Mother screams insults when we leave. What can we do to ease the drama?

Dear swright2,

I'm so sorry to hear about what your mom says when you leave after a visit. Have you tried talking to the nurse or doctor about this? I know its really hard when dealing with advanced dementia. I hope others can give more insight.

Is she happy to see you when you arrive? If so, perhaps that is a reason to continue to visit. If the entire visit is awful, perhaps it wouid be best to not visit as often.
I’m sure it’s very frustrating for her to have you leave her behind and she isnt able to control her emotions.
If she is happy to see you when you arrive, try to focus on that when you think back over the visit. It’s a very hard time for your family. I’m sorry.

For more than a year I never said goodbye to my mom at her facility

I either waited til she was asleep or slipped out the door without her seeing

A good facility will try to distract your loved one when you leave

Each person's journey with dementia is different but my mom to this day tells me she does not like her facility - she is now immobile and in the hospital for the third time since August

97MOM she doesn’t appear to be happy when we come for a visit. She remembers I left and how angry she got but I can redirect her. She is narcissistic, always has been, so leaving her is an affront to her personally. The things she says about us in front of others are hateful and shocking to others but for us it’s what she’s done to us our entire lives.
I think I will try to have the aides distract her and just leave without saying good-bye. I’ll see how it goes today.

swright2 - so sorry to hear that. I'm dreading the day my mom - if it hasn't started already is going to be "hell on wheels". She's 91 - can still drive, cook etc. but recently moved back in with me. I don't have the money to put her in her own senior apartment, and my brothers do not help out financially. After basically trying to ruin my Christmas Eve morning by creating drama, telling me rudely I needed to lose 10 lbs. - I always bark at her and can dish it out but can't take it and brings up something I said 30 years - yes 30 years ago! I really thought she suffered a stroke during the night or something! What the hell! All of this is a bald face lie. I then asked her why - if I'm such a horrible person - does she continue to want to come and stay with me for every holiday and has now moved back in with me - for the 3rd time! I've provided a place for her to stay for a total of 18 years and I'm exhausted! Physically I've suffered ailments, emotionally and experienced severe burnout. I'm not sure what is down the road but I cannot take it if she becomes anymore verbally abusive. I plan to have a sit down with my brothers and let them know I will not be in this alone. I recently came across an article about narcissistic mothers and she was every single one of the "signs". I'm single, a homeowner, and work full-time. And I deserve to have something of a life. Good luck and God bless all the caretakers out there. No one can walk in our shoes and understand the hell it can be - even if we feel like in our heart it is the best thing to do!

Today I went to see mom with a milkshake and lemon pie in hand. She was happy to eat that while we chatted. I stayed about 20 min and told her I had to go to my doctors appointment. She got up to go and I said that it was MY doctors appointment and she didn't need to go. She sat down and I said see you later. No cussing or hateful remarks. I will try that next time too!

That’s great swright. I’m glad you have had a successful visit without the abuse when  you leave. The treats were a great idea.

Yes; pie, candy, cookies and ice cream are magic tools of distraction for the demented

Well, you succeeded to have an amiable visit with her by bringing treats to eat...Wonderful.
Above all, try to keep in mind that she has dementia, and thus is not capable of controlling what she says, and be grateful of times when she is more pleasant.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

I see mom daily but never make a big deal when I leave. I ask her if she's warm and comfortable, tell her I'll be back in a bit (pretty much true), then I walk down the hall and just leave quietly. I think it's almost cruel in light of the circumstances how some people will make a bit kissy-huggy deal of leaving, more of a show for anybody watching. We're not a huggy-kissy bunch in my family for the most part.

Don't go back.

Murphy, your answer about the kissy, huggy stuff helped me a lot. My family is not like that either. When we go to see my mil at the NH, when we leave, I usually put her blanket around her, pat her on the shoulder or hand and say see you soon or whatever. Can't stand all the show some make taking 10 minutes to get out the door with all the hugging, kissing, love you bunches, etc.

We aren't a huggy kissy bunch either, but I usually give my Mom a hug when I leave. I always tell her I have to go to work, that's about the only place she doesn't offer to help me in some fashion, although there are times when she offers. Sometimes I try to explain that it's all computerized and she wouldn't be able to help, other times I tell her that's a great idea and I will let her know when we have something she can help us with.

I'm still working on my answers. LOL

Swright2 I can guarantee of anyone showed up with
lemon pie and a milkshake for me I'd be thrilled beyond words. Reminds me of visiting my girl in mc with strawberry milkshakes. Sometimes it would be him, dh, sil, me and a couple others having shakes. Curse the Mickey d's when their shake machine was down. Thanks for the pleasant memory jog. Barney was a lovely person and is greatly missed. I hope we all have some good moments today.
Sanity for the caregivers, and their los.

One of the best tools is known as the therapeutic fib. You can extricate yourself from a bad situation by saying you have an appointment even when you don’t. I recently read a very helpful book called Loving Hard to Love Parents...I suggest you get a copy. It deals with personality disorders and dementia and how as an adult child to cope using strategies. Written by a psychologist whose primary focus are adult children of difficult parents. It’s best when you leave to just say to yourself..that she has dementia. Is it easy to do?...no....but it gets easier. Also..the staff have heard residents say all kinds of negative things about their children and probably think nothing of it. They know it’s dementia bringing it out.
As some of us have learned, it does no good to reason or argue with them...it doesn’t help or resolve anything and only makes us angry and damages our own health. So take your power back and realize she can’t have power over you if you don’t let her.

LOL...food always works! All the best to you....

My dad has advanced dementia. Lots of times when I’m ready to leave I say I have groceries in the car and I need to get home to put them away or I use the weather a lot as a reason for leaving, or I say I don’t want to drive home in the dark. ( I’m less than 5 minutes away). Sometimes I think the trigger especially now in the winter is he sees me with my coat on and he wants to go “home” too.

I set my smartphone alarm to go off after a certain number of minutes (20 max). When it rings, I say, "Gotta go pick up the kids or we'll get in trouble for being late. I'll be back, don't worry." If she wanted to know where? "They are just down the street at the church but that alarm meant I was supposed to be there then. Not enough room in the car for all the ones coming home with me tonight and you too, so you better stay here."

Simple "Ignore it" She probably doesn't know what she is doing.

It does make it difficult if you don’t remember that they loose the ability to function well socially at times. Try not to take it personally and try some of the suggestions here. It is so very difficult for you and your siblings. I thought it was hard until my husband stopped verbalizing at all. That is very painful. Try to find a way to leave that will make you feel more comfortable- and hopefully not “set her off”. It is one horrible disease

The best advise I was given when my mom said things was to ignore it as she doesn't really know what she is saying. I promise you'll survive and will be happy that you got to be with her in her final days.

To - swright2
I read all the comments and some of them reminded me of what I did when my infant children would get upset and were unable to control their emotions. I would pop a marsachino cherry in their mouths and hug them while I sang a song to them. Worked every time. I also remember when my Aunt was dying at a young age of brain cancer. Her husband visited her every night and before he left he would hug her and sing their favorite song till she relaxed. A ritual that they got accostomed to relaxed them and they felt their world was going to be alright. Be patient but do use any tactic you can to distract her when you are leaving. Good to hear that the staff is helping out.

Hang in there - this isn't easy on any of us

Love,
RosePetal

How is your mom when you first arrive? That's the main question that should be focused on. If she seems hateful when you first arrive, then that should tell you right there how she really feels. I would listen very carefully to her words especially if she was never a very loving mother. Sometimes parents are hateful toward their kids and they never tell you how they really feel in some cases, especially if it was a stepmom. It may be that she may have never wanted kids for some reason or another because maybe she didn't think she could handle them and now she's in a situation where someone has put her into a memory care facility and her true feelings are really coming out, feelings she may have been holding in all these years. If I were you I would sit down and do some very serious soul-searching and reviewing your past with her and really pay attention to see what kind of life you all had with your mom, especially if she happens to be a stepmom and you really weren't her blood relatives. If you were, maybe she may have impregnated by accident when she was younger and really never wanted kids. This is what happens, when you play you pay. It wasn't your fault if she may not have wanted kids if she was fooling around and got pregnant all three times, as I'm gathering there are three of you. Couples want to full around but they really don't want the responsibility when a baby arrives, which can cause resentment toward those children later on. You couldn't help it you were born if she really does have resentment toward you and I'm speaking from experience, because my mom didn't like me either. She hated both me and my sister who she contributed to killing. Then there's my dad who she turned against us kids. Dad was the other culprit who got off scott free because he did his share in the killing on the way out the door to work and let mom take the full blame. I know what it is to have a hateful parent, not one, but two of them! If your mom says she's always hated you, then believe her and don't go back, I sure wouldn't if I were in your shoes especially knowing I had a rough past with both of my parents through no fault of my own. They both had mental issues and most likely had mental illness. I know mom good and you can just about bet since dad was able to be coerced into turning against his own children that he also had a screw loose. In my particular situation, knowing what I know and having been through what I was through, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if either of my parents would've said some hateful things later in life and I would've definitely believed them if they said they hated me knowing what they put me through because this is when the truth really comes out. This is something to consider if you had a rough past with your mom. 

* One final thing to consider is even if you didn't have a particularly rough past with your mom, she still may not have wanted kids but only tolerated you because of your dad. Sometimes when we love someone, we must take the good with the bad, even if they have some bad habits or if they have kids that do stuff we don't particularly like. Something like this can actually cause resentment toward those kids if they happen to be step kids. If your mom happens to have married a rich man and expected him to go before her, she may be disappointed that because of her dementia, now she's in memory care and can no longer expect to cash in if he goes before her because now the nursing home gets all that money, unless he has something set up to provide for her when he's gone. Sometimes when a rich man has a death or divorce and remarry's and takes his kids into a new marriage, sometimes there is resentment over money but the kids really never know it until later. Another thing that can happen like with my parents  is mom who had nothing married a rich man, my dad. We lived off of his income but I think the real reason why mom was secretly trying to knock us kids off is most likely over the money we didn't know dad had. I'll bet mom most likely expected dad to go first since he had what could potential he have been a very dangerous job on the assembly line so she most likely thought she would cash in and be the only living heir to the fortune because her plan was all of us kids would be gone and the whole entire fortune would be hers. However, God intervened knowing her sick plan and he took her first and now I'm the only one left. See how the tables turn when you have hateful  parents? See how God intervened on my behalf and acted in my favor? Now I'm the only one standing and I'm the only one entitled to the fortune she thought she would kill us all over, and now this first song that comes to my mind is titled, another one bites the dust. I strongly suspect there was probably a problem with your mom that you all may not have known and I  only speak from personal experience with my own parents. If you had a rough past with your parents through no fault of your own, they will more likely say hateful stuff to you later in life. If they kept their thoughts to themselves and just tolerated you but didn't really like you, it can also  come out later in life if they land somewhere they don't want to be and they resent you for putting them there like in memory care. I strongly suspect this as a possibility having had hateful parents myself. If they really don't like you when you're young, they'll hate you when they're old and that's my personal experience

Sounds like your figuring it out, that's great. Treats was a great idea! Brings back memories of when my grandmother was in the hospital, she wasn't eating had no apatite so I started bringing her coffee shakes every time I visited. I became a "thing" we shared for years, well after that particular hospital visit and extended to others and later when she had dementia. She always remembered those coffee shakes and she always perked up when anyone mentioned them. It really became more about me bringing them which was nice for me too because I remember my aunt asking where I got them or what the trick was because GM didn't enjoy the ones she brought as much when trying to put weight on her another time. Hehehe, my GM had a sweet tooth as well though so treats were a good way to go with her as well. Anyway while the treats themselves serve a purpose I think the act of taking them or sharing them, whatever it is (different for everyone) can become the ritual that overcomes the problem, feeling left in this elderly home in this case and picking up on those ques can be key in dealing with these big hurdles. How scary it must be to have dementia and yet know you are being left without any of your loved ones in this new place. The dementia can make them paranoid too and when your brain is doing things you have no control over it must be easy to let paranoia creep in, the fear everyone you know and love is leaving and not trusting they will come back or you will wake up yet you can't fully grasp it all or remember what is happening, doing just what you are and associating good experiences with this new place and your visits, perfect. I would also consult the people there or any other professionals that come to mind about it, tell them what's happening and see what ideas they might offer about how to ease her through this. They must see this all the time and have an arsenal of things that work for families including perhaps what someone else mentioned, having the staff there help with the exit.

You just need to remember for your sanity that her words and behavior aren't really about you or the current moment, they are coming from her disease and as hard as it is try to detach from the personal reaction and emotion. Hope that made some sense... You aren't alone and more people than you realize are sending you emotional support. I bet everyone in earshot when this is going on, everyone of sound mind anyway, knows exactly what your going through, wants to help but knows there isn't anything they can do except stay out of the way. Most have probably been in some form of your situation, think about what you will be thinking/feeling when the new resident of the room next door is doing the same thing to his or her son/daughter. Hang in there and keep up the good work!

Wow, sounds like one of our long-winded regulars is REALLY off her meds today, lol! Please ignore!

My mother sometimes dozed off mid-visit and I would sneak out, but she never got surly or demanded to go home. Distraction worked well, I would give her a cookie or a magazine or little stuffed animal from the dollar store. "Here, Mom, this is for you. I am running out for a while, I'll be back soon." A true statement! She had no sense of time, I visited her for my OWN peace of mind once a week.  She babbled nonsense and non-sequitors responding to me, I wasn't sure if she even understood what I (or she herself) was saying.... One time her ex-neighbor visited with me, and we said, 'we have to go now, they want us to move the car' and she followed us down the hall to the elevator in her wheelchair! "I'm going with you, of course!" Ah, a distant memory after seeing the neighbor popped up!  They spent a lot of time together.... We asked an aide to distract mom while we made our escape, and when I next showed up a couple of days later, she didn't remember the visit with her friend, or by me for that matter,  at all!  

my feeling. I would just walk out and let her scream and yell. there's nothing you can do, so don't even try.

I've been told that dementia can make people turn 180 deg from what they used to be and I witnessed that with my dad. He never ever used a swear word in his life, but apparently would cuss at the nursing staff and get quite verbally aggressive. We were shocked. It's hard for us, but it must be unbearable for them. Always try 'gentleness', it works so much better. The minute we get upset or angry, they get twice as difficult.

So sorry you're going through this and your sisters too.

Talk with the facility manager. Explain what Mom is doing and make a game plan.

Ask if Mom does the same thing with the staff.

If she doesn't, then perhaps the game plan could be a signal that you want to leave and a staffer will come in with an excuse that you need to leave. Say your goodbyes and leave.

My mom gets mad whenever the Caregiver leaves. She starts to scream and curse. Whenever somebody spends the night she gets mad why they sleep in my brother’s room. There is nowhere else to sleep.

My wife (86 with dementia) sometimes screams at me when I leave and sometimes it's hugs and kisses. She will tell me to never come back, but forgets all about it the next visit. But she also sometimes gets hostile in the middle of a visit, for no reason at all. She's always happy when I arrive for a visit. I realize it's her dementia causing this and I've learned to live with her changing moods.
Incidentally, did you get your handle (swright2) from Senor Wences?