My mother is turning 90 next week, but I'm so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. Can someone help?

Koko, your Mother has either Alzheimer's or Dementia.   Study up on everything you can about this memory issue so you will understand what is happening.   Go to the bottom of this page to the blue section, on your left you will see ALZHEIMER'S CARE, click on that to find excellent articles with a lot of suggestions on how to deal with the accusations.   You need to realize that Mom's brain is broken, she can't help what she is saying.

As for your Mom's birthday, have a simple dinner at home with just the 3 of you. Chances are your Mom may not realize it is her birthday.   If relatives want to do something, have them send her cards.

Koko, I noticed that you posted about the same kind of behavior 11 months ago and you got some really good suggestions on seeking medical care and help and information on dementia. Were you able to do any of that? I would think that it would be the best help to get her medical care and learn how to validate that she has dementia, if that is the case, and to learn some empathy for her condition. Blaming a person with dementia for their behavior is not really appropriate, as they have brain damage and can't help it.

If you can't manage the care, then tell your family and then explore getting outside help to come in and care for her or find placement for her in a nursing home or assisted living facility. It's a huge job to care for someone with dementia. Maybe, you are overly tired and need a break.

All good suggestions. My mother turns 95 tomorrow and has worsening dementia. She lived alone then with us for almost 3 years. My health isn't the best and it was getting difficult. I did have someone coming in twice a week to shower her. If I felt up to going out, we couldn't as we could not leave her alone. I made the difficult decision to place her in a small, residential care home. Luckily, she has the funds to cover this cost. She has adjusted pretty well and I go there to visit at least every other day. She didn't realize tomorrow was her BD. There is really nothing she needs or wants. I got her a nice card and will get her the box of candy she loves. We will take her out to dinner. If your Mom can't go out, have a nice dinner at home or even take her out fir an ice cream. My Mom loves that!!

My difficult hubby turns 65 on Valentine's day. Every year I try to do something really lovely for him....and he could NOT care less. This year, I'm not even going to get him a card. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the hallmark of "crazy".
If your mom is this far gone, I'd just make an nice meal, get a cake and encourage friends and family to "remember her". That's about it. I wouldn't stress it one iota. If I live to 95, I'm sure the last thing I'd care about was the fact I was 95. And just smile through the gritted teeth :)

Dear Koko,
Please understand and accept the fact your mother is your mother and she will NOT change. She has been abusing you mentally and verbally for years. You must find the strength to recognize this unacceptable behavior and stop the enabling. Don't let her do this to you! Please Koko, for your own sanity, seek help. Take mom to an adult day care center. These folks are wonderful, the cost is minimal providing snacks, hot lunches and activities. Drop her off at 7am and pick her up around 5pm. Enjoy the day; go shopping, meet a friend for lunch, clean your house, dance in the rain...whatever. You will feel refreshed, emotionally stronger and much better to cope. Also, check in your area regarding respite care. Most places require a minimum of 2 or 3 weeks stay. Wouldn't that be nice? Perhaps your husband and you could go on a vacation, visit your brother in Chicago, ride the waves on Maui; enjoy time together away from responsibilities and accusations. Also, realize Koko, part of dementia is lying and blaming others. It is quite common as this terrible disease progresses. In my case, I am the sole caregiver of my husband suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 10 years. He is as stubborn as a mule, blames me, or our cat for everything...even when he pees on the floor! Don't argue with a dementia patient. It doesn't do any good and could exasperate the situation and lead them to violence. Walk away and let them rant and rave. Remove yourself from the situation. Another suggestion would be to talk to your mother's doctor. Most health facilities have mental health counselors available that PCP's recommend. The sooner you accept the fact that your mother cannot help the way she acts, you must help yourself keep your sanity. Do NOT feel guilty. And, don't let anyone else make you feel guilty. I worry about you. This is all to common a pattern with caregivers. They slip into a world of acceptance and false acquiescence hoping and praying every day that their situation will go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't Koko unless you are strong enough to make changes. Please keep in touch, but please act. Don't wait until tomorrow. Sometimes tomorrow's never come. Be grateful that you can walk, talk, and make decisions---there are those who cannot. God bless you.

You don't HAVE to make a BFD over this birthday (or anyone over the age of 12's birthday, IMO) . Get a cake at the grocery store, put a candle in it, and a big gaudy card. Have the cake at the end of the meal (your mom's favorite foods), present the card. Done! You've done your part, marked the occasion. That's all I have for the big birthday celebration, others here have given you good advice for other aspects of your life, good luck!

Dear Koko,

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your mom. And you are trying to be a good daughter by remembering her milestone birthday. I know its not easy as our parents get older. If you honestly don't feel like doing anything, I would just leave it. Sometimes its just too emotionally draining. And we all need a break.

Hi Koko,

I could be wrong but it sounds to me that you have not accepted that your Mom has dementia and that you are holding onto old hurts. None of our Mom's were perfect and I believe they did the best they could when they brought us up. My Mom raised 4 kids and it was tough for her as my Dad owned his own business and worked very long hours.

I was the kid that challenged my Mom constantly and in return my Mom abused me verbally (maybe I deserved it, maybe not). The point I am trying to make is there came a time in my life when I decided to forgive my Mom and that gave me peace.

My goodness your Mom is 90 years old, make peace first with yourself and then with your Mom if you are able to. Your Mom is sick and needs your help and she doesn't do the things you described on purpose.

Also, no one can make your life miserable unless you allow it. You are in control of how you react to others. By first accepting that your Mom is sick and can't help herself then maybe, just maybe you can find peace within yourself.

Wishing you and your Mom the best.

Dear Koko,
You know what? Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH. A mother who has been nasty and mean for many years is a mother who has been nasty and mean for many years. It's not just 'dementia', it's mean and nasty. Mental & verbal abuse for a whole lifetime does not mean she's had dementia her whole life!! A mother who has never been satisfied her whole life, no matter HOW much is done for her, is a mother who is never satisfied and cannot be pleased. She is a mother who loves to complain and gripe. Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH, and I can sympathize with what you're going through. Sometimes old hurts can never heal, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try. Try to step back and allow yourself to feel aggravated and overwhelmed. Do what you feel you WANT to do with regard to her 90th birthday (mine just celebrated her 90th on 1/20 and yesterday said she wished she had a gun so she could shoot herself). Figure out how to preserve YOUR sanity. I used to call mine twice a day, once on my way to work and again around 8:00 PM. The AM calls were bad enough, but the PM calls were insanity. So I stopped calling twice a day (at the advice of the nursing staff at the ALF), and managed to preserve what's left of my sanity in the process.
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, dear woman. All the best to you as you try to navigate through the mess you're going through.

You said it, lealonnie1 - my friend has a narcissistic 94 year old mother, in assisted living, sharp as a razor, and still calling the shots. That F.O.G. thing. Running the poor woman ragged, still! The mother was living on her own just fine till the last couple years and luckily there was a slot open at an AL, and things are ... well, better! It's not all on my friend's head now. Mother likes the place, but she's as mean, self-centered,nasty as ever, lol. (sweet as can be when she wants to be, though!) Some things don't change.

I think it's very helpful for any caretaker, but, especially family members, to learn as much as possible about dementia and how it effects the brain of the patient. Even if you have long standing issues with someone who has dementia, it's not productive to re-hash or try to retaliate for old wounds.

I have read that if you were abused as a child, it's not advisable that you be the primary caretaker of that senior who abused you, if they are now physically or mentally disabled. It makes for an unhealthy environment. I'd seek professional help, if attempting to do that.

Vulnerable and incompetent seniors cannot be held to the same standard as a competent person with no cognitive decline, regardless of their past. Pain from the past, should be addressed with a mental health professionals and not the disabled senior.

Some posters have reported getting help from a geriatric psychiatrist in medicating a senior that may be suffering from depression as well as whatever else is going on.

Koko, my mother turned 90 last November. What I did was buy her a couple of gifts. I also bought her a sugar-free cake (diabetic) that she could have with the family at Thanksgiving. It turned out she wouldn't eat any cake, because she said starch turns to sugar, and she stuck the presents in a drawer somewhere. Sigh. But at least I did my part and felt good about it.

Often I read answers on here that sound so good in theory. It is really not as simple as all that. I understand what you are going through. Many people think of a stereotypical type mother when we talk about them. Some of us were blessed with the "Let's Throw Mama from the Train" type mothers. What we can do is the things we think we should so we can look back and know that we did good. We don't have to feel particularly connected to what we're doing. Picking up a gift or going out to dinner are pretty simple things. It may be the best thing to do so you can feel okay about yourself.

Has your mom always been this way only to a lesser degree or is this new behavior as she has aged?
Why are you not "allowed" to have someone come in and help?
If she is 90 you''be reached the age where you can use some relief. There's nothing wrong in that. You've also reached the age where you should be making your mother's decisions for care--not her. She's not capable of doing it anymore.
Have a quiet dinner to celebrate her birthday--acknowledge it but keep it low key and simple. Ask people to send notes via social media or mail --whatever there's time for and call it a day. I have my MIL a big party at 80 and pulled out all the stops to honor her. We had guests from three states. She was still living alone at the time and driving. After the party literally for three years she blamed the party for her failing health and said if I hadn't given it she'd be better off. Never again. She didn't have dementia --she just wanted to make me feel badly. That's why I asked if your mother had always been demanding. Those behaviors are actually exacurabated by dementia.
Keep it simple -- at 90 she's not up to anything big anyway and get some help in that house for yourself.

JennaRose,
No one deserves verbally abuse --not even unruly teenagers. It is good that you've forgiven your mother but KoKo12 is getting hit with it every single day-it's not in the past.
My husband and I live in this situation constantly and it's very emotionally and physically draining. There is CONSTANT forgiveness to be done. KoKo12 needs help coping on a regular basis.
Not all elderly people are completely unaware and without control of their behaviors.

Dear Koko, What is most heartbreaking to me has nothing to do with your mother per se, but simply that you are all alone with this. I can think of situations, and I'll bet we all can, when something, whether big or even very small, was happening at home, but we simply couldn't tell anyone. Maybe it was that we were having problems with our marriages, or a child was struggling with addiction, or that our landlords were being stingy with the heat, or even that our electricity had been cut off. Somehow, we felt we didn't want to burden anyone with what was really going on. Or perhaps we couldn't. And now what? Whatever our struggles, whether we're being abused at home, whether we're left hungry and cannot afford food, or whether we have some truly difficult and seemingly impossible situation to deal with, what's worse, we can't seem to muster up anyone's support. And when we go outside our homes, we're expected to act like everything's okay. We're supposed to play a charade. We're all alone with whatever it is. And that, to me, is tragic.

I think taking it to this online community here is a first step. What next? Go one step further. Find the others who are in a similar situation. In person if possible. My friend who was being abused by her husband for years told me that she used to meet with other abused wives at her WeightWatchers meeting and found support there, the one place they could escape their husbands decades ago.

I am not one to love "advice," but if I ever heard decent advice from anyone, it was the following three words, "Find the others." Find others in the same boat. Find other caregivers, or others who have been subject to abusive parents or abusive relationships. In one locale where I used to live a woman started a support group single-handedly, simply because she saw a need. This grew into a rather large and strong support network.

Depending on your community you might want to try Meetup. My own experience with Meetup is that it tends to attract a younger crowd only, but that is not true in all locales. Another option is your local paper, your library, local churches, or just put up signs.

If meeting in person isn't possible there are inexpensive ways that telephone conferences can be arranged. Hearing each others' voices by all means is more meaningful communication than the texting style of Facebook groups.

Be persistent and believe in yourself. You do not have to be alone with this.

If she has some form of dementia, she cannot help it... but you can. You can put her in an assisted living facility. If she has assets/money, find one she can live in, if not, check into Medicaid qualifications.... You cannot spend your life caring for a difficult person in your home, even if it is your mother.... talk to your siblings and make a change. Good luck. (My family recently placed Mom in a home because it was not safe for her to live by herself, she was falling and getting more and more confused... it is a sad part of life).

My heart goes out to you, for I totally understand your emotional and physical weariness. I took care of my mom and mentally challenged brother, for the last 5 years, living with them. I had lost my husband very suddenly and my mom was unable to care for herself and my brother. I am the oldest of 5, but it seemed the right thing to do. From my experience, you must and I repeat, must, get outside help so you can have time away from your burden. I almost suffered a nervous meltdown, trying to take care of them, the household duties, cooking, washing, doctor bills, hospice, medicine. I finally took matters into my own hands and began hiring sitters frequently, using my mom's savings without her knowing, because she would not consent. She passed away this past Thanksgiving at 94. I feel guilty at the sense of relief I feel, because I love her so much and wanted her to have peace in her last days. She was depressed, miserable, and sick and I was the one she vented against, sometimes wounding me terribly with her words of anger and false accusations. With God's strength, much prayer and support of my church family, I have emerged from so much of that guilt and burden and am now enjoying the freedom I was denied for 5 years. You must get help or you will burnout and will be of no use to yourself or to your mom. If she owns a home, you may be able to get a home equity loan to help care for her and then sell the home to pay it off. My sister and her husband had to do that for his mom, as she is in the last stages of cancer. I will pray for you and you may contact me if you want.

I feel like putting myself in the hospital!!!!!!

anonymous33, Sometimes self hospitalization is the answer for the short term. However, the problems remain and we have to deal with them eventually.

The mental abuse from someone who has started down the dementia road does not get better until much later. The problem is what to do in the meantime. It's really too much mental anguish for one person to bear, thus the need for a special care for 24/7 full-time caregivers!

Having a rotating schedule of 8-hour shifts is the best way to spread the venom over a wider number of people to take away its sting. In an assisted living home, it's done efficiently and a relative is not in charge of filling in missed shifts. It can be accomplished at home too, but there is the problem of missed shifts and the toxic environment building up too strongly on one person

We chose memory care home when the time came and we have been delighted - all of us.

Keep things simple. It usually means more to us than them. My mom doesn't remember her birthday anymore but we tried last year to have a get-together. In the end, she just wanted to go back to her room. If I was being mistreated by a parent, maybe accept her as she is and do yourself a favor and place her in a home of some sort. Give yourself a break.

lealonnie1...I so agree. We just put my Dad into assisted living for memory care. He was self centered & very angry his whole life. His dimentia simply removed what little filter he had. It brought forward all his negative personality traits , and made what little was good about him recede. He became violent and the language he used was shocking. Their home was a place filled with tension & bad vibes. We (my 88 year old Mother & I) had had enough after 60 some years of living with him and put him into the home. Our lives have gotten so much better!

With good reason you are probably burned out . You are being drained physically, emotionally and energetically by your mother. My father has dementia and he is almost 90, so my family and I know all about this. All of the above suggestions are great and I am summarizing them for you.
1.Think of your mother as being 6 years old. This allows you to step out of the emotional drain to figure out the best steps to take. If she was six years old(and she may be) , YOU would know this behavior is not acceptable and take steps to change it without feeling guilty.
I find often behavior is not what it looks like...so for instance if she is yelling at you because you are trying to help her, it may mean she is hurting, tired, afraid or unsure but does not have the vocabulary to say so. Try to look for a pattern. My Dad is grumpiest when he is tired(late afternoon or early evening) si at this time put the television on , or some music , or give her a cup of tea or cocoa (whatever she likes) and walk away knowing it's not about you. 2. Find people to a) bathe her, exercise her(physiotherapist)
Etc.
3. Do the vacation week we call it where she goes into a home for a week or 2, do not feel guilty she MuST take one for the team so to speak as you and everyone else are doing their part. This is her part. You can still visit her when you want but this is your chance to let other people worry about her and give yourself a chance to rest. After all, YOU give her lots of chances to rest! Get your husband to drop her off if you cannot do it . You need the rest.
4.Find a Day-away program where she goes for half a day or a full day once or twice per week. They will often pick her up and bring her home.
All of these programs in Ontario Canada are avaiacle through CCAC , although you do have to pay for the vacation week .
5. If you can afford it, hire a house cleaner to make it one less thing you have to do, even every other week or once per month if not once per week
7. Make food prep easier, places like Costco have great almost homemade food like salads, chicken pies, frozen vegetables, soups etc.
6.Check possible payment plans for yourself from her money if you are paying her bills etc and are power of attorney. This is all legal and you are not cheating her.
Just do one thing at a time and ask people for help!!!!!!
Remember no matter what you are doing give yourself credit! She is lucky to have you but please look after yourself first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As is apparent from some responses and from what I've seen outside, some people simply do not get excited about their birthdays, and it may be an absolute waste of time, money and effort to do something on their behalf. Simply giving cards and verbally wishing a happy birthday should be more than sufficient in such cases.

lealonnie1, where all these comments are helpful, intelligently written and offer such varied insights...it is particularly supportive when someone describes a scenario close to one's own.

i live nearby my mom [IL facility] so i am the one that gets to e-relay blow-by-blow the insanity to my sisters. they visit quarterly to see in person her decline, and are even less tolerant than i - or i should say have given me the 'ok' to not feel guilty. guilty that i cannot think of the right things to say to calm her; or to change the subject successfully [demented short-term memory? oh yeah! - but when she is ranting about calling the police because people are stealing her things, or wanting a bank card...she can be surprisingly non-forgetful!]

what struck home was the suggestion that she was always a woman who complained. in our case, none of us remember her ever saying the words "oops, i'm sorry." never taking accountability, always blaming anyone [dad, all too often] and everyone else for myriad daily 'LITTLE THINGS'.
for years. since we were kids.

[also 'lassie' - she was quite award-winning at presenting a smiling healthy person first impression. never acts down-right mean tho, rather her hearing loss denial is the hint of more hidden issues of decline...]

so - the dementia only brings out her lesser quality personalities. i [we] would likely have an easier time of handling the symptoms and episodes if it were only the disease and not the displaying of her innate bad points in a bigger blatant way.

Sorry I do not know why this posted again. Please disregard. Thank you

Try thinking of your & everyone's personality as if there were veils over it - each veil is a civil barrier for 'proper' behavior - so we don't poop in the living room, we don't drive the wrong way on 1 way street, we don't swear in church etc. etc. etc.

Dementia is the wind that blows the veils around and eventually tears some or all of them away completely - when you think of this you may understand why the sweet person you knew becomes not so sweet anymore

However if you start with a bitchy person, they then become really the bitchiest because they have fine tuned bad behavior for years but even then they hid behind some 'veils' but those are gone/moving around now

As to her birthday: 1- does she remember that it is her birthday?
2- what happened last year? was she happy with what you did or grumpy?
3- this could just be yet another reminder that she is OLD so it could be like rubbing salt in wound as she might see it

So take your cue from how she reacted last year - if you decide NOT TO DO ANYTHING & she mentions it just say that 'she was so unhappy with what was done the year before that you thought it was be kinder to down play the day for her' ... then whip out the card you have in your purse so she can't say you forgot - hope this helps

I have read all the answers here and my heart goes out to everyone. My grandmother is now 96 and she has early dementia. Her cognitive skills are quite well for her age. She is well aware of her age, birthdays, dates, etc. When she's being mean, she knows it. In fact she even asked me "That sticks in your craw, doesn't it?!" This was after I asserted myself with her in a back and forth riff. She is just mean and nasty towards me, has an anger addiction. I've learned not to take her bait and to avoid her an anger as much as possible. I am her only remaining survivor who is the closest caretaker. My brother is not involved in her care nor is he nearly as close to her, so I'm the one she also vents to. All I can say is that even at 96, the anger does not go away, the dementia gets worse, family dysfunction does not improve, only YOU can best learn to deal with the situation. You must take care of your needs. Stop giving your power and control over to the other individual and your life will improve. You must regain control in your life. You can do this and still be in your mom's life. Get help in a support group and share experiences, and you will see how others turn things around. You deserve a beautiful life.

Not being mean spirited, but if Mom doesn't know its her birthday, then just let it go by. If she doesn't know, what difference does it make? And, if other family members want to commerate the event, let them come and take her to dinner while you and hubby stay in to relax. If she doesn't know, it is not "punishing" her. I didn't acknowledge my Aunt's birthday, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas. She didn't know the difference. It is imperative that you find a way to take care of yourself. I used to sing to myself.....you know the song, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow"? I would sing in my head..."Let it go, let it go, let it go". I chuckled and it helped me.

A date on the calendar should not dictate to us when to have a celebration, if it does it's not really a celebration is it? Does your Mother even know it's her birthday? If she does, does she really want a celebration? If your brother wants a celebration let him do it. Do or don't do what you want and don't feel obligated or guilty.