My 89 years young mother needs help cleaning her apartment, a HUD facility for independent living. The majority of her neighbors are on Medicaid but, often to her disadvantage, her yearly income is barely above what it is to qualify. My mother often says "I'm probably one of the healthiest people in here." I tend to agree with her since she routinely takes but 3 prescription drugs per day, has pretty good mobility for her age & continues to drive within a one-mile radius. She has a positive energy & outlook on life. Her apartment reflects her personality as it is neat, welcoming & full of cheer. My mother rarely expresses anger but she certainly has done so with me as of late when I have offered help to clean her apartment. She is adamant about not wanting me to do some of the more tedious & thorough chores such as cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming. In one breath she bemoans the fact that some of her neighbors have the advantage of Medicaid assistance for a cleaning service but, in the next, refuses the same help I'm willing to do personally. We have always had a very close relationship: mother/daughter & best friends. If not I to aid her in a time she needs help, who? I've approached the subject maybe 4 times this past year but she's wearing me down. Mom loves her apartment, her independence & her neighbors. In the big scheme of life, is it worth pressing & upsetting her? She's happy & maybe that's enough.
Probably not worth upsetting the apple cart. When you can do some cleaning, such as while using the bathroom, go for it. I think NeedHelpWithMom's tactic worked well - the old "accidental" spill of some water on the kitchen floor, oops, I have to clean up MY mess!
My mother, while living in her condo, hired someone neighbors were using to do some cleaning, maybe like every other week. That became once/month, then she said she could do a better job and let them go. I didn't stick my nose in. If she felt she needed something done/fixed, she would usually ask YB.
I did offer to help her go through clothes, to get rid of things that no longer fit (she picked out an item for my son's wedding, but didn't try it on until the day of the wedding, and of course she couldn't get into it! OB was there, texting me while I'm on the highway to the wedding! His daughter was with me, so I had her reply to his query what to do with PICK SOMETHING ELSE OUT!!! GEEZ!) My offer after the wedding was rebuffed. "I keep my things nice." Sure mom, but what good is nice if it doesn't fit? I got the 2 handed wave off. Had I known that she had 4-5 large porta-closets FULL of stuff, along with totes, bags, boxes, hope chests and all the closets and drawers in the place full, I would have pushed harder.
I did have to get YB to take her out so I could sweep the place for paperwork - she was mis-filing, digging out old, really old stuff and getting confused, calling me, etc, so it all had to go! Some paperwork was needed for taxes, so I had to be sure I had them on hand at tax time! I had taken over her finances already and with a temp forward of mail, redirected all her bills to me. Thankfully she never missed the stuff! She briefly complained about the mail, as it was now mainly junk mail, catalogs, etc.
Her place was probably like your mother's. Clean enough, but with some attention needed in a few places. Before resorting to a move to MC, I tried bringing in aides, mainly to check on her (none of us were local enough to do daily checks and phone calls could be missed due to hearing issues) and see that she took her meds from a timed/locked dispenser. It was only 1 hr/day, first 3x/wk, then 5x/wk, to get her used to it. Initially it was fine. At least one was industrious and would clean bathroom and/or sweep the kitchen floor, but mom would insist she stop and would grab a dustpan and brush to "help." This didn't last 2 months. She refused to let them in.
So, post-move, I begin the long tedious task of clearing, cleaning, repairing (hired most for repairs.) That's when I discovered all the clothes, shoes, handbags, etc!! AUGH! Some areas required some serious cleaning after most stuff was removed. It took me about 1 3/4 years to finish and have it ready for sale. It was about 1.5 hrs each way, which limited how much time/day I could do, along with being physically unable to do some things. Bros helped some, but the bulk of all this was mine. :-(
I would say that if the place "looks" and "smells" clean, just touch up when you can. I wouldn't ask. Maybe just tell her that if she ever needs some help with some heavy cleaning, such as carpets, you're able and willing to help! Offering to help if she asks is different that suggesting you do the work.
Hopefully she doesn't hang on to a lot of "stuff." Granted that later, like for me, there might be some serious cleaning to do, but at least it is an apartment, smaller area than a whole 2BR, 2 bath condo and no need to repair much of the structure itself.
It's unfortunate that older folks often don't share their personal and private reasons for doing what they do, and family and others misinterpret and prejudge, when what's really taking place is an evolution in self preservation tactics.
Just like you, if I offered to help, she would become upset. She didn’t want to admit that she couldn’t do her ‘housework’ anymore.
The next time I asked to help her, grandma said it to me, “Do you think I can’t do my work?” It broke my heart to see her become embarrassed so I never offered again.
One day we were watching a movie together in her living room. I told her that I was going to get a drink of water. I accidentally on purpose spilled my glass of water on her floor.
Then I went and told grandma that I needed to mop up some water that I accidentally spilled. She was interested in seeing the movie and she said to me, “Okay, honey. The mop is in the hall closet.” I quickly mopped up her entire kitchen floor.
For me it was a matter of being creative and find a way to help without embarrassing my sweet grandmother that I loved so much.
My grandma was like your mom. She got around fairly well but couldn’t go as fast as she used to.
My grandma could drive short distances too. She kept her routine. She never needed a cane or walker. She just moved a bit slower.
Like your mom she was always pleasant to be around. I adored her.
The offer may imply to them that you feel they aren't capable. It would have to be done with some finesse, but might not even work then. When she asked if you thought she wasn't capable, you could say no, you just love her so much you want to help! But, if they say no, then let it go, or find "creative" ways to enable the cleaning, such as what you did!
My Mom was losing her eyesight to macular degeneration, which I didn't quite understand until years later. If someone is losing their eyesight, they won't want anyone touching anything in their home. Apparently my Mom could remember where everything was, even new groceries brought in, and only she could put the items away. Heaven forbid if Dad tried to help :P
Just food for thought.
What I did was start small, just sorting and piling magazines, for example. But I didn't mention it, or did it while also sharing a conversation, or with favorite music playing in the background so that my parent would focus on the music and not the cleaning.
Then have a reward or treat afterward; go for a drive, have a dish of her favorite ice cream, something to close the episode on a positive note.
Psychology and making someone feel good about what you're doing is perhaps one of the biggest challenges in caring for someone.
I understand your mother's reluctance to become a burden to you. She may want to keep your visits as a joy in her life, rather than a chore for you. She may be well aware of situations in which a kind offer to help led to a strained relationship.
Let her have her way and don't try to lie to her or sneak in secret cleanings. She will know that you are being dishonest with her and that will hurt your relationship much more than an accumulation of dust. She sounds like she would actually love to have help but doesn't want you to do the dirty work. Is there any way you could hire some help?
You may be surprised at how inexpensive a once-a-month cleaning may cost from a small business. Big chains are expensive, but before COVID I had a service do the heavy cleaning in my home for merely $65 each month. I gave my Mom a housecleaning for Mother's day and she was thrilled. Unfortunately, my plan to continue monthly service for Mom was unsuccessful due to Mom's location--too far from town. Give it a try, anyway. My sisters and I were going to share the cleaning expense for her house, making the cost doable. If you can just get the bathroom and kitchen scrubbed well once a month and the heavy vacuuming done you both will feel a lot better.
Let it go.
She may not want you doing the heavy cleaning, she is just complaining. She may not really want this service from you, or if free, because it would indicate she is failing and she's not at that point. Maybe you could point out it's getting a little dusty and you're going to help her and do just one room this month, another room next month. She could wash the nic-nac stuff in the kitchen while you bring them to her and then you could work on dusting/vacuuming. Let her know you prefer to help because it would be dangerous if she was alone trying to use a step ladder to reach something. She will have participated and proved to you/herself she can still do these things. Bring a nice lunch and make it a fun time for her. Rotate rooms each month.
Let’s just say that he wasn’t happy when he returned home from work. Puppy poop was spread throughout his apartment!
I couldn’t stop laughing as I listened to him. He started laughing too.
They are great but not when training a puppy. LOL
It definitely is not worth bugging your mom about helping her clean up. Enjoy your times together and not look for the dirt.
When it comes time to die and you're on your death bed, one thing no one will be thinking or saying is...I wish I was a better house cleaner 😇
You are very, very, very fortunate to have such a positive mother. If it weren't for negative, ugly, horrible things to say about everything and everybody, my mother would be 100% silent. But hey, she was a fabulous housekeeper her whole life.
My mother would breeze in on my one day off and tell me she was there to help me move some dust. I am sorry, but no. The only way she wanted to spend time with me, is if I was doing housework on my one day off. She never appeared on the days I was working to rally the ex or the kids to clean the house, or work in the garden.
Once she decided to surprise me and catch up the laundry. Big surprise, she ruined my very few clothes that were suitable for my office job. My slacks were 3 inches too short, my wool sweater went through the dryer etc. Keep in mind I was working 6 days a week to keep the bills at bay, I could not afford to replace the clothes.
Oh and the kicker to this story, I discovered after my marriage ended that my mother had a secret creepy relationship with my ex. She 100% took his side when we separated and told me I should be homeless.
To give you an idea of how much of a trigger this topic is for me, I am crying as I write this.
OP if it is not a safety/health issue, just leave your Mum's housekeeping alone. If she wants help, she will ask for it.
Me, I found a wonderful woman who is helping me sort and declutter my home. It is a work in progress, but progress is happening and I am for the most part not being triggered.
But it would be good to know what she has against a little cheerfully-volunteered help. Has she said anything at all about what her objection is?
Mother was never a stellar housekeeper, but was able to get us kids to do 90% of the housework that was absolutely necessary.
I think she is 'noseblind' and 'sightblind' to the messes. It's not really filthy in the sense that APS would ever step in, but it is FAR from clean.
Cheerful volunteering has gotten me kicked out on my behind more than once. Problem is, she cannot differentiate between real things of value and garbage. She had photos of family tacked to the walls all over the place--I took them and put them in collage frames and tidied up THAT mess, also cleaned out her kitchen table which is jam packed with papers and mess--YB came in while I was working and said "Come back in 2 weeks, you'll see how futile this work has been". Sure enough, 2 weeks after this, she had taped MORE photos on the collage frames and the table was once again jampacked with paper garbage. She now has a 'SKYLIGHT" which if she could turn it on, would show family pictures all day. And there'd be no need for all the picture frames on the walls. Lost that battle, too.
For all my thoughtful efforts she now refers to me as the 'cleaning Nazi'--which I am not....but it frustrates me how dirty she can let her place be...I haven't made any efforts to do anything but wash her opaque front windows. They were so dirty she could not see out of them and she spends much of her day watching the neighbors.
She'll let YB's daughters sort of swiffer the floor, but no one else is allowed to do anything. I give up.
Mother downsized from a 4000sf home to an 800 sf apartment attached to YB's home. That was when dad was alive, but bedridden.
Not the cleanest of homemakers--she has let this tiny apartment become hoarded out with so much junk I literally cannot be in it. She put up curtains 22 years ago and they have never been washed. Her recliner has been peed in dozens of times, as her cath bag will overflow and she doesn't feel anything. She just puts another blanket or afghan over the wet surface.
She won't throw anything away. Maybe one tiny bag of trash on trash day, and her bathroom trash (filled with soggy Depends) is allowed to be taken out only once a week. The smell is pretty bad and of course, flows over and into YB's home. She also has 2 feral cockatiels that add to the funk, and whenever they are let out to 'exercise' they poop on everything.
A few years ago I made a serious attempt to clean--really clean and although she ASKED me to do so--it was an epic fail and I don't do anything anymore. She allowed very few things to even be touched, and if you can't throw out a completely dead plant or give 50 puzzles to GoodWill, then there's kind of no hope.
The only thing I do now is maybe water the desiccated plants and run a broom around the birdcage. I washed the windows this year and she argued with me the whole time saying I'd just barely washed them (5 years ago).
IF I go visit, I stay in the 'common' living room and do not enter her apartment. My heart aches for my SIL who has this smell to deal with all the time.
We have to accept that our parents may just not want the 'hassle' of us being there, touching their stuff. IDK, really.
You may well find the pushback on cleaning that I did. I tried to be kind and not intrusive and clean for sanitary purposes as well as organizational ones--but she fought me on 22 years of TV Guides and 40 (!) years of Publisher's Clearing House envelopes. (We did get those stored, for the love of heaven...that's when I knew we weren't going to win the battle--when those stupid PCH envelopes meant more to her than a safe, clean environment. (BOXES of those sitting out in the open--like PCH is going to need to see the envelope the entry came in!)
I think, for me, the worst part is that people go to see her and see and smell her place and blame ME for not keeping her place cleaner. I LOVE to deep clean (someone else's mess) but she will NOT allow it.
I'd say it's age--but my MIL's place is so clean you'd think is was staged. Not a single paper out of place, and smells clean and fresh. It's not an age-thing.
I stay out of it. It’s her house, it’s her mess. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
Maybe say "Mom it must be hard getting down on your hands and knees scrubbing that tub. How about I do that for you?" Then just do the rest and say "I was already there, so no problem in doing it all" May be her vacuum is too much for her. I have one of those electric brooms. Very light weight. (battery powered ones just don't seem to have the power) Get her one and tell her a friend got one and she loves it. Maybe when she is out of the apartment, you can sneek in and do a good vacuuming. I love Swiffer stuff. I have their dry mop I use on my Pergo and bathroom floors. Dusters are great. Clorox wipes for wipe downs.
I remember one time I wanted to gift my Mom one day cleaning crew, but that idea when over like a lead balloon. No strangers in the house !!!
My late ex-father-in-law lived with his family in a wooden shack out in the middle of no where. The bathroom was the narrow path out back to the half-moon structure. I noticed pop bottles under the sofa, apparently kicked under there when visitors pulled in the driveway. In winter, an extra log was placed in the pot bellied stove.
I overlooked the "mess" as the family was warm and friendly, would drop whatever they were doing..... one of the grown kids would run to a neighbor's house to use the phone to call his siblings to say we were visiting, and within minutes they were at the house. The conversations were filled with love and laughter :)
Thus, not worth pressing the issue for your own Mom, unless you start seeing soda bottles under the sofa :)
Such a sweet post.
Hugs