Mother wants to drive again. Thoughts?

Don't be so sure she won't succeed in getting her license back. My then 89 year old Mom still living in an independent living ranch townhouse (moved out of assisted living but that's another story), wanted to drive again, I told her I would not take her for the test and since she didn't have a car any longer it would be too expensive to buy another car and pay for insurance. Well, she didn't take no for an answer. She befriended a younger woman at a meeting who drove her out to the DMV to get her learners permit. Then she called a driving school and paid for lessons. They took her to the DMV for the actual driving test in their vehicle. I guess she flunked the first time and they took her back for a second time and she passed. Then she called a car dealer she knew and told them she wanted to buy a used car, "a cute little car". The obliged and brought a car for her to purchase to her home. It was a small Fiat convertible that she just loved. $5,000 down and financed the rest at some exorbitant interest rate. Of course at the same time she began to pay her bills by herself again, so I wouldn't see the checkbook. All this was done without my knowledge and behind my back. I blamed this young woman (who I think was a gold digger) for even taking her to get the permit. She knew that I didn't approve but my manipulating mother convinced her to do it. When I came over to visit and wanted to exit the house through the garage, she just said oh use the front door, something is wrong with the garage door. The car was sitting in the garage the whole time. She eventually broke down and told me what she had done, I was flabbergasted. Anyway, she got into an accident (who would have thunk it?) and broke 2 ribs and totaled the car. That was the beginning of the end, she began falling, had problems walking, got Shingles, and on and on. She died from a fall in the house that broke her hip and shattered her shoulder. This was 9 months of hell after the car accident. So YES, it can happen and it was a nightmare.

My husband hasn't drive in at least two years because he has lost so much vision. He agreed that he will not drive again and I finally removed him from our insurance policy a year ago. A few months after doing that he commented that he thought he could drive again. I didn't say anything and after a while he said no. He shouldn't drive anymore. I've been doing most of the driving for the past four years but he would occasionally make a trip to get his hair cut or to our daughter's home a couple miles away or the dentist. I can count those trips on one hand. It's just frustrating dealing with the fixation. I've had those issues with him, too. I suppose at his world gets smaller and smaller he has less to think about. I just pray and pray for patience. I commiserate with you, sister!

For me this was easy, well as much as anything can be with dimensia. My mother's license expired. I told her I couldn't get new one until she could give me the money since I didn't have it. That made sense to her so end of it.
Of course that may not be as easy for others so may I suggest u start off by giving her a driver's handbook to read through, if that doesn't detour give her mock test to see if she can pass, if not... problem solved probably unhappily but won't be your fault. Darn DMV.😉 It's a matter of picking your battles. My sister in law told me her father "kicked her out of the house weekly" because she wouldn't take him to get his. I chose the easier battle less stressful for all of us. Again even though prepared I got lucky on this one. Good luck to you.

It's not going to happen, even if she can get herself to the DMV. Don't fight with her over this. Ask her when she wants to go, and set up an appointment far in advance. If she forgets about her appointment and misses it, then make another one. Try not to stress over these things. Try diversionary tactics to get her thinking about other things. She's probably bored being so bed-bound and wheel-chair bound. Can she get involved in some activities with other seniors? Thoughts about driving are probably like some dementia ideas of "going home." They are symbolic and represent freedom and the time when things were better and she was independent. Be sure you are getting breaks from caregiving. You sound like you need a break.

As you know she fixates on things and it passes, it sounds as though the issue is more with you getting anxious than what she is doing. Is there something you can do away from the situation that would help you learn relaxation techniques for when you do have to be with her - perhaps joining a yoga class, or something else you enjoy. Try putting her out of your mind for a period so you can get some relaxation.
Although you say her dementia is not progressing and is only slight this sounds at odds with her behaviour which does not sound like "slight" dementia. Perhaps another assessment of her dementia by her Doctor would be worth while.

I would get her checked for a UTI if this is a new obsession (sorry, just read that it isn’t) or she’s seems more fired up than typical in the last few days. My dad (also bedridden) has grandiose ideas (about needing to save the world) when he gets UTI’s. And he’s obsessive and gets angry if you don’t cooperates. Sounds similar.

Most of us have recognized this as “I think I’ll plan to participate in the Olympics” - fun idea, can’t happen, won’t happen. NEXT TOPIC!

But for YOU, aj6044? Have you given any thought to why this particular focus is causing YOU the unfair degree of stress?

I disagree with those saying to "let her go". This volunteers a burden on you and others and should be avoided. Instead I would say, "Ok, but I can't take you today, but we can go (tomorrow? next week?)" and see if she remembers the next day. Or, you can say, "Ok, let's call your doctor to get an approval so that you can take the test. The doctor said she'll be putting the form in the mail". Then redirect the conversation to something pleasant.

Therapeutic fibs are morally acceptable and often work really well. Best not to argue "reality" with her -- it's pointless and stress-inducing for both of you. I do this with my 99-yr old aunt who sundowns every afternoon and fixates on "going home". I say, "Ok, but first would you please go to the mailbox with me?" (yes) Then, "Would you please help me fold this pile of towels?" (yes)... etc. Then before you know it, it's dinner time and she's stopped fixating. You do what's least stress inducing, less inconveniencing and most safe.

She’s dreaming! It will never happen in a million years! I wonder how she would react if you said, “Okay, Mom! Let’s go get your license.”

I agree, let her go..... Go with her. In most states once you get a certain age the DMV clerk can withhold a license if the person's overall general health would make it impossible for them to drive. They can require the person to go to a doctor for a full physical exam, vision screening etc. before they can even get a license. They can also require a mental health check. Do a little research on this first for your particular state. If she does go she will come back either mad as hell or silent and sullen.

Let her go. First of all, at least in my state, you need an appointment for DMV (Covid). The appointment must be made online, and they are booking months out. Second, even if she could just waltz in to the DMV, she would still need an appointment to take the test. Third, at least in NY, you need to be driven to the test site by a licensed driver, in a properly registered and insured vehicle, and be driven home by a licensed driver. DMV does not provide test cars. You need to arrive in one.

If she can successfully navigate all of these hoops independently, plus pass the written and eye tests, and provide proof of insurance, more power to her!

If she has had her license lapse for over a couple of years, she would need to start all over with a learner's permit and all of the required classroom hours.

Thoughts stuck in a loop. I call this 'bees in a bonnet'.

Teepa Snow describes 'emerald' stage like that, on the go, either actions or thoughts. Check out her videos & webpages for caring for 'emerald' type behaviour - especially how to redirect.

Another active response may be to reminisce over driving holidays, look at old photos, or watch a golden oldie road film (remember It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World? Great stuff!)

A passive idea may be to just smile, nod, ah-huh OK Mom.

Is the feeling more that you need to fix this driving problem for her? If so, if you can find a way to let go of that, that it is not yours to solve, it will become easier to tolerate the thought loops.

Put on Youtube and search for Car crash compilations to show her. That may make her drop the notion of wanting to drive again.

Your comment about the Home Health people puts me in mind of a very famous (possibly apocryphal) end-of-training report on one officer cadet:

"His men will follow him anywhere - if only out of curiosity."

Even in the improbable event that your mother does follow through and does demand to be escorted to the DMV and is (correctly, I would have to remind you) supported in her wish by the HHAs, that's still leaves her a very long way from being back on the road, doesn't it?

So... if you just make cheerful but non-committal noises to humour her, there isn't a substantial risk of any harm coming to anyone, is there?

Given that "My mom hasn't driven in over 7 years. She hasn't walked in 4 years. She stopped being able to transfer into a car about 1-2 years ago. She's completely bound to a wheelchair or bed", how will she show up at the DMV, in a car, to take a driving test????

Don't stress over things that will never happen. Do know, however, that all dementia progresses...........not necessarily on a schedule, or quickly, but it does progress. Your mother's dementia may be a tad worse than the 'slight' case you think it is if she's insisting on driving again when she's totally wheelchair and/or bedbound these days.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation.

Let her take her little scooter to the DMV. She will quickly learn that she's way over her head here, and it will give the folks at the DMV, a chuckle as they explain that she needs a car to take a drivers exam.
You need to quit stressing over these minor bumps in the road, or you will end up with stress related health issues. You must learn to pick your battles. This one just isn't worth it. Best wishes.

Well...at least here in Illinois you have to show up IN a car in order to take a drivers test. At least the Road test. The written is done on computer.
So if she gets on the bus and gets to the DMV she will not be able to get a license.
Personally I would not worry that she can get a license.
You could call and ask what the policy is where you are but I am sure it is the same anywhere. They just don't have "extra cars" to let people use. She also may have to show proof of insurance as well.
And many places now require that you make an appointment for a test. So again if she shows up without an appointment they will not give her a written or road test.