Mother making demands on the house I purchase. How do I handle this?

My son and daughter in law built their house so they would have room if I or her parents needed to move in. I was forced to move out of my apartment because of a 200 percent rent increase. I was trying to get into a senior complex that had central heating and air and I didn't have to pay any utilities. The waiting list was really long. I asked my son if it would be possible to "temporarily" move in with them, putting my stuff into storage and once they had an opening I could then move into the apartment. And I'd pay them rent until then. My daughter in law (who I do get along with) works horrible hours and the two of them have very little time together. Maybe two or three hours each day. So I knew I would have to give them space and pretty much stay in the basement apartment when she was home. (really only a couple of hours a day) They came up with the idea of instead of staying with them, that if my name came up to the top of the list before my lease was up (the major problem I was having to get the apartment) they would pay for one of the rents while I went ahead and paid the other. (FYI, they live in Wisconsin and I was in Ohio). It worked out great. An apartment became available two months before my lease was up. I was able to take the apartment while still paying rent on the original apartment. I had been putting money aside for the move so was able to handle the cost (security deposit and such)and it made moving so much easier as I didn't have to do it all at once. My church stepped up and moved the big stuff so my son didn't even have to come to Ohio to help me move. It was a win win for both of us. I get to live with neighbors in my age group and enjoy central heat and air that I control and my kids get their privacy. (me too) And because it's a rent control apartment I haven't had a rent increase in three years. Open communication was the key to this working out. My daughter in law and son also gifted me the extra rent so I wouldn't have to pay it back.

Buy what YOU want and seriously plan for her to live elsewhere in the future. There is so much more I could say, but that one sentence is it in a nutshell.

First ..do you want your mom to move in with you?
If not then you need to make that VERY VERY clear right NOW!!!!
If moving close is an option maybe a 2 flat or a house with an in-law unit attached might be an option. Even 2 Condo units next to each other would work.

If you want mom to move in then you need to sit down and put your "wish list" down take her "wish list" and see what can be found. (make sure you both have at the top of your lists what is must have going down to would be nice to have, but could live without it items)

If you don't want mom to move in and you don't want her close then tell her now so she can start looking for Senior Housing. There are long wait lists for many of them so she will have to be patient.
If you don't want he moving in DON'T let her guilt you into letting her move in. Just read some of the posts here to give you a preview of what your life would be like if you do cave it.

I agree with ALL of the above comments and will not reiterate as they are spot on.
The only things I would add is..... how it never ceases to amaze me how some parents assume it IS ALL about them.... as the other member commented, they should take care of their children, and if the circumstances are such that they have been decent parents, then making sure their later years are safe and healthy goes without saying. This DOES NOT mean, surrendering your life, money, mental & physical health, etc.... You will regret this if you do it, I promise you.
I believe your mother should be offering her encouragement and best wishes in your home buying decision, not raining all over it with the all about her statements.... this underscores my opinion that her selfishness will worsen, not abate.
A point worth considering .... and this comes from a Libra/peacekeeping at all costs gal.... stop and really really think about it, explore why the pouting and grudges really bother you? The reason I bring this up is that a lot of my decisions over the years have been driven by the fear of a negative reaction, and not being loved by all, all of the time. It is a daily struggle for me, but I have had to. Make myself learn to be more true to myself, this does not mean not taking others feelings into consideration or being outright rude and insensitive, but rather, NOT allowing your decisions to be ruled by the reactions of others. What meets the definition of monster? Taking her out in the woods and leaving her there.... well maybe...... not wanting to surrender your life ..... absolutely not! While I don’t know you personally, I know for myself, it was hard for me to accept that perhaps weathering the pouting, freeze out is somewhat driven by my own need for loving affirmation, and less about right and wrong. If the people in your life, especially your parents, truly, unconditionally love you, this should not be a part of the equation .....period. That is conditional love, dependent on how well you please....
You are not running a country here, just your own life.
Sorry to be so blunt, but sounds like your mother is looking for a life raft, not a mother/daughter relationship.
As to how to handle the holidays, you may choose not to discuss it, but I agree with the others, you HAVE to nip this in the bud. How you do it is up to you, but I would move forward with my own house plans. If she chimes in, either don’t respond or start your boundary setting.
I think grown children still see themselves as the “little ones” wanting to please and not upset their parents. I can tell you as a mother of grown children, who I am very close to, I would never expect this of them, unless I lost my mind and did not know better. I am super sensitive to their need for some privacy as well as mine. What I would expect and consider fair is their involvement in the management of my care, placement if necessary and continuing a meaningful relationship with me. I would never want to hold them hostage for my love and acceptance.
Hope this helps, best wishes!

Do not accept this, you will be a prisoner in your own home. My Mother moved in 29 years ago. We made an apartment in our basement for her. She was able to do her own thing. But since then we have moved to a larger house again she had her own area Bedroom bathroom and a den. Her health decided now she has Louie Body Dementia, she woke up one day living in the past not knowing where she was, or who we were. But if it think about it it was coming slowly little signs I missed. Now I am a prisoner taking care of her, yes I am an only child, she is widowed twice. She is not demanding but drives me crazy wants to go home to her parents, my mom is 91, and has no memory past the 1930’s.
Her Mother actually died in her arms. I have to watch her 24/7 she has no balance can’t do anything for herself except feed herself and that is a horrible mess. I find her food all over the place. I could feed her like she wants but I refuse. I do her diapers, dress her, bathe her, put her to bed get her up in the morning. Fix all her meals, snacks etc. the only relief I get is to put her in respite for a vacation.
My social life is gone, I cannot attend events, I must bring her along or stay home with her. Dr. Appointments, hair appointments, shopping etc.
i must bring her along. I gave up my job (life) to become her caregiver.
i do love my mother but I dread my life.
so my friend do not except, do not become a prisoner like me.
good luck to you.

Hello. I’m an only child too. It was rough growing up and rough now that my mother lives with me. I made sure she knew that she can’t make demands. Standing up to her is something I had to learn, I sought help. I had to learn skill sets that took years to learn, still learning. Get help with this. You deserve everything good in this life. Whatever you do, do it with love and kindness. Your answers will come to you.

Go buy your brownstone. You and your parents need to sit down with an elder care attorney and get some of these details worked out and on paper. Who's to say your dad will die first? Too many questions will be left unanswered. Elder law will help you and them find the best resolution.

I gather no one has said no too often to your mama.
You have almost answered the question yourself...you are one of many of us without kids or it sounds much family (any nieces/nephews?) to be there for YOU, so YOU have to look out for YOU. To that end, I have to say...if you're really looking for a place you love and want to stay in...the accessibility issue re stairs that mama brought up MIGHT be a consideration...but that is so beside the point. Mama doesn't get to trash your plans. And you deserve your own space.
Nice that she's looking out for her OWN interests and plans now though.
I'd be getting a note to her MD --while they can't communicate discuss with you unless you have the permissions etc--they can't stop you from communicating and sharing info...so let him/her know mama is anxious and it is not well controlled.
I always like avoidance as a coping mechanism LOL. Any chance you'll be invited away for the holidays? Or just decide, for a change to take off? Even if you hide out in your own space? Either that or say you're not discussing it on the holiday. Or maybe have the big scene blowout and tell her YOUR plan and sorry, I'll help you find a place, but it's not going to be with me. I'd say unless it is temporary, but that may evolve into a situation you don't want.
Search on guilt free...I know it will be hard because you obviously care about her, but you get to care about you too. I've seen before where kids without siblings are made to feel so responsible...

Lots of great advice which I hope you listen to and heed. I think so many adult children feel like they are still kids and not adults around their parents. What I read is that you do not quite know how to have boundaries and you also don’t realize that you hold the power. The issue here is to have a plan, know how to deal with your mother's inappropriate comments and hold firm. Perhaps a visit or two with a therapist will help you know how to do these things.

Much as it is nice to be able to share one's enthusiasm about something so wonderful as buying your own home (CONGRATS on making it there!), your mom is not the one you should share this with, at least not until the deal is done. Even then she will likely bring it up and moan about how it isn't set up for her. Become tone deaf. Don't respond to any of it. Change the subject. She will likely keep coming back to it, but don't respond.

If you really feel you need to respond, you can place the blame elsewhere - this is all I am approved for, this is the only nice place close to where I need to be, etc.

As for some comments you made:

"I feel like a monster for not wanting to be my mother's roommate or full time caretaker."
Try to excise those feelings. It is somewhat natural to feel like it is your duty to see to your parents' care, but if you really don't want to or can't, don't harbor guilt about it and don't let her guilt-trips stick. Sharing space with a parent or providing care full time isn't for everyone. There are a few on this forum who will also try to guilt you (they raised you, they provided everything for you when you were a child, etc) - IGNORE them.

"We don't have a contentious relationship currently and she was a young single parent and did do a lot for me."
Clearly you care for/about her. Just reassure her, if you have to respond, that you will see to it that she is cared for. No specifics, just that you will be there for her.

Feeling like you owe it to her doesn't mean you have to take her in or provide hands-on care if she needs it. There are many ways to help out/pay back. My parents did a lot to help me out when I was divorced and raising two kids on my own. Taking my dad in if he just needed a place to live probably would have been okay. If he needed help physically, I would have to hire someone or find a place for him. My mother is a different story. Always telling me what I should/shouldn't do, criticizing decisions I made, telling me to get rid of my cats or take no more pets in when they pass on, etc. No way could I share space with her. Even before dementia there were times she could drive me out of her place quickly, once in less than 10 minutes! General rule of thumb was the maximum was 4 hours, and that was when others were there as well. Alone, the max was much lower. Now she is in MC. We tried bringing aides in, minimal 1 hr to have a "sanity" check and make sure she took her medication (they can't dispense but can check the timed dispenser and point it out.) Wasn't long before she refused to let them in. So plan B, move. She refused to even consider this option, whether it was a facility or with my brothers. As far as owing her anything, I was the one who spent the most time/effort/money seeing to it that she was cared for and placed, and that everything else was taken care of. I continue to be the one who oversees everything and manages it all. NO regrets there.

"However, we also have very different lifestyles that I don't think would mesh at all for either of us."
This is generally the way it is for any kind of co-habitation. If you've ever had roommates, few ever last a long time. Usually one or another upsets the flow and the arrangement has to change!

Focus on buying what makes YOU happy and enjoy that! Tune mom's song out. If she starts in on it and won't be diverted, find an excuse to leave and go.

In reality, we have no clue what the future holds for any of us - she could pass first, you could pass or become disabled yourself. While we can make long-term plans and hope for the best, we have to live in the moment. This is your moment, relish it!

Newhouse - I totally understand your position as it sounds like our mothers could be one in the same. That said, you must put aside any guilt you are feeling & live your life in the present. She has no right to push her demands of what she wants in a house onto you. You buy what makes you happy & unless she is paying for it (which she is not), she has NO say. She is also quite certain she will outlive your father. The woman is making many assumptions & that is all they are. I know it is often "easier said than done" but trust me, unless you intend to let her suck the life out of you and let her steal your joy, you will get her stated. You buy that townhouse, fulfill YOUR dream. You can simply tell her you are buying what suits your needs & let it go at that. If she gets mad, so be it. She will eventually get over it & you can stop giving her power over you.

If you allow your mom to move in with you, it will become her house and you will be her guest. Look up everything you can find on this forum about boundaries and put it into practice. You must tell your mom she will not be moving in with you! Don't leave this confrontation for the holidays. Devise a way to bring it up and practice what you'll say, with no ifs, ands or buts. You could say, "I love you Mom, but you can't possibly move in with me." You don't have to offer an explanation or reason. Just tell her how it's gonna be.

You sacrificed and worked hard for your new home. I repeat: your home! Not your mom's; she already has a home.

Let her sulk, pout and hold grudges. So what? Your mom can put a damper on your holidays, but only if you let her!

What ever you do make it clear to her now that although you love her and will always try to help her and keep her safe, under no circumstances will you have her to live with you. Your life will never be your own, if she is telling you what house to buy she will then be telling you how to live your life and she certainly won’t want you to meet anyone else who may distract from her.

The next time she brings up what she needs in a home, let her know you can't afford to have anyone there but yourself, that the house will be only for you. You've saved only enough money for a small place. She must find something else to suit her needs. It almost seems a joke that she would expect this, but apparently she is actually serious. No. Absolutely no.

Buy the house that YOU want. If she brings it up at the holidays laugh and say "that is not happening" Treat it like she MUST be joking. If she pushes make it clear to her that you will make sure she has a safe place after dad dies BUT it WILL NOT be under YOUR roof. She lived her life and did not plan for her future, that should not impact your future.

You've gotten a lot of good replies here - #1 being, buy the house YOU want.

I'll only add that I personally have told many that I can only afford to keep myself; there is not enough money to support an extra mouth to feed.

Also, when you take someone in, you can wind up responsible for their expenses and their bills, as in anything they owe debt on, could wind up on your shoulders.

My 2-cents worth is, "let her pout." Parents don't cater to the demands made by children and personally, I don't think the children should have to cater to the demands made by parents.

I always say, the unwritten commandment is, honor thy children.

Was your Mom spoiled by your Dad? You haven’t said what he is saying about all of this. She must be the dominant one in the family who calls the shots and handled the finances. She doesn’t want to go to the nursing home later so she has PLANS....her plans. She is the boss in the family so she is telling you beforehand what the plans are for you and herself...together. If Dad is in relatively good health, none of what she is saying will happen anyway. If she is allowed to continue to call the shots, she will. Handle it when it happens and don’t sweat it in the present. You are letting dear Mom live in your head rent free.

I would announce to her that she is not moving in but you will work with her for another satisfactory arrangement.

”No” is a complete sentence. When my MIL health declined, my wife insisted we move her in. I was fully on board with this. Didn’t think MIL would last 6 months. But we nursed her back to health. During this time it became clear we could not live with her.

My wife came to the decision that it just could not work. I had the 2 hour talk with MIL that she needed to respect our home, and live within our rules or go back to her house which she was preparing to sell.

Once she realized I was not budging on this decision she lashed out and attacked for an hour. Attacked me, My marriage, her daughter, her grandchildren. Everyone around her was just terrible. I did not respond directly to any of her complaints, I just calmly kept saying “it sounds like you aren’t happy here”. She chose to go back to her home over living with her own daughter.

We dodged a bullet. Our lives would have been miserable, my wife was already filled with resentment for her mother after just six months. This grieved her so much. She loves her mom but if we lived together the relationship would have been destroyed.

After she moved out, things were pretty frosty between us for about a year. But now wounds on all sides have healed a bit, MIL is still healthy in her own home, and now we get along very well. When her health declines again some day, we will find her assisted care somewhere, we know living with us is not an option.

Keep your our eye on the long term relationship. Your misplaced sense of duty or guilt may destroy the very relationship you are trying to protect. You can ensure she is safe and cared for without being under the same roof.

Congratulations & hope you find a wonderful home!


My mom has borderline personality disorder & this sounds like something she would pull. Your mom sounds like she wants a verbal fight to put you in your place. You can’t win arguing with crazy & unreasonable.

Don’t tell her another word about your new place. Ignore her. Gray rock her, change the subject, look at your phone, have to go, etc. Your home is your business. You paid for it and only your name will be on the deed.

She should have done the same for herself if she wanted a nice place to live. It’s not your responsibility to reward poor financial planning.

Congrats on your new house! Over the holidays, just keep busy with friends &/or go on vacation? You’re over 18 you & don’t need mother’s approval or ask her what you should do. Don’t mention anything about YOUR HOME now or in future. You can, if you choose, to just be her advocate & make sure she’s safe ...but you’re not responsible for her as caregiving in future. You can help to get her in ALF if you want. But your home is YOURS only. She was talking down to you like you are a child & have no rights. Set your boundaries, Hugs 🤗

Congrats on your pending new home. I'll be moving in with you as well! But seriously, her expectation is no more valid than mine. She is an adult, so she needs to handle her own business including housing. I know you are disappointed that she did not congratulate you, but if you think back you will find that she never validates anything you do. Do not mention or discuss the home purchase with her any more. You must have friends you can talk to. What I have done with this kind of person is say "That's nice." Other options are "have to go now" or pretend you didn't hear her say anything. Boundaries---I went to counselling to learn how to set firm and unwavering boundaries with a relative who was relentless. I highly recommend it.

SHE is very unreasonable! Get the home you want. Let her know that she needs to look for a house-peace, that will fit her needs.
You need to be taking care of you!!!! I know, I went through the same situation.
Please make sure you have an insurance, policy for yourself., when old age makes it impossible for you to get around town. LOL

Congratulations. Mom is afraid of probably living alone. There could be a compromise in there somewhere

I agree with drewxjacobs. How does hour mother know that she will outlive your father? Yes it is assumption. You do what is right for you and don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. I have a similar problem with my father who is 83 and has vascular dementia. He has tried to and still tries to control my life. I just do what i need to do and if he gets mad then so be it. It is his heart and blood pressure which will suffer not mine.

Put your foot down NOW - and tell her that under no circumstances will you allow her to move in with you. She is being controlling and demanding - in addition to acting like a spoiled child.

Seriously? "No." "No." "(expletive) No." She does not get to make this choice. You have your own old age to save for. We gave up our jobs, savings, and house to move in with my parents (in another state) when my father was dying. My mother made our lives hell after he was gone (boundaries? what are those?), and my spouse borrowed against retirement so we could get away. We may eventually be in the poorhouse, but at least we escaped. Don't bankrupt yourself and screw up your own future over her demands.

You put your foot down. Tell her it is YOUR house and it will be as YOU want it. Tell her to accept what she gets or make other arrangements. And it seems to me she will be controlling and manipulating you and her ultimate behavior is most likely going to have a negative effect on you - why would you even think of allowing this? It might be good to figure out now how she will have funds to take care of herself and consider placing her when the time comes. She has NO right to tell you what to do and I would not ever allow this from anyone. You are doing her a favor so that gives you the upper hand.

Learn to live with any relative that cannot deal with reality-- but on your own terms-- I would look for a home with every kind of amenity you desire and maybe further outside of town. Take her to see the independent living facilities so she will never have to cook again and have her own Livingroom, bedroom, and bathroom. Also she will not have to clean ever again if she does not want to. The place mt mother stayed at bent over backwards. It was great ! Let us review-- take the reigns and steer the horse over to a greener pasture- You CAN do this. Holidays, shmalidays ! Tell her she could always do like Jesus and his parents started out. Be that grown Daughter ! Good Luck and God Bless you.
here is the website--
https://www.holidaytouch.com/senior-living

My mother's facility was Redbud Hills in Bloomington Indiana-- very nice--
also had an Eldercare nursing service for "less than assisted living" available.
Which was very convenient for us kids. No, my wife did not want to be in the "help his mom" business.

You have two issues to handle. The first is whether mother is moving in with you. The answer is no. This question comes up in the future, not now, and you deal with it then.

The second issue is how to cope now with mother’s assumptions. How about exaggerating it by turning it into a game. What is your ideal house, mother? Let her imagine everything her way. Then your turn – imagine anything you like, cloud castles in the sky, indoor pool, outdoor pool, view of the mountains, view of the sea. When you buy the house you want, it’s just a stepping stone to the ideal. Don’t deal with reality – she isn’t listening, and it doesn’t need to be addressed until she actually wants to move.