My mother is turning 90 next week, but I'm so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. Can someone help?

My alz husband 86 lose of memory on his birthday gave same cds each yr as he doesn't remember even his kids who sent them. He enjoys looking at them then same questions many times. He is on anti depressent & made him from lion to lamb. Love him more in his kind state even tho he doesn't realize I am his wife of 62 yrs. I just go into his world as he will never be in our world again. Heaven will be most wonderful for him.

As an abuse survivor myself, I really don't blame you for not wanting to do anything for your abuser. You really don't owe her anything if she's been abusing you. Listen to that feeling. That feeling is telling you not to worry about doing any more for her, definitely listen to that feeling and just cut your abuser out of your life like I had to do. In my situation, I never got to do anything for either one of my abusers due to circumstances, so I never could've done anything for them anyway even if I wanted to and I didn't feel one bit guilty since I was the victim. Don't worry about your abuser and definitely don't feel responsible for them. Cut your abuser out of your life and move forward without her. Enjoy your own life and maybe even move far away, change your number and keep it unlisted. Don't let your kids near your abuser either or she'll start on them. Keep your family away from anyone who previously abused you if you want everyone to stay healthy

I fully understand that there is inevitable cognitive decline with advanced age, and I fully understand that you cannot reason with a person who is not "operating" rationally. However, my mum constantly has been a covetous, ruthless, nasty, violent, verbally abusive, controlling, cold, jealous, competitive, spiteful, conniving, "superior," liar for all the decades I have known her. Yes, her cognitive decline makes her more paranoid, more irrational, more of an abusive liar, and makes the many "plots" against her more patently absurd--but all of this is just layered on top of an already horrid, manipulative personality that age did not create.

I am already an ocean away to protect myself. Family that stayed in her orbit are either dead, or have been burned so many times they have no contact with her. She refuses to have herself assessed. So she lives alone. She still drives. No one will turn her in, as she lives where reporting someone's driving cannot be done anonymously, and everyone fears her retaliation. She has dozens of guns and would have no problem either rationalizing shooting her family members, or making up a boo-hoo lie about thinking someone was an intruder, or that she acted in self defense. If she lives to be 90, I will be a shell of a person unless I fight to survive with every bit of strength I have.

My hat is off to those of you who can care for these dreadful people. My "mother" just happens to be the female who gave birth to me, but she was far too concerned with herself ever to have been a proper parent to me. For the past 20 years, I have spent many hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars trying to undo the damage she has done to me. I owe her nothing--she has taken too much of my life already.

What you need to do now is secretly record some of these incidents including the one about the guns. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to secretly record her getting into her car if you feel she's a danger to herself and others, catch the license plate number on the device. You can make a police report if you feel she's a danger to herself and others, but you can also alert the APS and show them the video. This will give them some idea of what they're dealing with

KoKo, With or without dementia in the mix, don't be a doormat for anyone. My Mom also turns 90 soon. She abused all 3 of her children all our lives both physically and verbally. Now all my siblings have passed away from their lives of grief. I'm the only one left so I feel obligated to look after her regardless or her wicked ways. My husband also sees the toll it takes after a visit. An overnight visit, would be out of the question. Send flowers as the good little devil you are. Self preservation mode is sometimes a priority.

Invest in a nice set of headphones and download your favorite happy or inspirational music. As the barrage of negativity increases turn up the volume. I have a similar situation, where a person lives and breathes negativity. They will continue the assault as long as they know they have my attention. Part of it is not their fault (dementia), but there's a little piece of sanity that tells them to back off when the headphones go on.

The headphone idea is a very nice one, but be very wary if the person you're caring for suddenly becomes physical when they realize verbal attacks no longer work. As an abuse survivor I have no place in my life for any kind of abuse, especially physical, I would definitely fight back if hit or attacked in anyway. This is why I won't be around abusive people because I know what I'm capable of as a grown woman. I'm not that little girl no more who can be beat around and unable to get away or do much more than self-defense. I know I'm capable of really fighting back because I'm bigger and stronger now but I choose to keep it in check by doing whatever is necessary to stay out of those types of situations, and so should you especially if you've ever been severely beaten by your attacker over a number of years. It does something to you and certain details trip something in the brain.

I know you said something about verbal and mental abuse, this is just as damaging though it's different. I know abuse affects people differently, but in the end, there's still some level of damage that's already been done regardless of the abuse type. Remaining in an abusive situation will eventually have you finding yourself doing the exact same thing to others if you're not careful. This is why you really need to get out of the situation. If you know what you're capable of doing because it trips something in the brain, you really need to avoid those types of situations so you can avoid any triggers

This is a very common problem as people get older and especially if they have dementia. First, try to do everything in a king, polite, peaceful way. However, very often this is just not going to work and you will be abused, tormented and generally made miserable by the person - especially if there is a history of this for years before. When that happens, recognize one simple fact. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING. No one should be abused and treated poorly - NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. If you want to be a fool and a martyr with no appreciation, then do not allow yourself to be put into a position where you are responsible for them. It will destroy you sooner, than later. Don't do it. Remove them from your presence. Please, please listen and consider this.....you owe them nothing further if they are abusive. Please put them somewhere where YOU do NOT have to deal with this abrasive personality. There really is no other choice as they are NOT going to be suddenly nice people. Good luck.

Koko,

It sounds like your mother may have “dementia”, which is caused simply by old-age in some individuals and by Alzheimer's in others. Dementia is caused by damage to the brain cells, and causes many of the behaviors you describe. It's hard getting old. But you should try to get help to care for your mother. Do not let her decide what is best, she doesn't know at this time. And do not let her abusive words hurt you (even though they do), she doesn't even know what she is doing or saying, at this point in time. But you do need to take care of yourself first, otherwise, everything becomes harder. As far as a birthday celebration goes, don't worry about it. She probably doesn't even know it's her birthday. Perhaps, just have a small cake to celebrate the fact you have great genes!

Hi Koko, I get it as many on this forum do. Bottom line is, do what your heart tells you to do. If you decide to do nothing, that's ok. My mom is 81 in the later stages of dementia and even though she doesn't know what day it is or what a holiday is or whether it's her birthday, she did show that there was some remembrance but it was displayed in sadness. It's as if she knows she should be happy around the holidays and birthdays but she just can't be. D*mn the disease, but it is what it is. So I have not been recognizing any holidays, not Christmas, not birthdays. I just make the best of each day for what it is. It took some time for me to get over the feeling that I wasn't doing the right thing by her, but it was much easier on her, so it worked out for the best. Take care of yourself.

Koko, do what feels right. For you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was running myself ragged for a couple of years trying to plan the perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas for my mom (who didn't even know it was a holiday...) and then one day I said, "Hey, what am I doing? Let's just have lunch in her AL and call it a visit."

If it were me, I would get your mom a present online and and card, and a cake--let the grocery store make it. Done, and done.

My mother is 90. She has late-stage dementia and a long list of medical conditions. I try to make each day as pleasant as possible, both for her and me. She doesn't know what day it is. Some nights she will say the next day is Christmas or Easter, because she has lost her sense of time. She has been very difficult with me and most other people in her life. I am the only one who has not abandoned her. I have been taking care of her in increasing amounts over the past 20 years. 24/7 the past 2 1/2 years. She needs assistance with everything she does. I usually make a special dinner for her birthday or holidays; something she would traditionally have. We used to cook together so I know what she likes. She doesn't necessarily know why we are having that meal on that day, but I do. That is why I do it.

You really are not alone as in the fact that many adults take care of their parents and get no help. I'm 33 taking care of my mother with brain damage and her 97 year old mother. My grandmother can be so sweet and in a second make you feel guilty just for her own personal gain. No one in my family wants to help so I understand your frustration. You need more than a night away. One day is not enough for you to even begin to relax. Unfortunately you may need to find a way to beat the system and force her into outside care. I know easy for me to say buy I am getting to a point where my grandmother's Doctors never see the forgetfulness and mean side of her and I'm getting creative. My relationships are suffering. I even lost a good job trying to care for both. Now I can barely live and no one seems to care. Al I hear is its my fault.

My oppologies for ranting of my own problems. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to give her a party. Nor should you have to defend your choice to your family until they are willing to do what you do for one week. Don't let her kill all your happiness. Get some outside help or get her out of your house. I refuse to have my mom live with me for ever it's not healthy , the world has changed and we have far more stress to deal with. I love my mother and would take her in again but she knows at some point she will have to go into some sort of home.

My family sucks nobody wants to help me. I have jealous and evil sister in laws and my brother go along with them messing with me while I am under tremendous stress to take care of a mother who is mean and plays favorites. I'm so disgusted!!