Mother making demands on the house I purchase. How do I handle this?

Unless there is something going on with your dad that would indicate he is not long for this world, just divert the conversation by saying you hope a decision like that won't have to be made for many years. And don't have any conversations about properties that you look at or have an interest in.

Hard when it’s your parent isn’t it!

I don’t think you would be happy if you went along with what she wants.
just say that, unfortunately the lovely old brownstone townhouse is all you can afford 😉

if she wants to pout about it just nod and agree that it’s a shame it’s not suitable for her - pointing out all the reasons it isn’t - and be inwardly happy you have the place you want,

You have plenty of reasons that the humane thing to do is to make arrangements that do not include your mother moving in. For one, you really can't afford it. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself financially, and you are doing that. Also, all past behaviors tell you how it will be with your mom.
I think the idea to get her on the waiting list or right into a plus 55 community is a great idea.
Tell your mom you don't have the resources for her to move in with you. Get the house that you want and need. Your mom will sulk and pout in your house. She will sulk and pout where ever she lives. She will be happier elsewhere whether she realizes it or not. Let her have a tantrum. She does not accept boundaries- that's why she holds grudges if you are at all firm with her. I'm praying for you. This will be hard whatever you do. Choose the hard that does not destroy you.

Stand your ground and buy the house you want. It is not your problem that your mother did not plan for the future. Has she always been presumptuous? Let her pout; Don't engage when she acts childish. It sounds like she is used to getting her own way. She needs to make plans for her future care end 9f story. Don't let her dampen your excitement. Celebrate with the people who share your excitement and make this topic 9ff limits with her.

Please take care of yourself. Lots of good answers here. Purchase the house YOU want and make sure it is a done deal, maybe even moved in, before you tell your mom. That is your first stand, so she will pout. Stand firm on every decision and don't allow your mom to manipulate you in giving up the rest of your life, as that is what will happen if you move in somewhere together. Best of luck.

Do NOT let her move in with you! Your life will be over as you know it since she's so demanding, no respect and high anxiety, you will be at her beck and call for everything. I don't mean to sound so ugly and rude but please you've already gone through traumatic events with your divorce and sell of house. Please don't stop your life.. I'm saying this from experience. My Mother has dementia, heart issues, possible cancer (wouldn't get an egd done but lost 33 lbs so something is happening) and she has high anxiety. I can't leave the house anymore unless I ask my husband to watch her. She never feels like going anywhere so here I sit. I'm now overweight from stress, I've had shingles from stress, my hair is falling out by handfuls and I don't have her in a care home because growing up all we heard is we better not EVER put her in a home.. "take me out in the backyard and shoot me and bury me but don't ever put me in a care home" Of course us kids told her ok we won't. she said I mean it.. well after a stroke, broken hip, afib, and dementia came on hard last November, after rehab we moved her in with hubby and I. My Brother never comes to help although he lives 6 minutes away. There's days she says I know you're tired but you better not put me in a home. I'll move to a motel or sleep in the backyard before I go to a home. So I keep her here and stay mad and sad. PLEASE go apply for Medicaid for her then, google reviews of assisted living centers, go visit some and talk to the people there, see a room and then get her on their list or moved in there. Get the home YOU want and have saved for and live your life. and congratulations on your new home, just please Don't be a Lynn....

Hi Newhouse,
I'm sorry you are finding yourself with this dilemma. My DWand I started educating our children on matters of financial responsibility in their early teens, They are now in their early 20's and our youngest is 12 and we've begun educating her in all things financial. We also have pointed out to them not to worry about us in later life, we've actively told them about the Trust we set up in my DW's name and had the adult children read through all of the legal papers. We taught them by requiring them to save money, pay for their own gas when using our cars, semi annual payment of their fare share of the annual auto insurance premiums, and what we've set aside for their education. They also know how we've planned for our own LTC needs. We have in-turn tried to get them on the ball in terms of planning on how they will fund their retirement needs. They are not responsible for our retirement needs.
I would not waste energy worrying about how your parents have not planned for their own care. They may have not planned properly for the future, but it is up to themselves to put a plan in action for themselves that does not include you taking care of them.
We know that neither my parents, nor my DW's parents taught us about financial responsibilities other than saying, you have to manage your finances and live within your own means. That was good advice, we started saving for the kids college education when we were engaged, unfortunately the cost of college educations has gone up 1000% from what is cost 25 years ago. We committed to paying for half of their under-grad educations in order to save something for ourselves, the rest is on their shoulders.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ 3 1/2 yrs ago, as we were setting up our Estate. We still have some challenges ahead, but do not beat yourself up over what your mother wants. I would pointedly tell her, she'd better get making other plans, because her plans are not your plans. Tell her you're not abandoning her, but you do not have the ability to provide for her future care. This may sound brusque, but negligence on their part, does not mean you should put yourself in financial trouble, because, they didn't plan for theirs. Now, if you won a Mega-millions jackpot, perhaps you can help them out, you have responsibility to look out for yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Hopefully other readers will see this, and begin putting a plan in action for themselves.
I just had my semi annual neurology work up and my doctor has cut me back to annual visits because there are no changes that can be made to my meds. I know I can call upon her if something is changing. We're meeting with our Estate planning attorney to update my Medical Directive in two weeks, because they wouldn't let me be more specific in my end of life wishes, but I am now spelling out I want a DNR Order, no Feeding Tubes, no Ventilator. Just comfort care. God's will be done. Prayers are going up for you.

People can be so selfish sometimes.  Your mother has lived her life the way she wants and you are entitled to do the same.  You are going to have to be very blunt with her.  She will try to manipulate you with her sulking and grudges, but you need to stand strong.  If she wants to have a relationship with her only child with the time she has left, she will get over it.  When you buy your home, buy what you want.  Tell her you love her, but this has nothing to do with her.  When the time comes that she needs to move, suggest that she move close to where ever your new home will be so that you can visit with ease.

Stick to your guns!  Say no, be firm, and don't back down.
I have learned the hard way that my mom is a master manipulator when it comes to getting what she wants.
I let her have her way more than I should because I'm
just too stressed to argue.  She has Alz./Vasc. Dementia
and can still wrap you around her little finger when she wants
to.  Your new home will not be your haven in any way if you let that happen.   There are many community resources for seniors.  You may be able to get a directory of available resources in your area from your local alzheimers association.  Get 2. One for her and one for you.  Utilize everything you can, and keep your home to yourself.  God Bless and best of luck.

"Oh, mom, that won't work...I need to be all alone....Maybe you can find a place in the vicinity of the house I am buying so we can see each other often."

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Something strange happens between mothers and daughters at this age and status. I've lost my husband and now have no relatives in the state. My daughter has asked that I live with her (in another state). However she know we don't do that well together. She thinks I am critical and negative. But I think it is hard to talk about a subject without an opinion. I have no intention of forcing her to do anything or running her life. It's just an opinion. However when she says "Now Mom, I going to tell you something but I don't want you to be critical". I say OK. She tells me things like her husband has been gambling later, or his daughter is newly pregnant (not married). I failed the first one by saying "Oh, you should get him to stop that right now as that can turn into an addiction. But the second one I said "Oh, is she going to keep it?". So I am learning to do that. On my end she seems to be controlling and treating me like one of her step-daughters. Always watchful so I don't do anything stupid. I am handling this by not telling her the day to day problems I have (lost my glasses, signed up for a dating site, don't want to paint the kitchen cabinets). She seems to be trying to be less critical, and I have decided that we should paint the kitchen cabinets (painting wood? awful, but I do want to sell the house). I have a sister that uses alot of inflammatory words, and doesn't understand that it upsets people. She can't be negotiated with as then I get accused of being mean. My other sister doesn't want to have friends because "they just want you to do something for them". Well that is not much of a friend I agree. Anyway if my house sells, I will travel and move in with her. I am dreading the trip. And we will tip toe around each other. It would be nice if we could be friends, but I think that is too much to expect. You can tell your mother that "Oh, this is just my starter house, I will rebuy another later). I am not going to rebuy as there is all the lawn work to do, the repairs that come with a house. However my house had bedrooms on the first floor. A washer/dryer on the first floor would have been nice (I still climb up and down the basement stairs). An attached garage would have been nice as I fall on the ice in the driveway. Ditto on getting the mail. Think of her as just having an opinion, not ordering you around. Which in the end is all it is.

No, she can't and won't move in with you. This is your life. If she hasn't planned accordingly for her own future, that's on her - not you.

Please buy what you want, where you want. If your mother moves hereself in with you imagine your feeling now times a thousand.
24x7x365.
Help her find a place where she can live if you must, but please don't let someone take control of your freewill.

My DD bought her condo about 5 years ago.. its exactly what I want some day when I am older,, handicapped set up, good location.. Did she buy it thinking I would move in? Heck no! It was the best she could afford and perfect for her. Did I tell I her I expect to move in someday? Heck no!! If my hubs passes before me ( because no way in heck will he move to a condo) I would offer to buy it from her, or trade her for part of my current housezilla… In other words.. I have no expectations of moving in with her! I have looked into buying something similar in her area.. for a rental now and for me later.. but that's as far as it goes. Tell mom your doing what you can/afford. And do it for you.. it could be a long time before she needs to move in, and you could be in a whole nother area by then!

Sounds like she has a problem with boundaries. It is not your problem that she didn’t save for her retirement. You have no moral or ethics obligation to have her live with you especially if you have a tight financial situation yourself. Read the book “Boundaries”. By Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It helped me and I think it will help you a lot too!

Sounds to me as though Mom is a narcissist. I just finished reading a book, Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward, that may be of some help. I highly recommend it. You need to take a stronger stand with your mom, and point out to her in a gentle way that she is no longer allowed to run your life. She doesn't see you as an adult, and is trying to force you to care for her because she is your mother. You are not "allowed" to have a different opinion.
Would your mom be open to the idea of living near you, rather than with you? She may have more money than she is aware of. Are you able to talk with her about her finances? Perhaps you can show her that she would be able to live in her own apartment.
Please trust me , living with your mother is NOT a good idea. I argued with my own mother about this. In our area, it was impossible to find any home that met with her approval. She finally decided on an independent living facility, where everything was on one floor. I recommend getting some counseling for you and your mother. She will make your life difficult. Narcissistic parents are rigid in their belief systems, and don't give a damn about your feelings. Both of my parents were narcissists, as well as my brother. They almost ruined my life with their selfish demands. Please don't let this happen to you.

You have two issues to handle. The first is whether mother is moving in with you. The answer is no. This question comes up in the future, not now, and you deal with it then.

The second issue is how to cope now with mother’s assumptions. How about exaggerating it by turning it into a game. What is your ideal house, mother? Let her imagine everything her way. Then your turn – imagine anything you like, cloud castles in the sky, indoor pool, outdoor pool, view of the mountains, view of the sea. When you buy the house you want, it’s just a stepping stone to the ideal. Don’t deal with reality – she isn’t listening, and it doesn’t need to be addressed until she actually wants to move.

Learn to live with any relative that cannot deal with reality-- but on your own terms-- I would look for a home with every kind of amenity you desire and maybe further outside of town. Take her to see the independent living facilities so she will never have to cook again and have her own Livingroom, bedroom, and bathroom. Also she will not have to clean ever again if she does not want to. The place mt mother stayed at bent over backwards. It was great ! Let us review-- take the reigns and steer the horse over to a greener pasture- You CAN do this. Holidays, shmalidays ! Tell her she could always do like Jesus and his parents started out. Be that grown Daughter ! Good Luck and God Bless you.
here is the website--
https://www.holidaytouch.com/senior-living

My mother's facility was Redbud Hills in Bloomington Indiana-- very nice--
also had an Eldercare nursing service for "less than assisted living" available.
Which was very convenient for us kids. No, my wife did not want to be in the "help his mom" business.

You put your foot down. Tell her it is YOUR house and it will be as YOU want it. Tell her to accept what she gets or make other arrangements. And it seems to me she will be controlling and manipulating you and her ultimate behavior is most likely going to have a negative effect on you - why would you even think of allowing this? It might be good to figure out now how she will have funds to take care of herself and consider placing her when the time comes. She has NO right to tell you what to do and I would not ever allow this from anyone. You are doing her a favor so that gives you the upper hand.

Seriously? "No." "No." "(expletive) No." She does not get to make this choice. You have your own old age to save for. We gave up our jobs, savings, and house to move in with my parents (in another state) when my father was dying. My mother made our lives hell after he was gone (boundaries? what are those?), and my spouse borrowed against retirement so we could get away. We may eventually be in the poorhouse, but at least we escaped. Don't bankrupt yourself and screw up your own future over her demands.

Put your foot down NOW - and tell her that under no circumstances will you allow her to move in with you. She is being controlling and demanding - in addition to acting like a spoiled child.

I agree with drewxjacobs. How does hour mother know that she will outlive your father? Yes it is assumption. You do what is right for you and don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. I have a similar problem with my father who is 83 and has vascular dementia. He has tried to and still tries to control my life. I just do what i need to do and if he gets mad then so be it. It is his heart and blood pressure which will suffer not mine.

Congratulations. Mom is afraid of probably living alone. There could be a compromise in there somewhere

SHE is very unreasonable! Get the home you want. Let her know that she needs to look for a house-peace, that will fit her needs.
You need to be taking care of you!!!! I know, I went through the same situation.
Please make sure you have an insurance, policy for yourself., when old age makes it impossible for you to get around town. LOL

Congrats on your pending new home. I'll be moving in with you as well! But seriously, her expectation is no more valid than mine. She is an adult, so she needs to handle her own business including housing. I know you are disappointed that she did not congratulate you, but if you think back you will find that she never validates anything you do. Do not mention or discuss the home purchase with her any more. You must have friends you can talk to. What I have done with this kind of person is say "That's nice." Other options are "have to go now" or pretend you didn't hear her say anything. Boundaries---I went to counselling to learn how to set firm and unwavering boundaries with a relative who was relentless. I highly recommend it.

Congrats on your new house! Over the holidays, just keep busy with friends &/or go on vacation? You’re over 18 you & don’t need mother’s approval or ask her what you should do. Don’t mention anything about YOUR HOME now or in future. You can, if you choose, to just be her advocate & make sure she’s safe ...but you’re not responsible for her as caregiving in future. You can help to get her in ALF if you want. But your home is YOURS only. She was talking down to you like you are a child & have no rights. Set your boundaries, Hugs 🤗

Congratulations & hope you find a wonderful home!


My mom has borderline personality disorder & this sounds like something she would pull. Your mom sounds like she wants a verbal fight to put you in your place. You can’t win arguing with crazy & unreasonable.

Don’t tell her another word about your new place. Ignore her. Gray rock her, change the subject, look at your phone, have to go, etc. Your home is your business. You paid for it and only your name will be on the deed.

She should have done the same for herself if she wanted a nice place to live. It’s not your responsibility to reward poor financial planning.

”No” is a complete sentence. When my MIL health declined, my wife insisted we move her in. I was fully on board with this. Didn’t think MIL would last 6 months. But we nursed her back to health. During this time it became clear we could not live with her.

My wife came to the decision that it just could not work. I had the 2 hour talk with MIL that she needed to respect our home, and live within our rules or go back to her house which she was preparing to sell.

Once she realized I was not budging on this decision she lashed out and attacked for an hour. Attacked me, My marriage, her daughter, her grandchildren. Everyone around her was just terrible. I did not respond directly to any of her complaints, I just calmly kept saying “it sounds like you aren’t happy here”. She chose to go back to her home over living with her own daughter.

We dodged a bullet. Our lives would have been miserable, my wife was already filled with resentment for her mother after just six months. This grieved her so much. She loves her mom but if we lived together the relationship would have been destroyed.

After she moved out, things were pretty frosty between us for about a year. But now wounds on all sides have healed a bit, MIL is still healthy in her own home, and now we get along very well. When her health declines again some day, we will find her assisted care somewhere, we know living with us is not an option.

Keep your our eye on the long term relationship. Your misplaced sense of duty or guilt may destroy the very relationship you are trying to protect. You can ensure she is safe and cared for without being under the same roof.

I would announce to her that she is not moving in but you will work with her for another satisfactory arrangement.

Was your Mom spoiled by your Dad? You haven’t said what he is saying about all of this. She must be the dominant one in the family who calls the shots and handled the finances. She doesn’t want to go to the nursing home later so she has PLANS....her plans. She is the boss in the family so she is telling you beforehand what the plans are for you and herself...together. If Dad is in relatively good health, none of what she is saying will happen anyway. If she is allowed to continue to call the shots, she will. Handle it when it happens and don’t sweat it in the present. You are letting dear Mom live in your head rent free.