My mother in law is in her late seventies. Her sister just recently passed away and her other sister is in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. With her older sisters recent passing, none of the decisions for funeral planning or...I am not sure how to say this correctly...where to put her were made or expressed in advance. (One of her four children had to fit the bill entirely on her own. The poor girl had to put the entire thing on her credit card...and I am sure by knowing her siblings will be paying it off on her own as well). The siblings that didn't bother to help of course had a boat load of opinions and wanted to disagree about everything. I feel unless my mother in law gets it together...we will be stuck with all of the finances and have to deal with the deadbeat siblings in our family. She absolutely refuses to even discuss it. When I told her that my husband and myself have a plot already paid for and have very precise instructions as to our choices, she told me she didn't care what we decided. I asked her if she had any money set aside for this (she has about $1700 a month in disposable income). Her response to me was that, it is not her responsibility to pay for it, that we have to deal with that. (Excuse me, what?) We built a thousand square foot mother in law apartment/addition onto our home. It has a separate entrance, separate yard, we fully furnished it with the furniture she chose and put in all the appliances and fixtures, flooring she wanted...so on and so on. She pays no rent or utilities of any kind. My husband paid off her car and pays the insurance and maintenance. Mind you, we live in a subdivision and still have a mortgage and now a second mortgage due to this. I was flabbergasted. What? I am fully annoyed. The fact that she will not even address the topic is very frustrating, but the fact that she feels we should provide for her funeral and burial without even making an attempt to take care of it on her own. Frustrating. Have you had this talk with your parents, did they make these decisions...did they avoid it? Did they expect you to pay for it? I am at a loss. I feel we have done so much and I do not think what we are asking of her is out of line. Maybe uncomfortable, but not out of line. How do we make her understand she needs to address this.
We all will be at the mercy of others as we age. Better to be kind and hope that kindness will be returned when we need it! Many are bitter regarding taking care of our aging parents which is wrong.
It is sad to be bitter. Please don’t judge though without knowing the circumstances. Some parents have mistreated their children for years and bitterness is a result of that until the healing process begins. At that time a person who has been hurt can choose to forgive and bitterness can cease.
Then start trying to have at least say where she wants to be buried otherwise start looking at absurb funerals & show them to her .... at least you'll know what she doesn't want
I know that you probably can't do that, but can you tell your husband that it is time for her to live somewhere else? I think that you could rent that 1k apartment out for a decent amount, even an Airbnb would produce income instead of sucking your retirement so she can favor the other 3 children. Aaahhh! I wouldn't even be able to look at her I am so discussed with her attitude.
WOW. I can see how frustrating a situation like this can become. And seeing how your husband’s sibling had to foot the bill for your MIL’s sister’s funeral only adds to the stress.
First of all you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about the mountain of money that you’ve spent on creating a lovely space in your home for his mother, and the equally hefty second mortgage that now falls to the two of you to pay. It’s probably safe to say your husband’s sibling will NOT be stepping up and paying for another funeral. Perhaps you can suggest to your husband that he sit down with his mom and set some guidelines about money - since she’s got it in her head that she has had a home built especially for her and she has no intention of contributing financially to your household.
Also, hubby should gather his siblings and make a plan on how they can all chip in, a little at a time each, into a fund that will go towards their mom’s final expenses.
And finally, speak to your MIL directly. Gently remind her that the death of a loved one is devastating, and is further fueled by stress if there is no plan in place to see that a service and burial are taken care of. Know for SURE that the death of a parent or other family member can bring out the ugliness in people. Especially if there are expenses to contend with. But do let her know that you’re happy she is still with the family now - but one day she will pass on and you’d want the family to be able to spend that time remembering her, and not running around trying to orchestrate an unplanned funeral AND figure out how to pay for it.
I hope this helps. Hang in there.