My mother in law is in her late seventies. Her sister just recently passed away and her other sister is in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. With her older sisters recent passing, none of the decisions for funeral planning or...I am not sure how to say this correctly...where to put her were made or expressed in advance. (One of her four children had to fit the bill entirely on her own. The poor girl had to put the entire thing on her credit card...and I am sure by knowing her siblings will be paying it off on her own as well). The siblings that didn't bother to help of course had a boat load of opinions and wanted to disagree about everything. I feel unless my mother in law gets it together...we will be stuck with all of the finances and have to deal with the deadbeat siblings in our family. She absolutely refuses to even discuss it. When I told her that my husband and myself have a plot already paid for and have very precise instructions as to our choices, she told me she didn't care what we decided. I asked her if she had any money set aside for this (she has about $1700 a month in disposable income). Her response to me was that, it is not her responsibility to pay for it, that we have to deal with that. (Excuse me, what?) We built a thousand square foot mother in law apartment/addition onto our home. It has a separate entrance, separate yard, we fully furnished it with the furniture she chose and put in all the appliances and fixtures, flooring she wanted...so on and so on. She pays no rent or utilities of any kind. My husband paid off her car and pays the insurance and maintenance. Mind you, we live in a subdivision and still have a mortgage and now a second mortgage due to this. I was flabbergasted. What? I am fully annoyed. The fact that she will not even address the topic is very frustrating, but the fact that she feels we should provide for her funeral and burial without even making an attempt to take care of it on her own. Frustrating. Have you had this talk with your parents, did they make these decisions...did they avoid it? Did they expect you to pay for it? I am at a loss. I feel we have done so much and I do not think what we are asking of her is out of line. Maybe uncomfortable, but not out of line. How do we make her understand she needs to address this.
I would also sit her down and make sure she understood that because of 2 mortgages, her car paid off and her insurance covered its up to her to put money aside. If she is not willing to this, then she can pay for her car insurance. She should be paying what she can of the second mortgage. Paying for personal items and any special foods she likes, you don't. I believe parents should pay their way. When they can't then we step in. No way was I going to foot the bill just so my brothers could have an inheritance. I love my brothers, but they never went out of their way for Mom. Never understood why, she was a good mother.
I would also tell her if u pay for it, it will be cremation. No funeral service, no viewing, no graveside service.
we made arrangements two weeks before leaving for a trip for west coast family wedding. Good thing. MIL died day of wedding.
funeral costs are really so high. In your case, you need to get your husband on board to get her to contribute. Or you will beggar yourselves. Her income will stop when she dies and you won’t benefit from that. So get her contribution now to pay off your second mortgage.
But you still can't make your MIL address the issue if she doesn't want to; and the harder you try, and the heavier the hints you drop, the closer you are to being not matter of fact but brutal. Leave it.
I don't suppose you could turn that purpose built apartment into a mausoleum, and stick her under the floorboards..? Just to indulge in a little whimsy, there.
If I were you I'd start researching rock bottom basic funeral options now, and present them to the other (hypothetical) bill payers. This is how much mother's funeral is going to cost YOU. Start saving, and if you think there aren't enough frills start saving harder.
For the record, my mother regarded me narrowly whenever I made diplomatic noises on the subject. She later answered "anywhere but bloody H___shire" when my brother asked where she would like her remains to go; but this was merely a retrospective protest about having been "forced" to move to the countryside (by me). Finally, she went for contributing herself to medical research or places of learning, but the paperwork for that never got done by her Chosen Ones.
I decided that I had done the care while she was alive, and my responsibility would cease with her.
On which point, though - has your MIL made a will? Is your husband her executor?
I wouldn't worry about what to do with her after she dies, cremations are inexpensive and she won't know the difference. The days of the big showoff funeral are long gone.
Start charging her rent, $600 a month is a nice round figure. Stop enabling her.
If you husband doesn't have her durable POA time to get it.
The problem is not her, it is that you and your husband have no boundaries. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
What about your husband? Has he spoken to her about this? Have the other children spoken to her about it?
Why is she living rent free? I did that too. It puts a dent in your wallet. Finally mom started paying for some expenses.
Why is your husband paying her car her car insurance and maintenance?
Why does she feel that you should pay for her burial expenses?
Tell her that you have your own expenses and you will not be paying for it. Is she leaving money in a will for you to cover her expenses?
Does she want cremation or casket? You can’t plan anything if you don’t know. That’s stressful.
Donating a body to science is available. My uncle did that.
Cremation is the least expensive. So if money is tight. I wouldn’t hesitate to have her cremated. I would not count on your in-laws to help.
Does she have a bank account with surplus money? What does she do with her money. You all have provided everything that she could possibly need, right? Am I missing something? Please fill me in if I am.
Best wishes for you and hubby. I would be flabbergasted too.
First start charging her rent. $595 per month is 35% of her income., Me, I would be charging more to to cover utilities. Put the rent collected right onto your mortgage.
Second, let her know that unless she prepays and plans her funeral, you will be donating her body. She does not seem to care what happens, so let a teaching university or other place that takes the remains of the indigent take her away.
Third, her car. Unless you hubby is on the registration, why would he pay it off for her? That makes no sense at all. Even once she pasy you rent she will have $1100 per month for food, car payments, insurance etc.
Stop making life easy for her. She is an adult woman who needs to be held responsible for her expenses. What on earth is she spending $1700 per month on?
Otherwise: "...you can sign a release form with your county coroner’s office that says you can’t afford to bury the family member. If you sign the release, the county and state will pitch in to either bury or cremate the body. The county may also offer you the option to claim the ashes for a fee. But if these also go unclaimed, they will bury the ashes in a common grave alongside other unclaimed ashes." You should call your county to see what their policy is. If MIL is ok with this final plan then so be it. But do try to get your husband to broach the topic with her instead of you. Your hubby should also let his siblings know that this will be the plan unless MIL starts saving up. Or, depending on how many siblings there are, if each agreed in advance to kick in $500 (including MIL) then she could have a no-frills, no service, no wake, no burial cremation. Good luck!