, but the grandson is living with financial hardship, then I could see it as fair. But many caregivers make serious financial sacrifices to take care of elders, and quite a few are left destitute when the parent dies. That should never happen, and especially should never happen when the elder has assets to bequeath. If that's the situation, I would say it's unfair bordering on criminal.

Let's give an honest answer here. Why that ungrateful woman! I don't know the story behind it, but giving her 10 years and getting such disrespect is terrible. At her age, her grandson wouldn't be a child anymore. Is he special needs? Or is she trying to impress him? What could she be thinking?

mbr944, it is time to let Mom know that you can no longer be her caregiver because she needs more help then you can provide. Being your Mom is 96, chances are you probably are a senior citizen yourself. Tell Mom that you are now having age related decline issues. Of course, Mom may still see you as a "kid" who can do everything.

Give Mom two choices, move to "Independent Living" where the facility has options for extra care, she could have a very nice one or two apartment. Or she can continue to live at home but she would need to hire professional caregivers from an Agency, 2 or 3 shifts per day. The cost of the caregivers could eventually eat through the equity on the house if Mom sells the house. Whatever you do, do not pay for the caregivers or Independent Living from your own savings.

I know it is totally unfair that Mom is leaving everything to her Grandson since you did all the heavy lifting [caring for your Mom], I assume this young man isn't your son. Your Mom does have the right to leave her assets to whomever she wants. Is this already etched in cement via a current Will or Revocable Trust?

If the inheritance is a concern and you're not in line, perhaps it's time to consider letting the grandson take over. You can resign your proxy authority by giving written notice to your mother.

I wonder though if you and your mother have ever discussed how you feel? Is there some reason she chose the grandson?

This is not a suggestion to raid her funds, but you do know that as proxy you can arrange for in-home care for her, in part to give you a break.

You do know that her "slight dementia" can get worse, especially if she falls and suffers a fracture, or is hospitalized? Changes like that can accelerate loss of mental acuity even if there is no dementia.

Doesn't sound fair to me. Do you live with her?

Maybe grandson should move in to be her caregiver.