Mother making demands on the house I purchase. How do I handle this?

Sounds to me as though Mom is a narcissist. I just finished reading a book, Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward, that may be of some help. I highly recommend it. You need to take a stronger stand with your mom, and point out to her in a gentle way that she is no longer allowed to run your life. She doesn't see you as an adult, and is trying to force you to care for her because she is your mother. You are not "allowed" to have a different opinion.
Would your mom be open to the idea of living near you, rather than with you? She may have more money than she is aware of. Are you able to talk with her about her finances? Perhaps you can show her that she would be able to live in her own apartment.
Please trust me , living with your mother is NOT a good idea. I argued with my own mother about this. In our area, it was impossible to find any home that met with her approval. She finally decided on an independent living facility, where everything was on one floor. I recommend getting some counseling for you and your mother. She will make your life difficult. Narcissistic parents are rigid in their belief systems, and don't give a damn about your feelings. Both of my parents were narcissists, as well as my brother. They almost ruined my life with their selfish demands. Please don't let this happen to you.

Sounds like she has a problem with boundaries. It is not your problem that she didn’t save for her retirement. You have no moral or ethics obligation to have her live with you especially if you have a tight financial situation yourself. Read the book “Boundaries”. By Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It helped me and I think it will help you a lot too!

My DD bought her condo about 5 years ago.. its exactly what I want some day when I am older,, handicapped set up, good location.. Did she buy it thinking I would move in? Heck no! It was the best she could afford and perfect for her. Did I tell I her I expect to move in someday? Heck no!! If my hubs passes before me ( because no way in heck will he move to a condo) I would offer to buy it from her, or trade her for part of my current housezilla… In other words.. I have no expectations of moving in with her! I have looked into buying something similar in her area.. for a rental now and for me later.. but that's as far as it goes. Tell mom your doing what you can/afford. And do it for you.. it could be a long time before she needs to move in, and you could be in a whole nother area by then!

Please buy what you want, where you want. If your mother moves hereself in with you imagine your feeling now times a thousand.
24x7x365.
Help her find a place where she can live if you must, but please don't let someone take control of your freewill.

No, she can't and won't move in with you. This is your life. If she hasn't planned accordingly for her own future, that's on her - not you.

Something strange happens between mothers and daughters at this age and status. I've lost my husband and now have no relatives in the state. My daughter has asked that I live with her (in another state). However she know we don't do that well together. She thinks I am critical and negative. But I think it is hard to talk about a subject without an opinion. I have no intention of forcing her to do anything or running her life. It's just an opinion. However when she says "Now Mom, I going to tell you something but I don't want you to be critical". I say OK. She tells me things like her husband has been gambling later, or his daughter is newly pregnant (not married). I failed the first one by saying "Oh, you should get him to stop that right now as that can turn into an addiction. But the second one I said "Oh, is she going to keep it?". So I am learning to do that. On my end she seems to be controlling and treating me like one of her step-daughters. Always watchful so I don't do anything stupid. I am handling this by not telling her the day to day problems I have (lost my glasses, signed up for a dating site, don't want to paint the kitchen cabinets). She seems to be trying to be less critical, and I have decided that we should paint the kitchen cabinets (painting wood? awful, but I do want to sell the house). I have a sister that uses alot of inflammatory words, and doesn't understand that it upsets people. She can't be negotiated with as then I get accused of being mean. My other sister doesn't want to have friends because "they just want you to do something for them". Well that is not much of a friend I agree. Anyway if my house sells, I will travel and move in with her. I am dreading the trip. And we will tip toe around each other. It would be nice if we could be friends, but I think that is too much to expect. You can tell your mother that "Oh, this is just my starter house, I will rebuy another later). I am not going to rebuy as there is all the lawn work to do, the repairs that come with a house. However my house had bedrooms on the first floor. A washer/dryer on the first floor would have been nice (I still climb up and down the basement stairs). An attached garage would have been nice as I fall on the ice in the driveway. Ditto on getting the mail. Think of her as just having an opinion, not ordering you around. Which in the end is all it is.

"Oh, mom, that won't work...I need to be all alone....Maybe you can find a place in the vicinity of the house I am buying so we can see each other often."

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Stick to your guns!  Say no, be firm, and don't back down.
I have learned the hard way that my mom is a master manipulator when it comes to getting what she wants.
I let her have her way more than I should because I'm
just too stressed to argue.  She has Alz./Vasc. Dementia
and can still wrap you around her little finger when she wants
to.  Your new home will not be your haven in any way if you let that happen.   There are many community resources for seniors.  You may be able to get a directory of available resources in your area from your local alzheimers association.  Get 2. One for her and one for you.  Utilize everything you can, and keep your home to yourself.  God Bless and best of luck.

People can be so selfish sometimes.  Your mother has lived her life the way she wants and you are entitled to do the same.  You are going to have to be very blunt with her.  She will try to manipulate you with her sulking and grudges, but you need to stand strong.  If she wants to have a relationship with her only child with the time she has left, she will get over it.  When you buy your home, buy what you want.  Tell her you love her, but this has nothing to do with her.  When the time comes that she needs to move, suggest that she move close to where ever your new home will be so that you can visit with ease.

Hi Newhouse,
I'm sorry you are finding yourself with this dilemma. My DWand I started educating our children on matters of financial responsibility in their early teens, They are now in their early 20's and our youngest is 12 and we've begun educating her in all things financial. We also have pointed out to them not to worry about us in later life, we've actively told them about the Trust we set up in my DW's name and had the adult children read through all of the legal papers. We taught them by requiring them to save money, pay for their own gas when using our cars, semi annual payment of their fare share of the annual auto insurance premiums, and what we've set aside for their education. They also know how we've planned for our own LTC needs. We have in-turn tried to get them on the ball in terms of planning on how they will fund their retirement needs. They are not responsible for our retirement needs.
I would not waste energy worrying about how your parents have not planned for their own care. They may have not planned properly for the future, but it is up to themselves to put a plan in action for themselves that does not include you taking care of them.
We know that neither my parents, nor my DW's parents taught us about financial responsibilities other than saying, you have to manage your finances and live within your own means. That was good advice, we started saving for the kids college education when we were engaged, unfortunately the cost of college educations has gone up 1000% from what is cost 25 years ago. We committed to paying for half of their under-grad educations in order to save something for ourselves, the rest is on their shoulders.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ 3 1/2 yrs ago, as we were setting up our Estate. We still have some challenges ahead, but do not beat yourself up over what your mother wants. I would pointedly tell her, she'd better get making other plans, because her plans are not your plans. Tell her you're not abandoning her, but you do not have the ability to provide for her future care. This may sound brusque, but negligence on their part, does not mean you should put yourself in financial trouble, because, they didn't plan for theirs. Now, if you won a Mega-millions jackpot, perhaps you can help them out, you have responsibility to look out for yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Hopefully other readers will see this, and begin putting a plan in action for themselves.
I just had my semi annual neurology work up and my doctor has cut me back to annual visits because there are no changes that can be made to my meds. I know I can call upon her if something is changing. We're meeting with our Estate planning attorney to update my Medical Directive in two weeks, because they wouldn't let me be more specific in my end of life wishes, but I am now spelling out I want a DNR Order, no Feeding Tubes, no Ventilator. Just comfort care. God's will be done. Prayers are going up for you.

Do NOT let her move in with you! Your life will be over as you know it since she's so demanding, no respect and high anxiety, you will be at her beck and call for everything. I don't mean to sound so ugly and rude but please you've already gone through traumatic events with your divorce and sell of house. Please don't stop your life.. I'm saying this from experience. My Mother has dementia, heart issues, possible cancer (wouldn't get an egd done but lost 33 lbs so something is happening) and she has high anxiety. I can't leave the house anymore unless I ask my husband to watch her. She never feels like going anywhere so here I sit. I'm now overweight from stress, I've had shingles from stress, my hair is falling out by handfuls and I don't have her in a care home because growing up all we heard is we better not EVER put her in a home.. "take me out in the backyard and shoot me and bury me but don't ever put me in a care home" Of course us kids told her ok we won't. she said I mean it.. well after a stroke, broken hip, afib, and dementia came on hard last November, after rehab we moved her in with hubby and I. My Brother never comes to help although he lives 6 minutes away. There's days she says I know you're tired but you better not put me in a home. I'll move to a motel or sleep in the backyard before I go to a home. So I keep her here and stay mad and sad. PLEASE go apply for Medicaid for her then, google reviews of assisted living centers, go visit some and talk to the people there, see a room and then get her on their list or moved in there. Get the home YOU want and have saved for and live your life. and congratulations on your new home, just please Don't be a Lynn....

Please take care of yourself. Lots of good answers here. Purchase the house YOU want and make sure it is a done deal, maybe even moved in, before you tell your mom. That is your first stand, so she will pout. Stand firm on every decision and don't allow your mom to manipulate you in giving up the rest of your life, as that is what will happen if you move in somewhere together. Best of luck.

Stand your ground and buy the house you want. It is not your problem that your mother did not plan for the future. Has she always been presumptuous? Let her pout; Don't engage when she acts childish. It sounds like she is used to getting her own way. She needs to make plans for her future care end 9f story. Don't let her dampen your excitement. Celebrate with the people who share your excitement and make this topic 9ff limits with her.

You have plenty of reasons that the humane thing to do is to make arrangements that do not include your mother moving in. For one, you really can't afford it. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself financially, and you are doing that. Also, all past behaviors tell you how it will be with your mom.
I think the idea to get her on the waiting list or right into a plus 55 community is a great idea.
Tell your mom you don't have the resources for her to move in with you. Get the house that you want and need. Your mom will sulk and pout in your house. She will sulk and pout where ever she lives. She will be happier elsewhere whether she realizes it or not. Let her have a tantrum. She does not accept boundaries- that's why she holds grudges if you are at all firm with her. I'm praying for you. This will be hard whatever you do. Choose the hard that does not destroy you.

Hard when it’s your parent isn’t it!

I don’t think you would be happy if you went along with what she wants.
just say that, unfortunately the lovely old brownstone townhouse is all you can afford 😉

if she wants to pout about it just nod and agree that it’s a shame it’s not suitable for her - pointing out all the reasons it isn’t - and be inwardly happy you have the place you want,

Unless there is something going on with your dad that would indicate he is not long for this world, just divert the conversation by saying you hope a decision like that won't have to be made for many years. And don't have any conversations about properties that you look at or have an interest in.