Mother with Alzheimer's/Dementia just started hitting her younger children. Any recommendations on what to do?

I have lots to say but I’ll try to make it brief. I’ve been caring for my mom with dementia for 10 yrs. She has gone through hitting phases. Phases because it happens to people who add to the confusion & are forceful making her do things that scare or humiliate her. The way to stop the hitting is to back off before it starts. If they don’t want something try later or just don’t do it. Don’t raise your voice & don’t over talk. Too many words add to confusion. Keep words brief, to the point, matter of fact & with a happy tone. Elderly can also be extremely modest. Don’t wipe them down unless you absolutely have to. You can add a bidet attachment that washes them if they have diarrhea. Watch their food intake & fiber so that rarely happens. The bidet helps a lot & is just for a minute, leaving their privacy intact. My mother has been fine for 2 yrs of incontinence this way. I put a little powder in the pull ups to prevent a rash. When they start to hit, tell them “no, that’s not nice” but learn from it. They need to be treated with dignity otherwise the control placed over them leaves them defensive in fear. If they’re not put in that position everything is much more peaceful. They also don’t have to stand partially or entirely unclothed ever. You can dress them with them having complete privacy on the toilet. Taking the socks, pants, pull ups off while they’re sitting & dressing the bottom half. Then pull up the shirt to replace it with a fresh one. I let my mom wear her bras longterm. After all, their peace is what matters most. They don’t sweat much creating bacteria, you can use body wipes on their arms & legs instead of showers/tubs. You can use a no rinse shampoo. It’s enough for them. I’ve never had to see her naked & our system is working. Hospice comes out once every 2 wks to check & sit with her while I run errands. Her physical hygeine is in great shape without any wipe downs or showers/baths. People with Alzheimer’s/dementia are in a terminal state so just be gentle, never pushy & do the least evasive things to just make sure they stay clean enough to not have skin issues. Follow their lead & only do what they’re ok with at that moment & they won’t have a reason to hit anyone. They’ll smile more & so will you!

Please know it’s never okay to accept abuse no matter what the cause is, and while it’s true that your mother can’t control her behavior, it doesn’t mean anyone needs to put themselves in the path of it. Your first step is her doctor to see if there are meds to calm her behavior. And then to get professional help, either in home or in memory care, to help care for her. In an entirely different set of circumstances, we had professional care for both my parents and I was amazed by the tricks of the trade the caregivers had, things they knew to do that we’d never have known. Their skills and knowledge was invaluable. I’m sorry you’re in this place with your mom and hope you’ll find a new plan soon

Mom needs placement, ASAP. At the very least she needs calming meds.

Will add to previous advice that if this is a sudden change in mental status, she should be checked for a UTI.

Truthfully, if she actually inflicts physical pain on others, the only two alternatives available for her care are a trial of calming medication or residential placement.

No matter how much you offer to pay, it would be VERY DIFFICULT to find someone who would do toileting and monitoring while having to deal with being assaulted physically.

Are her present targets afraid of her outbursts?

Keep in mind that her personality prior to her illness has NOTHING to do with what she is doing now. At this point, she is operating with a brain that is becoming progressively more and more dysfunctional.

As painful as it is, you cannot expect her to control herself or her reactions.

You have clearly tried everything possible to honor your mother, but perhaps it’s time to consider whether she’d prefer you to continue your present care plan or to consider another level of care.

Anyone else think it is amazing that all 7 children are caring for their mother? I’m assuming everyone is an adult by now. That’s incredible! It attests to the closeness of your family (and the organizational skills to keep everyone updated on your Mom’s status)! Kudos to you! (But also don’t be afraid to seek out a good care facility if that’s what’s needed.)

Im not sure about the hitting issue. Alzheimer’s is very difficult. I like the idea of trying to distract her. But, definitely talk with her doctor about it. Maybe it’s caused by anxiety, but maybe not.

Good luck 💕

Your Mom is showing violent tendencies. You need to contact her neurologist and see if she can be given something. If it doesn't help, it maybe time to place her.

Why does she need an OT therapist. They help with ADLs. You Mom probably doesn't remember from day to day what the therapist has told her. You dress her? You bathe her? You cook for her? Laundry? So where does she need someone to show her how to do her ADLs? You probably do it all. I let Moms go. The Physical Therapist showed her how to use her walker. I did everything else for her. It wasn't like she had a stroke and had to be taught how do do things all over again. PT I can see but even then with Dementia they forget the exercises or are hard to teach.

Seven people who will remember their mother at her absolute worst..... Time for placement, I think.

I don't know if this would be possible for a family working on a relay basis as you all are - and such credit to you! - but what we'd do is make your mother a 2:1 call, which means have two people at a time supporting her. One person distracts her, engages her in talking, perhaps washes her hands (which would also keep them busy!), while the other person tackles the other end.

This assumes that you've already explored what might be upsetting her? Plus, it is important to give her a running commentary on what's happening so that she isn't startled or frightened by any part of the washing routine. "I'm going to take this pad away, is that all right?" "Let's get this soiling off your skin, okay?" "I just need to make sure your skin is dry and comfy." etc etc etc.

I also have to assume that what the OT meant is to come back to the task if she's upset, and meanwhile just do what can be done. So, for example, take any wet/soiled pad away and put a clean one under her, then come back to proper cleaning and drying after a bit of a break; that kind of thing. The principle that if the client says stop, you stop is correct; but of course it doesn't mean that you give up altogether!

Unless she’s truly filthy, don’t bathe her when she objects. Clean up her behind on the toilet as necessary with a bidet wand (they sell them as attachments for a regular toilet).

It’s not worth the fight to give her a shower when she’s not in the mood for it.

I know elderly people with dementia who have gone years without bathing.

If she has the resources, consider a memory care community. They’ll take care of the ‘maintenance’ stuff and you can go back to having a more pleasant, non-confrontational relationship with your mom.

If she doesn’t have the resources, talk with an elder law attorney about spending her assets down so she can qualify for a Medicaid nursing home when her care becomes too much to handle at home.