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HELP! My Mother has a bedside commode that she uses often and seems very comfortable with - but lately she seems to like using the floor just as much. I put down bed pads (the heavy ones nursing homes use) as well as store bought ones underneath and she moves them. This evening I opened her nightstand drawer (full of cards, mementos, jewelry, etc.) to find that she had peed in a paper cup and everything was soaked. I am beside myself. What can I do? What am I doing wrong?

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If this is a sudden behavioral change, have her tested for a urinary tract infection. If it hurts her to pee, she may be reluctant to sit on the commode. Urinating and defecating in inappropriate places isn’t uncommon behavior in those with dementia. Sometimes it’s a revenge thing for an imagined slight. (“Well, I’ll show HER!) Did you recently move the commode? She may not like where it’s at if you did.

if you're noticing that this seems to happen at the same time each day, supervise her. If she complains at the invasion of privacy, it’s ok to tell her you have to make sure she doesn’t pee on the floor.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thanks Ahmijoy - This is so frustrating. I haven't moved it, and I'm beginning to wonder if she's upset about the pads on the floor. I tell her they protect the floor and not to move them, but as soon as I leave the room, she does. I get upset with her and raise my voice. Do you think she could be afraid? So bizarre. I'll have her checked for a UTI. Thanks again, Janet
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Hi. My mom is leaving toilet paper on the floor. I’m at a loss. She was one of the cleanest people I’ve ever known. She lives here. So today when I saw the toilet paper on the floor I said mom you dropped the toilet paper and she said sorry and picked it up. She no longer sleeps in her bedroom, Now sleeps 🛏 n family room couch, with Fox News on 24 hours a day. Things are changing quickly. I told her, no tv can be on24 hours a day 7 days a week without a fire risk. She ignores me.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
I know what you mean. My Mother was fastidious to say the least. Now she does things that are unimaginable. Two days ago I found a banana peel in her drawer - the whole banana was in her bedside commode. Kind of makes me smile, it's so ridiculous. Wow, what's next. Thanks for writing.
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Of target here. But may we never do to our kids what is being done to us . My mothers parents died before any caregiving was necessary for more than 6 weeks. Dementia is so prevelant now. I wonder what was in the environment 50 years or less or more , that caused this
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
So many unhealthy things we're exposed to. Pesticides, for one; I'm sure research has found connections. I worry about the future generation. Too many processed foods, genetically altered foods, food to which hormones are added and on and on. I pray I don't get it. My Mother went through two rounds of chemo years ago, She had it rough and I often wonder if that had something to do with it. She was an executive secretary for many years. Now she doesn't even know my name.
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Dear one,
You have done nothing wrong. My mother did exactly the same thing. She'd get up in the middle of the night, take off her pajamas and urinate on the bedroom floor. She would scream at the top of her lungs at 2am. Unfortunately I could not work and watch her all night too.
I had to place her in a memory care facility. She is doing much better there and seems happier than with me.
I honestly thought I'd loose my mind with all the difficulties of the dementia.

Please don't wear yourself to a frazzle. A dead caregiver is no good to anyone. Consider having her placed. It sounds like you have too much on your plate already.
And please don't think you've done anything wrong. This is how Alzheimer's is. It will only get worse.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thank you for reassuring me. You must've had a harrowing time! The screaming would be so upsetting. I don't want to place her because my brother lives in her home and I'm afraid they would take it. One day at a time... Thank you for your kind advice.
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" I don't want to place her because my brother lives in her home and I'm afraid they would take it."

What's the story with your brother? Maybe she could move back to her home and he could take care of her?
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
He has several conditions and NO patience for caring for Mother. I couldn't ask him to do the personal things I do on a daily basis. He just isn't cut out for this kind of work. Don't misunderstand me - he's a good person, it just wouldn't work for multiple reasons. Thank you for your thoughts and concern.
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I was going to say time for Depends but they can be taken off. All I can say is to put her on the Commode every couple of hours. Otherwise, if you are going to keep her with you then u may want to change to a vinyl floor.

I really understand how you feel, but we have to be ready to say, I can't do it all. Mom is only going to get worse. If Dad is not showing signs yet of Dementia, he may. Parkinsons and Dementia go together. I would not wait until you get drastically overwhelmed to make a decision about Mom. If your parents have no money for an AL, then talk to Medicaid. If your brother is disabled or had other problems he maybe able to staynin the house. I found I just wasn't a caregiver. I went around at the different facilities near me and took tours. When I walked into the last one, I knew this is where Mom had to be. She had the best care there. The aides and staff loved her. Even though she was not able to participatevinvall the activites, they still included her. One person really cannot do it all. It does take a village.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
I don't know if I'm stubborn, determined, or just afraid of failure. My Mother is terrified of going to a NH and I promised her she never would. My Dad feels he has no one but me and really, as care giving goes, he doesn't. I appreciate you sharing your experience with your Mother - you were wise enough to make decisions that benefited both of you. I know that there may come a day when I just "can't" do it all any more and I pray that I have the wisdom to do the right thing. Thank you JoAnn.
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Forgot to mention: she's been incontinent for close to two years, so she wears Depends.
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Oh dear. Oh, dip. The famous “promise” to never put a LO in a facility. The promise that is a ticket to a round the World guilt trip that could last the rest of your life. You’ll be traveling with burnout, depression, exhaustion, confusion and sadness among others.

Peeing in inappropriate places is not a reason (yet) for putting her in a facility. Is it possible she’s confused and doesn’t know if she should just wet her Depends or sit on the commode? I’m fearful of uncarpeted floors. When they’re wet they can become nasty slippery. There are very large rubber mats available st office supply places and home improvement stores that can be mopped up and Mom wouldn’t be able to move it.

Trust yourself to know when its time I have confidence that you “got this” for Mom.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thank You!!! The rubber mat is a brilliant idea!

Yep - I'm on that trip. Do you ever experience depression or anxiety while caring for your LO? How do you cope? Forgive me if I'm being too personal.
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Everything I post tonight is posting twice! I know I'm only clicking once. Better call it a night. This just hasn't been my day. Thank you to all of you who take the time to care. You are such a blessing.

Janet 💙
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Janet, have you considered a place that your parents can stay together and have all the help mom needs?

Promises of never are unfair to all involved, no one wants to live in a facility, but would your mom really want to put you through this?

If they need care more than likely their house will need to be sold for their care, so your brother could not just take it. If he has been there, uninvited you will have a fight on your hands for sure but, he doesn't have any rights to their house.

Can you get some respite before you have to make any decisions?
After a good rest I would focus on getting them the care they need and let the rest shake out from what that requires.

Hugs for all you do!
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thank you for your suggestions and concern. Fact is, my Dad would never stay with my Mother. They had an ugly divorce about 55 years ago and if my Mother had her mind she wouldn't be here. Even though Mother doesn't know who I am, somewhere inside her she knows that she is safe with me and that she can trust me. Sometimes I get so exhausted that I lose whole days (like today) and I snap at everyone - that is so not right.

My Dad has his own house and I deeded my Mother's house to my brother. I want him to have it.

For now, I'm just doing my best - one day at a time - and trusting God for the rest. Pun intended. Thank you. 💚
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Janet, you asked about if I get depressed, if I am on that same guilt trip. Oh, yes, I am. My husband is bedridden and still very sharp mind-wise. I do everything for him but feed him. Sometimes I am so nasty to him I want to burst into tears and beg him to forgive me. He was never much of a husband and at least once during our marriage found someone he liked better than me. Now, I’m wiping his behind and bathing him every day. He weighs over 300 pounds and my bad back is even worse from flipping him in bed to change him. I get REAL down. He can’t go to a nursing home because we can’t self-pay. If by some chance we would ever qualify for Medicaid, they claim they will ,save you enough to live on, but we don’t have enough now even with our 2 checks. I would have to give up everything to live in a very small apartment.

So yes, I am very depressed and anxious. I get thru by taking one day at a time. I’ve learned to say no to some of Hubby’s orders/requests if I don’t feel like it. I’m still-looking for a solution, like everyone else on this forum.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
I am so sorry. From your posts, I thought, "this woman's got it all together," and wished I could be like you. Well - I do. But I wouldn't want your circumstances! I struggle with a Mother who has bouts of diarrhea and the constant messes, but I love and respect her. You are giving your all to someone who has disrespected you and your marriage. Oh, how my heart aches for you. You are a jewel of a woman to sacrifice and care for him in spite of it all. I understand the anger and frustration and I appreciate your willingness to share. In a sad sort of way, it's comforting to know others share your same struggles. This is a hard road to hoe and no one can begin to understand unless they've been down it. I pray for you as you continue to care for your husband - may you find moments of peace and joy in the daily routines. I also pray that you find help with the burden of tugging and pulling on him and you find the solution your looking for. Bless you, you precious woman.
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well use depends or what ever you want depends is the best ..i was very lucky my mom's bladder went out on her so she had to have a catheter to the end .. well also if going the depends way watch for diaper rash it happens .. depends is the best to use .so good luck ..
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Odd thing to say, but I totally understand. My Dad was having a terrible time - wetting himself and everything else - until he got a catheter. Now quality of life has greatly improved! Thanks for writing.
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i forgot to mention that if messy get her on toilet sit her down get a pair of scissors cut them in 1/2 then you do not have much of a mess ..also have a trash can there with you need it ..that is what i did my mom with a catheter causes more problems so that is what to do .. also might get a shower head that has a hose to use .use that to clean so easy you will see ..
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I agree about the Depends. They are awesome and can tear off on the sides. My mother is on Medicaid and they are shipped to us. I also get the extra thick kotex for at night extra absorption and the disposable and washable chucks. There is an alarm that you can put on her bed when she gets up to alert you
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If she already uses depends at night, there are some anti-strip pjs that she could wear that would keep her from removing the depends.

https://www.silverts.com/alzheimers-clothing/
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Stilltired Sep 2018
I too, used anti-strip pjs for my mother-in-law as she would urinate everywhere.  Once I purchased the back zip pjs this stopped.  Every evening I took her to the bathroom and then bathed her and got her into her overnight depends and then zipped her into her pjs, she loved them - they were snug and gave her a sense of security.
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You are not doing anything wrong. Your mom's logic and the sense of right and wrong do not work well anymore. Therefore, she does what she does. It is not her fault either.

Reduce the amount of liquid intake at least two hours before bedtime. No caffeinated drinks at dinner time. Depends, if she would wear them would be wonderful. Maybe a one piece suit at night so that she would not have access to the shorts.

By hook or crook, take her to the bathroom before bed time. Give her enough time to go, longer than she usually needs. Stay with her and sing to her or talk about good memories, reminisce, whatever to keep her on the toilet for the time you deem necessary.

Just in case, use a large underpad, something which is strong and holds enough urine discharge underneath her bed sheet. She would not have access to it to take it out. At least, if the bed get soiled, it will be just the bed sheet.

Good luck.
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dlpandjep,
When my mom became incontinent, we encouraged her to stay in the bed during the night. We would definitely decrease fluids at night, but be careful to increase them during the day to avoid dehydration, etc. Then, every night before bedtime, we would let her stay on the toilet to empty her bladder well and tell her “sleep well and don’t get out of the bed because we don’t want you to fall.” (When they become disoriented to do things that lack common logic, then they become higher risks for a fall.) My mom’s caregiver encouraged me to train her and just keep toileting her well before bedtime and keep reminding her every night to stay in bed. Mom wore depends and we used a washable urine pad and sometimes used disposable ones. Anyway, she listened and stayed in the bed! This way, we rested well and she did too. The only thing was that she would be soiled in the morning but we would bathe/change her clothes in the morning. Hope that helps you!! His Blessings to you and your family!
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thank you for your ideas. Mother is a very good sleeper, and does well most of the time. I took her to the local clinic last Friday and hopefully I'll get a "clean" urine sample soon. I do use the heavy bed pads and have a mattress cover. I've reached the point that, whenever she's missing, I know something's wrong. Just need to keep up with her. She moves well.

Blessings to you too!
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I think it is time for adult diapers for mom - just for the hygene factor alone - don't ask her .... tell her it is for her own sake or yours - she is going down a path that you can't follow - you may have to buy adaptive clothing to stop her taking off the diaper to use the floor or use some safety pins or other adaption to keep the clothes on - I see one lady in NH that has 1 piece suit with a back zipper to keep her from undressing all the time
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thank you moecam. She wears adult diapers - has for years.
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You’re abdolutely doing nothing wrong!!!
mom sounds as if she’s lost the capacity to comprehend the logical steps to toilet herself. It’s nothing you have any control over.
Try incontinence pads or depends underwear. Instead of pads on the bed, try putting a waterproof mattress cover, OR put the pads under the sheet.(it won’t save the sheet, but it’s better than nothing)

ive taken all dad’s undies away and replaced them with depends. The only problem, is dad wears them for DAYS at a time. They end up completely saturated and dripping. He refuses to change, and soaks everything he sits on. I cover everything with plastic and towels, and sometimes “show him” the wet towel to get him to finally change. My next step is a home health aide who might be able to get him to change at least once a day!
Good luck!
Unfortunately, this situation doesn’t get better. Once it begins, it spirals downward..... but, it’s not your fault!!
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
Yikes. How about a small pair of scissors handy and you could snip them off one side when he is going to the bathroom and tell him they are ripped, better find another pair? Would he go for that?
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You are not doing anything wrong! This is dementia--the maddening part for those of us who are or have been caretakers. Somehow when all the normal neurologic connections are damaged and lost, there appears this totally irrational behavior which doesn't respond well to modification. My experience was having my husband wear two pull-ups to bed, but having total urinary incontinence at that time with still a sense of needing to urinate, he would hop out of bed, lean over and push the pull-ups and pajama bottoms down to around his ankles and then try to shuffle into the toilet, urinating the whole way. I would most nights then be up from 2-3-4 AM cleaning up the mess and making sure that he didn't try to stand up from the toilet until I had mopped up the mess so that he wouldn't slip and fall. And then into the shower if he was really a mess, new pjs, new pull-ups, etc. I did this nightly for about three months until I reactivated an old fever blister virus in my inner ear (probably due to being SO immune-suppressed from all the lost sleep, etc.) and came down with such a severe vertigo that I was totally incapable of anything and ended up in the hospital. At that time he went into assisted living where he then remained and never came back home, as he had also at the same time pretty much lost his ability to take the stairs up into our house. In retrospect, and something you might think of, I might have tried the actual "diapers" with the taped sides, which, with some reinforced taping might have been impossible for him to push down. However, that would have probably aggravated and disturbed him so much that I would have then had another problem to deal with at 3 AM! I can only wish you luck and strength, and the knowledge that "this, too, will pass..." (That became my "go-to" motto when feeling really down...)
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Wow! You've been through it! I have used the diaper type underwear and she still pulls it down. Once down, it's hard to get them up. My problem is the diarrhea. She gets is about every 10 days. I have to be careful while I'm cleaning her up - or things get very messy. Why can't she just have a normal BM???? Nurses don't have an answer.

Thanks for sharing and thanks for the encouragement.
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Another possibility for you - and/or others in the same predicament: Don't overlook the help he may be entitled to as a veteran! VA might be able to cover a lot of his care at home, or in a VA home. And help might be faster to get than Medicaid.
Again, check with a lawyer connected with an ElderCare for the best possibilities for you both.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
My Dad does have VA care. They have been enormously helpful! Thanks for the suggestion.
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Have you not thought of adult briefs?
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
Right!!! Will she wear them? Also- a sitter? Is she not being watched closely? Or is she sneakily doing this?
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I am sorry but unless you want to clean up after her 24/7/365, then you have no choice but to remove her from the home and put her into a facility where they are trained to take care of people like this. YOU are NOT doing anything wrong. You mother has LOST IT and it will only get worse. Do something now before you find yourself in the insane asylum.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thanks Riley - I just love this forum. People are so real and they give such honest, blunt answers. I know she's lost it, and frankly, I'm not far behind her. But for now, I'll keep trying. One day at a time.........
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I would suppose she has dementia too. First check for a UTI. If not a problem, then I will say, my mom went down hill real quick. She lived only two months after that started. She was more confused than ever. We loved on her. I had decided to just change carpeting after she passed, as I couldn't keep ahead of it. I had hospice come in and they had a hospital bed. They put a Foley in her, and I had to change how I did things those two months. She had to be changed for #2 frequently. I am glad I did all I could. My husband helped me.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thank you for your suggestions and sharing your experience.

I took her to be checked for a UTI, but she couldn't go at the clinic. Hoping to get a sample at home. I think she has one, from her odd behavior.

Bless you for the love and care you gave your Mother. You must have a very special husband, to help you.
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If you think she has a uti and the clinic Dr will let you take a clean sample from home, my suggestion is to use 2 hats. The CNAs at mom NH use this method...2 hats used back to back ensure that the pee doesn’t go into the toilet by mistake. Mom could never positioned herself properly on the toilet to hit just one hat.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
Thanks!
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I know what you are going through, my husband would pull his pull-ups down at night and wet the bed. I started off putting drawstring short on backwards and that worked pretty good but what I found to work best was to put duct tape just low enough not to touch the skin and pretty snug. I just cut them off carefully in the morning. Hope this helps. I found that praying gives me strength when I’m at the end on my rope. Here’s a hug.
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dlpandjep Sep 2018
I love hugs - Thanks! 💜
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Moecam, I didn’t know about adaptive clothing. Glad you mentioned it.
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dlpandjep,
Check out Amazon for senior incontinence onsies and other products. I swear they have EVERYTHING you can think of! I bought my mother an adult onsie (like the snap bottom T-shirts for babies) but she got the snaps undone. It's good to hold the diaper in place on a disabled person without dementia. I suppose you can turn it backwards to have the snaps in the back?
And here are big bear hugs to make you feel better.
((((((💚💛 🐻💜 💙))))))

Heartsick,
OMG, We had to do the duct tape thing too! Oh, I'm so glad to hear someone else did that!!! It was the ONLY way she'd keep her pants on. We felt so bad "tapeing her up" every night but I couldn't risk her urinating everywhere. Thanks for posting on that! 😀
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Heartsick2 Sep 2018
SueC
The duct tape has worked well for me and he doesn’t seem to mind it.
Now I don’t stay awake and try to hold his hands😐🙂
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