Mother is not herself with memory, having depression and resistance seeing a Neurologist. Advice?

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Our Mother (91) did well with testing with Primary doctor. I went to Ohio from Calif. in Jan. I stayed till May.I am going back in late June.Shes terribly confused and scared,paranoid. Resistant. She has no assets, and lives in house alone that was put in a trust 60 years ago to my brother and me. We saw and Elder Attorny, that said with wording Estate recovery would take place and state would get 40% at sell of property.
All assistance of housekeeping, transportation for Medical, and shopping has been stopped. I want to bring her to Calif. and stay with me and my husbands. Sell house and get a house for handicap. I need feedback. Is a Neurogal exam that crucial?

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I agree that you need to think this through carefully. Since the elder law attorney mentioned estate recovery and there are no assets, I gather that your mother is on Medicaid. Moving from state to state means requalifying for Medicaid in the new state. I'm sure that this won't be hard, but it will take time.

A neurologist may not be necessary, but a doctor should be seeing your mom regularly. At 91, she needs care, but whether or not moving her to your state is the right move is questionable. I'd see the elder law attorney again to research alternative options for your mom's care.

Please update us on how you are doing,
Carol
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Did the Elder Care Attorney tell you to get a Neurological Exam? If so, why? Sounds like you have some experience taking care of your Mom from January to May. So you have a good idea what to expect. You state that all assistance to your Mom has stopped including housekeeping and shopping. Is your Mom capable of doing these things for herself, or is she just going without? I think you are a wonderful person, wanting to bring your Mom to live with you. If selling the house will help to get a handicap accessible home for her and your family, that would be the best scenario for all parties in a live-in situation. It's not easy to care for a parent who is sick, but you already know what to expect from staying with her. I'm a firm believer that how you take care of your parents, is how your children will take care of you. If your Mom has no assets, contact your local Area On Aging and see what she is eligible for in your state. Some states actually will pay you to care for your mother at home. Don't be discouraged from others if you really want to care for your Mom. Yes its hard, but many of us have done it successfully. I am permanently disabled, and cared for my Mom. You make adjustments. A major part of caretaking is attitude. If you keep a positive attitude especially in the tougher moments, and take every opportunity to tell your Mom you love her and give her a hug, along with having support in place so you have time for yourself. Salisbury gave you some good advice. You should do a lot of reading on this site. We all have many different opinions.
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It sounds like she cannot stay alone anymore. I am assuming she is Life Tenant in her house and states are now claiming the dollar value of Life Tenancy based on her age. What we did for our mom was to get her properly medicated to calm down, and moved her into Assisted Living. We rent her house for $1350/month. That plus her $1600/mo in SS covers the cost of Assisted Living. If you mom is the widow of a wartime vet, apply for Aid and Attendance from the VA, they would kick in up to $1100 a month. With all three of those, you could avoid Medi-Cal entirely.
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Your eldercare attorney would likewise need to get you legally designated with Power of Attorney for your mom, and Healthcare Power of Attorney, as well as eventual executor of her estate if that's possible, too. Be prepared that if/when you take her in to your home, you might likewise need nurse's aids there during the day at some point to help care for her. Another option would be to look at assisted living facilities close to you so that you can keep an eye on her care, yet have her in a place that can handle it hour-to-hour. Age 91 isn't an easy stage to suddenly bring an elder in to live with you.
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Also I want her to see Neurolgist for complete exam to see what we're dealing with.She put on a good show for Primary Doctor, which does happen. If they do a cat scan of her brain it will show if there's problems. Also she needs help with taking Medication, and telling Doctor what I observe at home. I wrote Dr. Before her visit. I also told Dr. I'm Bi-polar. I've seen same psychiatrist for 15 years. Take Medication. And can manage this. Most people don't understand my illness. It use to hurt me. But I see well people that don't want to help and have excuses.
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Caring for your parent with dementia IS a monumental task, but did your parent care for you? Some parents did not care for their children properly, and other parents did a great job. Why should our elderly "child-like" parents be thrust out for strangers in state facilities to care for? Where is our sense of responsibility? If your parent was good and caring, they deserve the same back to them. It seems very simple to me. What comes around goes around. It may be hard, but.....it is the right thing to do, if you really love your parent and if your parent was good. If NOT, then that's a different story. Good luck in your decision. It's not easy to make the right decision, but the right things in life are not always easy.
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I have been reading aging care .com since 2013 after going to be with Mother 1 year after her Sister and best friend died. I learned of Moms problems then. I was in shock. Talking to her 3 times a day. 3 hours on Mother's Day. I thought something was not right with her health.she deterated drastacly in one year. Depression,stress,fear, paranoid, forgetful, bad choices, and the lack up keep of our home. We have a 3 story home, and she lives alone. I stayed 6 weeks and had to return home to Ca. I was unable to go back to her, 1 year because I had Cateract surgery,and had problems. When I returned again I found she was getting worse. Now walking with Walker, or holding on to walls and furniture. Forgetting Walker. She was eating mainly potato chips and Pepsi. She was afraid to cook because she left a burner on one night.Her grocery bill was milk, Pepsi, chips, Depends, and cat food and litter. She fainted one night and couldn't get up. But had button for emergency services. I had talked to her that night, and she said she was fine and just had a head cold. At hospital they found she had Flu and Pneumonia. She was receiving housekeeping, getting, groceries,transportation and meals on wheels, and visits from a nurse. Medicare stopped that for unknown reasons. Bad choices, borrowed on credit Card $20,000 to bail out a low life. Her house was full items she had saved all her life for me. She's either being robbed or giving things away. She has no assets. The house is In a trust to me and Brother. I have given this a lot of thought. Years! I won't put her in a nursing home. I want her to move here to Calif. with my Husband and myself. I'm active at 69, husband 71 is very good with her. I hope I've addressed everyone's inquires.
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Valencom is right. Do a lot of reading on this site--and you will think twice about taking care of your mom. Not easy at all. Are you still working?
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I used to think about moving my parents in with me when the time comes. I've been reading all the horror stories on this site and now I would never consider such a thing. Few people and their families thrive when they become full time caregivers for elders with an array of medical and dementia issues. Don't do it....
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Suegirl, I totally understand your illness. This will sound crazy to others, but not to you. Because you have experienced some ups and downs, and possibly some odd behavior over the years, you will be able to handle the mental changes your Mom may cycle through better than most. Bi-Polar is a medical condition that can be stabilized by routine medical care. Your psychiatrist will be your biggest ally through this journey. My Mom had vascular dementia, and I needed to see a psychiatrist to help me, so I could help my Mom. Toward the end of her life, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and only had 2-3 months to live. God bless my psychiatrist for making some medications adjustments to help me get through it, and be by her side until the end. I know a lot of people will judge me because of this, but I really don't care. I was by my mother's side for the last 3 years of her life, and as she passed away, my face was the last thing she saw. The only thing I would have done different, is to schedule some regular time off every week, just to refresh my energy. Please make sure you do that. Take some time every week for you and you husband. It will help to keep you a stronger team, and give you some time to de-stress. That will benefit your Mom in the long run, for real!
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