Mother in law will not discuss funeral planning...how to make this happen?

Hello Wuzzyblue,
WOW. I can see how frustrating a situation like this can become. And seeing how your husband’s sibling had to foot the bill for your MIL’s sister’s funeral only adds to the stress.
First of all you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about the mountain of money that you’ve spent on creating a lovely space in your home for his mother, and the equally hefty second mortgage that now falls to the two of you to pay. It’s probably safe to say your husband’s sibling will NOT be stepping up and paying for another funeral. Perhaps you can suggest to your husband that he sit down with his mom and set some guidelines about money - since she’s got it in her head that she has had a home built especially for her and she has no intention of contributing financially to your household.

Also, hubby should gather his siblings and make a plan on how they can all chip in, a little at a time each, into a fund that will go towards their mom’s final expenses.
And finally, speak to your MIL directly. Gently remind her that the death of a loved one is devastating, and is further fueled by stress if there is no plan in place to see that a service and burial are taken care of. Know for SURE that the death of a parent or other family member can bring out the ugliness in people. Especially if there are expenses to contend with. But do let her know that you’re happy she is still with the family now - but one day she will pass on and you’d want the family to be able to spend that time remembering her, and not running around trying to orchestrate an unplanned funeral AND figure out how to pay for it.
I hope this helps. Hang in there.

Since she told you she was not going to make any decisions, then you will make them - and, I'm going to be blunt here, it will be entirely your decisions, that it to say, any funds she leaves behind can be sued to pay for a reasonable funeral. Your funds will not be involved.  If she leaves nothing, how about donating her body to the nearest medical school?

Wuzzy, is it possible to just stop giving her anything? Like no grocery shopping or soap, shampoo etc.? Then if she says anything you can always say that you are not paying for her, she didn't raise you.

I know that you probably can't do that, but can you tell your husband that it is time for her to live somewhere else? I think that you could rent that 1k apartment out for a decent amount, even an Airbnb would produce income instead of sucking your retirement so she can favor the other 3 children. Aaahhh! I wouldn't even be able to look at her I am so discussed with her attitude.

If she refuses to pay for anything, then the free care, room and board is not worth anything to her.  How cruel to say that your husband didn't pay to be raised.  He was a minor with no income, no job and her offspring and responsibility!!  She is not.  She has income and a proud woman.  If she is grateful at all for the care and your willingness for her to be in your home, she should WANT to contribute something to her care and upkeep.  She knows there are costs involved.  This boarders on being stingy and cruel, and I would consider finding her other living arrangements.

Update:  Husband spoke with his mother.  She again stated her funeral and expenses are not her responsibility, they are ours.  He told her that there are her other three children and they must be part of the planning.  Her response was that we were selfish to ask them for money because we know they have less than we do.  At that point, I got up and walked away.  (They do not make less, they plan less and spend much, much more.  Priorities have always been a staple in our lives, not theirs and we should not be punished for this).   Husband and I spoke with each other later.  Decision made:  We will pay for cremation and urn.  ONLY.  Any funeral gathering or services will have to be planned and paid for by the three other siblings.  We will not go into debt and will not pick up a bill for a fancy funeral.  We actually went and set aside $3000 into a separate account for the expenses we are willing to cover.  That is all.  This should cover cremation and a simple urn.  That is all we are willing to do.   Her sister passed over 6 months ago (I know I said recently, but it was six months ago).  She saw what problems came out of her sisters lack of planning and such.  It is absurd that she feels this is our issue.  We will not address it again with her, but our decision will stand.    As for her disposable income...she REFUSES to pay for anything.  Her response always is that she didn't make my husband pay her to raise him.  Very frustrating.

What I would do is this. You say she has disposable income each month? What is it used for? I would, via an eldercare attorney, try to get a POA. I would not allow her to use that money for anything except IMMEDIATELY PAY OFF A FUNERAL HOME FOR FUTURE COSTS. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PAY FOR THIS. She must pay that herself. You may need help in getting this accomplished. Second, YOU go and decide what kind of a funeral, it can be extremely simple, and cost very little if it is planned now. Just do it. Make the plans. Take her money monthly until it is paid. She has no right to expect others to pay for it. Some people will never address these issues and literally have to be forced to cooperate or means taken to control the money so it is used intelligently. Do NOT give in to her crap. Take the bull by the horns and think of YOURSELF first.

This is an issue for your spouse to manage with other immediate family members. Stand back and let him know you will support him but you should end it there. One’s own mortality is not easy to discuss. However, unless your MIL has cognitive issues, these discussions are imperative.

First she should be paying some rent & utilities to you otherwise she is freeloading on you & no wonder she assumes you will do it - give her the news that she needs to pay a certain amount each month - get a real estate person to tell you what you could get per month & charge her at least 1/2 of that - otherwise all her money will split evenly with hubby & sibs but you will be subsidizing their inheritance out of your own pocket

Then start trying to have at least say where she wants to be buried otherwise start looking at absurb funerals & show them to her .... at least you'll know what she doesn't want

I’m an insurance agent. At the MIL age she would probably only qualify for a small guaranteed term life policy. It ends at 100 yrs of age. 10k perhaps. My mom has been living with me 20 yrs. I have this type of policy on her. She is the owner and I’m the beneficiary. Of course I pay for it. But it will cover funeral expenses.

We all will be at the mercy of others as we age. Better to be kind and hope that kindness will be returned when we need it! Many are bitter regarding taking care of our aging parents which is wrong.

A lot of these answers are so well put and to the point. You could ask where she would like her ashes placed close by.

I am a planner too - I get you! It would certainly be better if it was pre-planned... but if not, it will get done when required.

Where I live the funeral service account is allowed to be withdrawn & paid directly from the deceased's bank account. Maybe a call to her bank to ask their deceased/funeral policy? (I'd keep it anonymus!).

If she doesn't have the funds readily available, it would be reasonable to start that conversation on contributing or putting that aside. I get that different cultures have certain expectations & that sometimes older people expect the younger do it all for them... but surely your MIL would like to make things easy for you & your DH? "We will be so sad at that time . It would be a great comfort to us if we were prepared".

You shouldn't be footing the bill for her funeral.

Who will have access to the funds she has saved (by not paying housing) when the end finally comes? That account can be used to pay for whatever type final arrangement it will pay for - her assets are used for final expenses and debt. If there is nothing left, are there any siblings that would step forward to make arrangements??? If so, let them do the signing and agreements and state what you did here about not charging rent and giving free space all this time. Perhaps one of the siblings could have better luck with her in discussion of this.

this thread just had me asking my hubs if his father had prepaid his funeral.. Hubs replied "I don't know".. Ok then... FIL lives with BIL and SIL in a house FIL bought for all of them to live in.. He pays all the bills. My thought is OK they can figure it out. MY mom wants to be cremated as my Dad was, and the funds are there for that.

Sounds like everyone here is of like mind. Wuzzyblue, has this helped you at all?

Definitely rent, or expenses, to go toward it, whether she knows about how you spend it or not.  Fiblets work.  My first husband refused to make a decision or discuss it.  The natural consequence of that was, I made all those decisions myself right after he died. His mother and even siblings tried to influence, and I said no.  My decision.  Our children were consulted and agreed with me.

Not your monkey, not your dance. You are setting yourself up to be triangulated between your mother in law and her son. You don't want to go there. Best to back up, have a heart to heart talk with your husband and have your husband deal with his mom. If he can't or will not, then that's another problem which will call for further action because that will likely mean that he is a co-dependent, enmeshed "mommy's boy."

People typically don't appreciate anything that is "free" (which is one reason why I oppose unearned SS payments, medi-caid, and all permanent welfare programs excepting temporary programs that cover people trying to get back on their feet after an unexpected setback.) Let MIL know she is expected to cover her own expenses, rent, food and utilities included. Easy to say, hard to do, I know, but it seems to be necessary.

Hi, I hope you immediately begin charging her a nice hefty rent every month, (& thereby accrue funds you need to contribute to her burial). Possibly consult a lawyer also. Good luck, but don't put up with any crap!

It sounds like you've created an Entitled Monster! Your MIL sounds like she's been well taken care of by you and your husband, thinking about, and paying for, her every need. Why would she feel the need to think about anyone else? I understand your frustration because I have a Mother like that. She thinks she's the sun - the world revolves around her. Frustrating to say the least.
Who is the executor of the will? I'm not sure if it is in all states, but I believe executors can be paid. If she doesn't want or care about her final resting place, find the least expensive option, let her know this is what it is, and get reimbursed afterwards.
And I'd certainly stop paying for everything! You've got your own life to live and pay for!

You know what.....I don’t think you should tell her anything. If she doesn’t want to prepare for her funeral ahead of time, that’s on her. I wouldn’t try to coerce her. Don’t waste your time. If she doesn’t care enough then why should you?

What I would do is sit your husband down and have a frank conversation about this and get on the same page about her funeral. Try to come to an agreement on how much you will pay for out of pocket. I don’t know what state you are in, but in California we paid $1300 to have my FIL cremated on June. That was without an urn.

I think that her lack of financial contribution to the household is a separate issue and whether she starts saving for her funeral or not, she needs to start contributing now. There is no good reason for you to be financially supporting her—and that is exactly what you are doing. She should be paying you room & board and helping with a few utilities or at least buying groceries. If you have to drive her around, she can fill your gas tank once in awhile and pay for an oil change too.

So...if she refuses to talk about it and be in the planning of it, go ahead and research the financial option that will suit your budget best (cremation?), then let her know this is what you've decided. If she wants anything different, then inform her that you will be glad to do so when she makes available the finances for it.

Tell her that you will arrange a Viking burial ceremony, sending her off to sea while shooting flaming arrows to the barge!  If she doesn't like that one, then go "got it...cremation it is!!!"

All joking aside, maybe she is a little "shocked" or grieving her sister's recent passing, so give it some time.  I do agree with the ones that have mentioned that his son should do the approach.  But if she won't even discuss it with him...then see original "joke"!

My family members so far have been very vocal and hands on with what they want after they pass away!  I have one aunt that wants an all out wake...with lively music and all!  My Grandma chose and paid for the arrangements!  And my mom already said she wanted to be cremated!

And finally...if she says it’s a moot subject, then respect that and say nothing. Just do it—she won’t know, unless you believe she will—in which case you’ll have to deal with yourself...which is of course a whole other bag of worms.

I donated my body to Stanford. You contact and they pick up and send you ashes when complete.

Big funerals are crazy. Cremate her and have a luncheon If you allow her to take advantage it’s on you not her.

I personally do not wish to have any services. I would like to be cremated. I am uninterested in what is done with my ashes. If this is terribly important to you, that you MIL speaks about her after death care, then perhaps tell her about my options, which I have already made VERY clear to my family. And tell her that will be your own choice for her, unless she prefers now to make other specifications and choices.
To me, personally, this end of life stuff is quite a waste of money. That said, not everyone thinks as I do, and many love celebrations of life, and a place to "visit" under the shade of an old oak. Some fine great comfort in religious ceremonies; many find closure.
So, there you are. You have lots of choices. If still MIL refuses to budge, then, when the time comes and given you do not pre-decede her (entirely possible since I just had a young acquaintence pass at 45 very suddenly), you can make a nice, quiet, relatively inexpensive choice for her. She seems to prefer it that way.

This situation is bigger than the funeral expenses. She has the means to pay something for her care in your home, and you need to give her the dignity to do it. Whether you keep the $$ or spend it on her funeral or day to day care is your decision. By allowing her to pay, it puts value on what you have done for her, and also keeps bitterness about you footing all her bills in check. Whatever she does pay you won't come close to what you've already spent plus monthly expenses, but it will acknowledge your contribution to her comfort and care that no one else has done.

Respectfully, you are asking how to have a conversation with the wrong person. This is your mother-in-law, not your mother. Your conversation seeking answers to the questions you've asked should be with your husband, not your MIL.

As a minister, I counsel families in this situation often. This isn't new. And sadly comes all too often with a spoonful of extra pain.

I fully understand your desire, and right, to have your questions answered. You are wise to be looking ahead with practicality. That said, if you take the lead in asking her these questions she is likely to make you the "bad guy" for forcing her to face these issues. Resentment generally will then bubble to the surface creating a host of other problems. I'm not suggesting such responses are justified, only to say, I've seen it happen countless times.

My suggestion would be to have a private talk with your husband to find out where he stands. Once you two are on the same page with expectations of what you will and will not be taking care of, it then becomes his job to have a talk with HIS Mom.
He can respectfully ask her what her wishes are for her years ahead, and then clearly state which of those details you & he will be helping with and which details she will need to financially cover with other sources.

I find myself explaining to people that these conversations come down to one thing, setting healthy boundaries. It need not be an ugly conversation once healthy boundaries and expectations are set. The thing I cannot stress enough, that conversation needs to happen between parent and child, AFTER the "child" has come to definite and unequivocal agreement with his/her spouse. And it actually makes the conversation with the parent easier when they enter the talk clearly knowing in advance which responsibilities they will accept.

Be the encourager to your spouse reminding him, once the two of you are on the same page, the talk with his mom is not a negotiation. He is simply sharing the facts with her. How she responds is her choice. MIL may not initially like the boundaries set, but to be blunt, "oh well." She'll swallow them a whole lot easier though if they come from her own child.

Your standing in the role of just 'supporting your husband' will keep you out of the line of fire and make your home a whole lot more peaceful as MIL must start making decisions she preferred to shove off onto others.

It's important to be respectful to our parents, while remembering our relationship with our spouse comes first.

There are a variety of avenues one can take. Buy a guaranteed life insurance policy. Save $100 a month. Deal with it when it happens. It does nothing productive discussing such a delicate issue especially if she doesn’t want to. It’s disrespectful actually. Do what you are able to financially afford for her funeral. If cremation is financially doable it’s a lot cheaper. Death is unpleasant and frightful to say the least. I tell my kids throw my body in the pasture and light a match. Of course I’m joking. My kids know my humor.

My point is love finds a way. And arguing is actually a sign of a poor and weak personal relationship lacking in love for the dying person.