Mother wants to drive again. Thoughts?

What you want to stop is actually you saying "I want to learn how to manage my overwhelm, anxiety, fears, etc." so I can be centered and calm to communicate with my mother" while managing my own health needs and well being."

* Clearly, she won't change because her brain will not allow her to.
* You need to learn to take breaks / how to manage your overwhelm, learn what your triggers are and take action as soon as you are aware they are activating.
* While you may believe it is 'slight' dementia, it sounds much more serious than that to me and/or other brain functioning deterioration is going on. You need to find out / to educate yourself so you can understand how to manage how you feel / communicate with your mom.
* I understand it is 'a broken record.' We all go through it in our unique ways with our elders - family or friend. I do believe the 'best' way to handle it is to learn to give yourself SELF-COMPASSION and then be aware to give this to your mom - practice.
* It is important to learn how to 're-direct' her attention when she gets fixated. Say, okay I understand, and then change the subject/her focus. This is what medical professionals do in a memory care unit ('redirect' + engage). It is a learned behavior so give yourself time and self-support while practicing.
* And, I believe the 'best' way for anyone to manage this is to take breaks and learn how and what you need for 'self-care' = so you limit or stop the 'drives me bananas' which is more than understandable.
Gena / Touch Matters

Where is the car and where are the keys? How about removing both with the guise of 'borrowing' the car for a few days.

I'm coming to this question a little late, as there are already some good responses. This type of desire is so common among older people who have lost their independence...whether they are far into dementia or just a little bit. My father did not have much dementia, but he had lost his judgment about himself to some extent - thinking he was more capable than he really was. His repeated desire was to "buy a little house" and live in it. He'd talk about how he could afford it and get some of the nice women (from the assisted living) to work for him there to help him out. This, of course, was not realistic, as I would have to help him arrange all of it and I'd be the one in trouble if one of the caregivers didn't show up or quit. It worried me a little and I'd feel badly for him being stuck in a more institutional living situation. BUT, I know it wasn't something possible. I'd usually just acknowledge the desire - like "That would be really nice, wouldn't it?" "It would be great to have your own place again." Fortunately, my dad wasn't so fixated that this repeated and repeated, it was just every so often. If the person repeats a LOT, I'd suggest an appt. with a geriatric psychiatrist and/or her neurologist to discuss symptoms and symptom relief. That sort of repeated fixation may be a sign of the patient's anxiety and might be relieved by some low-dose medication.

I suggest deferring. I’m sure you are already a master at this. I told my mom that the car was broken, and we were waiting for mechanic.

If you know “realistically she’ll never drive again” it isn’t about driving. It might be useful to figure out what’s really causing the anxiety.

In the meantime, I share my husband’s gift: “Duck.” It’s a reminder to let frustration/angst run off my back like rain slides off a duck’s back so the duck stays dry.

Find husband, say “duck” and he understands all in a single word.

Husband says “duck” and I have an ally.

I do deep breathing with a “duck, duck, duck” mantra to restore inner calm (before the d’s become f’s … just sayin’)

I went through this with both my parents. Until the day my Dad died he was determined he was going to drive again. My mother keeps asking for her car. She is on the dementia unit in a Nursing Home. I just agree with her and say the car is right out in the parking lot. Then I change the subject. She also can’t stand or move about when in a wheelchair. I know there is no chance and when Dad was alive get to a car. Stop worrying. It is best to just agree and change the subject. My Dad was the worst because he had been an auto mechanic but had Parkinson’s so was unable to attach the battery cable when he was still somewhat mobile.

Perhaps, you could agree with her that it would be nice if she could drive, BUT first she needs to make sure that her legs are strong enough. Could she get PT for strengthening and then would she realize that she cannot drive?

well first i would let the home health care people know to NEVER put her in her scooter so that she could possible leave, give them instructions that you need to be contacted first before they can do anything. if this doesn't satisfy her, then they need to tell her that the DMV is temporarily closed due to the virus (which in some cases, those places are closed). It sounds like she should not be in a scooter where she can get out of the house at all. Can someone put her in a car and drive her somewhere just to get out of the house? like a drive in the countryside, etc. and better find some kind of release because if she has beginnings of dementia (even though you say its not getting worse).....it could be especially if she is fixating on things to no end. it will get worse as their mind takes a detour in another route and might be lost there for an hour or so on the same subject. wishing you luck.

Can you just disable the car? Tell her the car is broken and can’t be repaired.

Driving means freedom and independence, I remember 16 as a coming of age. Even oldsters see it as freedom and independence and as rebellion against the youngsters.

I hope she doesn't end up at DMV - such a toll on you - but the DMV people would probably talk about it for a long time.

Remind her that her doc said she was no longer able to drive (whether he actually said it or not.) I basically badgered my father into giving up driving - I brought up the subject a lot as mom wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole (talk about passive/aggressive payback). Anyway he finally voluntarily gave up driving and the race was on to donate the car. However for the next 2 years he complained that I made him stop driving. He brought the subject up to his dr and her response was "Richard, we talked about you driving." That didn't stop his complaints. After 2 years he finally stopped the complaints.

Ahhhh - good times! (LOL)

PS. Sorry but my whackadoodle sense of humor sees your mom at DMV being graded on her scooter driving - what happens if she flunks that? - Sorry just had to share.

Tell her you can't take a bus to the dmv because you have to have your car with you to do the test. Tell her they won't give the test to her because she can't walk. Or ask her questions to think about - You haven't been walking in a long time, do you think you can walk to the living room right now? Can you walk to the car? Do some leg exercises to see if you can get strong enough to walk and then we'll talk about dmv. Do your best to change subject or get her to say she can't walk to the car, so can't drive a car. Maybe even toss in a little danger to the conversation - what if your legs didn't work well when you tried to stop and you ran over someone? Wouldn't that be horrible???

I assume she only uses the scooter to get around inside the house, right?? If she can get out the front door on it, I would definitely block that path so she can't go outside.

aj6044: Imho, her brain (even though she only has "slight dementia") may no longer possess the capacity to recognize that #1 She hasn't driven in 7 years and the much LARGER factor #2 She hasn't walked in 4 years! She hasn't considered the fact of how she would even get to the bus stop or how she would navigate upright to get on or off the bus. Perhaps her statement is nothing more than a fanciful hope.

I have learned so much from the Caretakers zoom meeting that I attend .. My man, in his reality, believes he can drive again , too . I let him know I heard him and response with “ it might take a long time to schedule an appointment . Then change the subject.. It usually is enough for him to let go of the thought for a while . Fibs are your friend. There is so much under the surface that does not show when memory issue crop up . It may only look like a mild issue but it might also be dementia. You might want to look up this word . It’s Anosagnosia. I was sure my guy was just in denial but as time past I understand so much better what he is going through . He has lost the person he was . In HIS reality ( with his broken brain ) he truly believes he is fine . He can no longer play golf , he can no longer use a phone or his laptop or the new remote controls. Driving is out of the question and he has balance problems , too. I was so angry with him all the time . The meetings have helped me understand that HE can not change what is happening to him , but I can change how I react to him as he slides down the slippery slope . . I hope this helps . There is help out there , you are not alone .

Call the DMV and ask them how they handle it. I’m sure you’re not the first with this concern. You may be able to put her name on a list of people not to grant a license to, but they might require a doctor’s note to do so. It’s probably all just threats.

You could also offer to take her and then make sure the DMV understands her limitations, pass them a note or something.

I wish you luck. It’s like playing Whack-a-Mole.

This is probably going to sound odd but you probably know her better than anyone else. You need to divert her attention. Tell her something you know will make her angry at you or will surprise her enough that is occupies her thoughts. Nothing diverts the mind more than anger or division or surprise. Something like Mom, was I adopted? Or Mom, have you ever thought about writing a book, you have some very interesting things you could tell. As they say divert, divert, divert.

See if there is any medication that might help. Make sure there is NO way she has access to a car. As to going to the DMV, tell her they are closed for "repairs, renovations", etc. Use excuses. Also tell her if it would help that the doctors will NOT authorize her to drive. For a senior to give up a car is tantamount to a death sentence. It would be for me. I will be 88 and am disabled but I safely do drive and out to eat and go to the store but take the car away from me, and I'd make sure I was gone to my maker within the month. It would kill me and as long as I drive safely and people ask ME to drive when they visit, I will drive. Also you can add major construction on the way to the DMV.

I think her dementia will eventually worsen, and you shouldn't let her drive a car at all, no matter how much she fixates on it. Can you get her a mechanical cart with no motor that she can drive around the yard instead?