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My Mother is 90 years old, and still lives alone in the house that she owns in Chelsea, MA just outside of Boston. I have one brother who lives 1/2 half mile away from my Mother, a 5 minute drive by car. My brother has POA and my Mother named him as the Executor of her will. My Mother has added him to her checking and savings account. He told me he would help our Mother out by picking up her medications, and food, and would take her food shopping, since she wants to go with him to pick out her own food. So far, he only takes her once in a great while, and my Mother ends up taking a taxi to the Drug Store, Bank, and food shopping. She told me she does not want to impose on his time, he has things to do on the weekends, then she complains that she has to pay for a taxi cab. All the relatives think that me and my husband should be the ones to take her on errands and to her Doctor appointments. We have done that for the last 5 years. However, my husband and I live 30 miles away in the suburbs, about an hours drive, we have lived here for over 41 years. We are now finding it more difficult to make the drive thru the Boston traffic, and my husband and I have had our own health problems and many Doctor visits. My Mother is blind in one eye, and has poor eyesight in her "good eye" all due to years of Glaucoma. She also has hearing loss and was told she needs hearing aids, but refuses to get them. She said they are too expensive and they don't work very well. She has plenty of money to buy them. Her Primary care Doctor, and her Podiatrist told her that she would be able to walk more easily, with better balance, if she would use a cane. She refuses to use one. I have spent days and weeks staying at her house to help her out with many things. I have often put my life on hold. My problem is this: I have tried to have the family get-togethers at my house, but my Mother insists on having everything at her house. She wants to do all the food shopping and all the cooking, which means someone has to go with her. I was getting pretty fed up with this arrangement. I finally spoke up and said that it was not fair that my husband and I are always the ones to drive to her house, and that no one wants to come to our house. I feel so guilty that I said this to her. Am I right or wrong about this?

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EasrEagle, ah, grocery shopping.... bet your Mom would like to go grocery shopping 3 to 4 times a week if she had her way. My Mom was like that and would buy only a few items on each trip. Getting my Mom to finally buy a weeks worth at one store during one trip wasn't easy... I finally had to set boundaries otherwise I wouldn't get any of my own errands done.... maybe that is what your brother is trying to do.
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Having lived in Boston for many years I completely understand. The traffic is a nightmare and just try to find parking. I no longer go in to visit friends because of that and from my experience people in the city seldom venture out, even to see family.
Are there any elder transport services available for your Mom? That might help with her errands. How you do family get togethers is a personal choice. It sounds like your Moms house is no longer the best place. It can be difficult to let go of tradition especially for our elders. It's also rough to be the one who sees the writing on the wall and the instigator of change. Be firm but gentle with her. Do what you have to do but be prepared for backlash. This stuff is hard. I wish you well.
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Of course everyone wants to do things the way they always have been done, family traditions and rituals are deeply ingrained, much more so in some than in other. How often do you all get together at mom's place? I think unless you are talking about an unreasonable number of visits then you can suck it up and attend. It doesn't mean you can't host your own barbecue and invite the family out to your place too, in fact it might be a good way to start getting them all used to gathering in a new location. If mom won't attend then so be it, at least the rest of the family could be setting up a new tradition for keeping in touch after mom is gone, because in my experience after the central figure in a family passes the glue that binds a family together is often gone.

The other issue is your mom's complaints. This is harder as she is obviously pushing your buttons, but just let her complain! It is not necessary for you to fix things or to try and be the intermediary between your mom and brother. You can't blame him because you have been guilted into running errands for her, especially since she can well afford the taxi. What would happen if you didn't run over there to help her with her shopping? Perhaps look into having groceries delivered? Others have noted that our parents tend to forget that we are getting older as well and can't be expected to do the things we used to once do easily. It's all about learning to set boundaries, and learning to deal with the fallout from that.
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Near-end of life is a really tough time to change traditions. Mom sound like she is still somewhat independent, and bless her, she is trying to be respectful of both you brothers and your time.....she could be much more demanding.
Personally, I would play along, help her cook at her place.
Are you proposing picking up and dropping mom off to have events at your place? Do you think bro should do that? I am assuming you are talking about a handful of holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter?, Mothers Day.

Not judging, just saying, I would bite my tongue and play along....been there done that....family events are not necessarily fun, sometimes they are great exercises in civility and compromise. Additionally I reward myself with "me" days where I do only what I want.
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If these events are to continue at Mon's, have everyone bring a dish and cut the cooking way down. You all have spoiled her this long and it isn't going to change. Maybe, pick the important gatherings to attend and stay home for the minor ones.
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Very difficult, that kind of generational handover. The trick is to get the materfamilias to lay down her duties and enjoy being made a grand fuss of. Are the opinionated relatives likely to help with that? Would your house be more convenient for them too, so that they might set aside tradition?

I don't see anything wrong with your suggesting change. I suppose it's a pity that you waited until you were already cheesed off and exasperated so that perhaps it sounded like resentment rather than a constructive proposal? - but never mind, can't be helped.

What are the demands on your brother's time that your mother is so reluctant to intrude on? I notice she has no problem with imposing on you..! Ain't that always the way.

I know this is easier said than done, but some of the best-adjusted people I have known are the ones who are able, guilt-free, to please themselves. They don't get aerated or defensive about it, they just say the equivalent of "this is too much and we're not doing it." So what I'd recommend, if you can pull it off, I admit that I personally am still working on it, is that you judge each event in future on its own merits, decide whether it's worth your and your husband's effort and trouble, and accept or decline the invitation to participate accordingly. Then lean heavily on that fine maxim: "never apologise. Never explain."

This is a bit of a heads-up for your brother, though. Is he aware that his mother is asking for less help than she needs from him because she doesn't like to bother him? If not, he needs to be made so; because if he's not going to be able to do more for her in the future then the family needs to come up with a better plan now.
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1. A large city like Boston should have mass transit, with special services such as dial-a-ride, small bus, connector service, etc, designed for the elderly. It would be much cheaper and safer than a taxi. In my area, these buses have wheelchair lifts as well.

2. I think your mother is trying not to reveal her discomfort in traveling but still trying to maintain some semblance of family get-togethers.

3. If you still want to have the family dinners, perhaps the family can take turns bringing her to your house. That could also apply to grocery shopping. But include get-togethers at her house as well so it doesn't seem as she's being left out as hostess. And if she does feel more comfortable there, go with the flow.

It's hard to know how much emotional energy and fatigue an older person feels from worry about traveling, travel itself, and especially after a vicious winter like Boston just had. She may have safety issues as a silent concern.

4. Your mother is probably battling recognition of the changes in her life and trying to hold onto what she has. I'd give her some leeway. Until we've been in that position, it's hard to realize how unsettling and frightening it can be.
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EastEagle, ref the clothes in particular, make it fun (yes, I know, but it *could* be!) - next time you're at your mother's house, go through her wardrobe with her and pick out her favourite items; then go on-line and filter ruthlessly until you find almost identical but subtly different ones. Thank the Lord for the internet once our mothers are past the stage of retail being therapy!

Now then. The rest of it. I think you know the answer to this, don't you? Your brother has been getting away with murder but he's not your problem. Your mother is probably too old to learn new tricks. The only thing you can change about your situation in the family is how you deal with it. One word: boundaries. Stop volunteering!
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I had an Italian mother who favored my brother and there was no pleasing her, particularly when it came to clothing. She would do the same thing with gifts from family. She would buy size 7 and a half shoes that never fit right. I finally convinced her to buy SAS shoes and when they measured her feet she was a 9. I would definitely try to go the online route and try to get items similar to what she has and likes. Try stores like Penney's or Talbots that have both online and brick and mortar stores. Makes returning easier. My dad also prefers long sleeves even in the Houston heat. Land's End is good for long sleeves out of season.
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At 90 yrs. how many more years, months or days do you think she has left? If you do not feel you can make the trips, then don't. It sounds like you have bent
over backwards to help out. Stop trying to please her and your brother. If she has money then she can pay for taxis, hearing aids and expenses. If she complains, you do not have to listen, change the subject. Take care of yourself and your hubby. Have your own fun!
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