Hi, newbie here. I could really use a range of opinions. My mother (in her 60s) is choosing her mother (in her 90s) over my dad, me, and her grandchildren. My grandmother is passing away, has hospice, and now resides in a nursing home. My mother has been her primary care giver for the last 8 years. My father and I and my son have come last in her life for all of those years. She proudly proclaims that her mother comes first. She quit working to take care of her mom, although I was always deeply concerned about how good that care actually was. My grandmother's home smelled of urine and feces. She was often unwashed. And my mother spent hours on the computer at her own home, not at my grandmas. I'm currently 38 weeks expecting with my second child and live out of state. She had initially offered to come and help me after the birth, since I'm having a c section and my husband is working 3 jobs. I also work full time and make a large salary. I have been there for her and my grandmother both emotionally and financially for these years. Grandma needs medicine, you got it! I'll send money! Can't pay your own bills because grandma needs depends, sending the money now! Now, we find out my mother cashed in my grandmother's whole life insurance policy (after my grandmother was over 85 years old) to cover bills, and she is expecting my dad to be HAPPY that he needs to pay for her cremation. My dad is NOT happy. He himself is 65, has worked his whole life, is still working full time so my mother will have health insurance. My mother has said things to me like, don't you dare have that baby early! Your grandmother is dying! Now, a week out of my c section, she's indicated she may not even be there for the birth. She may not stay to help me. She expects me to be okay with all of this, and she's angry my father, who of course will pay for the cremation, isn't doing so without some level of bitterness. I am flat out tired of her. Again, she is proud of the fact that she has chosen her mother over her spouse and only child. She says we all OWE grandmother. That it is US (dad and me) who are selfish. What is going on here??
Each enmeshed person is not capable of having a normal, intimate (and I'm not talking about sex) relationship with their spouse because they are enmeshed with someone else.
I guess she thinks that you will drop everything as she ages.
In your shoes, I would think a better use of your wages right now is help for a few weeks when the baby comes. When the dust from gram's death and the new baby has settled, consider some discussions with a therapist.
Is someone going to explain to mom that she's going to have to go back to work now to fund her own old age?
As for grandmother dying, is it imminent? I bet you've heard that a lot in the last few years.
Sorry, but I wouldn't depend on Mom for much. Maybe caring for Gma was sort of an excuse to get away from family life. Tell Dad a cremation cost are low. Here its 2300. I just read on this forum, that a funeral home is not needed that u can go thru the crematory directly. He tell ur Mom he is willing to do this but there will be no service. If she wants one at a later time, then she can work and pay for it. I think ur Dad is a gem to put up with this. Yes, parents are important but when you marry your responsibility shifts to ur husband and children. I feel the responsibility to a parent is to keep them safe, warm, fed and clothed and loved. The same thing they were to do for us. If that means they live inca NH or AL because we can't care for them then so be it. You will need some help with the baby so try to find an agency.
Granted you're about to give birth and must be a little apprehensive about both the surgery and the postnatal period (are there people around to do the toddler-lifting, e.g.?).
But *allowing* for how I'd feel if I were that pregnant and that fed up, this has been going on for eight years, through all sorts of events - marriage, first baby, return to work, all sorts.
So what's new that you've reached the end of your tether? What's happened?
Keep in contact and stay neutral. Give your dad lots of supporting love. Explain to ALL that you will be very limited financially from now on, what with all the cost of a new baby and being off work.
Am I a bit harsh?? May be but you MUST remember, you do not like the way your mum is devoted to her mum. You do not want to be the same? Do you?
Yes we care for our parents but not to the extent of (for the want of a better word) undercutting our own family.
When grandma dies sent flowers, or money instead towards the funeral. Try NOT TO GO there or you will get sucked in.
I send you love and hugs. Have a great birth and a beautiful baby. :)
See All Answers