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Has your mom always been this way only to a lesser degree or is this new behavior as she has aged?
Why are you not "allowed" to have someone come in and help?
If she is 90 you''be reached the age where you can use some relief. There's nothing wrong in that. You've also reached the age where you should be making your mother's decisions for care--not her. She's not capable of doing it anymore.
Have a quiet dinner to celebrate her birthday--acknowledge it but keep it low key and simple. Ask people to send notes via social media or mail --whatever there's time for and call it a day. I have my MIL a big party at 80 and pulled out all the stops to honor her. We had guests from three states. She was still living alone at the time and driving. After the party literally for three years she blamed the party for her failing health and said if I hadn't given it she'd be better off. Never again. She didn't have dementia --she just wanted to make me feel badly. That's why I asked if your mother had always been demanding. Those behaviors are actually exacurabated by dementia.
Keep it simple -- at 90 she's not up to anything big anyway and get some help in that house for yourself.
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Koko, my mother turned 90 last November. What I did was buy her a couple of gifts. I also bought her a sugar-free cake (diabetic) that she could have with the family at Thanksgiving. It turned out she wouldn't eat any cake, because she said starch turns to sugar, and she stuck the presents in a drawer somewhere. Sigh. But at least I did my part and felt good about it.

Often I read answers on here that sound so good in theory. It is really not as simple as all that. I understand what you are going through. Many people think of a stereotypical type mother when we talk about them. Some of us were blessed with the "Let's Throw Mama from the Train" type mothers. What we can do is the things we think we should so we can look back and know that we did good. We don't have to feel particularly connected to what we're doing. Picking up a gift or going out to dinner are pretty simple things. It may be the best thing to do so you can feel okay about yourself.
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Some posters have reported getting help from a geriatric psychiatrist in medicating a senior that may be suffering from depression as well as whatever else is going on.
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I think it's very helpful for any caretaker, but, especially family members, to learn as much as possible about dementia and how it effects the brain of the patient. Even if you have long standing issues with someone who has dementia, it's not productive to re-hash or try to retaliate for old wounds.

I have read that if you were abused as a child, it's not advisable that you be the primary caretaker of that senior who abused you, if they are now physically or mentally disabled. It makes for an unhealthy environment. I'd seek professional help, if attempting to do that.

Vulnerable and incompetent seniors cannot be held to the same standard as a competent person with no cognitive decline, regardless of their past. Pain from the past, should be addressed with a mental health professionals and not the disabled senior.
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You said it, lealonnie1 - my friend has a narcissistic 94 year old mother, in assisted living, sharp as a razor, and still calling the shots. That F.O.G. thing. Running the poor woman ragged, still! The mother was living on her own just fine till the last couple years and luckily there was a slot open at an AL, and things are ... well, better! It's not all on my friend's head now. Mother likes the place, but she's as mean, self-centered,nasty as ever, lol. (sweet as can be when she wants to be, though!) Some things don't change.
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Dear Koko,
You know what? Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH. A mother who has been nasty and mean for many years is a mother who has been nasty and mean for many years. It's not just 'dementia', it's mean and nasty. Mental & verbal abuse for a whole lifetime does not mean she's had dementia her whole life!! A mother who has never been satisfied her whole life, no matter HOW much is done for her, is a mother who is never satisfied and cannot be pleased. She is a mother who loves to complain and gripe. Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH, and I can sympathize with what you're going through. Sometimes old hurts can never heal, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try. Try to step back and allow yourself to feel aggravated and overwhelmed. Do what you feel you WANT to do with regard to her 90th birthday (mine just celebrated her 90th on 1/20 and yesterday said she wished she had a gun so she could shoot herself). Figure out how to preserve YOUR sanity. I used to call mine twice a day, once on my way to work and again around 8:00 PM. The AM calls were bad enough, but the PM calls were insanity. So I stopped calling twice a day (at the advice of the nursing staff at the ALF), and managed to preserve what's left of my sanity in the process.
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, dear woman. All the best to you as you try to navigate through the mess you're going through.
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Hi Koko,

I could be wrong but it sounds to me that you have not accepted that your Mom has dementia and that you are holding onto old hurts. None of our Mom's were perfect and I believe they did the best they could when they brought us up. My Mom raised 4 kids and it was tough for her as my Dad owned his own business and worked very long hours.

I was the kid that challenged my Mom constantly and in return my Mom abused me verbally (maybe I deserved it, maybe not). The point I am trying to make is there came a time in my life when I decided to forgive my Mom and that gave me peace.

My goodness your Mom is 90 years old, make peace first with yourself and then with your Mom if you are able to. Your Mom is sick and needs your help and she doesn't do the things you described on purpose.

Also, no one can make your life miserable unless you allow it. You are in control of how you react to others. By first accepting that your Mom is sick and can't help herself then maybe, just maybe you can find peace within yourself.

Wishing you and your Mom the best.
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Dear Koko,

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your mom. And you are trying to be a good daughter by remembering her milestone birthday. I know its not easy as our parents get older. If you honestly don't feel like doing anything, I would just leave it. Sometimes its just too emotionally draining. And we all need a break.
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You don't HAVE to make a BFD over this birthday (or anyone over the age of 12's birthday, IMO) . Get a cake at the grocery store, put a candle in it, and a big gaudy card. Have the cake at the end of the meal (your mom's favorite foods), present the card. Done! You've done your part, marked the occasion. That's all I have for the big birthday celebration, others here have given you good advice for other aspects of your life, good luck!
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Dear Koko,
Please understand and accept the fact your mother is your mother and she will NOT change. She has been abusing you mentally and verbally for years. You must find the strength to recognize this unacceptable behavior and stop the enabling. Don't let her do this to you! Please Koko, for your own sanity, seek help. Take mom to an adult day care center. These folks are wonderful, the cost is minimal providing snacks, hot lunches and activities. Drop her off at 7am and pick her up around 5pm. Enjoy the day; go shopping, meet a friend for lunch, clean your house, dance in the rain...whatever. You will feel refreshed, emotionally stronger and much better to cope. Also, check in your area regarding respite care. Most places require a minimum of 2 or 3 weeks stay. Wouldn't that be nice? Perhaps your husband and you could go on a vacation, visit your brother in Chicago, ride the waves on Maui; enjoy time together away from responsibilities and accusations. Also, realize Koko, part of dementia is lying and blaming others. It is quite common as this terrible disease progresses. In my case, I am the sole caregiver of my husband suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 10 years. He is as stubborn as a mule, blames me, or our cat for everything...even when he pees on the floor! Don't argue with a dementia patient. It doesn't do any good and could exasperate the situation and lead them to violence. Walk away and let them rant and rave. Remove yourself from the situation. Another suggestion would be to talk to your mother's doctor. Most health facilities have mental health counselors available that PCP's recommend. The sooner you accept the fact that your mother cannot help the way she acts, you must help yourself keep your sanity. Do NOT feel guilty. And, don't let anyone else make you feel guilty. I worry about you. This is all to common a pattern with caregivers. They slip into a world of acceptance and false acquiescence hoping and praying every day that their situation will go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't Koko unless you are strong enough to make changes. Please keep in touch, but please act. Don't wait until tomorrow. Sometimes tomorrow's never come. Be grateful that you can walk, talk, and make decisions---there are those who cannot. God bless you.
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My difficult hubby turns 65 on Valentine's day. Every year I try to do something really lovely for him....and he could NOT care less. This year, I'm not even going to get him a card. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the hallmark of "crazy".
If your mom is this far gone, I'd just make an nice meal, get a cake and encourage friends and family to "remember her". That's about it. I wouldn't stress it one iota. If I live to 95, I'm sure the last thing I'd care about was the fact I was 95. And just smile through the gritted teeth :)
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All good suggestions. My mother turns 95 tomorrow and has worsening dementia. She lived alone then with us for almost 3 years. My health isn't the best and it was getting difficult. I did have someone coming in twice a week to shower her. If I felt up to going out, we couldn't as we could not leave her alone. I made the difficult decision to place her in a small, residential care home. Luckily, she has the funds to cover this cost. She has adjusted pretty well and I go there to visit at least every other day. She didn't realize tomorrow was her BD. There is really nothing she needs or wants. I got her a nice card and will get her the box of candy she loves. We will take her out to dinner. If your Mom can't go out, have a nice dinner at home or even take her out fir an ice cream. My Mom loves that!!
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Koko, I noticed that you posted about the same kind of behavior 11 months ago and you got some really good suggestions on seeking medical care and help and information on dementia. Were you able to do any of that? I would think that it would be the best help to get her medical care and learn how to validate that she has dementia, if that is the case, and to learn some empathy for her condition. Blaming a person with dementia for their behavior is not really appropriate, as they have brain damage and can't help it.

If you can't manage the care, then tell your family and then explore getting outside help to come in and care for her or find placement for her in a nursing home or assisted living facility. It's a huge job to care for someone with dementia. Maybe, you are overly tired and need a break.
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Koko, your Mother has either Alzheimer's or Dementia.   Study up on everything you can about this memory issue so you will understand what is happening.   Go to the bottom of this page to the blue section, on your left you will see ALZHEIMER'S CARE, click on that to find excellent articles with a lot of suggestions on how to deal with the accusations.   You need to realize that Mom's brain is broken, she can't help what she is saying.

As for your Mom's birthday, have a simple dinner at home with just the 3 of you. Chances are your Mom may not realize it is her birthday.   If relatives want to do something, have them send her cards.
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