My mother (85) is living with me and knows how to push my buttons and make me feel guilty. Any ideas to help me out?

How much change do you want? if you want her out - you will have to be blunt and direct & help her find somewhere to live, that she can afford. This is what I would do as I grew up in a family with very controlling, unreasonable parents & have low tolerance for people feeling they have a say over how I live day to day. She is going to make you feel guilty no matter what you choose to do as she is unreasonable. Why not go the whole hog, get her out, but choose when and how you continue to see and help her? I'm not suggesting throwing her out and never seeing her again.

Otherwise - you will have to set boundaries and a thick skin. What are you willing to do/ put up with? What are you not willing to? Then communicate this to her and hold her to it. Again, she will make you feel guilty.

What helped me was therapy. It might be something you need to do, so you can determine what YOU want (not what your mom wants), and the WILL to do it. Good luck to you.

NOTE - your mom is not going to change - it is up to you to change the situation.

1. Get a therapist.

2. Read the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward

3. Stop dancing the emotional dance that your mother has you dancing using F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The F.O.G. is strong with her and she's been in that darkness for years and is not going to change. You are the only one who can change by putting yourself on a healthier path regardless of what she does or does not do.

In several ways, my MIL is like your mother. Thus, I'll add this. When you get your freedom, your marriage will be much happier!

I wish you the very best and remember to take no prisoners in pursuit of the goal of getting your life back.

Do you leave in Illinois I would love to meet you. We must have the same mom. Take care of her respectfully. Stay prayerful and enjoy your husband, constantly talk to yourself to avoid being negative and do the best you can regardless of her request and expectations,

You've made the biggest mistake of your life allowing yourself to be manipulated like a child again. Why are you compounding that mistake by continuing with it when it has long been apparent it isn't working for you?

Kimber166 and cmagnum speak from experience. Listen to them! I do not share your experience and it took me a lot of reading on this forum to understand how hard it can be to disentangle yourself from a situation like this. With my lack of experience I would say, "For heaven sakes, throw her out!" but I realize now that is not an easy option. It may well take therapy to help you find what your really want and give you the support and strength to go for it.

Your mother is 85 and in good health? Do you want to live like this another 10 or 15 years, or more?

I'm confused.

Your mother 'came to live' with you.
You never ever agreed to this.
She sits waiting for food to be delivered to her lap, which night after night for two years is what has in fact happened - you can't really accuse her of having unreasonable expectations when they are confirmed on a daily basis.
Moving her out is not an option. Really? Why not?

Ideas or suggestions? Phew!

Well. If your life is focused on your husband and your grown children, what about consulting them about plans for the future? How would they like the family as a whole to move forward?

I never agreed to this in as much as I sat her down and told her the rules before she moved in , I told her she had to keep her own interests , do what she was able for herself , and that I would not wait on her hand foot and finger , also myself and my hubby would continue to enjoy our own company every other weekend , once the reality of this hit after she moved in she said there's one thing being told this and another living it , I asked her what she expected from this and she replied that it would be the three of us enjoying life togeather , she said I never expected to finish my life with my son dead and living in your house where you clearly are queen bee !!! Yes because this is my house but your home and I've lived here 20 years !! She frustrates me beyond words , I live in England for the lady that asked .

You gave her some rules and you didn't enforce them. In fact, you wait on her hand and foot and finger. What did you expect?

Where in England, Hennyboy? What are your options locally?

Henny, i would start by not delivering food to her. Dinner goes out on the table and is announced.

I'd also leave her to her own devices on the weekends. You don't owe her your life.

I realize this is easy for me to say. I come from a family with boundaries and no one is expected to give up their lives and privacy to care for an elder. Do find a therapist, and look into Adult Day Care. Or senior housing options.

Boundaries need concrete consequences when broken which I have had to learn about doing myself. They are not comfortable to have to do and those who experience them don't like them plus sometimes don't understand them.

Everyone of your stated rules at the start have been broken. They need to be reinforced by having consequences for her because she has broken them. A home cannot have two queens. Either the wife is queen or the mom is. She must be dethroned. I feel for you and your situation has reminded me of the anger I've felt over my MIL dethroning my wife until she stood her ground which I am proud of her for finally doing. It was not easy for her but with the support of her therapist over the years and my backing, she did. Her mother has never liked me and still doesn't which is ok. She's why there are MIL jokes.

Have you and your husband had a heart to heart talk about this and what needs to be done? How does he feel and what does he think about this? What about the feelings and thoughts of your grown children? How can they help you stand up to her. One thing I will add on this note. Your husband and children can help you but they can't do it for you. My wife tried to hide behind my pants and let me take her mother on for her. That didn't work. Nothing changed until she stood up to her mother.

Stand up and stop dancing with mom. Go out and dance on the the town with your husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post the rules. Mom, I've not been happy with the situation,and it sounds like you aren't either. Here are some boundaries I need to set for both of our well-being.
then POST THE RULES. A consistent schedule is the key to harmony.
Ideas for you:
1.find a bus for elders, elder daycare, senior center -- ask them to come invite and insist that she go participate on a regular basis.
2. Wear some large visible noise-cancelling headphones. I use industrial ear-protectors. Tell everyone you are not to be interrupted during certain hours, unless there's a fire.
3. She can't be happy herself to be so grumpy. Hide lots of probiotics in her foods, and give lactobacillus - fermented pickles and saurkraut.
4. is there anything the three of you could do together that would fulfill her longing for that, such as watch a favorite tv series together, do a puzzle twice a week...etc.
5. Get her favorite shows on DVD or on demand, and set certain times for viewing, so you know you'll have that time to yourself.
6. Assign her chores. with perks -- If you do the dishes, Mary from the senior center will take you to the buffet tomorrow.
7. Also --it bites, but kindness and praise is the best way to control behavior. Praise everything you like -- Mom, I surely do love it that you're independent and strong and we have our separate time that helps us get along. read "calmer happier easier parenting" book --same techniques
8. last resort -- herbs, antidepressants, anti-OCD meds, medical marijuana I hear can be put in chocoloate, melissa lemon balm tea, homeopathy, light therapy...
Vitamin D3 may be deficient.

Love and Good Luck!

Having been there I can say with all honesty, get some therapy. You may have to try out two or three therapists. It is sort of like finding a good mechanic that listens to you. But, do it. Why isn't her moving out an option? Please explain. Here in the US there are senior apartments for low income people, don't they have the same thing in the UK?

I am in the same situation, except my mother doesn't drive, have any friends, and has dementia and her health is not great either. I am a teacher and work full time. My story is almost exactly the same as yours! Most of her own siblings have disowned her. I have one brother who is mentally ill, lives 3 hours away and cannot help. I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years and she has ruined it. Her pouting and crying fits to make me feel guilty are overwhelming! I have been trying for months to get help, but am told time and again that the system is broken by the professionals who run it. She has no savings and my teaching salary does not allow me to get help. My family, friends and coworkers all express their opinions about how I should put her in assisted living. During a recent hospital stay I thought this was going to happen...they sent her home with me. When I try to talk to her about getting help she gets nasty. Then she accuses me of never wanting her to live here and trying to get rid of her. I'm truly at the end of my wits! I live in Maine and feel all alone in a system that is broken. I was also told I should have left her in her apartment because she would have gotten more help. I'm just confused what to do next.

If your mother doesn't have dementia and can make her own decisions, I don't understand why she can't find housing elsewhere. There are placing for seniors to live with support for their meals, doctor appointments, etc.

Counseling is great, but, when there ware longstanding, complex family dynamics and dysfunction, it's not so easy to just fix it in a short time period. Especially, if only one person is on board.

Life is too short to waste time on trivial matters about which room someone eats in. IMO, the resentment and intolerance runs deeper than that and would require a lot of therapy to have a real impact. You might consult with a professional to see what they might offer, but, if your life is fine, except for mom living with you, then, I'd focus on finding mom another place to live.

Nannerz, suppose - just hypothetically - that you were a man and your job obliged you to move. To, say, Antarctica. Or Mars. Or best of all Damascus.

So obviously mother couldn't come with you. You sell your house, and mother goes... where?

The key thing is to start driving a metaphorical wedge between your household - your income, expenses, liabilities and assets - and your mother's. At the moment, because your mother is in a safe place, there is no obligation on anyone's part to assist her. But if that safe place were to vanish - poof! - in a puff of smoke, you could not be forced to take her with you and the obligation would land on whichever public body is responsible for housing indigent incapable elders in your neck of the woods.

Mistake one was to allow her to live in your home and become your de facto dependant. Mistake two was to agree to her being discharged from hospital to your home (another time, stay away - they can't do that without your active co-operation).

Family friends and co-workers... oh boy. With family, friends and co-workers like that, who needs...?

But, their airy pronouncements and counsels of perfection aside, there are going to be ways to do it. Those defeatists running the system still have the keys to the minimal placements available. Don't give up bending their ears, because it's their job to help you not whine to you.

Is the 7 year relationship surviving?

Daycare was a blessing for me. Mom is easy but I was there 24/7. She wasn't happy with it. She was given breakfast and lunch. There was socialization. Parties. The bus came and picked her up and dropped her off. Gave us time to ourselves. I am assuming that Mom has no money since she has to live with someone. Are there any programs where Mom could be put in an Assisted living or some residential facility? Here in the US they provide activities and bus trips. Some provide transportation for shopping. I would check this out and explain to her because of her attitude she can no longer live with you. That ur entitled to ur life and explained that when u allowed her to stay. Your husband deserves your attention as do ur children. When u marry u leave ur parents home to start ur own. They then become part of ur life. What you owe them is love and respect if u get it from them. Your responsibility is to make sure they r fed, safe and warm. Doesn't have to be in ur home.

The way people treat you has a direct connection to how you respond. Changing either effects them both & I think you already know which one you control.
That being said....I think you may have some unresolved childhood issues you need to work through or past. I would suggest taking the position that your Mother loves you and did the best she could. The mistakes she made (and is making) is not a reflection of that. Life isn't about "equality and fairness" or some sort of balanced give-n-take. The mindset of either side owing the other anything is ridiculous and needs to be removed. You do for those you love simply because you love them!
Do you not think your Mother (aka Any mother) could list a few occasions where she felt disrespected, ignored, unappreciated, etc etc when you were a child. That she is probably aware that there are things she could have and wishes she did different.
Perhaps.........she is at that point in her life when many of those she loved have passed and is just trying to hang onto (and be part of) what is left.
Perhaps.....she isn't doing this the way you feel it should be done but that doesn't make it wrong.
Perhaps....her desire to be so connected with the details of your life are a reflection of what she sees as a failure to do so when you were her little girl.
Look, I don't have the answers but I do know you will be giving yourself the best gift if you try to see this situation different. There will come a day when she will be gone and not around to upset you anymore but with that goes the opportunity to heal the pain and make better memories with a person who has loved you her entire life.
God Bless,

I dont know if anybody said this but control is also an addiction on top of emotional abuse. I spent time in an alanon support group to battle both of my parents. I agree 100% with the answers you are being given about reading up on emotional blackmail and clearing setting boundaries as to what you will and will not do. The time spent with your family is very important. I have to ask though, why did your sister send her to you and are you also feeling guilty about some things she might have said in regards to caring for your mom? I mean sometimes you have to make others angry to save yourself. If not and the reason is financial for not putting your mom somewhere else then the extensive boundry setting and reasearching emotional blackmail will be a must. I just wanted to add that even if you are not a christian the 12 steps can really help you using a god as you understand what or who your god can be to you. But I also have to suggest hiring a home health aide or home companion to come in at the most stressful times for you or at the times that your mom aggrivates you the most like meal time. That way you can devote the time needed for your hubby and your adult children when they come over. An hour a day to pay someone to do that will not very expensive but well worth it in lowering stress levels. Setting boundries will be very tough the guilt trips will be worse but let her have them. Tell her flat out that you will leave the room unless she stops. That means that if you've already put he plate down and are supposed to get her some milk well because of her attitude she gets no milk with her meal. You can give it to her later to help her sleep. If she needs help in the bathroom but starts talking about your hubby leave her on the d*mn toilet till she stops etc. Tell her point blank its your house your family and she is a guest. I dont know how you feel about my answers but I hope they help even if they've already been suggested.

Sorry, I think there r just nasty people in the world. And no matter what u do it won't change them. Maybe your mother was abused and she dealt with it by trying to be the "good daughter". Because of this, she took her frustrations out on others. At 85 you r not going to change her. The healthy thing is trying to find a safe place for her. Visit and if possdible, take her out occasionally. Include her in family gatherings. If she "misbehaves" explain that this will not be tolerated. If she wants to be included, she has to be good. The elderly become like children and u deal with them like that. Firmly and with love. In ur instance, the love may be hard.

Sorry Its seems Im always writing books lol. I also agree with many other answers here the one just before me also had a point. Im just going to add to it a little. Because I have the same issues with my mom, a love hate relationship what I said previously still applies but including your mom in family activities is important too. Its just that you have to have the boundries to implement your decisive actions in making the choice of which activities she is to take part in. I love my mom but I know what it is like to have no relationship with her. Very soon I will have to care for her too. Only I will be battling her alcoholism and dimentia not her. Remember to remind yourself to separate the problem from the person. My hubby has Huntington's disease so I struggle with this daily now. Some day are good and some are bad but as easy as it is to say not to punish yourself for things you fail at pick and chose those failiars that bother you the most only give them 5 minutes of thought each day forgive yourself at the end of that five minutes and forget about the others if that makes any sense. You have to pick and choose which battles to fight everyday I choose only the big ones which are the ones that cause me the most stress. I wish you well.

P.s. sorry in one of my posts I said sister I meant brother. And I am very sorry for your loss.

Hennyboy, Perseverance64 had some well thought out insights there. Your Mom is 85. She is NOT going to change unless "forced" to do so by the way YOU change in your response to her. My Mom knew how to push my buttons and make me feel guilty too, but with talk therapy I began to realize that I needed to change MY attitude/responses to her. I knew she was developing mild dementia, short term memory lapses, etc. and much of what she said, I think, came from a place within her that she realized she was nearing the end of her life and she regretted some things she did or didn't do. It was now dawning on me that the depressive things she was saying was her way of coping with her loss of her husband (my Dad) 8 years ago and her physical decline. I think she was scared to leave this world so I changed the way I dealt with her. While once I would go over to her house weekly to do "chores" she wanted done and get out of dodge as soon as I could, I started to actually go over and really REALLY start talking to her -- about her life, how SHE felt -- and I started to get a perspective on what she was thinking.

I know it's extremely difficult because she lives with you and she's there 24/7 but start with the meal thing like another poster said. All meals are served at the kitchen/dining room table. The family dynamic has changed. Mom is no longer the Queen of her castle and she resents it. Start having some CALM heart to heart talks with her. You may be surprised at what comes out.

I did and now my Mom's gone (passed away almost 8 months ago). I can recall the many times over the last 8 years she made me feel angry and guilty but now looking back, I am sad about the way I reacted and have 20/20 hindsight now. I miss her now as well as my Dad. She taught me many good things, especially how I hope to treat my children when I'm in my waning years. I want to be pragmatic and not have any regrets.

Since my Mom's death, I have been rediagnosed with breast cancer, have undergone surgery, but have a hopeful prognosis. I am keeping a positive attitude for myself and my children and hope to set an example for them.

My advice is to seek out some counseling either through talk therapy or caregiver support groups in your local area. I've gleaned a lot of perspective from this site and taken many posters' words to heart. It has helped me tremendously even now that Mom's gone.

No guilt trips allowed-ANNOUNCE THAT!

This is all a lot of hot air blowing. She is ruining your life, you are letting her. Look around and find her assisted living and get her out of your home. Stop dancing attendance as if your were 12 and bad-tempered-mamma was going to lock you in a closet for being bad. You are in charge here. Find her another place to live. case closed.

😳

OK, I probably sounded a bit harsh in that last post!....I am annoyed over this kind of thing because I live it, vicariously, with a very close friend who is dealing with her mother - who is ten times worse. (the whole family comes from Dysfuctional Junction, all of them!) And my friend is constantly calling me and crying crying crying over her troubles. Giving me the latest update on the latest obscene thing her mother has said, the latest awful thing her mother has done, the latest 'betrayal' her mother has pulled off... Her mother is sharp as a razor and has been narcissic and manipulative all her life. There is nothing new here. I'm always saddened when my friend calls, crying, over the same. old. behaviors. I don't know why she is constantly expressing surprise and dismay. Her mother is a snake, a snake is never going to transform into a bunny rabbit! All I can do is listen with sympathy, try to suggest things, tell her it's nothing new and she should ignore a lot of it....oy. Anybody who hasn't experienced emotional and psychological abuse from an expert can't really grasp how horrid it is.

Lassie, I hear you. I, too, have a friend that has numerous problems with her child and it's always some drama and horrible situation going on. Yes, we can only listen with sympathy because any suggestions we make will go in one ear and out the other. I just think they want to be heard. However, as much as we listen, it also takes a toll on US and I'm afraid to admit it, but sometimes I just want to scream, "THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND QUIT WHINING!" I have to "take a break" sometimes and actually avoid her to keep my sanity and this was all the while that I had my OWN problems. Oy, is right! LOL