Mother is not herself with memory, having depression and resistance seeing a Neurologist. Advice?

Suegirl, I just saw this on another site, and thought of you. Consider an elder law attorney to help you sort out what you can and can not do with your Mom's house. This way nothing will come back and bite you in the behind. Also, think about getting services started again for your Mom, so you don't have to rush. Rushing will stress you out and that's not a good way to start.

Suegirl, I just want to tell you that the last 4 months of my Mom's life was in the hospital, then rehab, which turned into hospice. I just wanted to be real clear that it did get too much for me in the end. The cancer hit her spinal cord and she lost the use of her legs. I wasn't able to handle it by myself anymore, and she needed more help than I could give. Still, I was able to go everyday and be with her during this time. There is no shame if the situation proves too much.

Suegirl, your Mom needs help. Your instinct is telling you your brother can't handle it. So step up, and step in WITH YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN with all the advice you've been given. It sounds like you want your Mom to be around people she knows and loves. This is just for you to think about. Sell the house. Keep some of her furnishing that are familiar to her. Put a few things in your house and store the rest. You and your brother keep whatever sentimental things you want from the house. Then have an estate sale, or auction for the rest of the contents to keep the chaos and stress down. Made sure you have a contract signed by you and your mother (there is one on this site to refer to) so that you are paid for looking after her. This might sound harsh to you now, but down the road you will be glad you have it. Some states will pay you to care for your parents. Contact your Area on Aging to find out what is available to you. I think it is very noble of you to care for your Mom. Realize you have options with this. If it becomes too much, bring in outside help, to assist you and give you a break, so you and your husband can have some time off. This is very important. If you burn out your won't be able to care for her properly If she has no resources the state will help pay for this. I'm saying a prayer for you that your local community has a program that your Mom can go to during the day where they have activities. so she can socialize with other seniors, and maybe give her lunch. I've heard of programs that send somebody out 2-3 times a week, where they take your Mom out for fun stuff just to give you a break. When you are caring for Mom at home, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take advantage of all these programs. Having these breaks will make you and your husband better and happier caregivers. And that means better care for your Mom. Someone mentioned getting her under the care of a gerontologist. That's a doctor who specializes in caring for people over the age of 65. Most times a regular doctor just has a how long do you want to live kind of attitude. Don't waste any more time and go get your Mom. She can't be by herself. Give it your best shot. If for some reason it doesn't work out, be grateful you will have her close to you and can see her as often as you want. You are in my prayers. Stay in touch with this site so we know how things are going. Better to have tried and failed, then not to try at all. Hugs

I would put the house in the hands of a realtor. I would give stuff to cousins and haul nothing back to CA. I would get her into an ALF in Ohio.
I have depression myself, and there is no way I would take on someone with worse symptoms, I know they would drag me down. Ask your psychiatrist if you are entering a manic phase, where you are sure you can fix everything. Once you move her in with you, expect you will crash quickly to the bottom side. You don't really want to risk that, do you?
Bear in mind that a POA can only carry out her wishes, they cannot force her to move or sell the house.

My brother has Power of Attorney, and I am second.Should my husband and I go to Ohio sell house, contents, get u haul and move her here with us. She CANT live with Brother! She can't live alone, and all services has been stopped.OR SHOULD I JUST PUT IT IN GODS HANDS, and let Brother handle it? He's a procrastinator. And I want to do ( what I think) sooner than later! He's had 3 back surgeries, and can't handle her, the house and his family.

I've never about a gerontologist. How do they help?

Also, I don't think a cat scan would diagnose all of the possible neurological issues she may have. See a good gerontologist about what range of issues you are really dealing with. Do you live in an area with good gerontological support?

You should talk to the local aging agency where she is living, and they may be able to explain the Medicare situation. Does she own her house? That's a major asset if she can't live there any more. Does she have local friends or relatives? Moving someone with possible memory or mental issues is difficult, but as it's pretty obvious that she can't live alone any longer it's a matter of where. A "nursing home" probably isn't a proper placement for her in any case, and there are several other options. Be sure you know what her actual needs are before you move her with you.

OK, sounds like you have made up your mind and are sure of yourself. We wish you the best of luck. I am sure your mom will be grateful. Please do keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

I have been reading aging care .com since 2013 after going to be with Mother 1 year after her Sister and best friend died. I learned of Moms problems then. I was in shock. Talking to her 3 times a day. 3 hours on Mother's Day. I thought something was not right with her health.she deterated drastacly in one year. Depression,stress,fear, paranoid, forgetful, bad choices, and the lack up keep of our home. We have a 3 story home, and she lives alone. I stayed 6 weeks and had to return home to Ca. I was unable to go back to her, 1 year because I had Cateract surgery,and had problems. When I returned again I found she was getting worse. Now walking with Walker, or holding on to walls and furniture. Forgetting Walker. She was eating mainly potato chips and Pepsi. She was afraid to cook because she left a burner on one night.Her grocery bill was milk, Pepsi, chips, Depends, and cat food and litter. She fainted one night and couldn't get up. But had button for emergency services. I had talked to her that night, and she said she was fine and just had a head cold. At hospital they found she had Flu and Pneumonia. She was receiving housekeeping, getting, groceries,transportation and meals on wheels, and visits from a nurse. Medicare stopped that for unknown reasons. Bad choices, borrowed on credit Card $20,000 to bail out a low life. Her house was full items she had saved all her life for me. She's either being robbed or giving things away. She has no assets. The house is In a trust to me and Brother. I have given this a lot of thought. Years! I won't put her in a nursing home. I want her to move here to Calif. with my Husband and myself. I'm active at 69, husband 71 is very good with her. I hope I've addressed everyone's inquires.

Our elders putting on as "show" for the doctor seems a common factor for may of us as we try to get them medical help. My mother was a champion at that. It was so hard to get anyone to understand the state of her mind since she would be so with it and charming on demand. At least you'll know that you are understood here - many of us have had similar experiences.

Please keep us updated.
Carol

Suegirl, I totally understand your illness. This will sound crazy to others, but not to you. Because you have experienced some ups and downs, and possibly some odd behavior over the years, you will be able to handle the mental changes your Mom may cycle through better than most. Bi-Polar is a medical condition that can be stabilized by routine medical care. Your psychiatrist will be your biggest ally through this journey. My Mom had vascular dementia, and I needed to see a psychiatrist to help me, so I could help my Mom. Toward the end of her life, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and only had 2-3 months to live. God bless my psychiatrist for making some medications adjustments to help me get through it, and be by her side until the end. I know a lot of people will judge me because of this, but I really don't care. I was by my mother's side for the last 3 years of her life, and as she passed away, my face was the last thing she saw. The only thing I would have done different, is to schedule some regular time off every week, just to refresh my energy. Please make sure you do that. Take some time every week for you and you husband. It will help to keep you a stronger team, and give you some time to de-stress. That will benefit your Mom in the long run, for real!

Caring for your parent with dementia IS a monumental task, but did your parent care for you? Some parents did not care for their children properly, and other parents did a great job. Why should our elderly "child-like" parents be thrust out for strangers in state facilities to care for? Where is our sense of responsibility? If your parent was good and caring, they deserve the same back to them. It seems very simple to me. What comes around goes around. It may be hard, but.....it is the right thing to do, if you really love your parent and if your parent was good. If NOT, then that's a different story. Good luck in your decision. It's not easy to make the right decision, but the right things in life are not always easy.

Also I want her to see Neurolgist for complete exam to see what we're dealing with.She put on a good show for Primary Doctor, which does happen. If they do a cat scan of her brain it will show if there's problems. Also she needs help with taking Medication, and telling Doctor what I observe at home. I wrote Dr. Before her visit. I also told Dr. I'm Bi-polar. I've seen same psychiatrist for 15 years. Take Medication. And can manage this. Most people don't understand my illness. It use to hurt me. But I see well people that don't want to help and have excuses.

NO ONE is going to take care of my Mother but me and my Husband. My Brother takes care of paperwork, and small fixing around house,takes me on errands, and Loves and gives me support. No one realized how Ill she was but me. Until she fainted and at hospital found she had The Flu and pnewmonia.

I think Pam's hit most of the financial issues here quite well. Renting out the house would be better than selling. It not only helps defray some of the cost of Assisted Living, but would continue to increase in equity to help pay off any existing Medicaid lien. Assisted Living is more expensive in CA than Ohio. That might be another thing to consider. I'm assuming the Trust allows you to sell the home without her being 'incapacitated"? Unfortunately, sometimes being Executrix of a Trust doesn't bestow you with the right to sell the property. Depends on how the thing is drawn up. If you can and do decide to sell, - check with a tax attorney first. There's all kinds of nonsense that goes along with selling a Trust property depending on your state, etc., & the last thing you want, is to get hit with Capital Gains tax from the sale of the home. Are you and your husband retired and that's why you're thinking of taking this on? Do you realize you may have 4 or 5 yrs of this to go? Is that how you want to spend your retirement? You didn't say much about your brother's part in this. Does he live in Ohio?

You have a lot to consider: taking care of a loved one isn't an easy job, and it's more difficult if there are neurological deficits. Moving her can lead to confusion and agitation. When did she have a full medical workup? I'd start with a good primary care doc. They can also get a sense if there is mental health issues or dementia. What does the trust say if you sell the house now? What legal issues arise? If she can't stay alone and can't afford to pay for services, then you need to think about selling the home and paying for assisted living, nursing home care or moving her in with you or other family member. If you've never been a caregiver then you have a lot to learn. Contact the area agency on aging in your area, they can give you information on options for your mom's care. volunteer at a nursing home so you can see what caring for someone that may have neurological deficits. What does your brother think? I'd speak with him and get input. There are in home services such as senior care or an adult medical day care which is a great place; your mom could socialize, be 'active' and eat a meal. They also have medical oversite. Check with your AAA, they would know if you have an adult medical day care in your community. Good luck.

It sounds like she cannot stay alone anymore. I am assuming she is Life Tenant in her house and states are now claiming the dollar value of Life Tenancy based on her age. What we did for our mom was to get her properly medicated to calm down, and moved her into Assisted Living. We rent her house for $1350/month. That plus her $1600/mo in SS covers the cost of Assisted Living. If you mom is the widow of a wartime vet, apply for Aid and Attendance from the VA, they would kick in up to $1100 a month. With all three of those, you could avoid Medi-Cal entirely.

If she's been in the house for that many years, any relocation is going to be very difficult for her; one characteristic of dementia is that patients do not make new memory well if at all. However, if she's scared and worried, and not sure where she is now, she might be open to it. You really do need a good evaluation, and perhaps a memory care facility near where either you or your brother could keep an eye on her might work.

Yes it is. But have her med's reexamined, side effects of med's, dosages, and time they are being administered, are crucial. Not all med's work the same on all people. Check for Urinar Track Infection, and blood disorders.

And what part is your brother playing in her caregiving?

Do not think about this venture before you do more research. Caring for a person with dementia is a monumental task, and even with medical education, I struggle both mentally and physically. Get as much information as you can from alz.org before considering what you are considering.

Did the Elder Care Attorney tell you to get a Neurological Exam? If so, why? Sounds like you have some experience taking care of your Mom from January to May. So you have a good idea what to expect. You state that all assistance to your Mom has stopped including housekeeping and shopping. Is your Mom capable of doing these things for herself, or is she just going without? I think you are a wonderful person, wanting to bring your Mom to live with you. If selling the house will help to get a handicap accessible home for her and your family, that would be the best scenario for all parties in a live-in situation. It's not easy to care for a parent who is sick, but you already know what to expect from staying with her. I'm a firm believer that how you take care of your parents, is how your children will take care of you. If your Mom has no assets, contact your local Area On Aging and see what she is eligible for in your state. Some states actually will pay you to care for your mother at home. Don't be discouraged from others if you really want to care for your Mom. Yes its hard, but many of us have done it successfully. I am permanently disabled, and cared for my Mom. You make adjustments. A major part of caretaking is attitude. If you keep a positive attitude especially in the tougher moments, and take every opportunity to tell your Mom you love her and give her a hug, along with having support in place so you have time for yourself. Salisbury gave you some good advice. You should do a lot of reading on this site. We all have many different opinions.

I used to think about moving my parents in with me when the time comes. I've been reading all the horror stories on this site and now I would never consider such a thing. Few people and their families thrive when they become full time caregivers for elders with an array of medical and dementia issues. Don't do it....

I agree that you need to think this through carefully. Since the elder law attorney mentioned estate recovery and there are no assets, I gather that your mother is on Medicaid. Moving from state to state means requalifying for Medicaid in the new state. I'm sure that this won't be hard, but it will take time.

A neurologist may not be necessary, but a doctor should be seeing your mom regularly. At 91, she needs care, but whether or not moving her to your state is the right move is questionable. I'd see the elder law attorney again to research alternative options for your mom's care.

Please update us on how you are doing,
Carol

Valencom is right. Do a lot of reading on this site--and you will think twice about taking care of your mom. Not easy at all. Are you still working?

Your eldercare attorney would likewise need to get you legally designated with Power of Attorney for your mom, and Healthcare Power of Attorney, as well as eventual executor of her estate if that's possible, too. Be prepared that if/when you take her in to your home, you might likewise need nurse's aids there during the day at some point to help care for her. Another option would be to look at assisted living facilities close to you so that you can keep an eye on her care, yet have her in a place that can handle it hour-to-hour. Age 91 isn't an easy stage to suddenly bring an elder in to live with you.