Mother is wearing me down with criticism and negativity. Any advice?

Jude, that description explains my FIL to a tee! I wish we had done things so differently 11 years ago, but now that he is truly failing, it is not an option! Drat!

I've read that children long for parents approval! I to have felt the sting of this in the past. BUT...allowing a mother, a husband or anyone to continually abuse us is just a form of enabling them to do so. Oh yah...they may be sic...but we have to take a stand against that abusive behavior or it erodes our self esteem!! Just be firm and keep your bounderies!! Sometimes we can salvage those relationships...sometimes we can't! take care and thanks for posting!

Interestingly my Mums discharge summary states very clearly that she has a dependant personality disorder.
From Psych central: Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing need for the person to be taken care of and a fear of being abandoned or separated from important individuals in his or her life.

This leads the person to engage in dependent and submissive behaviors that are designed to elicit care-giving behaviors in others. The dependent behavior may be see as being “clingy” or “clinging on” to others, because the person fears they can’t live their lives without the help of others.

However my doc said that it can also emerge as the almost exact opposite as they can turn into be dependant by using negativity all the time in the misguided perception that you will try harder and when, in their eyes you don't, that behaviour becomes exaggerated ....food for thought. Since she has been out and I have taken to spending more time with her in terms of taking her out for 2 to 3 hours every day she has been much better

"doesn't think I know about handling her estate after she passes. " That is a ridiculous statement. How does she think you have known enough to handle your own life on your own as an adult all of these years? That is so invalidating! I'm glad you set boundaries with her.

kitkatgirl....finally!!! keep it up...eventually she will stop doing it and you will get your self esteem back.

There have been several times recently that my mom has told me she doesn't think I know about handling her estate after she passes. I vowed that the next time she said this, I'd stand up to her. Today she was telling me she wants to talk to me about her plans for her funeral, and then she said she's afraid the funeral home is going to cheat me out of the money from her burial insurance policies. She said, "Why do I worry about things like this?" I replied, "I think you don't have enough other things to think about." She got peeved and said, "You don't know split beans from coffee about it!" I calmly responded, "If you think I can't handle your affairs, then appoint somebody else to be your executor. Get ________ (a local attorney we've worked with before) to do it." I think she was surprised by my response and said she didn't mean to get off on that. Then she ended the call. I felt really good about successfully setting that boundary with her.

Do what you have suggested. Set some boundaries with her. Try to get her involved in other interests. She sounds very bored and lonely. She is using you as a sounding board.Then do some positive things for ourself so you won't feel so pounded into the ground!

cmagnum...yes, he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. my mother was in the was as a young girl in Poland...when the Germans took over...for years her family was shuffled around india, siberia, and eventually the family was sent to mexico. they were starving and suffering from diseases during the war. she met my dad when she was 15 yrs old...and unfortunately for her married a latin sexist. yup...she had never known another life...they bought a house and that was her biggest dream...and they had four children. nothing compared to the abusive she went thru during the war and after...they lived in a polish camp. I totally could understand why she didn't leave...but i don't think that the abuse was as bad as I've read on these comments. my mother did eventually stand up to my father...and took no sh*t from him!! I adored her for that! anyway...moving on.

Lifeexpèriences,

Adult children of abusive parents continue to be abused and take the abuse because they were programmed that way from childhood. I started a thread about this @

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

In this thread, I basically unpack the anatomy of emotional abuse/blackmail.

What it is?

What are its effects?

Who is doing this?

How do they do this?

What are the origins of this.

Why it is so victorious?

How it’s defeated?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Until we understand the anatomy of abuse, we will not be understand why people can't just decide to get away from it which is the rational thing to do, but far easier said than done. In many ways, it is like understanding the anatomy of clinical or bipolar depression. One can't just snap out of it.

Lifeexpèriences, did your mom stay with your abusive dàd? If so, did you ask her why?

Abuse is kept alive by the power of family secrets and other unhealthy family dynamics. It's not just a matter of rational choice that keeps the victim being victimized. Abusers groom their victims.

We don't catch a lot of abuse because it's not reported. Sometimes victims arè not believed.

ashlynne...I wish I could understand as an adult...people keep allowing parents, siblings, etc...to continually abuse them for soooooo many years. I remember being about 5 years old...and KKK were hanging black people for being black!!! In my gut ... I knew this was horrific...so many things were not right in my family...like my dad being abusive to my mother because he was hispanic...and was brought up in another country to rule the wife!! I knew...it was wrong...and so are all the other abusive situations that I've experienced or read about in life. If anything...I was soooo enraged as a little girl...that I defied anyone to be abusive to anything or anybody in my presence. Yes...I was extremely angry but did take as stance at a very young age. WE NEED TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES...NO ONE ELSE WILL!!

You are not alone in your journey . Your parents remind me of my mother in law and father in law with each in the same roles. I hope that you can find ways to bloom as she fades away!

My mother has been the mother from h*ll always ... knocked me about and put me in a hospital when I was six and it never got any better after that ... always on my back, always on my case, throwing me out of the house to live in a tiny leaky trailer in a field when I stayed overnight with a friend ... I was 22. I could tell you a lifetime of horror from that evil bitch. I moved from the UK to Canada and dammit she followed, uprooting my poor father from his family. He busted his chops for over 50 years to make Madam happy but nothing was ever enough ... his heart gave out 16 years ago.

Yep, I got that often "If you'd had children I wouldn't be lonely". If I'd had children there would be no way she'd babysit .... ewwwww, too busy shopping, getting hair and nails done ... and they'd likely end up despising her as much as I do. It is to be noted she never lifted a finger to help her parents and when her mother died she refused to do anything for her father because it would be too much trouble.

I recently signed on with a new doctor ... haven't been to one in 15 years. He's quite the character and plans a work up ... got to give blood and get a chest xray to start. He knows I smoke and drink once in a while but he doesn't know the whole story. Trained from a young age to put up and shut up "or else", for so long I've had a few drinks to just sleep and shut it all out.

Mommie Dearest has been in a nursing home for over 2 years now and drove me into a nervous breakdown with screaming daily phone calls and setting government bodies on me ...changed my phone number over a year ago and made it unlisted but I have still attended to shop for her, just duty. I've battled with this alone for so long I'm going to ask for a referral to a psychologist. I need to come terms with 60 years of hurt and abuse.

Mommie Dearest is fading away, close to death now and she will die alone. There is no other family and what few friends she had she ran off over the years. Perhaps she can find the happiness in the next life she could never find in this one.

My mother is the same way. When she starts being negative I change the subject or ignore her. I decided that she isnt going to give me a stroke. It is sometimes difficult but needed.

pattiac...of course caretakers should always check with doctors first, but some people are just hateful and abusive because they are miserable! i think this applies in a LOT of situations. my dad is 91 yrs old...no dementia...but loves to pit us kids against each other, plays head games ... I have had to yell at him thru the years to back off! if i hadn't, he'd eat me alive! he is the most stubborn man and comes from a country where men rule! well hell with that! if he wants to be cared for as well as I care for him and my mother, I DEMAND respect in return. I don't take it. he has calmed down and doesn't do it anymore for the most part. I can't take care of a 4 bedroom house maintenance inside and out, two parents a bedridden mother, all medications, shopping, feeding, washing clothes, cutting there hair and nails, shaving him, doctor's appts, fighting with my younger brother that wants to take control when he does nothing...and then have my dad abuse me verbally!! LOL H*LL NO!

I agree, lifeexperiences, that sometimes it can help to stand up to a parent who has not appreciated all you have done for her/him. Once I established some clear boundaries, my mother tried to undermine me a few times and I firmly, without raising my voice, held my ground. It scared her enough to keep her from doing it too often, and on occasion actually showing appreciation. Each person's situation and what each is comfortable doing/not doing is different, but I don't believe the caregiver's family should suffer as a result. There are lots of options and sometimes you have to consult the doctor and a senior social worker to find out what they are and what you're willing to live with. My best to all in this situation because it is very draining on the heart and soul.

Dear Marilyn430, why don't you stand up to her...sternly!! Keep setting your bounderies and WALK away! Sounds like she has crushed your spirits since childhood...she's a bully, let her know your not taking it anymore!! take care

i am going thru the same with my mom criticizing me constantly. She lives with us and it drains me. I am so glad I read all these comments because she is miserable and I guess it is refelcting how she really feels about herself and life, it is not about me and I should not take it personally. I cry becaue I am getting depressed but I have a tennage son who needs me and a husband I cannot allow my mothers criticisma to wear me down. I am the one who needs to change and let things roll off my shoulder. This place is such a support where we can write our comments and take suggestions.

I once read a statistic that 40% of caregivers die before the persons they are taking care of because of aaallll the stress!!! The bottom line is...if we don't take care of ourselves...NO ELSE IS. God care for all caregivers!!

That sounds like my mother all my life I couldn't do anything good enough. I was too thin, she tookme to a Dr to get me to eat, then I was too fat and took me to Drs to lose weight, my hair, my clothes etc. My husband passed away suddenly at age 52 in 2007 and 3 months later my mom had a stroke that left her with dementia. She was unable to drive anymore, but she blamed me and had her evaluated to show her she was no capable. I was afriad she would hurt someone. I took care of her for 5 yrs with the help of hired aides helping me. During that time I had many health issues myself including 3 surgeries and endometrial cancer. I have osteoarthritis and need both knees and a hip replacement. I had no help from my half brother and I never got to mourn the sudden death of my husband. I saw a psychologist for 6 yrs to help me get thru it all and deal with my mother's negativity. I had to do everything alone and even empty her home and sell it at the end. I suffered and am still suffering depression from all of it. I need to lose weight to get my needed surgeries, but have been unable to do so and am in constant pain and I eat from depression and the pains. I am totally alone now and have no family to help me. I never had children.

This guided meditation helps me. I watch it almost every day:

Honestly , therapy for you. You can not change her . Not at this point . It sounds like you do everything you possibly can for her and its still not good enough. You don't need someone to make me feel worse about yourself than you probably already do about certain things. This may sound harsh or not helpful but you need to focus on you . Believe me I'm probably one of the best people to say "easier said than done "I'm working on the same thing with similar issues. Just just know you're doing everything u can. you're helping her not ignoring her you do have a life however you're younger and you need to focus on certain things for yourself just be there for her when you can and for what you can handle. none of this is your fault

OMG...all these HORRIBLE parents, in-laws, brothers, sisters. What's worse to me...is why do people allow others to CONSTANTLY abuse them??? If these abusers don't want to take meds, or whatever they have to do to wake up...let them suffer ALONE!!! I don't feel sorry for any of them! People get abused by others because they stay there and take it!! UGH...

Some people are just negative and will not choose to change.
Unless she decides she wants to change, unless God intervenes, she will not.
Protect your sanity by establishing a boundry by not doing more than you are capable. Humbly know your limit as I think we all tend to want to 'do it all' and neglect ourselves.
I would also advice talking to your mom and being honest, when the time is right. Letting her know how you feel is most healthy for both of you. Have no expectations.

Unlike some on this forum, u can get away. Because of this, just ignore as much as u can. I would tell her critizing is hurtful. I understand how depression is but it doesn't give the person the right to be cruel.

Don't let her wear you down with criticism! And remember that elders become like fussy toddlers! A cousin just used to go out to her car in her mother's driveway to momentarily escape the insanity!

Earplugs hey you can't help her you can hardly help your self be nice visit fast and run

Wow, could we be sisters! Assuming it is possible, reduce your visits to every 3 or 4 weeks. When she complains about that, tell her why you can't come more often. Tell her you cannot tolerate the negativity and criticism and your doctor has advised you to visit less often. She will probably apologize and promise to be better, but don't expect much change.

Honestly OP when I first saw your thread I thought you were living under the same roof as her, you're talking about talking on the phone long distance.

Very simple, you go from 2 to 3 calls a week down to 1. You can also agree with her and also change the subject.

Take care of yourself by separating yourself from your Mom further: call less frequently; visit less frequently. Don't feed her criticism by "feeding" her criticisms, i.e., say nothing in respond. Her criticism makes her feel good - kinda like an addiction. I've been there.