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My 89 years young mother needs help cleaning her apartment, a HUD facility for independent living. The majority of her neighbors are on Medicaid but, often to her disadvantage, her yearly income is barely above what it is to qualify. My mother often says "I'm probably one of the healthiest people in here." I tend to agree with her since she routinely takes but 3 prescription drugs per day, has pretty good mobility for her age & continues to drive within a one-mile radius. She has a positive energy & outlook on life. Her apartment reflects her personality as it is neat, welcoming & full of cheer. My mother rarely expresses anger but she certainly has done so with me as of late when I have offered help to clean her apartment. She is adamant about not wanting me to do some of the more tedious & thorough chores such as cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming. In one breath she bemoans the fact that some of her neighbors have the advantage of Medicaid assistance for a cleaning service but, in the next, refuses the same help I'm willing to do personally. We have always had a very close relationship: mother/daughter & best friends. If not I to aid her in a time she needs help, who? I've approached the subject maybe 4 times this past year but she's wearing me down. Mom loves her apartment, her independence & her neighbors. In the big scheme of life, is it worth pressing & upsetting her? She's happy & maybe that's enough.

"Mom loves her apartment, her independence & her neighbors. In the big scheme of life, is it worth pressing & upsetting her? She's happy & maybe that's enough."

Probably not worth upsetting the apple cart. When you can do some cleaning, such as while using the bathroom, go for it. I think NeedHelpWithMom's tactic worked well - the old "accidental" spill of some water on the kitchen floor, oops, I have to clean up MY mess!

My mother, while living in her condo, hired someone neighbors were using to do some cleaning, maybe like every other week. That became once/month, then she said she could do a better job and let them go. I didn't stick my nose in. If she felt she needed something done/fixed, she would usually ask YB.

I did offer to help her go through clothes, to get rid of things that no longer fit (she picked out an item for my son's wedding, but didn't try it on until the day of the wedding, and of course she couldn't get into it! OB was there, texting me while I'm on the highway to the wedding! His daughter was with me, so I had her reply to his query what to do with PICK SOMETHING ELSE OUT!!! GEEZ!) My offer after the wedding was rebuffed. "I keep my things nice." Sure mom, but what good is nice if it doesn't fit? I got the 2 handed wave off. Had I known that she had 4-5 large porta-closets FULL of stuff, along with totes, bags, boxes, hope chests and all the closets and drawers in the place full, I would have pushed harder.

I did have to get YB to take her out so I could sweep the place for paperwork - she was mis-filing, digging out old, really old stuff and getting confused, calling me, etc, so it all had to go! Some paperwork was needed for taxes, so I had to be sure I had them on hand at tax time! I had taken over her finances already and with a temp forward of mail, redirected all her bills to me. Thankfully she never missed the stuff! She briefly complained about the mail, as it was now mainly junk mail, catalogs, etc.

Her place was probably like your mother's. Clean enough, but with some attention needed in a few places. Before resorting to a move to MC, I tried bringing in aides, mainly to check on her (none of us were local enough to do daily checks and phone calls could be missed due to hearing issues) and see that she took her meds from a timed/locked dispenser. It was only 1 hr/day, first 3x/wk, then 5x/wk, to get her used to it. Initially it was fine. At least one was industrious and would clean bathroom and/or sweep the kitchen floor, but mom would insist she stop and would grab a dustpan and brush to "help." This didn't last 2 months. She refused to let them in.

So, post-move, I begin the long tedious task of clearing, cleaning, repairing (hired most for repairs.) That's when I discovered all the clothes, shoes, handbags, etc!! AUGH! Some areas required some serious cleaning after most stuff was removed. It took me about 1 3/4 years to finish and have it ready for sale. It was about 1.5 hrs each way, which limited how much time/day I could do, along with being physically unable to do some things. Bros helped some, but the bulk of all this was mine. :-(

I would say that if the place "looks" and "smells" clean, just touch up when you can. I wouldn't ask. Maybe just tell her that if she ever needs some help with some heavy cleaning, such as carpets, you're able and willing to help! Offering to help if she asks is different that suggesting you do the work.

Hopefully she doesn't hang on to a lot of "stuff." Granted that later, like for me, there might be some serious cleaning to do, but at least it is an apartment, smaller area than a whole 2BR, 2 bath condo and no need to repair much of the structure itself.
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FreqFlyer, your observations on changing eye sight are so insightful.    To me this reflects caution on the part of the older person, to ensure that she/he remembers where things are and doesn't trip over them (in a worst case scenario).   

It's unfortunate that older folks often don't share their personal and private reasons for doing what they do, and family and others misinterpret and prejudge, when what's really taking place is an evolution in self preservation tactics.
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Your mom sounds like my sweet grandmother. Grandma kept a very tidy home. When she got older her legs started failing her a bit and it was harder for her to manage with certain chores.

Just like you, if I offered to help, she would become upset. She didn’t want to admit that she couldn’t do her ‘housework’ anymore.

The next time I asked to help her, grandma said it to me, “Do you think I can’t do my work?” It broke my heart to see her become embarrassed so I never offered again.

One day we were watching a movie together in her living room. I told her that I was going to get a drink of water. I accidentally on purpose spilled my glass of water on her floor.

Then I went and told grandma that I needed to mop up some water that I accidentally spilled. She was interested in seeing the movie and she said to me, “Okay, honey. The mop is in the hall closet.” I quickly mopped up her entire kitchen floor.

For me it was a matter of being creative and find a way to help without embarrassing my sweet grandmother that I loved so much.

My grandma was like your mom. She got around fairly well but couldn’t go as fast as she used to.

My grandma could drive short distances too. She kept her routine. She never needed a cane or walker. She just moved a bit slower.

Like your mom she was always pleasant to be around. I adored her.
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disgustedtoo Oct 10, 2020
Nice "trick" around being able to clean!

The offer may imply to them that you feel they aren't capable. It would have to be done with some finesse, but might not even work then. When she asked if you thought she wasn't capable, you could say no, you just love her so much you want to help! But, if they say no, then let it go, or find "creative" ways to enable the cleaning, such as what you did!
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As long as her places does not pose a risk to her safety or her health, I would step back. Let her know that you are willing to help her because you love her and not because you see her as disabled.
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No, it isn't worth pressing and upsetting her. You offered, she said no.
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mintrbl, I just noticed something in your profile and rang a bell with me.... your Mom has vision problems.

My Mom was losing her eyesight to macular degeneration, which I didn't quite understand until years later. If someone is losing their eyesight, they won't want anyone touching anything in their home. Apparently my Mom could remember where everything was, even new groceries brought in, and only she could put the items away. Heaven forbid if Dad tried to help :P

Just food for thought.
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Llamalover47 Oct 10, 2020
freqflyer: Spot on response!
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Imho, she no doubt is embarrassed that she no longer can keep her household the way that she once could. Prayers sent.
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I TOTALLY and wholeheartedly agree with your earned and learned wisdom. We're all of us in unchartered territory, and probably always will be, as I look back to my grandfolks and parents for security and I can find none. I'm grateful for my baby-boomer-hippie youth. My 90 yr. old mom had an entirely different life than I did, and I understand it was tough [WWII, Great Depression]. I grew up with fear of nuclear destruction and emotionally compromised parents. On we go...
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Min, reading between the lines, your mother probably realizes the need for help but perhaps feels embarrassed about it.   If so, the question is how to get started w/o putting her on the spot.  

What I did was start small, just sorting and piling magazines, for example.    But I didn't mention it, or did it while also sharing a conversation, or with favorite music playing in the background so that my parent would focus on the music and not the cleaning.  

Then have a reward or treat afterward; go for a drive, have a dish of her favorite ice cream, something to close the episode on a positive note.

Psychology and making someone feel good about what you're doing is perhaps one of the biggest challenges in caring for someone.
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Count your blessings. My sisters started to help Mom with her housework when Mom was in her late 80's. It is now far too much for them to do, but Mom expects them to do it and to do it for free. Mom's mental abilities have also declined a bit, though she is not suffering from any dementia she cannot seem to understand that we are now in our 70's and simply cannot care for her home as well as our own. This has put a strain on the relationships between Mom and her daughters and also between us sisters.

I understand your mother's reluctance to become a burden to you. She may want to keep your visits as a joy in her life, rather than a chore for you. She may be well aware of situations in which a kind offer to help led to a strained relationship.

Let her have her way and don't try to lie to her or sneak in secret cleanings. She will know that you are being dishonest with her and that will hurt your relationship much more than an accumulation of dust. She sounds like she would actually love to have help but doesn't want you to do the dirty work. Is there any way you could hire some help?

You may be surprised at how inexpensive a once-a-month cleaning may cost from a small business. Big chains are expensive, but before COVID I had a service do the heavy cleaning in my home for merely $65 each month. I gave my Mom a housecleaning for Mother's day and she was thrilled. Unfortunately, my plan to continue monthly service for Mom was unsuccessful due to Mom's location--too far from town. Give it a try, anyway. My sisters and I were going to share the cleaning expense for her house, making the cost doable. If you can just get the bathroom and kitchen scrubbed well once a month and the heavy vacuuming done you both will feel a lot better.
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If your mother is competent, leave her be. She can live any way she wants to. My mother is a hoarder and refuses to let ANYONE clean her house. I’ve been told over and over by doctors, social workers, APS, that she can live any way she wants in her own home and she is competent.

Let it go.
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First of all, she wants to be in control and doesn't see what you see and she is developing dementia. I would sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms, YOU ARE GOING TO CLEAN THE APARTMENT RIGHT NOW WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. Then do it. You could also hire a couple of people and take them with you so you can "control" her while they clean - but the home must be cleaned or disaster will hit. Let her rant and rave but clean the apartment/home. And repeat this three - four times a year. Tell her to stop fighting you, she can't win, and if she doesn't allow it, you will have her placed. YOU must take control over her because she obviously is not fit to be in charge. Good luck. Stand tall and firm and do not let her refuse . . . just do it.
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Daughterof1930 Oct 9, 2020
I can’t possibly see that threatening a loved one with “you will have her placed” is helpful or kind. It’s heartless. Her mother may be losing some of her abilities, how frightening for her, to feel her grasp slipping away, but she still deserves respect and basic human kindness
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For some reason, some people simply resent someone being eligible for any kind of 'free' service when they aren't. One conversation you could have with mom is to let her know they are eligible because of their disability - not so much because they are poor or on Medicaid. Should your mother become disabled to the point where she can't do for herself, her doctor could order in home care for her, too. Medicare, for those with income above Medicaid limits, also get certain services. Reinforce how fortunate she is to be 80+ and still doing so well - while the neighbors are more limited.

She may not want you doing the heavy cleaning, she is just complaining. She may not really want this service from you, or if free, because it would indicate she is failing and she's not at that point. Maybe you could point out it's getting a little dusty and you're going to help her and do just one room this month, another room next month. She could wash the nic-nac stuff in the kitchen while you bring them to her and then you could work on dusting/vacuuming. Let her know you prefer to help because it would be dangerous if she was alone trying to use a step ladder to reach something. She will have participated and proved to you/herself she can still do these things. Bring a nice lunch and make it a fun time for her. Rotate rooms each month.
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We have a couple of vacuuming "robots" for the house that are programmed to run daily. They are small, so must be cleaned out daily, but it's definitely easier than doing all the vacuuming oneself. One or two would help your mom keep up with vacuuming.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 10, 2020
My friend made the mistake of getting a vacuuming robot at the same time he was training his puppy.

Let’s just say that he wasn’t happy when he returned home from work. Puppy poop was spread throughout his apartment!

I couldn’t stop laughing as I listened to him. He started laughing too.

They are great but not when training a puppy. LOL
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Leave Mom Alone!
It definitely is not worth bugging your mom about helping her clean up. Enjoy your times together and not look for the dirt.
When it comes time to die and you're on your death bed, one thing no one will be thinking or saying is...I wish I was a better house cleaner 😇
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 13, 2020
Lol, this is awesome, made me laugh. My mom is 87 and in good health but she has slowed down a lot. We live in same apt facility (IL) and when i go down to help her dust or scrub her bathrooms and floors, she always wants to “help”. I always tell her to go rest, youve cleaned all your life now let me help you. Her excuse, youre in worse shape than i am.....physically thats correct, but i dont have osteoporosis and she does, so then she will go sit in her recliner. I do agree that they dont want us to think they cant do what they used to and we will “think bad” of them. Her apt is clean and tidy so i tell her mom dont sweat the small stuff!! We love each other and have been close all our lives. Im glad i still have her around since shes the last in her generation. Shes outlasted 10 brothers and sisters and their spouses. I always tell her shes gonna live to 100 like her mama did!! Liz
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Try having her on a day out of the house and then go to town on the cleaning, works for me. Looks like everyone else is on the same page.,.. good luck
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Well unless the dirtiness is unhealthy (like a toilet that is scrungy looking) or total filth, I guess not much you can do.  Do you have a key to her apartment, if so, do you know her routine when she goes out, maybe you could stop over do a quick clean when she is not there, or maybe if she goes to get her hair done, do it then.  Would she accept maybe you paying someone to come in once a month for about 2 hours to do vaccuming/cleaning bathroom?  I don't know how much that stuff cost, but ask her if she would allow that.  She can stay there if she doesn't feel comfortable with someone strange being in the house.  wishing you luck.
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If you are able to afford you could get her a house cleaning service to come once a month to handle the detail cleaning. Make it a gift to her for birthday, Christmas or any type of occasion where she would receive gifts. This way she can’t turn it down. (I hope)
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Why not take her out for the afternoon and hire a team to come in and clean while she’s gone?
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Just clean what you can when you visit. Don't ask just start tidying up and cleaning. Another idea is to find a housekeeper but your mom may balk and I do not know her budget.
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Well, you can clean the bathroom when you go in there to use it..........but before you do, let mom know you have some gas cramps and may be a while. Then be sure to spray some Fabreeze in there to cover up the smell of your gas! Be creative, and then let go of it.

You are very, very, very fortunate to have such a positive mother. If it weren't for negative, ugly, horrible things to say about everything and everybody, my mother would be 100% silent. But hey, she was a fabulous housekeeper her whole life.
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For several years when I visited my dad I’d await his naps, he was a champion chair napper, and I’d quietly clean away! He didn’t like me cleaning, felt it was his job and couldn’t see the neglected areas. I also took advantage of him visiting with others who went with me to sneak away for a few minutes of cleaning. It wasn’t perfect but I learned to get a lot done in a few minutes here and there
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Another take on this. I hate housework. I got to hate it even more when I was raising a family and my ex did not think the kids should have chores, nor should he. Oh and I worked 6 days a week for 4 of the last 6 years of our marriage.

My mother would breeze in on my one day off and tell me she was there to help me move some dust. I am sorry, but no. The only way she wanted to spend time with me, is if I was doing housework on my one day off. She never appeared on the days I was working to rally the ex or the kids to clean the house, or work in the garden.

Once she decided to surprise me and catch up the laundry. Big surprise, she ruined my very few clothes that were suitable for my office job. My slacks were 3 inches too short, my wool sweater went through the dryer etc. Keep in mind I was working 6 days a week to keep the bills at bay, I could not afford to replace the clothes.

Oh and the kicker to this story, I discovered after my marriage ended that my mother had a secret creepy relationship with my ex. She 100% took his side when we separated and told me I should be homeless.

To give you an idea of how much of a trigger this topic is for me, I am crying as I write this.

OP if it is not a safety/health issue, just leave your Mum's housekeeping alone. If she wants help, she will ask for it.

Me, I found a wonderful woman who is helping me sort and declutter my home. It is a work in progress, but progress is happening and I am for the most part not being triggered.
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Absolutely it is not worth pressing and upsetting her. Don't! (I know you wouldn't dream of it.)

But it would be good to know what she has against a little cheerfully-volunteered help. Has she said anything at all about what her objection is?
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Midkid58 Oct 13, 2020
I don't know if you are talking to me--but I'll answer anyhow.

Mother was never a stellar housekeeper, but was able to get us kids to do 90% of the housework that was absolutely necessary.

I think she is 'noseblind' and 'sightblind' to the messes. It's not really filthy in the sense that APS would ever step in, but it is FAR from clean.

Cheerful volunteering has gotten me kicked out on my behind more than once. Problem is, she cannot differentiate between real things of value and garbage. She had photos of family tacked to the walls all over the place--I took them and put them in collage frames and tidied up THAT mess, also cleaned out her kitchen table which is jam packed with papers and mess--YB came in while I was working and said "Come back in 2 weeks, you'll see how futile this work has been". Sure enough, 2 weeks after this, she had taped MORE photos on the collage frames and the table was once again jampacked with paper garbage. She now has a 'SKYLIGHT" which if she could turn it on, would show family pictures all day. And there'd be no need for all the picture frames on the walls. Lost that battle, too.

For all my thoughtful efforts she now refers to me as the 'cleaning Nazi'--which I am not....but it frustrates me how dirty she can let her place be...I haven't made any efforts to do anything but wash her opaque front windows. They were so dirty she could not see out of them and she spends much of her day watching the neighbors.

She'll let YB's daughters sort of swiffer the floor, but no one else is allowed to do anything. I give up.
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This post hits too close to home.

Mother downsized from a 4000sf home to an 800 sf apartment attached to YB's home. That was when dad was alive, but bedridden.

Not the cleanest of homemakers--she has let this tiny apartment become hoarded out with so much junk I literally cannot be in it. She put up curtains 22 years ago and they have never been washed. Her recliner has been peed in dozens of times, as her cath bag will overflow and she doesn't feel anything. She just puts another blanket or afghan over the wet surface.

She won't throw anything away. Maybe one tiny bag of trash on trash day, and her bathroom trash (filled with soggy Depends) is allowed to be taken out only once a week. The smell is pretty bad and of course, flows over and into YB's home. She also has 2 feral cockatiels that add to the funk, and whenever they are let out to 'exercise' they poop on everything.

A few years ago I made a serious attempt to clean--really clean and although she ASKED me to do so--it was an epic fail and I don't do anything anymore. She allowed very few things to even be touched, and if you can't throw out a completely dead plant or give 50 puzzles to GoodWill, then there's kind of no hope.

The only thing I do now is maybe water the desiccated plants and run a broom around the birdcage. I washed the windows this year and she argued with me the whole time saying I'd just barely washed them (5 years ago).

IF I go visit, I stay in the 'common' living room and do not enter her apartment. My heart aches for my SIL who has this smell to deal with all the time.

We have to accept that our parents may just not want the 'hassle' of us being there, touching their stuff. IDK, really.

You may well find the pushback on cleaning that I did. I tried to be kind and not intrusive and clean for sanitary purposes as well as organizational ones--but she fought me on 22 years of TV Guides and 40 (!) years of Publisher's Clearing House envelopes. (We did get those stored, for the love of heaven...that's when I knew we weren't going to win the battle--when those stupid PCH envelopes meant more to her than a safe, clean environment. (BOXES of those sitting out in the open--like PCH is going to need to see the envelope the entry came in!)

I think, for me, the worst part is that people go to see her and see and smell her place and blame ME for not keeping her place cleaner. I LOVE to deep clean (someone else's mess) but she will NOT allow it.

I'd say it's age--but my MIL's place is so clean you'd think is was staged. Not a single paper out of place, and smells clean and fresh. It's not an age-thing.
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elaine1962 Oct 9, 2020
Your right. It’s not an age thing. It’s a mental illness thing. The last time my mothers house has been cleaned is when I cleaned it right before my father died in 1998. Somehow she manages to clean the toilet and sink. But that’s it and she won’t let me help.

I stay out of it. It’s her house, it’s her mess. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
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My Mom's attitude and teaching was always "Keep things really neat and they will never know you don't clean up much". My bro followed in her footsteps; a gorgeous place, but under the beds the dust bunnies played. She accepted my offered help when it was difficult for her to bend and vacuum; I hired someone in weekly for those jobs. My bro would not; he has happy with the bunnies and everyone entering his place just in love with his decorating and pottery collection. I wouldn't worry it much if I were you. You can try to tease her into something like "Would you kill me if I ran a vacuum over the living room" or "Is it worth my life to scrub out the tub for you?" and if she gets mad just back up with your hands raised. What a delight your Mom sounds.
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mintrbl Oct 6, 2020
Your response is reassuring, Alva Deer. I have approached the issue similarly, weighing how I word my offer. Still she gets her back against the wall although most recently I answered for her with how she does typically & we laughed it off. I don't, as I always have, want to hurt her feelings. It is my belief that it is the relationships we have formed in our lives that matter most when all is said-&-done. To your last comment about my mother, I can not even begin to tell you how many times she has gotten me through some very difficult times with such positivity. Smiles come easily for her, she's witty, most often laughs at herself & sees the best in people. My mother truly is an amazing woman!
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How about if you and Mom invite some of her friends for coffee or even lunch? That will give you a reason to “spruce things up”. Don’t say “clean”. She will want her home looking it’s best for her friends!
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AlvaDeer Oct 6, 2020
Ahmijoy, glad to see your name in print again!
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Maybe approach it differently? I had a friend who was never a good housekeeper. When she moved to an apartment with her dog, it got worse and having health problems didn't help. She went to rehab and I suggested since her dog was in a kennel how about I clean her apartment. She agreed and said she wouldn't have normally, but it was the way I approached it. I and DH got her place spic and span. The dog smell was gone. I left her Swiffer products to make things easier for her.

Maybe say "Mom it must be hard getting down on your hands and knees scrubbing that tub. How about I do that for you?" Then just do the rest and say "I was already there, so no problem in doing it all" May be her vacuum is too much for her. I have one of those electric brooms. Very light weight. (battery powered ones just don't seem to have the power) Get her one and tell her a friend got one and she loves it. Maybe when she is out of the apartment, you can sneek in and do a good vacuuming. I love Swiffer stuff. I have their dry mop I use on my Pergo and bathroom floors. Dusters are great. Clorox wipes for wipe downs.
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mintrbl, my Mom was the same way, I wouldn't dare get out the vacuum or dusting cloth, she would be highly insulted thinking she wasn't able to keep her home spotless. She came from the era of the "white glove test" and homes should be ready in case Better Homes & Gardens wanted to do a photo shoot.

I remember one time I wanted to gift my Mom one day cleaning crew, but that idea when over like a lead balloon. No strangers in the house !!!

My late ex-father-in-law lived with his family in a wooden shack out in the middle of no where. The bathroom was the narrow path out back to the half-moon structure. I noticed pop bottles under the sofa, apparently kicked under there when visitors pulled in the driveway. In winter, an extra log was placed in the pot bellied stove.

I overlooked the "mess" as the family was warm and friendly, would drop whatever they were doing..... one of the grown kids would run to a neighbor's house to use the phone to call his siblings to say we were visiting, and within minutes they were at the house. The conversations were filled with love and laughter :)

Thus, not worth pressing the issue for your own Mom, unless you start seeing soda bottles under the sofa :)
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97yroldmom Oct 9, 2020
FF
Such a sweet post.
Hugs
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