My mother is turning 90 next week, but I'm so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. Can someone help?

My family sucks nobody wants to help me. I have jealous and evil sister in laws and my brother go along with them messing with me while I am under tremendous stress to take care of a mother who is mean and plays favorites. I'm so disgusted!!

You really are not alone as in the fact that many adults take care of their parents and get no help. I'm 33 taking care of my mother with brain damage and her 97 year old mother. My grandmother can be so sweet and in a second make you feel guilty just for her own personal gain. No one in my family wants to help so I understand your frustration. You need more than a night away. One day is not enough for you to even begin to relax. Unfortunately you may need to find a way to beat the system and force her into outside care. I know easy for me to say buy I am getting to a point where my grandmother's Doctors never see the forgetfulness and mean side of her and I'm getting creative. My relationships are suffering. I even lost a good job trying to care for both. Now I can barely live and no one seems to care. Al I hear is its my fault.

My oppologies for ranting of my own problems. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to give her a party. Nor should you have to defend your choice to your family until they are willing to do what you do for one week. Don't let her kill all your happiness. Get some outside help or get her out of your house. I refuse to have my mom live with me for ever it's not healthy , the world has changed and we have far more stress to deal with. I love my mother and would take her in again but she knows at some point she will have to go into some sort of home.

My mother is 90. She has late-stage dementia and a long list of medical conditions. I try to make each day as pleasant as possible, both for her and me. She doesn't know what day it is. Some nights she will say the next day is Christmas or Easter, because she has lost her sense of time. She has been very difficult with me and most other people in her life. I am the only one who has not abandoned her. I have been taking care of her in increasing amounts over the past 20 years. 24/7 the past 2 1/2 years. She needs assistance with everything she does. I usually make a special dinner for her birthday or holidays; something she would traditionally have. We used to cook together so I know what she likes. She doesn't necessarily know why we are having that meal on that day, but I do. That is why I do it.

Koko, do what feels right. For you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was running myself ragged for a couple of years trying to plan the perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas for my mom (who didn't even know it was a holiday...) and then one day I said, "Hey, what am I doing? Let's just have lunch in her AL and call it a visit."

If it were me, I would get your mom a present online and and card, and a cake--let the grocery store make it. Done, and done.

Hi Koko, I get it as many on this forum do. Bottom line is, do what your heart tells you to do. If you decide to do nothing, that's ok. My mom is 81 in the later stages of dementia and even though she doesn't know what day it is or what a holiday is or whether it's her birthday, she did show that there was some remembrance but it was displayed in sadness. It's as if she knows she should be happy around the holidays and birthdays but she just can't be. D*mn the disease, but it is what it is. So I have not been recognizing any holidays, not Christmas, not birthdays. I just make the best of each day for what it is. It took some time for me to get over the feeling that I wasn't doing the right thing by her, but it was much easier on her, so it worked out for the best. Take care of yourself.

Koko,

It sounds like your mother may have “dementia”, which is caused simply by old-age in some individuals and by Alzheimer's in others. Dementia is caused by damage to the brain cells, and causes many of the behaviors you describe. It's hard getting old. But you should try to get help to care for your mother. Do not let her decide what is best, she doesn't know at this time. And do not let her abusive words hurt you (even though they do), she doesn't even know what she is doing or saying, at this point in time. But you do need to take care of yourself first, otherwise, everything becomes harder. As far as a birthday celebration goes, don't worry about it. She probably doesn't even know it's her birthday. Perhaps, just have a small cake to celebrate the fact you have great genes!

This is a very common problem as people get older and especially if they have dementia. First, try to do everything in a king, polite, peaceful way. However, very often this is just not going to work and you will be abused, tormented and generally made miserable by the person - especially if there is a history of this for years before. When that happens, recognize one simple fact. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING. No one should be abused and treated poorly - NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. If you want to be a fool and a martyr with no appreciation, then do not allow yourself to be put into a position where you are responsible for them. It will destroy you sooner, than later. Don't do it. Remove them from your presence. Please, please listen and consider this.....you owe them nothing further if they are abusive. Please put them somewhere where YOU do NOT have to deal with this abrasive personality. There really is no other choice as they are NOT going to be suddenly nice people. Good luck.

The headphone idea is a very nice one, but be very wary if the person you're caring for suddenly becomes physical when they realize verbal attacks no longer work. As an abuse survivor I have no place in my life for any kind of abuse, especially physical, I would definitely fight back if hit or attacked in anyway. This is why I won't be around abusive people because I know what I'm capable of as a grown woman. I'm not that little girl no more who can be beat around and unable to get away or do much more than self-defense. I know I'm capable of really fighting back because I'm bigger and stronger now but I choose to keep it in check by doing whatever is necessary to stay out of those types of situations, and so should you especially if you've ever been severely beaten by your attacker over a number of years. It does something to you and certain details trip something in the brain.

I know you said something about verbal and mental abuse, this is just as damaging though it's different. I know abuse affects people differently, but in the end, there's still some level of damage that's already been done regardless of the abuse type. Remaining in an abusive situation will eventually have you finding yourself doing the exact same thing to others if you're not careful. This is why you really need to get out of the situation. If you know what you're capable of doing because it trips something in the brain, you really need to avoid those types of situations so you can avoid any triggers

Invest in a nice set of headphones and download your favorite happy or inspirational music. As the barrage of negativity increases turn up the volume. I have a similar situation, where a person lives and breathes negativity. They will continue the assault as long as they know they have my attention. Part of it is not their fault (dementia), but there's a little piece of sanity that tells them to back off when the headphones go on.

KoKo, With or without dementia in the mix, don't be a doormat for anyone. My Mom also turns 90 soon. She abused all 3 of her children all our lives both physically and verbally. Now all my siblings have passed away from their lives of grief. I'm the only one left so I feel obligated to look after her regardless or her wicked ways. My husband also sees the toll it takes after a visit. An overnight visit, would be out of the question. Send flowers as the good little devil you are. Self preservation mode is sometimes a priority.

What you need to do now is secretly record some of these incidents including the one about the guns. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to secretly record her getting into her car if you feel she's a danger to herself and others, catch the license plate number on the device. You can make a police report if you feel she's a danger to herself and others, but you can also alert the APS and show them the video. This will give them some idea of what they're dealing with

I fully understand that there is inevitable cognitive decline with advanced age, and I fully understand that you cannot reason with a person who is not "operating" rationally. However, my mum constantly has been a covetous, ruthless, nasty, violent, verbally abusive, controlling, cold, jealous, competitive, spiteful, conniving, "superior," liar for all the decades I have known her. Yes, her cognitive decline makes her more paranoid, more irrational, more of an abusive liar, and makes the many "plots" against her more patently absurd--but all of this is just layered on top of an already horrid, manipulative personality that age did not create.

I am already an ocean away to protect myself. Family that stayed in her orbit are either dead, or have been burned so many times they have no contact with her. She refuses to have herself assessed. So she lives alone. She still drives. No one will turn her in, as she lives where reporting someone's driving cannot be done anonymously, and everyone fears her retaliation. She has dozens of guns and would have no problem either rationalizing shooting her family members, or making up a boo-hoo lie about thinking someone was an intruder, or that she acted in self defense. If she lives to be 90, I will be a shell of a person unless I fight to survive with every bit of strength I have.

My hat is off to those of you who can care for these dreadful people. My "mother" just happens to be the female who gave birth to me, but she was far too concerned with herself ever to have been a proper parent to me. For the past 20 years, I have spent many hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars trying to undo the damage she has done to me. I owe her nothing--she has taken too much of my life already.

As an abuse survivor myself, I really don't blame you for not wanting to do anything for your abuser. You really don't owe her anything if she's been abusing you. Listen to that feeling. That feeling is telling you not to worry about doing any more for her, definitely listen to that feeling and just cut your abuser out of your life like I had to do. In my situation, I never got to do anything for either one of my abusers due to circumstances, so I never could've done anything for them anyway even if I wanted to and I didn't feel one bit guilty since I was the victim. Don't worry about your abuser and definitely don't feel responsible for them. Cut your abuser out of your life and move forward without her. Enjoy your own life and maybe even move far away, change your number and keep it unlisted. Don't let your kids near your abuser either or she'll start on them. Keep your family away from anyone who previously abused you if you want everyone to stay healthy

My alz husband 86 lose of memory on his birthday gave same cds each yr as he doesn't remember even his kids who sent them. He enjoys looking at them then same questions many times. He is on anti depressent & made him from lion to lamb. Love him more in his kind state even tho he doesn't realize I am his wife of 62 yrs. I just go into his world as he will never be in our world again. Heaven will be most wonderful for him.

A date on the calendar should not dictate to us when to have a celebration, if it does it's not really a celebration is it? Does your Mother even know it's her birthday? If she does, does she really want a celebration? If your brother wants a celebration let him do it. Do or don't do what you want and don't feel obligated or guilty.

Not being mean spirited, but if Mom doesn't know its her birthday, then just let it go by. If she doesn't know, what difference does it make? And, if other family members want to commerate the event, let them come and take her to dinner while you and hubby stay in to relax. If she doesn't know, it is not "punishing" her. I didn't acknowledge my Aunt's birthday, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas. She didn't know the difference. It is imperative that you find a way to take care of yourself. I used to sing to myself.....you know the song, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow"? I would sing in my head..."Let it go, let it go, let it go". I chuckled and it helped me.

I have read all the answers here and my heart goes out to everyone. My grandmother is now 96 and she has early dementia. Her cognitive skills are quite well for her age. She is well aware of her age, birthdays, dates, etc. When she's being mean, she knows it. In fact she even asked me "That sticks in your craw, doesn't it?!" This was after I asserted myself with her in a back and forth riff. She is just mean and nasty towards me, has an anger addiction. I've learned not to take her bait and to avoid her an anger as much as possible. I am her only remaining survivor who is the closest caretaker. My brother is not involved in her care nor is he nearly as close to her, so I'm the one she also vents to. All I can say is that even at 96, the anger does not go away, the dementia gets worse, family dysfunction does not improve, only YOU can best learn to deal with the situation. You must take care of your needs. Stop giving your power and control over to the other individual and your life will improve. You must regain control in your life. You can do this and still be in your mom's life. Get help in a support group and share experiences, and you will see how others turn things around. You deserve a beautiful life.

Try thinking of your & everyone's personality as if there were veils over it - each veil is a civil barrier for 'proper' behavior - so we don't poop in the living room, we don't drive the wrong way on 1 way street, we don't swear in church etc. etc. etc.

Dementia is the wind that blows the veils around and eventually tears some or all of them away completely - when you think of this you may understand why the sweet person you knew becomes not so sweet anymore

However if you start with a bitchy person, they then become really the bitchiest because they have fine tuned bad behavior for years but even then they hid behind some 'veils' but those are gone/moving around now

As to her birthday: 1- does she remember that it is her birthday?
2- what happened last year? was she happy with what you did or grumpy?
3- this could just be yet another reminder that she is OLD so it could be like rubbing salt in wound as she might see it

So take your cue from how she reacted last year - if you decide NOT TO DO ANYTHING & she mentions it just say that 'she was so unhappy with what was done the year before that you thought it was be kinder to down play the day for her' ... then whip out the card you have in your purse so she can't say you forgot - hope this helps

Sorry I do not know why this posted again. Please disregard. Thank you

lealonnie1, where all these comments are helpful, intelligently written and offer such varied insights...it is particularly supportive when someone describes a scenario close to one's own.

i live nearby my mom [IL facility] so i am the one that gets to e-relay blow-by-blow the insanity to my sisters. they visit quarterly to see in person her decline, and are even less tolerant than i - or i should say have given me the 'ok' to not feel guilty. guilty that i cannot think of the right things to say to calm her; or to change the subject successfully [demented short-term memory? oh yeah! - but when she is ranting about calling the police because people are stealing her things, or wanting a bank card...she can be surprisingly non-forgetful!]

what struck home was the suggestion that she was always a woman who complained. in our case, none of us remember her ever saying the words "oops, i'm sorry." never taking accountability, always blaming anyone [dad, all too often] and everyone else for myriad daily 'LITTLE THINGS'.
for years. since we were kids.

[also 'lassie' - she was quite award-winning at presenting a smiling healthy person first impression. never acts down-right mean tho, rather her hearing loss denial is the hint of more hidden issues of decline...]

so - the dementia only brings out her lesser quality personalities. i [we] would likely have an easier time of handling the symptoms and episodes if it were only the disease and not the displaying of her innate bad points in a bigger blatant way.

As is apparent from some responses and from what I've seen outside, some people simply do not get excited about their birthdays, and it may be an absolute waste of time, money and effort to do something on their behalf. Simply giving cards and verbally wishing a happy birthday should be more than sufficient in such cases.

With good reason you are probably burned out . You are being drained physically, emotionally and energetically by your mother. My father has dementia and he is almost 90, so my family and I know all about this. All of the above suggestions are great and I am summarizing them for you.
1.Think of your mother as being 6 years old. This allows you to step out of the emotional drain to figure out the best steps to take. If she was six years old(and she may be) , YOU would know this behavior is not acceptable and take steps to change it without feeling guilty.
I find often behavior is not what it looks like...so for instance if she is yelling at you because you are trying to help her, it may mean she is hurting, tired, afraid or unsure but does not have the vocabulary to say so. Try to look for a pattern. My Dad is grumpiest when he is tired(late afternoon or early evening) si at this time put the television on , or some music , or give her a cup of tea or cocoa (whatever she likes) and walk away knowing it's not about you. 2. Find people to a) bathe her, exercise her(physiotherapist)
Etc.
3. Do the vacation week we call it where she goes into a home for a week or 2, do not feel guilty she MuST take one for the team so to speak as you and everyone else are doing their part. This is her part. You can still visit her when you want but this is your chance to let other people worry about her and give yourself a chance to rest. After all, YOU give her lots of chances to rest! Get your husband to drop her off if you cannot do it . You need the rest.
4.Find a Day-away program where she goes for half a day or a full day once or twice per week. They will often pick her up and bring her home.
All of these programs in Ontario Canada are avaiacle through CCAC , although you do have to pay for the vacation week .
5. If you can afford it, hire a house cleaner to make it one less thing you have to do, even every other week or once per month if not once per week
7. Make food prep easier, places like Costco have great almost homemade food like salads, chicken pies, frozen vegetables, soups etc.
6.Check possible payment plans for yourself from her money if you are paying her bills etc and are power of attorney. This is all legal and you are not cheating her.
Just do one thing at a time and ask people for help!!!!!!
Remember no matter what you are doing give yourself credit! She is lucky to have you but please look after yourself first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lealonnie1...I so agree. We just put my Dad into assisted living for memory care. He was self centered & very angry his whole life. His dimentia simply removed what little filter he had. It brought forward all his negative personality traits , and made what little was good about him recede. He became violent and the language he used was shocking. Their home was a place filled with tension & bad vibes. We (my 88 year old Mother & I) had had enough after 60 some years of living with him and put him into the home. Our lives have gotten so much better!

Keep things simple. It usually means more to us than them. My mom doesn't remember her birthday anymore but we tried last year to have a get-together. In the end, she just wanted to go back to her room. If I was being mistreated by a parent, maybe accept her as she is and do yourself a favor and place her in a home of some sort. Give yourself a break.

anonymous33, Sometimes self hospitalization is the answer for the short term. However, the problems remain and we have to deal with them eventually.

The mental abuse from someone who has started down the dementia road does not get better until much later. The problem is what to do in the meantime. It's really too much mental anguish for one person to bear, thus the need for a special care for 24/7 full-time caregivers!

Having a rotating schedule of 8-hour shifts is the best way to spread the venom over a wider number of people to take away its sting. In an assisted living home, it's done efficiently and a relative is not in charge of filling in missed shifts. It can be accomplished at home too, but there is the problem of missed shifts and the toxic environment building up too strongly on one person

We chose memory care home when the time came and we have been delighted - all of us.

I feel like putting myself in the hospital!!!!!!

My heart goes out to you, for I totally understand your emotional and physical weariness. I took care of my mom and mentally challenged brother, for the last 5 years, living with them. I had lost my husband very suddenly and my mom was unable to care for herself and my brother. I am the oldest of 5, but it seemed the right thing to do. From my experience, you must and I repeat, must, get outside help so you can have time away from your burden. I almost suffered a nervous meltdown, trying to take care of them, the household duties, cooking, washing, doctor bills, hospice, medicine. I finally took matters into my own hands and began hiring sitters frequently, using my mom's savings without her knowing, because she would not consent. She passed away this past Thanksgiving at 94. I feel guilty at the sense of relief I feel, because I love her so much and wanted her to have peace in her last days. She was depressed, miserable, and sick and I was the one she vented against, sometimes wounding me terribly with her words of anger and false accusations. With God's strength, much prayer and support of my church family, I have emerged from so much of that guilt and burden and am now enjoying the freedom I was denied for 5 years. You must get help or you will burnout and will be of no use to yourself or to your mom. If she owns a home, you may be able to get a home equity loan to help care for her and then sell the home to pay it off. My sister and her husband had to do that for his mom, as she is in the last stages of cancer. I will pray for you and you may contact me if you want.

If she has some form of dementia, she cannot help it... but you can. You can put her in an assisted living facility. If she has assets/money, find one she can live in, if not, check into Medicaid qualifications.... You cannot spend your life caring for a difficult person in your home, even if it is your mother.... talk to your siblings and make a change. Good luck. (My family recently placed Mom in a home because it was not safe for her to live by herself, she was falling and getting more and more confused... it is a sad part of life).

Dear Koko, What is most heartbreaking to me has nothing to do with your mother per se, but simply that you are all alone with this. I can think of situations, and I'll bet we all can, when something, whether big or even very small, was happening at home, but we simply couldn't tell anyone. Maybe it was that we were having problems with our marriages, or a child was struggling with addiction, or that our landlords were being stingy with the heat, or even that our electricity had been cut off. Somehow, we felt we didn't want to burden anyone with what was really going on. Or perhaps we couldn't. And now what? Whatever our struggles, whether we're being abused at home, whether we're left hungry and cannot afford food, or whether we have some truly difficult and seemingly impossible situation to deal with, what's worse, we can't seem to muster up anyone's support. And when we go outside our homes, we're expected to act like everything's okay. We're supposed to play a charade. We're all alone with whatever it is. And that, to me, is tragic.

I think taking it to this online community here is a first step. What next? Go one step further. Find the others who are in a similar situation. In person if possible. My friend who was being abused by her husband for years told me that she used to meet with other abused wives at her WeightWatchers meeting and found support there, the one place they could escape their husbands decades ago.

I am not one to love "advice," but if I ever heard decent advice from anyone, it was the following three words, "Find the others." Find others in the same boat. Find other caregivers, or others who have been subject to abusive parents or abusive relationships. In one locale where I used to live a woman started a support group single-handedly, simply because she saw a need. This grew into a rather large and strong support network.

Depending on your community you might want to try Meetup. My own experience with Meetup is that it tends to attract a younger crowd only, but that is not true in all locales. Another option is your local paper, your library, local churches, or just put up signs.

If meeting in person isn't possible there are inexpensive ways that telephone conferences can be arranged. Hearing each others' voices by all means is more meaningful communication than the texting style of Facebook groups.

Be persistent and believe in yourself. You do not have to be alone with this.

JennaRose,
No one deserves verbally abuse --not even unruly teenagers. It is good that you've forgiven your mother but KoKo12 is getting hit with it every single day-it's not in the past.
My husband and I live in this situation constantly and it's very emotionally and physically draining. There is CONSTANT forgiveness to be done. KoKo12 needs help coping on a regular basis.
Not all elderly people are completely unaware and without control of their behaviors.