Hello:
My Mother is healthy and has announced she will be moving IN with me when my father passes away. I am an only child and they did not finacially plan for their retirements.
I usually ignore these comments, because who knows what's going to happen ten or twenty years down the road. My Mother suffers for anxiety which is poorly managed, and I'm sure she's mostly ruminating on an uncertain future.
I was divorced a few years ago, and had to sell our house. I've carefully managed the proceeds from the sale and lived below my means to nuture a nest egg so I may purchase my very own house! I'm very excited to finally have something of my own that's not dependent on anyone else.
When I announced my plans, the very first response from my Mother was a list of demands. "Make sure I have space. We will need parking and no stairs!"
My feelings are hurt. I didn't even get a congratulations or any excitement. Besides she knows the neighborhood I want to live in is all old brownstone townhouses. I'm not moving far away from my job now so she maybe can have a flat home to stay in someday. Oh, and I also never invited her.
How do I handle this over the holidays? She will inevitably bring it up. She sulks and pouts and holds grudges if you are firm with her at all. I also want to be humane because I know anxiety is hard. I have no siblings and children, so I'll eventually be in elder care myself, which is something I'm also saving for. She's put a real damper on my holidays and home shopping.
I have done this with my mother in my home. She likes to tell me what do do inside and out. I remind her in no uncertain terms that she has no say in how I decorate my home, how I plant my garden and the conversation is over. She also has no say in how I live my life.
If she were to pout or sulk I would remove myself from her presence.
Tell you Mum now and repeatedly that she is not going to live with you. Remind your Dad that you will not be living with Mum and the two of them had better make plans for their future.
It is about setting boundaries and sticking with them. You are not responsible for Mum's anxiety and it is not your fault if it is poorly managed. That is something for Mum and Dad to sort out together.
There is no rule that you have to spend the holidays with your folks. Go do something for yourself.
Congrats on buying a house, by all means enjoy it. You’ve earned it!
Just be honest and tell her it isn’t in your plan to have her live with you.
You sound pretty damn smart to me, a responsible grown woman. I don’t think you will have an issue articulating your feelings.
You will just have to deal with her manipulative behavior and keep your boundaries. It is hard but soooooooo much easier than having a surly, manipulative, self centered parent stealing your wellbeing to prop them up. She has made the decision to not improve the quality of her life by treating her mental illness, that doesn't make it your burden to bear.
Tell them both what options she will have, ie house share, il, al or staying in her home with paid help. You have to make it very clear that you are not her plan A or B or C.
You can do it!
You may want to sit down with Dad and Mom and tell them they need to consider the other's future if one passes. If their house is too big, downsize. Take the proceeds and put in an interest bearing acct. With the Facebook online yardsales, u can get pretty good prices for those things u don't need or want. That you feel, they need to be independent as long as possible. There are resources out there for Seniors. Senior apartments where rent is on scale. Low income apartments. Electricity and heating help. Cut back on cable or get an antenna.
I am big on if they are capable to live on their own then they should. I used Moms money before I used any of my own. Children are not responsible to keep u in the lifestyle u were accustom to before a spouse died. We all need to learn how to live on what we get.
At this point, do what u want for you. Just tell Mom that, for now, this is what you are doing. You cannot promise anything. Things happen and life changes. Your Mom may get to the point where u cannot care for her for whatever reason. If u need to work, that is a good reason. Her have anxiety is another thing. Don't think she would be easy to live with.
Each and every home I ever bought was given consideration as to handicap accessibility. This was because I never wanted to be in a situation with a disabled child/spouse/guest and not be able to accommodate them. NOT because I was planning for my parents to move in.
Set the boundaries now and let her pout all she wants.
One of my daughter's friends just lost her mom; the woman had Borderline Personality Disorder and had screwed her daughter over many times. Forged her signature on paperwork for NH payments and the like. Ended up homeless for several weeks because she signed herself out of the Medicaid ALF that the state sent her to.
My daughter's friend loved her mom but understood that if she enabled her, it would destroy her marriage, her financial security and her children's lives. She very reluctantly walked away and allowed her mother to make her own (bad) choices.
A few years ago a friend of mine in her 30s was house hunting and got the same advice because even young people can have accidents and not be able to handle stairs for a few weeks or months. She purchased an old Victorian which did have a full bath on the first level along with a kitchen, laundry, dining room, living room, parlor, and den. A couple of months later she fell leaving an outdoor concert and broke her ankle badly, requiring 2 surgeries and pins to heal. The den became her bedroom for over 6 months.
Buy the home of your dreams and tell Mom you aren't planning on her moving in anytime soon so in the meantime you are going to enjoy your "dream" home.
Sometime after your have purchased your home, you may want to have a separate conversation with your mother about her living with you when she's a widow. My mother knew she did not want to live alone since she never had. Mom moved from her parents' home to her husband's home (which included a FIL & SIL) when she married. I was open to having my mother move in with me. If you're not, you may want to reset your mother's expectations toward a senior living community or AL for her widowhood. My experience has been the longer you allow someone to build a false narrative in their head, the harder it is to displace their preferred outcome with some version of reality.
Elders often sell to move into condos or more accessible homes, or sometimes install lifts.
Gee mother, I'd love to have you but there is just NO room at the inn!!
Seriously, though. When my mentally ill anxiety ridden mother told me that she and dad would be moving in with ME rather than spend 'all that money' in Assisted Living, I let her know IMMEDIATELY that such a thing was NOT an option. Period. I too am an only child, and not interested in cohabitating with my mother again. Once was MORE than enough, as a kid, and all I ever wanted to do was get OUT of there. Anxiety and depression and sulking and pouting is just TOO MUCH nonsense to bear.
Don't do it.
Let your feelings be known NOW, and let your mother alone to sulk and pout. She can make an appointment at the doctor's office for some medication to help her with the issues she suffers with, unless she enjoys the conditions and uses them to her advantage. Hint hint.
Lay down the law. Your mother is healthy and probably relatively young. Think about it.......she may have 20 or 30 YEARS left to live. Do you want no privacy for the next few decades? And to deal with these histrionics??
Your mother's 'financial planning' for her elder years includes Social Security and living within her monthly allowance, as it does for MANY, MANY senior citizens. It is not written anywhere that a parent automatically moves in with their children! Do not let her bamboozle you and make any 'announcements' to you. It's YOUR turn to make an announcement to HER!
Best of luck
This is not normal behavior. Call it narcissism, lack of boundaries, no filter, it IS mental illness.
It will get worse as she ages, especially if dementia sets in.
Is she seeing a psychiatrist to manage her anxiety?
Have you read a book by Townsend and Cloud called Boundaries? You need to start setting good ones. You need to develop a thick skin so that her comments dont hurt you. Consider individual therapy.
I would also strongly advise travelling for the holidays this year. Dont give her an opportunity to pout.
Were you allowed to pout as a child? Was your every whim catered to?