Mother screams insults when we leave. What can we do to ease the drama?

One of the best tools is known as the therapeutic fib. You can extricate yourself from a bad situation by saying you have an appointment even when you don’t. I recently read a very helpful book called Loving Hard to Love Parents...I suggest you get a copy. It deals with personality disorders and dementia and how as an adult child to cope using strategies. Written by a psychologist whose primary focus are adult children of difficult parents. It’s best when you leave to just say to yourself..that she has dementia. Is it easy to do?...no....but it gets easier. Also..the staff have heard residents say all kinds of negative things about their children and probably think nothing of it. They know it’s dementia bringing it out.
As some of us have learned, it does no good to reason or argue with them...it doesn’t help or resolve anything and only makes us angry and damages our own health. So take your power back and realize she can’t have power over you if you don’t let her.

Swright2 I can guarantee of anyone showed up with
lemon pie and a milkshake for me I'd be thrilled beyond words. Reminds me of visiting my girl in mc with strawberry milkshakes. Sometimes it would be him, dh, sil, me and a couple others having shakes. Curse the Mickey d's when their shake machine was down. Thanks for the pleasant memory jog. Barney was a lovely person and is greatly missed. I hope we all have some good moments today.
Sanity for the caregivers, and their los.

We aren't a huggy kissy bunch either, but I usually give my Mom a hug when I leave. I always tell her I have to go to work, that's about the only place she doesn't offer to help me in some fashion, although there are times when she offers. Sometimes I try to explain that it's all computerized and she wouldn't be able to help, other times I tell her that's a great idea and I will let her know when we have something she can help us with.

I'm still working on my answers. LOL

Murphy, your answer about the kissy, huggy stuff helped me a lot. My family is not like that either. When we go to see my mil at the NH, when we leave, I usually put her blanket around her, pat her on the shoulder or hand and say see you soon or whatever. Can't stand all the show some make taking 10 minutes to get out the door with all the hugging, kissing, love you bunches, etc.

Don't go back.

I see mom daily but never make a big deal when I leave. I ask her if she's warm and comfortable, tell her I'll be back in a bit (pretty much true), then I walk down the hall and just leave quietly. I think it's almost cruel in light of the circumstances how some people will make a bit kissy-huggy deal of leaving, more of a show for anybody watching. We're not a huggy-kissy bunch in my family for the most part.

Well, you succeeded to have an amiable visit with her by bringing treats to eat...Wonderful.
Above all, try to keep in mind that she has dementia, and thus is not capable of controlling what she says, and be grateful of times when she is more pleasant.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Yes; pie, candy, cookies and ice cream are magic tools of distraction for the demented

That’s great swright. I’m glad you have had a successful visit without the abuse when  you leave. The treats were a great idea.

Today I went to see mom with a milkshake and lemon pie in hand. She was happy to eat that while we chatted. I stayed about 20 min and told her I had to go to my doctors appointment. She got up to go and I said that it was MY doctors appointment and she didn't need to go. She sat down and I said see you later. No cussing or hateful remarks. I will try that next time too!

swright2 - so sorry to hear that. I'm dreading the day my mom - if it hasn't started already is going to be "hell on wheels". She's 91 - can still drive, cook etc. but recently moved back in with me. I don't have the money to put her in her own senior apartment, and my brothers do not help out financially. After basically trying to ruin my Christmas Eve morning by creating drama, telling me rudely I needed to lose 10 lbs. - I always bark at her and can dish it out but can't take it and brings up something I said 30 years - yes 30 years ago! I really thought she suffered a stroke during the night or something! What the hell! All of this is a bald face lie. I then asked her why - if I'm such a horrible person - does she continue to want to come and stay with me for every holiday and has now moved back in with me - for the 3rd time! I've provided a place for her to stay for a total of 18 years and I'm exhausted! Physically I've suffered ailments, emotionally and experienced severe burnout. I'm not sure what is down the road but I cannot take it if she becomes anymore verbally abusive. I plan to have a sit down with my brothers and let them know I will not be in this alone. I recently came across an article about narcissistic mothers and she was every single one of the "signs". I'm single, a homeowner, and work full-time. And I deserve to have something of a life. Good luck and God bless all the caretakers out there. No one can walk in our shoes and understand the hell it can be - even if we feel like in our heart it is the best thing to do!

97MOM she doesn’t appear to be happy when we come for a visit. She remembers I left and how angry she got but I can redirect her. She is narcissistic, always has been, so leaving her is an affront to her personally. The things she says about us in front of others are hateful and shocking to others but for us it’s what she’s done to us our entire lives.
I think I will try to have the aides distract her and just leave without saying good-bye. I’ll see how it goes today.

For more than a year I never said goodbye to my mom at her facility

I either waited til she was asleep or slipped out the door without her seeing

A good facility will try to distract your loved one when you leave

Each person's journey with dementia is different but my mom to this day tells me she does not like her facility - she is now immobile and in the hospital for the third time since August

Is she happy to see you when you arrive? If so, perhaps that is a reason to continue to visit. If the entire visit is awful, perhaps it wouid be best to not visit as often.
I’m sure it’s very frustrating for her to have you leave her behind and she isnt able to control her emotions.
If she is happy to see you when you arrive, try to focus on that when you think back over the visit. It’s a very hard time for your family. I’m sorry.

Dear swright2,

I'm so sorry to hear about what your mom says when you leave after a visit. Have you tried talking to the nurse or doctor about this? I know its really hard when dealing with advanced dementia. I hope others can give more insight.