Mother wants to drive again. Thoughts?

Well...at least here in Illinois you have to show up IN a car in order to take a drivers test. At least the Road test. The written is done on computer.
So if she gets on the bus and gets to the DMV she will not be able to get a license.
Personally I would not worry that she can get a license.
You could call and ask what the policy is where you are but I am sure it is the same anywhere. They just don't have "extra cars" to let people use. She also may have to show proof of insurance as well.
And many places now require that you make an appointment for a test. So again if she shows up without an appointment they will not give her a written or road test.

Let her take her little scooter to the DMV. She will quickly learn that she's way over her head here, and it will give the folks at the DMV, a chuckle as they explain that she needs a car to take a drivers exam.
You need to quit stressing over these minor bumps in the road, or you will end up with stress related health issues. You must learn to pick your battles. This one just isn't worth it. Best wishes.

Given that "My mom hasn't driven in over 7 years. She hasn't walked in 4 years. She stopped being able to transfer into a car about 1-2 years ago. She's completely bound to a wheelchair or bed", how will she show up at the DMV, in a car, to take a driving test????

Don't stress over things that will never happen. Do know, however, that all dementia progresses...........not necessarily on a schedule, or quickly, but it does progress. Your mother's dementia may be a tad worse than the 'slight' case you think it is if she's insisting on driving again when she's totally wheelchair and/or bedbound these days.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation.

Your comment about the Home Health people puts me in mind of a very famous (possibly apocryphal) end-of-training report on one officer cadet:

"His men will follow him anywhere - if only out of curiosity."

Even in the improbable event that your mother does follow through and does demand to be escorted to the DMV and is (correctly, I would have to remind you) supported in her wish by the HHAs, that's still leaves her a very long way from being back on the road, doesn't it?

So... if you just make cheerful but non-committal noises to humour her, there isn't a substantial risk of any harm coming to anyone, is there?

Put on Youtube and search for Car crash compilations to show her. That may make her drop the notion of wanting to drive again.

Thoughts stuck in a loop. I call this 'bees in a bonnet'.

Teepa Snow describes 'emerald' stage like that, on the go, either actions or thoughts. Check out her videos & webpages for caring for 'emerald' type behaviour - especially how to redirect.

Another active response may be to reminisce over driving holidays, look at old photos, or watch a golden oldie road film (remember It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World? Great stuff!)

A passive idea may be to just smile, nod, ah-huh OK Mom.

Is the feeling more that you need to fix this driving problem for her? If so, if you can find a way to let go of that, that it is not yours to solve, it will become easier to tolerate the thought loops.

Let her go. First of all, at least in my state, you need an appointment for DMV (Covid). The appointment must be made online, and they are booking months out. Second, even if she could just waltz in to the DMV, she would still need an appointment to take the test. Third, at least in NY, you need to be driven to the test site by a licensed driver, in a properly registered and insured vehicle, and be driven home by a licensed driver. DMV does not provide test cars. You need to arrive in one.

If she can successfully navigate all of these hoops independently, plus pass the written and eye tests, and provide proof of insurance, more power to her!

If she has had her license lapse for over a couple of years, she would need to start all over with a learner's permit and all of the required classroom hours.

I agree, let her go..... Go with her. In most states once you get a certain age the DMV clerk can withhold a license if the person's overall general health would make it impossible for them to drive. They can require the person to go to a doctor for a full physical exam, vision screening etc. before they can even get a license. They can also require a mental health check. Do a little research on this first for your particular state. If she does go she will come back either mad as hell or silent and sullen.

She’s dreaming! It will never happen in a million years! I wonder how she would react if you said, “Okay, Mom! Let’s go get your license.”

I disagree with those saying to "let her go". This volunteers a burden on you and others and should be avoided. Instead I would say, "Ok, but I can't take you today, but we can go (tomorrow? next week?)" and see if she remembers the next day. Or, you can say, "Ok, let's call your doctor to get an approval so that you can take the test. The doctor said she'll be putting the form in the mail". Then redirect the conversation to something pleasant.

Therapeutic fibs are morally acceptable and often work really well. Best not to argue "reality" with her -- it's pointless and stress-inducing for both of you. I do this with my 99-yr old aunt who sundowns every afternoon and fixates on "going home". I say, "Ok, but first would you please go to the mailbox with me?" (yes) Then, "Would you please help me fold this pile of towels?" (yes)... etc. Then before you know it, it's dinner time and she's stopped fixating. You do what's least stress inducing, less inconveniencing and most safe.

Most of us have recognized this as “I think I’ll plan to participate in the Olympics” - fun idea, can’t happen, won’t happen. NEXT TOPIC!

But for YOU, aj6044? Have you given any thought to why this particular focus is causing YOU the unfair degree of stress?

I would get her checked for a UTI if this is a new obsession (sorry, just read that it isn’t) or she’s seems more fired up than typical in the last few days. My dad (also bedridden) has grandiose ideas (about needing to save the world) when he gets UTI’s. And he’s obsessive and gets angry if you don’t cooperates. Sounds similar.

As you know she fixates on things and it passes, it sounds as though the issue is more with you getting anxious than what she is doing. Is there something you can do away from the situation that would help you learn relaxation techniques for when you do have to be with her - perhaps joining a yoga class, or something else you enjoy. Try putting her out of your mind for a period so you can get some relaxation.
Although you say her dementia is not progressing and is only slight this sounds at odds with her behaviour which does not sound like "slight" dementia. Perhaps another assessment of her dementia by her Doctor would be worth while.

It's not going to happen, even if she can get herself to the DMV. Don't fight with her over this. Ask her when she wants to go, and set up an appointment far in advance. If she forgets about her appointment and misses it, then make another one. Try not to stress over these things. Try diversionary tactics to get her thinking about other things. She's probably bored being so bed-bound and wheel-chair bound. Can she get involved in some activities with other seniors? Thoughts about driving are probably like some dementia ideas of "going home." They are symbolic and represent freedom and the time when things were better and she was independent. Be sure you are getting breaks from caregiving. You sound like you need a break.

For me this was easy, well as much as anything can be with dimensia. My mother's license expired. I told her I couldn't get new one until she could give me the money since I didn't have it. That made sense to her so end of it.
Of course that may not be as easy for others so may I suggest u start off by giving her a driver's handbook to read through, if that doesn't detour give her mock test to see if she can pass, if not... problem solved probably unhappily but won't be your fault. Darn DMV.😉 It's a matter of picking your battles. My sister in law told me her father "kicked her out of the house weekly" because she wouldn't take him to get his. I chose the easier battle less stressful for all of us. Again even though prepared I got lucky on this one. Good luck to you.

My husband hasn't drive in at least two years because he has lost so much vision. He agreed that he will not drive again and I finally removed him from our insurance policy a year ago. A few months after doing that he commented that he thought he could drive again. I didn't say anything and after a while he said no. He shouldn't drive anymore. I've been doing most of the driving for the past four years but he would occasionally make a trip to get his hair cut or to our daughter's home a couple miles away or the dentist. I can count those trips on one hand. It's just frustrating dealing with the fixation. I've had those issues with him, too. I suppose at his world gets smaller and smaller he has less to think about. I just pray and pray for patience. I commiserate with you, sister!

Don't be so sure she won't succeed in getting her license back. My then 89 year old Mom still living in an independent living ranch townhouse (moved out of assisted living but that's another story), wanted to drive again, I told her I would not take her for the test and since she didn't have a car any longer it would be too expensive to buy another car and pay for insurance. Well, she didn't take no for an answer. She befriended a younger woman at a meeting who drove her out to the DMV to get her learners permit. Then she called a driving school and paid for lessons. They took her to the DMV for the actual driving test in their vehicle. I guess she flunked the first time and they took her back for a second time and she passed. Then she called a car dealer she knew and told them she wanted to buy a used car, "a cute little car". The obliged and brought a car for her to purchase to her home. It was a small Fiat convertible that she just loved. $5,000 down and financed the rest at some exorbitant interest rate. Of course at the same time she began to pay her bills by herself again, so I wouldn't see the checkbook. All this was done without my knowledge and behind my back. I blamed this young woman (who I think was a gold digger) for even taking her to get the permit. She knew that I didn't approve but my manipulating mother convinced her to do it. When I came over to visit and wanted to exit the house through the garage, she just said oh use the front door, something is wrong with the garage door. The car was sitting in the garage the whole time. She eventually broke down and told me what she had done, I was flabbergasted. Anyway, she got into an accident (who would have thunk it?) and broke 2 ribs and totaled the car. That was the beginning of the end, she began falling, had problems walking, got Shingles, and on and on. She died from a fall in the house that broke her hip and shattered her shoulder. This was 9 months of hell after the car accident. So YES, it can happen and it was a nightmare.

My mom does the same. Thinks she can drive but no longer has the cognitive ability to do so. No safety awareness whatsoever, would be lost quickly, and can’t remember much. Big danger to herself and others.

Ignore her comments, smile a lot, and redirect/divert like crazy. Talk with the home health agency and let them know under no circumstances are they to put her in a car or allow her to leave unassisted, at least without contacting you first.

Sounds like time to consider moving her to a good assisted living facility very close to you. Check with her doctor about her diagnosis - see if they will give her a mini cog and determine her level of competency at this point.

I pray you have DPOA and GPOA. If not, see an attorney about what you can legally do to help her.

Check out www.TeepaSnow.com and the Alzheimer’s Association for great help and advice. Don’t try to take this journey on your own.you need all the support and advice you can get.

Such a difficult situation. I know…

Blessings to you

This has happened now and then with my mom but seems to be happening more often lately. My brother just says “no Mom that’s not happening” my response is “do you really think it would be a good idea?” She will ask why not and I will tell her that I don’t think her reaction time is good enough after the stroke and or her eyes aren’t good enough right now (she’s getting injections in them to pull fluid/inflammation off) then I say “ but if you want to I will set up that special test you need to take” she doesn’t want to drive badly enough to do that. The test I’m referring to is one they refer stroke, brain injury and other victims of major medical issues who need PT and have not been cleared to drive by their doctor or PT. It was offered by my moms speech therapist when she was rehabbing her aphasia after the stroke. Somewhere in there as much as she wants to drive and wants to believe she can become more independent again she knows that ship has sailed and she doesn’t really want proof. I try to let her decide though that she shouldn’t be driving with some gentle guidance. The other tact we took back before we got rid of her car was that if she should have an accident wether or not it’s even her fault we her children could be sued because we knew she had had a stroke, hadn’t been cleared by a doctor and allowed her to drive, that often gave her a way out because she didn’t want to cause us any trouble, hahahaha.

As someone else said driving is such a symbol of our freedom even for someone who can navigate getting around easily without the ability it’s hard to accept giving it up. For your mom it must be even more frustrating and even frightening not to be able to even get on her scooter without help but if it comes to it maybe you will need to let her know that she will need to prove she can get to the car, transfer herself and work the pedals/controls all on her own before taking the road test, maybe she can do this but maybe she knows she can’t she just hasn’t thought about all of that before being able to actually drive. Sometimes we forget there are steps that lead to the activity we know we can do…

Arguing with her wl cause her to fixate more on proving you wrong. I agree with one of the other posts. Set the appointment up for her to take the test, keep her mind on other things if she misses reset the appointment. Make sure mom has all her necessary papers together just in case she remembers. If she can't transfer from her wheelchair to a regular chair it is my guess she won't be able to get her license to drive. Maybe if she fails on her own she will realize you are right, or she may become more agitated. Best wishes, I hope for the best.

Keep giving her reasons not to go to the DMV: COVID has DMV closed, it's not open because of staff training, it's a holiday.... Also try diverting her to another subject or activity. If she gets agitated, talk to her doctor about a very mild anti-anxiety agent.

Driving seems to be the last control on freedom. I agree that telling her, sure let's make an appointment to get a license will appease her for a time but that does not solve the problem. Don't take the keys away, take the car away. Period. Ask your mother this question - would you like to explain to another person how you killed their loved one with your car? Would you rather spend the last years of your life knowing that you have killed or injured another person with your car? Because that is what people will remember you for when you are gone. They will forget all of the great and wonderful things you did in your lifetime and remember only that one tragic decision you made to drive when you should have given the keys and your car to another.

The DMV office is closed for renovations. The DMV office is closed due to Covid. The DMV office closed down and can you believe the nearest one is 40 miles away. Pick one a day.

They do get fixated as stages of dementia advance. Arguing only makes it worse. Let her just talk because you know her driving will never happen. Maybe talk about favorite places she used to drive.

Your anxiety is the issue right now. I try to think of a "script" to respond with or just change the conversation.

Both my aunt and my mom have dementia so believe me I know about anxiety and stress. I do a short yoga routine every morning and a bible podcast every night. Do something that brings you peace. Pray before a visit with her.

I feel your pain but she will not change.

Wishing you peace and calm.

AJ, I am sorry to point out the obvious, but she may have passed into a more advanced level of dementia. She's completely unable to drive but is insisting on going to the DMV.
Although, the fact that she knows about the DMV is a complicating issue.

I agree, the issue here is your anxiety over all of this. Who is on your team, ie, do you have a therapist? They can help you problem solve for how to deal with your mom. They are objective; you are emotional. It might help a lot.

Maybe this will help?

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/redirect-a-loved-one-with-dementia

being fixated on something is a sign of increasing dementia. My mom had this thing for locks to the point of mania. She would unlock everything. The only way I "fixed" this was to take her to the park every single day and I used a specialized walker and she would walk a quarter of a mile everyday--like magic she would be calm. Mom was bedridden the last 3 months of her life. She literally forgot how to stand and could not focus on that task. Keeping her moving preserved her ability to walk for years.

I'm sorry your mom lost her mobility. She lost a lot--and it makes caregiving a lot more difficult. I had to induce a bowel movement three times a week or mom would get impacted. Like clockwork -- and she did it in bed because she was unable to get up. THAT is why I kept her moving as long as I could as I walked her daily for five years. If it was raining outside I would take her to an indoor parking lot and literally counted 1,000 steps which was the equivalent to 1/4 a mile. Although it was owned by the city I really was not supposed to do that--BUT nobody said anything, and I HAD to walk my mom to keep her moving. The parking lot was under camera but I think the city understood so nobody said anything.

Mom died age 90 and 3 months. Among her host of chronic illnesses in addition to severe Alzheimer's, was insulin dependent diabetes, hypertension, rheumatoid arthritis (she has the RA factor), hyperlipidemia (due to diabetes BUT I could not give her statins due to her liver disease), chronic kidney disease and liver disease. It's pretty rare someone with insulin dependent diabetes to last that long but of all litany of her illnesses, I kept her sugar in perfect control. I knew what to do with her insulin like clockwork and mom died with perfect skin and TWO YEARS on hospice. Not once did she ever need psychotropics or narcotics. The best treatment for RA is keep them moving. and meat is the worse thing. A feeding tube kept her comfortable (that takes TONS of care--she forgot how to eat and drink and that was a struggle in itself), so she did not die of dehydration--and she died from the complications of her IDDM -- Alzheimer's did not kill her at all. TWO years on hospice.

OH GOD I miss mom. She was my life.

What I did was to call DMV and asked them if I could bring her in and then they would ask her a couple of questions then denied her a license. My mom was 90 at the time.

You may have the Dr give her a urine tests because sometimes it can be a UTI Urinary Tract Infection to make them act like that.

The problem is not so much your Mom's fixation, but the anxiety it's causing YOU. It "drives me bananas" and it's "making me anxious as hell". You say your Mom has slight dementia and it's not progressing. I think that's a mistake to think that. Dementia just doesn't halt; it progresses. I'm going to be honest here. My Mom also started to fixate on things periodically that would "drive me nuts". She would do things obviously dangerous to her (like repeatedly buying throw rugs to put around the house, go up and down the basement stairs "backwards" holding onto the railings to steady herself to do the laundry, trying to drag a hose off the hose reel to water her garden, etc). She also had "slight" dementia.

What helped ME cope with her behavior was visiting MY doctor. He prescribed a very small dose of Xanax that I took in the morning before visiting my Mom for the day. It took the edge off my anxiety and helped me calmly interact with Mom and appropriately distract her fixation on whatever. My brother lived with her and he was just passive aggressive and either ignored what she wanted or gave into her demands to take her shopping (so she could get more throw rugs, etc). I also had an understanding husband of 40 years to vent to. Caregiving the elderly is not easy. My longtime PCP understood that. I am and always have been a worrier (anxious) and caring for my Mom for 10 years kicked that into high gear. She's been gone 5 years now and I still have my prescription. I rarely take it, but I know when upcoming events will trigger my anxiety and stress, I will preemptively take one pill.

I'm not saying everyone should take pharmaceuticals but that is what worked/works for me. Make an appt with your doctor and ask his advice. Talk therapy alone wasn't doing it for me. Elderly people want to do what they want to do, not realizing it's no longer physically or mentally possible. We caregivers must adjust OUR reactions to THEIR perceived reality. Hugs to you.

If she has dementia, she can't drive. Ask her how she is going to get in and out of car? How is she going to use foot pedals? Just keep asking questions and entertain her thoughts.