Mother screams insults when we leave. What can we do to ease the drama?

Thanks for everyone's suggestions. I know she has dementia and that she really does mean what she says when she is cruel. It's something we have lived with since we were little. I was just asking so that when I leave she doesn't disturb the other residents with her screaming and profanity. I am used to it and all that comes with her hatefulness I was just trying to see if you experts knew of a tried and true method. I am so glad I found this forum!!
Donsully - no I am using the handle bc it's easy to remember! LOL

DO NOT RESPOND TO ACRIMONIOUS BEHAVIOR.

Well my first thought is that she needs to have her meds adjusted. My wife has exhibited similar behavior and we as soon as it became a problem outside the home her doctor changed her meds so that it calmed her down. That was only two months ago, and then we pretty much immediately were able to get her a room in a memory care facility. She wants to go home and lets us know constantly, and when I show up it can sometimes be awkward. Anyway, we do not like to see her somewhat over-medicated, but she no longer screams and makes threats etc. So we felt there was nothing else we could do.

It has been weeks since I had a good visit with my mother. She is not in memory care, but in a regular nursing facility. She does suffer from bipolar disorder and in the last couple of months her medication needed to be adjusted several times. Visits were not pleasant though there was no screaming and cursing like swright’s mother. That must be very difficult for you and her. I agree with several posters that you should distract her and slip out.
Today, for the first time in a while, we had a good visit. I got us both coffee from the cafeteria and we watched an old movie in her room. Before I left, I wheeled her to the cafeteria so she could eat dinner with her “homegirls”, only one of them still has verbal ability to greet her, but I think they all communicate with each other nonetheless. I said goodbye with a hug and kiss (yes, we have always been demonstrative in my family - we’re Latinos and we live in the South where everyone hugs and kisses anyway). When I left, she said “Take care”. I had to go back and ask her to repeat what she said because I thought I had heard wrong. It has been a long time since she has expressed concern for me. I know that these good visits are rare, and the next visit might be another in which I am sad and crying, but for today, it was good.

I have learnt a lot from my experience with our mum, now looking back over past few years of uphill and downhill daily challenges. Mum passed away in March this year. I am now reflecting back on the memories. I liked to think that mum would always be her sweet self till the end, but illness affects us all, with loss of freedom and dependent on others to care for us, is a challenging time for them. That we can't do the things we used to, our bodies are slowing down and that can affect our moods and irritations, so they vent on the ones close to them. We all humans need to vent. That has an effect on their moods daily. My advice is you cannot argue with your loved one, no matter how much you try to reason who is right or who is wrong, they may say things that you cannot reason with, but you will end up more upset and hurt if you get locked into an argument. Try to make the times you spend together creative, rather than talking together too much. I used to tell mum let us say a prayer together, and she loved that. It was prayers that she liked and also tell them that we can pray for others too, everyone needs prayers, even the carers, nurses, staff, need prayers. So that makes them feel that they are not alone in their suffering, that others have needs too. I also used to find a familiar hymn on YouTube or soft music and play it from my mobile phone or ipad, while she relaxed in evenings or sing to her softly.

Some very good answers here! I also would make a fairly quiet and low key exit. I was sad to think about not being kissy huggy though. I don’t like the idea of it being prolonged and over emotional. However, hugs are so good for the soul! Loving physical contact is a necessity in life and more so for the elderly. It doesn’t have to be a full body hug though. One of the best feelings I ever got as a child was having my mom lovingly stroke my head. I do it to my children and get the same pleasure. And it is obvious when I do it to my mom that she loves it. She leans in to it like a cat! So don’t forget how much they may need that physical touch. It may not be at the end and it might even be as simple as gently rubbing lotion on their hands or feet but that unnecessary and intentional physical contact is really important to validate them as a worthwhile human being.

Swright,
SO sorry that you had a mean (awful) mom. Mine wasn't mean just narcissistic and didn't really want to be bothered with a (whoops) kid. Your childhood must have been hell. You sound so calm and together for what you've suffered. How wonderful you and your sisters are for even having anything to do with her. You will be blessed.

What worked for my mom was the same as most posters--distraction and fibbing.
"I have to go to the bathroom,
I'm going to get a drink of water,
I left something in the car,
The nurse wants to talk to me"......
You get the idea. Since she gets "excited" when she KNOWS you are leaving, I would not bring up the fact that you are exiting.
Start with "I'm going to the ladies room". Discretely take your purse. (leave your coat near the door when you go in  or in the car.) Hopefully she won't follow you.

Enlist the cooperation of the staff to assist you to leave. They're good at that.

Hopefully mom won't chew you out about sneaking out at your next visit.

To other posters;
Yes, my first reaction is-To heck with her-don't go back-don't visit. If she's always hated me then she can be by herself.

But, loving someone (as best as you can) IN SPITE of them hating you, is fulfilling what the Lord has asked us to do. Be the bigger person and show the hater how to love. We can be a model to them of how we are loved by God. Have compassion on their miserable souls, pity them for missing out on a life filled with joy and warmth and having a heart filled with hate.

God can't forgive us unless we forgive others. We need to be compassionate.

What about the Golden Rule? 
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Also, let's not forget-these parents have a brain disease that is distorting their views and destroying their actual brain matter. Even IF she meant what she said, she's suffering now.

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:40

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

My wife is in a NH because of a stroke which resulted in the lose of use of her right limbs. She is 57, bipolar, and is paranoid about her health. In fact she went to the emergency room 60+ times this year, before the stroke. She doesn't want to be in a NH but i can't physically take care of her at this point. She is beginning to regain some use of her right limbs but still needs 2 people to transfer from bed to wheel chair and wheel chair to toilet. She has begun to walk on parallel bars with the help of 3 people.
I said all this to say she thinks she is ready to come home. She gets angry every time i leave without taking her with me. Either she can't or doesn't want to understand that she's not ready. She outweighs me by about 50 lbs, plus I have been disabled for over 20 years because of 2 failed back surgeries. She keeps telling me that i don't love her instead of trying to understand that she needs more therapy. She has not been home in 60 days and every day but one I have been with her no less then 4 hours and up to 16 hours. We also have a 15 year-old learning disabled son that I am raising. I don't get the yelling, but the guilt trip is terrible.

I have nearly always brought something to mom when I visit - she smiles when I get there much like Pavlov's dog because she associates me with pleasure - I not saying this needs to be expensive things & sometimes she doesn't know me other than a familiar face

Right now I find picking up a medium hot chocolate from Tim Horton's is what she likes - I bring 2 plastic Tupperware mugs so we can share - she was always asking if I wanted part of her treat so she feels better when we share - I get a large cookie there to & they will cut it in half for me to share too - I get this about 15 minutes before I get there in case of spillage so she doesn't get burned

Once she starts equating you with pleasure then start saying a low key good-bye with "what would you like me to get you?" so that she will think you are going to get her something BUT that's for next time - try it as it could make her feel when you leave it's for her benefit - good luck

I appreciate all of these suggestions!
I have sat next to her and tried to rub her arm or hug her and she screams DON'T TOUCH ME. I will try to put some lotion on her arms or legs and maybe she will allow me to do that.
SueC - yes, our childhood was a nightmare and I left for college after graduating from high school. She takes credit for getting me into the university which bothers me bc I worked hard to get good grades and she was not an encouraging type of parent but it's part of her narcissism. I am a teacher and she has told me many times she is ashamed of me bc I chose that profession when SHE hated school. This was before her dementia set in. I am used to it now but it did hurt my feelings as she brought it up every time I visited her. I liked school because I felt safe there and admired my teachers.
Moecam - I will bring her some hot chocolate and share it with her. I'm sure she will like that.

It's interesting to hear everyone else's stories. I know I am not alone.

swright2 you are a saint. My mother was like that and honestly I couldn't deal with it,
not sure how you do it. My mother is now passed and I care for my narcissistic father
who is manipulative, deceptive and demanding, but does not verbally abuse. Thank god.

I'd second what everyone else is saying, just politely walk away when she acts like that. And don't worry about the facility caregivers, they are probably happy to have respite
with your visit and know how to deal with behavior like that. Unfortunately, many
Alzheimer's patients can become combative, they've likely seen it all.

You're doing above and beyond. Kudos to you for caring for such a parent and keeping
your equanimity.

Yes. Sweets are the favorite, for some reason. My mom loved sweets so much, I found her a few times, DRINKING from the maple syrup bottle and screamed bloody murder when I tried to take it from her. We would go to the grocery store and she would steal bananas and ride around the store eating them. Of course, she would never do these things when before the Alzheimer's and always told us she loved us. I missed that part. I never thought she would ever be hateful and curse like she did the months before she passed. I still miss her everyday. It was 2 years ago this Christmas she left us. Good luck to all you caregivers and please take care of yourselves in this New Year.

One time while visiting a care home, I saw residents consuming sugar packets! I thought "how strange!"

You can eliminate the drama, by eliminating the good bys; when its time to go, just leave,

My folks were never mean to us or stopped telling us they loved us. Both had dementia! We were Blessed. The Sugar though, that seems to be the last taste bud left to them as they/we age. Dad could consume 10 packets of sugar in a single cup of coffee. Did a real number on his stomach, though!
Mom is getting the same way. If it is dessert, it must by good, well if it is sweet, that is....